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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asked to 'borrow DP'

264 replies

Ohdearducks · 21/12/2016 00:26

Tell me please AIBU to be fucking livid with my 'friend'? she's been having problems with her EXP over their 3 DCs.
She called me this evening to ask if DP will be busy on Saturday (err it's Christmas EveHmm) and could she 'borrow' him. I asked her what for and she very brazenly told me that she's having problems with the kids Dad and could he come over for when he picks up the children as their dad is racist and will hate the sight of a 'big black bloke' in his house! She seemed so smug and pleased with herself about the idea. I was so stunned I couldn't speak for a minute, I then just very curtly said 'DP is busy on Saturday and put the phone down.'
I've now had two texts asking "are you ok?" and "are you ignoring me?"
I'm trying to resist the urge to call her back and tell her she's a racist, using twat!
What the fuck?! She wants to subject my DP to a possible racist verbal attack and have her kids witness that all for the sake of winding the guy up? Angry

OP posts:
HunterHearstHelmsley · 21/12/2016 06:59

If it makes you feel any better I thought she wanted to borrow him... nudge nudge wink wink...

She sounds like a total dickhead.

FrostyWind · 21/12/2016 07:00

This is no friend, particularly as she hasn't worked out how she might have upset you. Cow.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 21/12/2016 07:05

I would point out to her that her ex isn't the only racist person.

What an absolute cheek!

Ahickiefromkinickie · 21/12/2016 07:12

That is unbelievable

NiceFalafels · 21/12/2016 07:12

Totally unacceptable that it's about using race to wind up an ex

It would have been totally acceptable if it was about having a steely second person in the house because she's scared of ex collecting kids.

SixthSenseless · 21/12/2016 07:14

Tell her, calmly and directly. "I really don't appreciate that you sought to 'wind up' xx by the presence of my DH, simply by who and what he is. To use DH to provoke xx's racism. To put him in the line of fire for a racist response. It isn't a joke. I don't want any of my family caught up in this, so this is a goodbye from me. "

ClarissaDarling · 21/12/2016 07:15

Fuck! I thought she wanted him to dress up as Santa or help build something. Total fanny!!

LittleBooInABox · 21/12/2016 07:18

It wouldn't bother me to the extent is has you. My friend is called big black bloke as nickname, or term of endearment almost. He loves it saying they call me 'the big black bloke' but that's us.

If your offended, your offended. Only you get to make that call but I doubt she set out to be offensive it's not like she said anything goading.

In fact, I probably use the term black lots in my daily life. Nature of the job I do unfortunately. I have been told saying coloured is offensive. Personally I wouldn't be offended if someone described me as the small white chick. Cause it's kinda a fact.

However, presumably she knows your DP's name. So it's rude she didn't use that.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 21/12/2016 07:25

littleBoo It isn't just the name which is bad enough but the fact she is also deliberately trying to insight racism and confrontation in from of her DC!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 21/12/2016 07:25

*in front of

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 21/12/2016 07:29

Oooo, blimey.

I was all for saying YABU as I sometimes 'borrow' a mate's bodybuilder husband to lift and move things.

But she's being a douche.

WellErrr · 21/12/2016 07:35

Unbelievable!

I don't think she thinks she's done anything wrong at all.

Phalenopsisgirl · 21/12/2016 07:47

I can't imagine anyone saying something like this as anything other than a joke. Surely no one would really do this/think this?!

RJnomore1 · 21/12/2016 07:55

I started reading thinking ywbu as she was asking as she was scared of violence from ex. I've seen it recommended on relationships - can you get a relative or friend to be there when he comes oner.

Then I read on I literally did this face Shock

Are people honestly so lacking in self awareness? Op I would have to challenge her, I'm the type who can't keep their gob shut when people are like that, but I'd want to firstly take time to think what to say and if you don't feel you can you shouldn't have to.

I wish it was unbelievable but sadly they are out there...

KayTee87 · 21/12/2016 08:02

Jesus, she's a moron. I thought you were going to say she was worried her ex might become abusive to her and the presence of another man there might stop him (even at that it's dubious asking someone else to get involved). She seriously asked to borrow your partner because he's black and it would piss her ex off Shock

lostoldlogin2 · 21/12/2016 08:07

She sounds like a twat. I'd have nothing to do with her. Sorry you had to hear this shit from her.

LittleBooInABox · 21/12/2016 08:08

piglet you can't say it was her deliberate intention without actually speaking to her. I think it's shocking that a bunch of women on the internet can judge a women based on one sentence.

I'm not saying what she said is right, but I'm saying that maybe she didn't mean it to be quite as it sounded.

Maybe there was more violence to the relationship than OP knows and really she's scared and wants a man there. It doesn't want to be seen as the victim.... I'm not making excuses but I'm saying that maybe you should take the time to see why she said it before shouting 'racist'

Also the poster saying it isn't our job to educate the ignorant, actually yes it is. If you want change that is, or do you secretly like getting your panties in a twist so you can feel all high and mighty.

If you grow up in a family where racism is acceptable. And openly discussed as a child that's all you know. Deep seated behaviours you've had learnt from birth can be hard to challenge. Even if they want too. If someone had been told their fat and ugly all their life same thing, it'll take some time to undo. But no let's just brand them all bigots!

headdesk

SixthSenseless · 21/12/2016 08:12

LittleBoon, it isn't the fact that the friend referred to the OP's DH as black that is the problem.

It is that she wanted to use his race / color as a means to provoke a racist response in her ex.

OP: if you think there is any way she might have been awkwardly saying she feels physically frightened by her ex and would like someone there you could add, to the 'goodbye' message "if you are scared ex might turn violent and you need help say so, but don't expect my DH to step into some kind of stereotype in order to help."

BadToTheBone · 21/12/2016 08:12

I wondered why you'd be angry at a friend needing a favour, then I read on, holy shit what a horrid woman she is, ditch her immediately.

BertrandRussell · 21/12/2016 08:16

Love all the "oh, it's not really bad racism" comments.

The English have always had a penchant for cuddly racism, haven't they?Grin

FurryLittleTwerp · 21/12/2016 08:20

Unbelievable! She sounds like a real piece of work.

embo1 · 21/12/2016 08:21

I don't think she's being racist... She just knows that her ex is.
I do think she is incredibly insensitive though.
I think it's a bit much to use your DP in her petty squabbles with her ex, but some friends have eachother's backs in this way and maybe she thought you sympathised with her situation and would enjoy her ex feeling uncomfortable - he sounds like a dick. She's insensitive, but he's a racist prick. She just needs to learn you're not that kind of friend.
She's probably also lessened the importance of Christmas Eve in her own mind as she won't have her kids with her, so hasn't thought about what a big day it is for you.
I think she probably needs a friend right now, but you need to tell her why you are upset - her reaction will determine if you want to remain friends.

SixthSenseless · 21/12/2016 08:21

"What the fuck?! She wants to subject my DP to a possible racist verbal attack and have her kids witness that all for the sake of winding the guy up? angry" Adjust this from your OP and send it.

LuluLovesFruitcakes · 21/12/2016 08:24

If I've ever need a hand with something I've said to friends "Can I borrow your OH to do x, will pay in coffee and cake/cheese&crackers" Grin

That said, I think her wanting to use your DH to intentionally provoke her racist ex is out of order, and so so immature!

ohfourfoxache · 21/12/2016 08:25

Fucking hell Shock

Just gob smacked Shock

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