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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asked to 'borrow DP'

264 replies

Ohdearducks · 21/12/2016 00:26

Tell me please AIBU to be fucking livid with my 'friend'? she's been having problems with her EXP over their 3 DCs.
She called me this evening to ask if DP will be busy on Saturday (err it's Christmas EveHmm) and could she 'borrow' him. I asked her what for and she very brazenly told me that she's having problems with the kids Dad and could he come over for when he picks up the children as their dad is racist and will hate the sight of a 'big black bloke' in his house! She seemed so smug and pleased with herself about the idea. I was so stunned I couldn't speak for a minute, I then just very curtly said 'DP is busy on Saturday and put the phone down.'
I've now had two texts asking "are you ok?" and "are you ignoring me?"
I'm trying to resist the urge to call her back and tell her she's a racist, using twat!
What the fuck?! She wants to subject my DP to a possible racist verbal attack and have her kids witness that all for the sake of winding the guy up? Angry

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 21/12/2016 08:26

What sixth said would go very neatly
In a text

LittleBooInABox · 21/12/2016 08:26

sixth I agree as I said before. The only time it's acceptable to describe someone using there colour is if you don't know their name or any other information like oh the person who lives here. Like someone left there bank here, I think it was that black man.

I assume the women knows your DPs name. So she should have used that. It's a rude problem. Not a racist one.

embo1 · 21/12/2016 08:29

I read it as she hoped her ex would be be stunned and taken aback, not that there would be some sort of altercation.

SixthSenseless · 21/12/2016 08:30

Embo: where are the feelings of the Op's DH in all this? He is not a commodity to be traded between friends who 'have each other's backs', he is a human being, not to be dangled in front of the ex while the friend goes 'ner ner black man!' In order to provoke a response against him!

Assuming that OP, 'friend' and ex are white, and at the very least friend and ex are white, you have two white people using a black person as bait.

Does that explain how yes, it is deeply, deeply racist?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 21/12/2016 08:33

She's insensitive, but he's a racist prick

Well we only have the friends word that the ex is 'a racist prick'. Considering the language she deems is ok, maybe she isn't the best judge.

MiddleClassProblem · 21/12/2016 08:34

It's not just about if ex would get angry or violent because of a black man being there as maybe he's not that type but it's about her putting your husband in front of someone who won't like him because of who he is and how he looks, just to wknd him up even if he doesn't say anything, like DH is an inanimate object there just to be used. She has no idea what it feels like to be in the presence of someone who doesn't like you because of the colour of your skin. Even if you do feel confident and hold your head high, it hurts that people can't see you as they would see a person of the same colour as them. It hurts that you know there are people who really hate or are uncomfortable with the colour of your skin that much that they won't even give you a chance.
She's never experienced that. She may not have even experienced that in sexism as many of us have. But in racism you can be standing next to someone who is exactly the same as you bar skin colour and get treated a world differently.

Having been in that situation, it's horrible. I love my skin and my heritage which is actual quite different to what people assume but to be around, however briefly, someone who blanks you or just doesn't know what to say to you despite you just saying normal chit chat stuff, nothing to do with these things, you just feel powerless, hurt and angry.

I've got a feeling ex isn't the type to kick off about it but just be pissed off inside which is what she wants. To use your husband as a dig which is why she doesn't get it. She really needs it laying out there in layman terms.

SixthSenseless · 21/12/2016 08:34

LittleBoon, no, you still aren't getting it.

The friend wants him there because he is black, and because her ex is racist. That isn't a 'rudeness ' problem, it is using the DH's race / colour as a weapon in her war with her ex.

Fluffyears · 21/12/2016 08:36

Actually stunned!

Bluntness100 · 21/12/2016 08:37

I think what's happened is she's so self absorbed in her own problems that she's thought having your partner there will really piss off her ex. And that's where her thought process ended.

She wasn't thinking about you, your partner, how it would come across, the words she used, she was simply thinking about getting one over on her ex. And doing so in a hugely immature manner.

I doubt she wanted to cause you offence, more she was simply so self absorbed in the problems she was facing she didn't think it through. It sounds like the relationship with the ex is highly toxic and they are both guilty of playing their part in that toxicity, now she's trying to escalate that toxicity.

The height of stupidity at best.

bangingmyheadoffabrickwall · 21/12/2016 08:38

Thought you meant 'borrow' in the sense of being intimate ...

DEFINITELY NOT being unreasonable. I am a wimp and cannnot end friendships but I would say end this one!

123MothergotafleA · 21/12/2016 08:40

She's just a thicko, and I'd have not much more to do with her.
I'm tempted to educate her but I think it's more trouble than it's worth.

SpuriouserAndSpuriouser · 21/12/2016 08:41

LittleBoon If she wanted the OP's DP there because he was ginger, and her ex hates gingers, that would be rude and insensitive enough. But to want him there because he is black adds a whole other dimension to it. "Black" and "white" may just be descriptive words to you, but that attitude ignores the long history of persecution that black people have been through, and it ignores the discrimination that is still faced by a lot of people in the UK today.

MERLYPUSSEDOFF · 21/12/2016 08:44

I am shocked too. I thought she wanted the xmas decs bought out the loft or something.
I read the first few sentences and thought, hmm, I might do the same. Hunky bloke about the house when EXP is visiting kids ..
Then the 'black' bit and the fact he is violent. (although I might too want an independent witness there if I thought he was going to kick off, but to deliberately provoke him...)
What an arse. Total arse.

TheNaze73 · 21/12/2016 08:44

Littleboon

Are you actually for real??????

TallyHoAndToodlePip · 21/12/2016 08:51

She sounds toxic, selfish and unhinged. Run far and run fast!

akittencalledjesus · 21/12/2016 08:52

you can't say it was her deliberate intention without actually speaking to her. I think it's shocking that a bunch of women on the internet can judge a women based on one sentence.

I'm not saying what she said is right, but I'm saying that maybe she didn't mean it to be quite as it sounded.

Littleboo, did you read the OP?

I asked her what for and she very brazenly told me that she's having problems with the kids Dad and could he come over for when he picks up the children as their dad is racist and will hate the sight of a 'big black bloke' in his house! She seemed so smug and pleased with herself about the idea.

Issues are:

  1. Big black bloke
  2. Actively antagonising her ex
  3. Actively putting OP's DP at risk of an attack from a known racist
  4. In front of her kids

If she didn't mean it the above way then she still needs a seriously harsh wake up call, if only for the sake of education. But you cannot tell me that all of the above issues are a misunderstanding. It's not possible.

OP, you have to explain to her why you are ending the friendship. You can be quite harsh in doing so (I don't think you'd get through to her by being nice), but you do need to be honest.

shovetheholly · 21/12/2016 08:54

"It's not just about if ex would get angry or violent because of a black man being there as maybe he's not that type but it's about her putting your husband in front of someone who won't like him because of who he is and how he looks, just to wind him up even if he doesn't say anything, like DH is an inanimate object there just to be used. She has no idea what it feels like to be in the presence of someone who doesn't like you because of the colour of your skin."

This is so, SO right - middleclassproblem absolutely nails it. She's treating your DH like someone without any feelings at all about being black.

I think it's quite possible that she has no fucking clue how offensive she has been. She is probably congratulating herself on 'not being racist like her exP'. I would send a text that is a version of the explanation offered above to outline exactly why this is so offensive so that she's under no illusions. And then maybe take a good, long break from her company.

shovetheholly · 21/12/2016 08:54

Sorry, that originally said 'about being black and being subjected to racist behaviour as a result'. The second half of my sentence vanished!

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 21/12/2016 08:56

Whoa! Isn't she a charmer. Shock

AdoraBell · 21/12/2016 08:57
Shock

So not actually friend then, just someone who pretended to be a friend.

YASNBU

glitterazi · 21/12/2016 08:58

I'm just actually sat here like Shock
Mouth literally dropped. No sensible words from me. Just - what?!

MTWTFSS · 21/12/2016 08:59

You cannot judge stupid people by rational people standards.

Your friend did not mean to insult you, so you should not be too harsh on her. The holiday stress obviously gets to some people more than others.

If this is the only thing she has done to upset you, I'd let it go.

BringMeTea · 21/12/2016 09:04

So many thickos. Drop her.

RebelandaStunner · 21/12/2016 09:05

It would be the end of the friendship for me.
I would block her and ignore. Whatever she has to say now wouldn't be worth listening to.

0hCrepe · 21/12/2016 09:07

God that is so demeaning, like he's some sort of possession! can you imagine if a dh'S friend asked to 'borrow' you to pose in his house because you're pretty, to piss off his ex? Not only that but to get involved in someone else's messed up relationship? Oh yes brilliant wheeze! that 'friend' managed to expose some vile parts of her personality there. You were very restrained OP.