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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"If you want to stay in touch with OW, then you're not welcome in mine or DH's life"

306 replies

BraveDancing · 20/12/2016 18:01

This is the message (paraphrased for brevity) that I've just received from the wife of a close friend from uni.

The OW in question is a very close friend of my OH. We are all part of the same big mob of friends. Apparently she and this guy were having an affair, which I knew nothing about. His DW found out today and sent a similar message to a number of mutual friends.

AIBU to really resent being dragged into a situation which is none of my business and none of my making? I get she's upset but I feel like she's trying to use me as a weapon to hurt the two people involved, and I dislike that intently.

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/12/2016 23:02

Pluto It won't happen to me - one of the few things in life that is guaranteed. However it has happened in the past. Guess what - I wouldn't emotionally blackmail mutual friends - it just makes someone look unhinged.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/12/2016 23:03

Tbf being the morality police would probably be a deal breaker....

MummyStep123 · 20/12/2016 23:05

1horatio no accusations! Just meant it's very mature of all involved to be able to continue a friendship. Was meant as a genuine compliment Xmas Smile

Brewdolf · 20/12/2016 23:06

op I completely understand why you've reacted as you had because I'd do the same. I've thankfully not had to deal with this shit as an adult, but have as a teenager and that was enough for me to realise that no matter how badly I hated someone I could only ask friends/relations/etc to respect my feelings that I couldn't be around them and not to talk about me to them.
Hope your OH has had something helpful to say.

This isn't going to be an easy situation going forward. You're going to have to accept him and his DW won't be part or the friendship group with your OH and friends. That's fine unless your friend starts feeling butted out. All you can do I suppose is not to gossip about them and always remain neutral on that point in public whilst making sure you're still seeing your friend and being a friend to them separately.

At the same time try to remember you've done nothing wrong in this.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/12/2016 23:07

But a pp was right about one thing - I care about my friends but anyone outside of that circle is largely irrelevant in my life

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/12/2016 23:08

I would also struggle to respect someone who was happy to vilify the OW, drag everyone else into her relationship issues and then stay with her DH!

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 20/12/2016 23:09

Not cheating on their partner, so how about stealing from their granny? Starving their dog? Beating up a stranger outside a pub? I do not have one friend who has ever done (to my knowledge) any of the latter three, although I am friendly with someone who once committed fraud. I know heaps and heaps of people who have almost/only one kiss/when abroad/had a full blown affair or been the OW or overlapped boyfriends when young and foolish. Not good at all, but sorry, I don't see having sex outside a relationship as the same as committing violence at all.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/12/2016 23:10

Also I don't interview any new friends to ascertain their sexual past Grin

1horatio · 20/12/2016 23:11

@MummyStep123

Oops. Totally misunderstood you... thanks, step

Footinmouthasusual · 20/12/2016 23:14

best the things you mentioned as in 'starving a dog' are an absolute fact and there's no two sides to this is there?

In my 20s I saw relationships as black and white as you never ever cheat and the cheat is the bad person.

Now in my 50s I see my younger self as ridiculously judgmental and immature and realise that no one but no one really knows what goes on in any relationship and there are no absolutes.

Footinmouthasusual · 20/12/2016 23:19

To add been happily married 30 years but have friends who have cheated/been hurt by cheaters/literally driven good partners away by their behaviour/marriage just run its course. It happens. It's sad but it's life. You shouldn't rush to judge I think.

gillybeanz · 20/12/2016 23:19

I don't keep in touch with anyone from Uni.
You grow up, move on and do other things surely?
So an old friend from years ago turns out to be a huge twat.
I'd question why I wanted such a person as a friend tbh.
I know where my loyalties would lie and it wouldn't be with any of them other than the W.
It depends on your morals, I guess.

WomanWithAltitude · 20/12/2016 23:20

What about domestic violence? Is that okay too? If dishonesty and emotional abuse (via cheating) isn't enough to make you judge a friend, why wouldn't you also turn a blind eye to physical abuse?

Hurting is hurting, regardless of how it was inflicted.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/12/2016 23:20

I don't think that judging people for something like that is a particularly positive trait. As pp said, there are many shades in a relationship. I don't flatter myself that I know what goes on behind closed doors for most people so I'm not in possession of enough facts to judge them

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/12/2016 23:21

Yes because cheating on someone is absolutely the same as DV Hmm

I can't work out if you are being obtuse or you aren't very bright?

WomanWithAltitude · 20/12/2016 23:24

Personally, I am happy to judge my friends of they knowingly act in such a way as to inflict pain on others. I too have seen this happen with various friends around me, and getting older haany changed my view that it is always better to be honest and end a bad relationship than to cheat. The H had two choices here, and he chose to shit on his wife. His wife was given no choice at all.

MorrisZapp · 20/12/2016 23:24

I met my best friend at uni. We've grown up, done other things, and remained best friends. I know where my loyalties lie, with the people who matter deeply to me.

As for comparing adultery to theft and animal cruelty, that is completely different. Those things are criminal, not personal.

jacks11 · 20/12/2016 23:24

Livia

Agree the wife was unreasonable to send that message, but she is probably not thinking entirely straight having just found out her husband is having an affair with a friend! So betrayed twice over (and probably wondering if other friends knew about the whole thing, wondering if they aided and abetted and so on). In OPs position, I would cut her some slack (as OP has done).

I also don't think it is being "morality police" to say that having an affair a shitty thing to do, even if I'm not close to their partner (as I would be thinking in OPs case), likewise having an affair with your friends husband is also pretty crap too (as I would be thinking if I were the OP's OH).

I'm not saying I would cease either of these friendships, or expect my OH to cut off her best friend, or have a go at my friend/my OH's friend etc. But I do think it's unpleasant behaviour and I would be annoyed as it will most likely make continuing the friendship group difficult.

ITCouldBeWorse · 20/12/2016 23:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MorrisZapp · 20/12/2016 23:26

Sorry, did you just compare cheating to domestic violence? Shameful.

WomanWithAltitude · 20/12/2016 23:27

Emotional abuse is no better than physical abuse. Why would it be?

If you dont get that, I don't think it's me who's not very bright.

In answer to the op - I would be clear with the OW & H about exactly what I thought of them, and I'd tell the W that I hadn't known about it, but would otherwise stay out of it.

I wouldn't necessarily cut them off, but I wouldn't leave them in any doubt about the fact that I thought they'd behaved really badly. Your close friends should be able to tell you to your face when you're being awful (it's almost a duty - if your close friends can't be honest, who can be?)

1horatio · 20/12/2016 23:30

grillybeanz

Why not? My friends from uni are awesome. I also am still in contact with friends from elementary school... but I often went to uni with them, so they're essentially uni friends.

WomanWithAltitude · 20/12/2016 23:31

My point was that some posters appear to feel that you can never criticise anything your friends do, and that being 'the moral it police' is a terrible thing. I disagree entirely.

Earlier comments have implied that the wife might even have deserved it. Does that sound familiar to you at all? Not long ago people would have been saying the same "you can't judge, you don't know the story" stuff about physical as well as psychological abuse.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/12/2016 23:31

Well I'm sure the DW has her own friends - and of course she's staying with the DH so it's only the OW and all their friends that she's being a twat to...

And criminal matters are one thing but I don't judge someone who is a friend just because they choose to behave in a legal way that doesn't actually make them a bad person, but I get that not everyone feels the same.

And actually I'm judging people who compare DA with cheating.... that undermines the impact of genuine abuse

MorrisZapp · 20/12/2016 23:32

And not to split hairs but I understood the ow to be a very old friend of the dh, so only a friend of the wife by association? Not saying it's great but it's not like her own personal close friend betrayed her.

If my best friend shagged my partner I'd be apoplectic. But if it was someone I only knew through him, i wouldn't feel betrayed 'by a friend' unless we're using dated morality in which all women are meant to be friends while men act only for themselves.