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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

16 month baby alone at home, neighbour with baby monitor

211 replies

hydrangea78 · 19/12/2016 21:19

Neighbour has offered to babysit.
My partner thinks we should put our 16 month old to sleep then let the neighbour babysit from the comfort of her own home (semi-detached property) and just hand her our video monitor. I completely disagree and WWIII has now broken out. AIBU?

OP posts:
Beebeeeight · 20/12/2016 00:12

If the police came to your door and discovered a toddler unsupervised they would use their emergency powers and remove the child.

Your dp is suggesting a criminal level of neglect.

You could both be convicted of 'an offence against a child' which will show up on every job police check.

It sounds as if your dp disrespects you and is an unsuitable carer. He absolutely should be going to an outside garage when a toddler is in his sole care.

FranticalFidget · 20/12/2016 00:13

Confused why would you ever entertain this idea? unless you had time warped from the 1920's where it was ok to just leave the baby wherever it dropped

Twozealotmorethan1 · 20/12/2016 00:14

MovingOn - that YouTube video is very alarming and a timely reminder about fire safety especially with Christmas trees and lights in the house.

babymouse · 20/12/2016 00:18

YANBU! The chance of something happening is probably low, but the consequences of something happening would massive! I'm all for giving children some independence, but wanting an adult in the same house as your infant is not smothering at all.

I can't understand your dh's logic at all if the neighbour is happy to babysit at your house why did he offer that alternative?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 20/12/2016 00:19

It's really terrifying. I should check my smoke alarms tomorrow. And the CO2.

StarryIllusion · 20/12/2016 00:22

Hell no. I used to babysit during my college years and wouldn't have even agreed to this. I'd be a nervous wreck imagining everything that could go wrong and be in and out all night.

TattiePants · 20/12/2016 00:28

There was a post at the weekend where a young child was in their bedroom with the door closed and the handle came off so the mother couldn't open the bedroom door. The child was getting increasingly distressed but at least she could talk to it and if necessary, could have kicked the door down. Now imagine the same thing happens but it's the front door lock that jams, key snaps in the lock etc and a very distressed child is locked in the house on their own. Just not worth the risk.

itsawonderfulworld · 20/12/2016 00:33

We did this, and I would do it again. Terraced houses, our monitors worked easily from one house to the other. We often had dinner in each others' gardens, with the monitors, and were just as quick to our children as if we'd been in our own garden - we could normally hear them through the open windows!

Our DC slept right through from an early age, from 7 pm or so, only waking for an 11 pm feed, and then slept right through to the next morning. When he was about 4 months old our next door neighbour and close friend, who had a baby of a similar age, babysat him for DH's work event. She went across to give him a bottle around 11 pm and then he went right back to sleep. Worked brilliantly, except that when we came back home we forgot that the baby monitor was still on - oops! But I really don't see why this is a problem. Totally different situation from the McCanns who were in a different country, left their ground floor appartment complex to go to a restaurant outside the complex etc. Even so, I think they were just incredibly unlucky. We can't live our lives in fear!

Blueskyrain · 20/12/2016 00:45

I don't see that it's a big issue really. The risks are no greater IMO than the babysitter being inn the same house, and to me, it's just like a bigger house. The babysitter surely would pop in periodically to check everything's ok.

Yes there theoretically could be a burglar - in which case, the adult is far more at risk than a child.

Yes the house could catch fire, but if it hasn't set off the alarm its entirely possible someone in the house wouldn't notice/be able to get upstairs in time.

Its a risk, but so is the babysitter having a heart attack (whenever they ate), or breaking their leg on the stairs.

Yes, the child may have to wait about a minute longer for soothing, but no more so than if the babysitter had gone to the loo. Presumably the op showers, and it's possible that baby wakes up, or takes a few moments to stir in the night when awoken, or has to disentangle herself from sex if baby cries. Crying for a minute or two (which is all it would be, if that), is not going to harm a child.

I think some of the concerns here have been rather melodramatic personally.

I think the issue is that it feels wrong, but that doesn't mean it's more risky.

EddieStobbart · 20/12/2016 01:17

Yes because what you want with a fire is to open the front door and let in lots of air

^this x 100

If there is a fire you get everyone you safely can out ASAP and phone the fire brigade. You do not run into burning buildings, refreshing the oxygen supply as you go.

aquashiv · 20/12/2016 02:25

I wouldn't do it.

Littlelostdinosaur · 20/12/2016 04:42

We have had to do this once with our almost three year old when I had to take baby to a and e, dh was at work, ds in Bed and no one available for ten minutes. I ran round with the monitor (she watched it like a hawk) until
My mum
Could get there. Literally ten minutes.
I wouldn't do it willingly for a night out. It made me very uncomfortable.

I don't see, though, how it is meglectful to gh outside of your house to your garden/shed/garage if you have your monitor with you. We spend a lot of time outside and do the garden etc whilst baby naps in the day. Toddler plays outside with me in summer, I must be social services ready based on some of those rrsponses! Are we supposed to just sit quietly in the house every time the child sleeps?! I really don't think popping out to your garage (as long as you have a monitor with you) is neglectful.

Coming from someone who sees genuine neglect regularly at work.

RubyRoseViolet · 20/12/2016 04:45

The responses are not OTT at all. It would most certainly constitute neglect. Can you seriously imagine explaining that to the police should the worst happen?

It's a horrible idea to leave your baby in a house alone full stop regardless of other risks. I just can't imagine why anyone would think that was ok. It is just basic parenting not to leave your young child in a house on their own. This is part of what you sign up for when you become a parent.

TheLegendOfBeans · 20/12/2016 05:18

No no no no no no no no no.

Because it's one of those things you just don't do for all the reasons given above and more.

heron98 · 20/12/2016 05:32

I actually think it's fine. Provided the door is locked. No different from being in the same building.

SouthWindsWesterly · 20/12/2016 05:58

Why is he so reluctant to have the neighbour stay in your house?

Put it another way. For him to pop to the garage whilst your child is sleeping is one thing. It's his child. It's a completely different kettle of fish when you are looking after someone else's child. The fragileness and responsibility ups the ante and you being more vigilant. I've don't thisfor friends and you are more aware of the child that is not yours than you own.

TBH if I had offered to babysit and was told to have the monitor and watch the child from my own home through two sets of doors, one of those locked, I'd withdraw my offer to babysit.

Sirzy · 20/12/2016 06:08

heron how many locked doors do you have in your house? The locked doors between make a massive difference as has been pointed out throughout the thread. As does the burglar alarm that would need switching off before you could deal with the child.

Bananabread123 · 20/12/2016 06:12

I get that it's better for a babysitter to be in the house - of course it is, and I'd want that too - but the catastrophising is out of all perspective. You do realise that you have periods of deep sleep at night that would take you at least as long to rouse from and act on as an awake babysitting neighbour immediately next door!

If a proper risk assessment was done which compared having this arrangement with a babysitter for an hour to, say, driving with the child for an hour, I'd be surprised if the driving wasn't more risky; as in something like a 1 in a 2 million compared to a 1 in million chance of death or serious injury.

Again, Its not something I'd be comfortable with, but it's hardly serious neglect!

Bananabread123 · 20/12/2016 06:16

The locked doors between make a massive difference as has been pointed out throughout the thread. As does the burglar alarm that would need switching off before you could deal with the child.

It takes me all of 3 seconds to unlock my front door.... Probably 5 to switch off a burglar alarm - and in a genuine emergency you'd ignore the burglar alarm!

Sirzy · 20/12/2016 06:18

You could really do it that quickly in a state of panic? I very much doubt it! And let's not forget the time to lock the door of the house your leaving, and making sure you have both sets of keys.

Ignoring a burlar alarm really isn't a realistic option either is it!

Sirzy · 20/12/2016 06:18

And let's remember it's an unfamiliar lock and burglar alarm too which makes a difference!

I have had to enter a neighbours house in an emergency situation and it took much longer than your predictions that's for sure!

Mellowmarsh · 20/12/2016 06:19

The fire risk is a deal killer. Some of the posters here need to speak to an actual firefighter,as I have. What he said is that most people don't realise that there is thick black blinding smoke with a fire, just as pp said from her real life experience. And fires can take hold very quickly, as that bloke found who set fire to his own house so his neighbour could act the hero as rescue them, only to find the fire was out of control and he couldn't get in and the children burnt to death ( Phil somebody...).
If there were a fire your DP is expecting your neighbour to be able to override her own survival instincts to enter a house on fire and make her way in an unfamiliar house filled or filling with black smoke to rescue his child.
We live literally minutes from a fire station yet when a flat in a neighbouring street caught fire, it took out six adjacent properties before the fire crew got it under control. It took out the upstairs flat, the two next door AND the two next to them.

merrymouse · 20/12/2016 06:25

No.

Apart from anything else, the sitter would have to be constantly listening in to and checking on the monitor.

Much easier and less stressful to come to your house and know that she will hear/see/smell anything because she is actually there.

A monitor is a useful back up but it can't replace a resident human.

FrancisCrawford · 20/12/2016 06:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mellowmarsh · 20/12/2016 06:28

Banana, you seem to be imagining that house fires and smoke are things that neatly and helpfully contain themselves in a room conveniently separated from all entrance and exit points until everyone is safely out of the house.