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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

husband lied about credit card I don't know if I'm being unreasonable to annoyed

65 replies

woodenmouse · 19/12/2016 14:30

Me and dh don't have a lot of money and we are trying to save for a house. Dh is rubbish with money. When we met he had a few pay day loans and a rubbish credit rating. We've been working hard to save and fix his credit score. He then took out a business loan and fucked up the business so we are paying that back. He has been opening his post and then shredding it straight away but today i found a credit card statement I though he didn't have a credit card but the statement was dated last month and the was over the credit limit. I text him and asked him if he had a credit card I didn't know about and he said no. So I sent him a photo of the statement so he said he had one but he thought he told me he was getting it to improve his credit rating. I asked him why he told me he had said he didn't have one and he said it was because things have been good recently (we went through a bit rough patch) and he didn't want to upset me.
I recently found out he lied about little things too, stupid things like saying he baked his mum's bitlrthday cake but then I found the box in the bin etc.
AIBU to be really upset?

OP posts:
Dozer · 19/12/2016 14:37

Yanbu. The lies and seeking to make out lying was somehow for you are as bad as his poor handling of money stuff.

NightWanderer · 19/12/2016 14:37

He's a bullshitter. He lies to you constantly. He's crap with money. Seriously, LTB and don't look back. You can't fix him.

Bagina · 19/12/2016 14:41

This will only lead to bigger problems and he'll be dragging you down with him. Be grateful you haven't got a house yet. Have you been together long?

TheSkyAtNight · 19/12/2016 14:45

LTB before he drags you down. Seriously.

Original poster
woodenmouse · 19/12/2016 14:48

We've been together for 6 years, married for 3 and have 2 dc. Hes a great dad but he's not turning out to be a great husband. 2 Christmasses ago I found out he was talking to another woman but he swore nothing happened. He deleted everything before I saw it so I'll never know for certain.

OP posts:
Bringmewineandcake · 19/12/2016 14:48

This will be your life until he takes responsibility for himself. No way would I get a house with him. Sorry OP Flowers

expatinscotland · 19/12/2016 14:49

FFS! Do not buy a house with him, not that you can anyway because you can be reasonably sure his credit rating is shit. I'd actually bin him. A business loan he's paying back with nothing to show for it, a credit card he lied about that's already over the limit, lies and lies.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/12/2016 14:50

He's a liar and you can't trust him. Once that's gone, what is there?

watchingitallagain · 19/12/2016 14:50

You have every right to leave him. I had an ex like this. Terrible with money. His family were poor and he just didn't see he could have any better so would do silly things with credit cards and money. Nail in the coffin was discovering he'd tried to remortgage the house to re-finance his debt. Luckily, I'd been off work sick and had opened the post that day!
I'd get out quick.

expatinscotland · 19/12/2016 14:51

He's not a 'great dad'.

He's a shit husband.

This would be the nail in the coffin for me.

He's a cheat, too.

MeetMeAtMidnight · 19/12/2016 14:58

YANBU. He lied to you and he's sabotaging your attempts to be financially stable and get your own home. I put up with this for far too many years. After losing one home because he didn't pay the mortgage, hid all the letters told me three weeks before repossession date, almost getting us evicted from our rented home because he took the rent money I'd put aside in what I thought was a safe place, ruined both our credits because he kept applying for ccs in my name, I realised he was never going to change.

There were other reasons, it wasn't just the debts, but in the end I just had to make him leave to save my own sanity and provide some kind of security for my kids. Took me 3 years to pay off all the cc and other debt that came to light, I had to deal with bailiffs coming to my home looking for him and putting liens on my possessions. So much bloody stress, constant worry - gives me the cold sweats just thinking about it.

You may not want to hear this, he may be a good man otherwise, but this will never get better, only worse for you. I'm not a kneejerk LTB advocate but honestly that's the only advice I can give you.

Creampastry · 19/12/2016 15:17

He's a liar and will get worse. Time to end the relationship.

mummymeister · 19/12/2016 15:23

he will carry on lying as long as you carry on forgiving him and falling for this total bullshitter.

who the hell shreds their post before their partner can read it? only a liar.

He isn't a good dad. he is saddling you and your children with debts. all the time you are paying off debts you aren't paying for treats or essentials for your children.

stay with him only if you are prepared for a life of lies, deceit and poverty. blunt but everyone else can see it and you need to too for the sake of yourself and your children.

all this talk about " we have been doing this to save up" is fooling no one but yourself. YOU have been working hard to sort this out he couldn't give a shit.

all the time you step in and sort things out for him he will never change. you are enabling his poor financial behaviours by keep stepping in.

zigzagbetty · 19/12/2016 15:47

I could live with no money but not with no trust, that has to be the basis every relationship is built on

NerrSnerr · 19/12/2016 15:52

If he was a great dad he wouldn't be lying about getting into debt. He clearly doesn't think honesty is important so I doubt it'll improve.

looby2803 · 19/12/2016 16:00

Bin him you deserve someone who you can't trust and who will respect you

YelloDraw · 19/12/2016 16:03

He's a bullshitter. He lies to you constantly. He's crap with money. Seriously, LTB and don't look back. You can't fix him.

^This

Why would he lie aouti the cake? That is just a totally fucking strange thing to do, it is indicative that he is bad news. Only people who are bad news lie about stuff like that!

Original poster
woodenmouse · 19/12/2016 16:53

I feel so helpless. I can't trust him but I don't want to ruin the kids Christmas.

OP posts:
Mypurplecaravan · 19/12/2016 17:00

If your worry is about the kids christmas You don't have to leave him this week.

You can have a think. Work out your options. And leave (or luck him out) in the new year (close down any access to joint money though).

But trust is vital. He's thrown yours away

kali110 · 19/12/2016 17:06

Sorry op i wouldn't be getting a house with him.
Yes he could have been getting a cc to try to bring his credit score up, but why lie about it? Why then shred the the evidence unless he's worried there's something he doesn't want you to see?
You've done everything to help him.
He's not going to change, he's only going to drag you down with him.

PeachBellini123 · 19/12/2016 17:07

Please look after yourself. This man in of course to ruin you financially.

Original poster
woodenmouse · 19/12/2016 17:11

Thank you purple. I've told him in done but he can stay until after Christmas. We are spending it with both lots of parents it's going to be tense!

At the beginning of the relationship he lied about going to a gig with friends and it turned out he went with his ex. I was obviously pissed off but he said they had the tickets from before they broke up so they went. My friend said if he can lie like that at the beginning of the relationship what will he be like later on. I should have listened to her!!

OP posts:
honeyroar · 19/12/2016 17:39

My ex was like that. Finding a credit card that he said he'd paid off, run up to the max, was the cause of us splitting up. Like you, I'd tried to help him pay off his debt and cards previously. It obviously didn't bother him as it did me, and I couldn't cope. It also came out that he was having an affair. He just did what he wanted and lied to cover up.

Nowadays I'm with a man who doesn't do any of the debt/lying. We have a normal, partnership of a relationship and its sooooo easy compared to my ex.

Get through Xmas, distract yourself with the kids having fun and seeing family, then kick him out and find your feet in the new year. You don't need someone who can't be truthful and honest. You can't help someone who won't help themselves.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 19/12/2016 17:46

He should be quite practised at lying to the family that everything's just fine.
It won't get any better. You'll be a distrustful nag and he'll be more and more secretive. He's not going to save for a house. His wants are more important than yours and the dc's.

MammyNeedsASpaDay · 19/12/2016 18:40

Good for you OP.

From a personal perspective my mother stayed with my father and he racked up tons of debt. We had to sell our family home when he got kicked out for good. I was an adult by then and we were fine, but it was a horrible situation, don't feel bad for your kids you're doing them a favour.