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AIBU?

husband lied about credit card I don't know if I'm being unreasonable to annoyed

65 replies

woodenmouse · 19/12/2016 14:30

Me and dh don't have a lot of money and we are trying to save for a house. Dh is rubbish with money. When we met he had a few pay day loans and a rubbish credit rating. We've been working hard to save and fix his credit score. He then took out a business loan and fucked up the business so we are paying that back. He has been opening his post and then shredding it straight away but today i found a credit card statement I though he didn't have a credit card but the statement was dated last month and the was over the credit limit. I text him and asked him if he had a credit card I didn't know about and he said no. So I sent him a photo of the statement so he said he had one but he thought he told me he was getting it to improve his credit rating. I asked him why he told me he had said he didn't have one and he said it was because things have been good recently (we went through a bit rough patch) and he didn't want to upset me.
I recently found out he lied about little things too, stupid things like saying he baked his mum's bitlrthday cake but then I found the box in the bin etc.
AIBU to be really upset?

OP posts:

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Atenco · 21/12/2016 17:14

No medical expert here, but PND seems to be a very logical result to living with an arse.

If he is a good father, he can still be a good father after you split up. Sorry you are going through this OP, but it sounds like it has been a long-time coming and now is the start of a much better situation for you.

Daisyfrumps · 21/12/2016 15:22

You were skating on thin ice but he keeps smashing it up. HIM. It's impossible to have a marriage with a pathological liar.

headinhands · 21/12/2016 14:05

We've been working hard to save and fix his credit score.

Here's your problem. There's no we've. He doesn't have the same desire as you. And lying shows a lack of the necessary respect in a relationship.

Xocaraic · 21/12/2016 13:35

The fear of the unknown is (mostly) worse than the actual event.
Get all your ducks in a row financially and legally. Know what you will deal with and make a plan. That puts YOU in control.
Being a parent is hard, being a single parent is harder still but you are effectively the only adult in charge at the moment in your family. Seize control of YOUR life and don't allow yourself to be deceived any longer. You are where you are today and you CAN do this. Thousands do it day in day out. Just get the right advice, get family support ( if possible) and within no time, your life will have a new, less worrisome normal.

woodenmouse · 21/12/2016 13:27

The thought of being a single mum terrifies me. I relay on my husband to do things much more than I should. I think part of me is hoping for some mericle that will save us but it's not going to happen because there's no trust there any more.

OP posts:

Xocaraic · 21/12/2016 13:22

When you change the WAY you look at things, the things you look at change.
So, he is a good Dad (not great or he wouldn't put his family in fanatical jeopardy), a 'nice' person and turning out to be a rubbish husband and an excellent teller of fibs.
For me, he gets one chance. Tell the truth, work out a plan to fix it, action that plan, do not deviate from the plan. If he does, as PP said LTB.
You will reap what you sow and your children will reap what you sow. Is that the life you want for them?

VeganCow · 21/12/2016 13:13

He will never change, ever. My ex lied about unimportant things (like yours says he baked the cake when he didnt) and I lost all respect for him. He never lied about big things though, like yours.
I came to the conclusion it was a form of control, ie. he felt 'bigger' knowing he knew the real truth and I didn't, a relationship cannot work on that foundation. Obviously there were other problems, but that was certainly one thing that made me go off him. I hate liars.

GenericDietCola · 21/12/2016 13:10

I have been through similar and I recommend that you seek legal advice about getting a 'financial divorce' to separate his debts from your credit rating. I didn't do this and it turned out that I was liable for his debts when he defaulted, even though we had been divorced for some time. I got it sorted out eventually, but it took a long time and was stressful. Good luck!

Daisyfrumps · 21/12/2016 13:06

If you've told him you're splitting after Xmas then you can hope he would try to treat you with respect until then - but you can't be surprised when he continues to behave like an arse. Or were you hoping he'd turn over a brand new leaf entirely?

Daisyfrumps · 21/12/2016 13:02

I don't understand why couples stay 'together' for a fake Christmas. Lots of children pick up on the tense atmosphere and the sound of raised voices muffled behind closed doors at night - not understanding why mum & dad aren't happy but it's supposed to be a happy time. I suppose the alternative must be worse though. Jan must be busy for solicitors!

HerBluebiro · 21/12/2016 12:42

To be fair, now there isn't anything he can do, is there? That's not your fault btw. It is his for his choices.

He can't save this. It is understandable that you are upset her is not trying to, but based on his recent past behaviour it is unreasonable to expect him to. A leopard and shorts sping to mind.

Good luck.

NightWanderer · 21/12/2016 11:01

Oh, well. Nothing is his fault, is it? Don't get dragged into reasoning with him. He's utterly useless and determined to blame anyone but him.

woodenmouse · 21/12/2016 10:10

Thank you everyone.

The twat went to the pub after work. He insisted he Only had one but he absolutly stank.

The funny thing is he text me while he was at work begging for another chance, saying he couldn't lose his kids, that he would do what ever it took and then he fucked of to the pub and came home over an hour late.

He also had the guys to say he would come round the house every day to see the kids. I told him he wouldn't, he would come round when I say he can.

I really thought he would prove that he wanted to save out marriage. When unsaid to him i thought he would at least try he said well you told me not to try so I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Oblomov16 · 21/12/2016 02:50

What a mess. Hope you get this all sorted.

confuugled1 · 21/12/2016 01:31

Now he knows you know, do what you can to lock down any accounts and cards and spending he has access to.

If he thinks you might try to rein him in he might have a big spend while he can.

Also check your credit score and his and see if there are any other nasty shocks.

Then draw up a simple overview page to show the current situation, highlighting current outgoings and savings, necessaries and luxuries, and figure out how in the short term he is going to get by without extra money to waste.

Good luck...

dangermouseisace · 21/12/2016 01:09

Sorry OP it's another LTB from hard bitter experience.

Some people are pathological liars, as pps have said, they don't change. My ex is one of them. Funnily enough, my PND was also used as an excuse for his £40k of debt, maybe it should be included in the DSM...

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/12/2016 00:49

He's a coward. Most liars are.

woodenmouse · 20/12/2016 23:36

H has been at work all evening, he was supposed to be home at 10.30 and he still hasn't come home. I stayed up to talk things through with him. I'm so angry.

OP posts:

woodenmouse · 20/12/2016 21:25

Im pretty sure that one of the symptoms of PND is not "Partner gets a secret credit card, runs it over its limit, and then denies having it".
This actually made me smile, thank You

OP posts:

Stormtreader · 20/12/2016 15:07

Im pretty sure that one of the symptoms of PND is not "Partner gets a secret credit card, runs it over its limit, and then denies having it".

CauliflowerSqueeze · 20/12/2016 15:02

You will never be confident that you can trust him. Takes ages to build up trust and seconds to destroy it. And he keeps doing it and doing it!!

Eaglesandbeagles · 20/12/2016 14:45

He's an arse and can't take responsibility like an adult should. Pnd isn't something you want or asked for. You cannot control that. He can control his lying. He's clearly completely unable to be honest with you and buying a house with him will only drag you down when he gets you so far into debt that you can't make the repayments. he wouldn't have told you about this card. Imagine how much worse it would have been had you not found out now?
How much secret debt would he be in next year or in five or ten years? Don't let this man ruin your credit rating and then have the cheek to make out like you're the one to blame for his terrible behaviour.

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GiddyOnZackHunt · 20/12/2016 14:29

You'll be controlling and obsessed with money next.

DoJo · 20/12/2016 14:16

Being difficult to live with doesn't cost money! That's such a transparent attempt to pass the buck it shouldn't warrant any response, but if you are feeling in the mood then you could always go with 'Good - I'm glad that you agree that it's best that we split.' He can't have it both ways!

ScrambledSmegs · 20/12/2016 14:11

You might have PND now, but you will get better*. He's always been a liar, and most likely always will be.

*I promise, I've been there.

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