Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

husband lied about credit card I don't know if I'm being unreasonable to annoyed

65 replies

woodenmouse · 19/12/2016 14:30

Me and dh don't have a lot of money and we are trying to save for a house. Dh is rubbish with money. When we met he had a few pay day loans and a rubbish credit rating. We've been working hard to save and fix his credit score. He then took out a business loan and fucked up the business so we are paying that back. He has been opening his post and then shredding it straight away but today i found a credit card statement I though he didn't have a credit card but the statement was dated last month and the was over the credit limit. I text him and asked him if he had a credit card I didn't know about and he said no. So I sent him a photo of the statement so he said he had one but he thought he told me he was getting it to improve his credit rating. I asked him why he told me he had said he didn't have one and he said it was because things have been good recently (we went through a bit rough patch) and he didn't want to upset me.
I recently found out he lied about little things too, stupid things like saying he baked his mum's bitlrthday cake but then I found the box in the bin etc.
AIBU to be really upset?

OP posts:
Tastesjustlikecherrycola85 · 19/12/2016 19:32

I had an ex who sounds just like him, a compulsive liar (even down to the credit card). Like a pp said, they can't be changed. Save your sanity and leave Flowers

IonaNE · 19/12/2016 20:01

He isn't a good dad. he is saddling you and your children with debts. all the time you are paying off debts you aren't paying for treats or essentials for your children
This ^

Please do not buy a house with this man.

Original poster
woodenmouse · 20/12/2016 00:53

He asked me to give him a chance to prove I can trust him but I just can't any more. He doesn't even seem to understand why I'm so pissed off.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 20/12/2016 02:21

The problem with lying, the unforgivable thing IMO, is that it removes the freedom of the other person. The liar is essentially saying, "I'll make my own decisions and I will make yours too". It's controlling. You could choose to forgive him, or stay with him, but you can't when you have no idea what is actually going on. That's why the only choice is to leave a liar. Because staying means you're signing up to who knows what...

pinkyredrose · 20/12/2016 02:38

Once a liar always a liar. You can do so much better.

SpareASquare · 20/12/2016 02:50

I never get the "oh, but he's a great dad" defence.

No. He isn't. A 'great dad' would not treat the childrens mother that way. A "great dad" wouldn't be racking up debts, putting the family's stability at risk. Honestly, 'Great Dads' do not do this.

Original poster
woodenmouse · 20/12/2016 09:25

Is it wrong that I hoped h might atleast try and make amends. But all morning he's acted like I'm not even here.

OP posts:
Qwertie · 20/12/2016 09:44

Don't cover for him op; with your family or his. Tell them exactly what is happening. My exH was exactly like this and I was constantly covering for him not just the loans and spending, but stuff that was actually criminal, because he made me believe that if he was found out it would ruin DS's life. Things were much better for me & DS when I left (after the initial awful bit), but actually I'm still covering for him in a way.

TheAnswerIsYes · 20/12/2016 11:12

*woodenmouse

He asked me to give him a chance to prove I can trust him but I just can't any more. He doesn't even seem to understand why I'm so pissed off.*

You have already given him plenty of chances to prove himself and he keeps showing you that he cannot be trusted. You and your children will have a much happier less stressful life without him and his lies.

YetAnotherUser · 20/12/2016 11:17

YANBU, the deceit is already too extensive for the relationship to recover, because he has been given chances to mend his ways and he hasn't.

End it as soon as reasonably practical.

SillySongsWithLarry · 20/12/2016 11:58

ExH ran up debts and when I finally left him and we divorced the debts offset against the assets and reduced the pot. I had to take on those debts to keep the house and will be repaying them for a very long time. Never again.

FatOldBag · 20/12/2016 12:12

You've given him lots of chances to prove that, and he's fucked up every one. He's a serial cheat and a liar. Nobody deletes innocent messages, you only delete something (and create suspicion) if it's incriminating enough that the suspicion would be confirmed if the messages were read. You're doing the right thing, this man would make you so miserable in the long run, he's a complete piss taker. Flowers

Stormtreader · 20/12/2016 12:18

Hes been living the chance to prove himself. The point where you asked him about the credit card was a chance to prove himself.

What hes proved is that he will lie to your face about absolutely anything right up to the point where you have to produce concrete proof, and then he will still try and avoid as much of the responsibility as possible.

If hes even lying about things that dont matter like the cake then it sounds like hes a pathological liar and that just doesnt change.

ScrambledSmegs · 20/12/2016 12:24

He's a habitual liar, he can't help himself. I'd be surprised if he has it in him to be honest, it sounds deeply ingrained.

I'm sorry OP. He's had loads of chances to prove himself and carried on as before, what makes this time any different? Because this time you've told him it's over? If he misses a train does he expect it to come back for him because he's promises he won't be late next time?

Original poster
woodenmouse · 20/12/2016 12:56

Eugh he's trying to turn the blame on me, i have pnd and he keeps saying "well you're very difficult to live with" etc. I'm trying to change, I'm taking meds to get better, getting counselling, seeing the Dr etc. He's just making me angrier.

OP posts:
ScrambledSmegs · 20/12/2016 14:11

You might have PND now, but you will get better*. He's always been a liar, and most likely always will be.

*I promise, I've been there.

DoJo · 20/12/2016 14:16

Being difficult to live with doesn't cost money! That's such a transparent attempt to pass the buck it shouldn't warrant any response, but if you are feeling in the mood then you could always go with 'Good - I'm glad that you agree that it's best that we split.' He can't have it both ways!

GiddyOnZackHunt · 20/12/2016 14:29

You'll be controlling and obsessed with money next.

Eaglesandbeagles · 20/12/2016 14:45

He's an arse and can't take responsibility like an adult should. Pnd isn't something you want or asked for. You cannot control that. He can control his lying. He's clearly completely unable to be honest with you and buying a house with him will only drag you down when he gets you so far into debt that you can't make the repayments. he wouldn't have told you about this card. Imagine how much worse it would have been had you not found out now?
How much secret debt would he be in next year or in five or ten years? Don't let this man ruin your credit rating and then have the cheek to make out like you're the one to blame for his terrible behaviour.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 20/12/2016 15:02

You will never be confident that you can trust him. Takes ages to build up trust and seconds to destroy it. And he keeps doing it and doing it!!

Stormtreader · 20/12/2016 15:07

Im pretty sure that one of the symptoms of PND is not "Partner gets a secret credit card, runs it over its limit, and then denies having it".

Original poster
woodenmouse · 20/12/2016 21:25

Im pretty sure that one of the symptoms of PND is not "Partner gets a secret credit card, runs it over its limit, and then denies having it".
This actually made me smile, thank You

OP posts:
Original poster
woodenmouse · 20/12/2016 23:36

H has been at work all evening, he was supposed to be home at 10.30 and he still hasn't come home. I stayed up to talk things through with him. I'm so angry.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 21/12/2016 00:49

He's a coward. Most liars are.

dangermouseisace · 21/12/2016 01:09

Sorry OP it's another LTB from hard bitter experience.

Some people are pathological liars, as pps have said, they don't change. My ex is one of them. Funnily enough, my PND was also used as an excuse for his £40k of debt, maybe it should be included in the DSM...