To say to the council - you deal with it

[Lazyjane76]

I have been with my partner for 22 years, his relationship with his mum has been difficult over the years. He grew up with her threatening suicide regularly, at 9 she would tell him she would be dead when he returned from school. In the last few years he has managed a reasonable relationship with her, visiting once a week.
He has a brother who is severely disabled and lives in supported accommodation, he has behavioural problems and becomes aggressive when he drinks.
Last Sunday his mum had a brain haemorrhage. She was in intensive care where her condition kept improving and then deteriorating. She passed away on Wednesday.
All week we'd been told different things as her condition kept changing. this is no ones fault but we went from speaking about organ donation to rehabilitation to sitting at her bedside as she passed.
I'm obviously upset but I'm very angry.
She was 63, she brought up her 2 sons alone - my partner and his brother with severe learning difficulties. She cared for her disabled mum too. She had significant health problems - almost completely deaf, high blood pressure, asthma, depression and osteoarthritis from lifting her own mother out of a wheelchair. She used to have life insurance but cancelled it because she had to pay bedroom tax and couldn't afford it. She begged to move into a smaller property for years.
Eventually she moved to a council bungalow.
Over the last few years she has been systematically bullied by the DWP into getting a job. She had a 'fit for work' appointment a month ago, 1 year from her retirement where after her assessment she was told that she 'might get better'. Friday we were at her bungalow and a letter came informing her that she had to attend another assessment to assess her capability.
She has 19p in her bank account, she has a partner of 25 years who is a pensioner but they didn't live together.
We have no money,we work but live payday to payday. The council have said we need to borrow the money for a funeral from "somewhere". Where? And should we? My partner is pragmatic, in his opinion his mum passed on Sunday it just took until Wednesday for her body to catch up.
Does everyone else have thousands in the back that they can use for this?
As far as the council is concerned it's my partner's responsibility as next of kin, her partner doesn't count.
Am I being unreasonable to make the council pay?

Lazy it's this I meant www.foryoubyyou.org.uk/apply-help?gclid=CNSsw-yegdECFZUYGwodP04Beg

They paid for a friend's PIL funeral.

For those saying that the brother or partner should apply for a DWP funeral grant - they can apply but they won't be given one. The criteria for funeral grants is extremely stringent. If there is another close family member who is deemed able to pay for the funeral then a grant will be denied. As OPs husband is working his brother would not be able to get a grant.
OP just keep telling him the truth - you can't pay as you have no means to pay and you can't borrow a single penny.
Even if the council pay for a funeral and try to recover the costs from you they can't collect what you don't have. You could always offer to pay £5 per month if they seek a ccj from the court to recover the costs. The immediate problem is that your MIL body needs to be buried / cremated and you have no funds so just concentrate on dealing with that and keep telling them you are unable to pay anything.

I think Yabu, not for the situation you are in, but for calling your mother in law "it"!

I work for the dept of the council who has to arrange funerals and we are seeing this situation more and more now. Just stick to your guns and refuse to take responsibility and it will fall to the council to arrange and pay for it

Could the brother claim a DWP funeral grant as I am guessing he is on benefits? I know he may not be up to it but he must have an appointee who sorts his benefits out.

No as long as you sign nothing with the funeral directors etc you cannot be charged. But you also won't have a funeral to attend please bear that in mind. And funeral grant suggestions are all well and good but they don't pay for the complete cost of a funeral you have to pay the rest. Let them bury her and you just have a small memorial service for close relatives at your home or a local pub to say your goodbyes .

He can't do that stargazer. The rules about grants are really strict and it states that if there is another close family member who can pay then they will be expected to. So although the brother is on benefits it won't make any difference because OPs husband is in employment and therefore he will be expected to pay. DWP grants are only given when the next of kin is on a qualifying benefit and there are no other close family members who are in employment.

MsJamieFraser - Thanks for your contribution it was invaluable. I haven't slept properly for almost a week. Try having a man with learning disabilities calling at 4am just saying "help me". At the moment you could sell me my own shoes.

Sixisthemagicnumber thanks your continued advice is so helpful.

Gerberama1 - Thanks, I hope we get someone like you!

Good luck for today lazyjane. I hope you get to see somebody with an ounce of common sense and compassion. Please don't worry about posters who think you shouldn't burden the tax payer with funeral costs. You are also a taxpayer and as a carer your MIL has more than paid her dues to society. She will have saved taxpayers a fortune by providing care and the end result is that she died in poverty. You are doing the right thing by avoiding taking on a debt you can't afford and I don't think your MIL would have wanted you to get into debt.

Sixisthemagicnumber - you're right there, she'd have been furious to think we were getting into debt for this.
The taxpayer thing doesn't bother me, I've heard it all before. When I look at what our taxes get wasted on - trident, MPs expenses etc - anyone who is concerned about their taxes being wasted on public health funerals needs to take a long, hard look in the mirror.

Hope things get sorted today and you don't have this hanging over you for any longer.

Hang in there.

She will have saved taxpayers a fortune by providing care and the end result is that she died in poverty. You are doing the right thing by avoiding taking on a debt you can't afford and I don't think your MIL would have wanted you to get into debt.

100%

You are not able to pay. You are not able to borrow money. Good luck!

Thanks for your good wishes - we went to the council, registered the death explained the situation they said it's not their department and they gave me a number to call. Got home, rang the number and it was the DWP - nothing to do with them, ring the council. Rang the council - not us, ring the hospital. Hospital department now closed for the day!

OP condolences on your loss. This thread has been a timely reminder that it is the loved ones we leave behind who ultimately pay the price, both emotionally and financially, if we don't make arrangements for our death.

I hope a solution is found soon.

Bloody hell, that sounds like a bad joke.
I'd try and get it sorted as soon as you possibly can as I can imagine the hospital dept being shut for Christmas.

Deep breaths, this too shall pass.

I am so sorry for your loss. When MIL died we had to go into debt (overdraft) to bury her, but there were four siblings altogether, so the bill was spread out. It still cost me and DH over £1000.00. BIL had to pay off his part of the bill over a year with the funeral director. It is extortionate what funerals cost.

If your mums partner is so concerned about tradition etc, then is he going to put hand in his pocket to help?

I would just keep saying no, over and over.

The cultural obsession about dead bodies is weird. I'm with your DH, when you are gone, you are gone. I want to put on the back of a pickup and droppped off at the local dump.

sorry OP, just read your update - its kafkaesque isnt it?!

paulapantsdown - that's definitely one word for it! Please don't think her partner is making demands, he's really not. He's a pensioner with no funds to speak of. We're just trying to consider his feelings which is why we're engaging to a certain extent and not just refusing to discuss it.

PoppyFleur - Absolutely, it's very easy to say just put me out with the bins but the reality is very different. Where possible we all need to make arrangements but then there are those like my MIL who just don't have the means.

CheshireChat - they open at 9 so I'll be straight on the phone.

I don't want to be insensitive OP but where is your loved ones body? If she is still at the hospital I would wait for them to ring you. And if you say you will not be responsible for the funeral director they will arrange with the local council. Just wait and see what happens now. If you engage with a funeral director you will have been seen to take responsibility.

deblet - don't worry about insensitivity, it's fine - it is what it is. She's still at the hospital, I've not and will not engage with a funeral director. We were very clear when registering the death not to give the name of one. I do feel slightly shit being arsey with the hospital because they were, without exception, outstanding last week.

I am sorry this has turned into such an ordeal for you OP. Hoping you get some answers today.