To say to the council - you deal with it

[Lazyjane76]

I have been with my partner for 22 years, his relationship with his mum has been difficult over the years. He grew up with her threatening suicide regularly, at 9 she would tell him she would be dead when he returned from school. In the last few years he has managed a reasonable relationship with her, visiting once a week.
He has a brother who is severely disabled and lives in supported accommodation, he has behavioural problems and becomes aggressive when he drinks.
Last Sunday his mum had a brain haemorrhage. She was in intensive care where her condition kept improving and then deteriorating. She passed away on Wednesday.
All week we'd been told different things as her condition kept changing. this is no ones fault but we went from speaking about organ donation to rehabilitation to sitting at her bedside as she passed.
I'm obviously upset but I'm very angry.
She was 63, she brought up her 2 sons alone - my partner and his brother with severe learning difficulties. She cared for her disabled mum too. She had significant health problems - almost completely deaf, high blood pressure, asthma, depression and osteoarthritis from lifting her own mother out of a wheelchair. She used to have life insurance but cancelled it because she had to pay bedroom tax and couldn't afford it. She begged to move into a smaller property for years.
Eventually she moved to a council bungalow.
Over the last few years she has been systematically bullied by the DWP into getting a job. She had a 'fit for work' appointment a month ago, 1 year from her retirement where after her assessment she was told that she 'might get better'. Friday we were at her bungalow and a letter came informing her that she had to attend another assessment to assess her capability.
She has 19p in her bank account, she has a partner of 25 years who is a pensioner but they didn't live together.
We have no money,we work but live payday to payday. The council have said we need to borrow the money for a funeral from "somewhere". Where? And should we? My partner is pragmatic, in his opinion his mum passed on Sunday it just took until Wednesday for her body to catch up.
Does everyone else have thousands in the back that they can use for this?
As far as the council is concerned it's my partner's responsibility as next of kin, her partner doesn't count.
Am I being unreasonable to make the council pay?

OP you have my heartfelt sympathy for your predicament.
Given your circumstances and beliefs you would not be unreasonable to disown all responsibility for the cremation. Attempt to get financial assistance and if that is not available to you then write a letter to the Local Authority, setting out your circumstances and inability to even borrow money and telling them you are disassociating yourself from the whole matter.
If necessary do to CAB for assistance with the letter.
Local Authorities will be seeing more and more cases like your own and will need to make provision for them but their workers will be under instructions to do all they can to bully relatives into beggaring themselves to pay .
Contact someone from the Humanist Society or a local church (if MIL or her DP had any religious beliefs) for a short private memorial service. Make it clear you are unable to make anything but a nominal donation. You do not need the body or a funeral to say a respectful goodbye to a family member -- you may not have loved her but most people need closure to mark a death.
Good luck

One thing to remember: Next of kin has no legal standing in British law.
Power of attorney does, but even that ends with death.
So council can do /say all they like, but it means nothing. Stick to your guns.

It is fine not to pay for this. It is fine for "the tax payer" to pick up the tab when the deceased and their families cannot afford it. Poor woman is dead now, she's not going to know.

As far as her partner goes, he may be 'traditional' but unless he's willing to foot the bill you are under no obligation to abide by his wishes. Chances are with your MiL gone, her partner will probably soon drift out of your lives anyway.

Funerals here (US) typically run around $10,000 US. Simple cremation with no services is $1000.00 +/-. 10 grand is out of the reach of a great many people. Most churches around here that have 'mandatory rites' after death charge very little for a clergy person to simply read the rites over the body or at graveside. But huge amounts of 'donation' for use of the church for a funeral and reception in the church hall.

We are fortunate to have (small family-run) funeral directors in our family so we are able to keep costs relatively low for the generation of our family who believes that one must have a traditional funeral. Even they say that it's a 'racket' and that most funeral homes are run by huge corporations and that horrible pressure is put on the bereaved to do 'the right thing' for the deceased and heap 'extras' into the bill. It's unethical and immoral imho.

If you cannot get any help with costs, I'd do a simple cremation. My DH and I have told our kids that's what we want. Simple cremation and scattering, NO funeral. We'd prefer they use that money to do something fun in our memories.

In this situation my friend left the body and went nc & the council eventually arranged a pauper's funeral. They never contacted my friend when she was cremated & she has no idea what happened to the body. If this is an option then go for it, and have a memorial for her instead.

There are loads of things I object my taxes paying for.But paying for the funeral of someone who has literally 19 pennies to her name is not going to be one of them.

Lazy I am so so sorry you are all going through this and no, I don't blame you. However most funeral directors won't necessarily want money upfront. Blessings to you xx

A direct cremation costs around £2000. We had one recently for my dad - not because we couldn't afford a proper funeral, but just because that's what we wanted - my mum didn't like the idea of having to look at the coffin. We then did our own service to remember him - exactly like a funeral but with no coffin. We did it ourselves in a village hall and it cost £30 for the hall hire, and a bit for food and drinks - but you could just do tea and coffee if you wanted.

But if you don't want to pay, you don't have to. The council will have to pay if you refuse - and they'll do a direct cremation. You could then organise your own memorial service, at minimal cost (ie the £30 hall hire, plus tea and coffee) if you want. If you don't have a friend or family who could run the service, tou could also pay separately for a celebrant (British Humanists do them) without it actually being a funeral - so you just let the council take care of the body, and you do your own thing cheaply to remember her. Or if you don't want a service, then you don't have to have one at all. You could just invite some friends round to share memories and raise a toast to her.

Benedikte2 - Thanks, did I love her? I don't know, I know she drove me crackers but that's what they do isn't it? If it's not one thing, it's your mother!

Melty - thanks, guns firmly stuck to!

Lots of good advice here. Don't borrow money! You don't have it. I agree, £1000 is like a million to many, including us. Just keep repeating, 'We have no money. We cannot get money. We cannot arrange anything.'

BarbarianMum - indeed! Any taxpayer feeling morally objectionable to the taxpayer paying for the funeral is more than welcome to pay for it themselves.
I'm a taxpayer, I'm happy that my taxes go to single parents, the disabled, refugees etc. Isn't that the mark of a civilised society, how we look after the most vulnerable?

ImtheChristmasCarcass - emotional blackmail is distasteful at the best of times, but you're right. It can cloud your judgement, it helps that I'm a little more removed.

DailyFail1 - that's the outcome we'd prefer

'If you cannot get any help with costs, I'd do a simple cremation.'

Even that is beyond the OP's means.

EnglishNotBingo - Exactly, there are far greater things to be angry about when it comes to taxes.

cherrycrumblecustard - even as an atheist, blessings gratefully received x

Evergreen777 - fabulous suggestions, thanks x

expatinscotland - repeat until fade!

They always try it on. 'Do you have any friends and family you can borrow from?' If I did I wouldn't be here, fuckers.

They don't hear that though! Sorry OP but it's so annoying - they think you just have SOMEONE!

Would a charity help? I know an old lady who's funeral was paid for by an 'old people's charity' Alone I think.
She was totally alone though, no family at all.
I'm sorry for your loss

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope things get sorted and you don't need to worry.

ATOS are fucking cunts, my friend had to take her DH out of hospital for him to be assessed. The consultants said it wasn't the first time this has happened, this was on a high dependency cardiac ward The poor man died a Month later.

Hi OP. I used to process funeral grants and a lot of people who were refused them just washed their hands of it. Be careful not to sign anything at all and just refuse to be involved. The council then pay for a cremation.

'They don't hear that though! Sorry OP but it's so annoying - they think you just have SOMEONE!'

Oh, yeah, they do. They think everyone has a big, loving and loaded family. 'It's just £1000.' It would take us years to repay that. And we'd have no way of borrowing it.

They do the same with people who become homeless after their LL sells up or wants their property back.

My mate wound up having to get evicted last week. Family of 5. 'Do you have someone you can stay with.' How many people can lodge a family of 5 for free (because you cannot claim HB/LHA if you are staying with friends or family) forever?