To say to the council - you deal with it

[Lazyjane76]

I have been with my partner for 22 years, his relationship with his mum has been difficult over the years. He grew up with her threatening suicide regularly, at 9 she would tell him she would be dead when he returned from school. In the last few years he has managed a reasonable relationship with her, visiting once a week.
He has a brother who is severely disabled and lives in supported accommodation, he has behavioural problems and becomes aggressive when he drinks.
Last Sunday his mum had a brain haemorrhage. She was in intensive care where her condition kept improving and then deteriorating. She passed away on Wednesday.
All week we'd been told different things as her condition kept changing. this is no ones fault but we went from speaking about organ donation to rehabilitation to sitting at her bedside as she passed.
I'm obviously upset but I'm very angry.
She was 63, she brought up her 2 sons alone - my partner and his brother with severe learning difficulties. She cared for her disabled mum too. She had significant health problems - almost completely deaf, high blood pressure, asthma, depression and osteoarthritis from lifting her own mother out of a wheelchair. She used to have life insurance but cancelled it because she had to pay bedroom tax and couldn't afford it. She begged to move into a smaller property for years.
Eventually she moved to a council bungalow.
Over the last few years she has been systematically bullied by the DWP into getting a job. She had a 'fit for work' appointment a month ago, 1 year from her retirement where after her assessment she was told that she 'might get better'. Friday we were at her bungalow and a letter came informing her that she had to attend another assessment to assess her capability.
She has 19p in her bank account, she has a partner of 25 years who is a pensioner but they didn't live together.
We have no money,we work but live payday to payday. The council have said we need to borrow the money for a funeral from "somewhere". Where? And should we? My partner is pragmatic, in his opinion his mum passed on Sunday it just took until Wednesday for her body to catch up.
Does everyone else have thousands in the back that they can use for this?
As far as the council is concerned it's my partner's responsibility as next of kin, her partner doesn't count.
Am I being unreasonable to make the council pay?

Dead - it really is awful. My own dad committed suicide when I was 13, but even that was easier than this.

It's an awful sort of final tax, really. Though technically you can take complete responsibility for a body and have a garden burial... Few want to!

You can choose not to pay. I can understand why you wouldn't.

A Direct to crematorium funeral is a low cost option if you wish and if you can afford it.

According to this article you might be able to access a public health funeral.
www.thisismoney.co.uk/money/bills/article-2545230/What-not-money-pay-loved-ones-funeral.html

Lottie - I'm so grateful that you understand the situation, you've no idea what a relief it is to read your posts x

I would also suggest that if you really feel you cannot pay anything then you need to be clear with the council. If they arrange a pauper's funeral then you will have no say in the arrangements although I think people can attend.

Lazyjane, I'm sorry that it's going to be difficult. Could you perhaps broach the subject with her partner? I appreciate that he may be understandably opposed to the idea of medical donation.

A harder hearted person would say to him, well, if you feel so strongly about it, you pay for the funeral. (Not suggesting you do this!)

Would you consider a crowdfunder among family and friends to raise the funds? I've heard of this being done.

Daisy - we live in a flat! Not sure my landlord would be happy!

I'd explore body to medical science. A relation of mine did this and hospital concerned did a fantastic memorial service some months later for all the families whose relatives had been donated that year.

Very - I couldn't ask for money, I've just been involved in collecting for the local food bank. That's real desperation, this isn't.

Talk to the Bereavement officer at the hospital. If you tell them you can't (or won't) pay for the funeral they have to dispose of the body, they will probably organise a low-key event with a funeral home close to the hospital and will allow you and anyone else interested to attend, provide flowers... They will inform you that they might reclaim the costs from any money in the accounts of the deceased, but unless there are significant funds, they're not likely to.
We had to do this recently with DPs father as he had no money in the estate and DP didn't want to pay for it as they didn't get on.

Medical donation isn't necessarily an option - it depends on if you're near a centre and if they need bodies at this point.

Ican - was it difficult to get them to understand?

Daisy - we live in a flat! Not sure my landlord would be happy!

Ha! Though perhaps telling the council you absolutely don't have the money for an undertaker and cremation so you're researching burial on private land - might scare them and open some doors.

That's really helpful ican

Not at all, the lady we spoke to was very understanding and said that it's happening more and more as people just don't have the money.
We asked her about them providing the funeral and she said if we told her we couldn't do it, she would sort everything out as that was a large part of her job.

Have you seen this? The article and comments on it are pretty illuminating.

This is an awful situation and I do hope you get it resolved. I certainly wouldn't go into debt to fund this.
www.goodfuneralguide.co.uk/category/pauper-funerals/

You need to own the land and plan on living there for a long time before they will give permission to bury her yourself

Why has her partner of 25 years not offered to pay? Could you ask him to pay?

What a horrendous situation. As others have suggested just refuse to pay. It's sounds like this woman's life was made beyond miserable by those agencies who should of helped her.

No one can force you to pay. Keep saying NO! Don't let them bully you into taking out loans you can't afford.

I'm not surprised your cross with her. My dad did the exact same thing to me. It was his final selfish act.

Have you made provisions for your own funeral?

Sorry you are in this position, OP, but if her elderly partner and brother feel strongly about the outcome you will be able to provide, they should really look at helping you out! Have you asked them both?

Thanks 19lottie82, I'd never heard of the Pauper's funeral.

The average cost of a funeral now stands at £3,700.

Small wonder that the Pauper's funeral is becoming more common.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-34943805

OP, what an appalling situation. My deepest condolences to you, your DH, and everyone else as well.

Flowers are not enough. I hope you are able to find some help here.

I like the idea of taking the body to Atos though. It gave me a grim little smile.

There was an article on Radio 4 last year about cheap funerals - I remember an interviewee saying cardboard coffins can be ordered online for cremations. Family members decorated the coffin. I think they said the total cost for the cremation was under £1000.