To say to the council - you deal with it

[Lazyjane76]

I have been with my partner for 22 years, his relationship with his mum has been difficult over the years. He grew up with her threatening suicide regularly, at 9 she would tell him she would be dead when he returned from school. In the last few years he has managed a reasonable relationship with her, visiting once a week.
He has a brother who is severely disabled and lives in supported accommodation, he has behavioural problems and becomes aggressive when he drinks.
Last Sunday his mum had a brain haemorrhage. She was in intensive care where her condition kept improving and then deteriorating. She passed away on Wednesday.
All week we'd been told different things as her condition kept changing. this is no ones fault but we went from speaking about organ donation to rehabilitation to sitting at her bedside as she passed.
I'm obviously upset but I'm very angry.
She was 63, she brought up her 2 sons alone - my partner and his brother with severe learning difficulties. She cared for her disabled mum too. She had significant health problems - almost completely deaf, high blood pressure, asthma, depression and osteoarthritis from lifting her own mother out of a wheelchair. She used to have life insurance but cancelled it because she had to pay bedroom tax and couldn't afford it. She begged to move into a smaller property for years.
Eventually she moved to a council bungalow.
Over the last few years she has been systematically bullied by the DWP into getting a job. She had a 'fit for work' appointment a month ago, 1 year from her retirement where after her assessment she was told that she 'might get better'. Friday we were at her bungalow and a letter came informing her that she had to attend another assessment to assess her capability.
She has 19p in her bank account, she has a partner of 25 years who is a pensioner but they didn't live together.
We have no money,we work but live payday to payday. The council have said we need to borrow the money for a funeral from "somewhere". Where? And should we? My partner is pragmatic, in his opinion his mum passed on Sunday it just took until Wednesday for her body to catch up.
Does everyone else have thousands in the back that they can use for this?
As far as the council is concerned it's my partner's responsibility as next of kin, her partner doesn't count.
Am I being unreasonable to make the council pay?

You can refuse to take responsibility. The LA have to arrange the funeral. They can recover the cost from the 19p in her account.
Im sorry for your loss and being put in such a position and that your mil had such a tough time

Can you donate her body to science? Medical schools?

I would decline to accept responsibility. They can't make you.

I'm sorry. I know it's hard, but she's gone. Don't go into debt yourselves over it.

Namechange - her partner is 74 and has a heart condition and no money. His brother has a learning disability and lives in care, his money is under a court of protection order.

You can apply for help from the Social Fund. I'm not sure it's fair to ask tax payers to pay for it.

Theclacks - that is so helpful, thanks

Nosun- I am a tax payer, as we all are. I'm not sure it's fair to make tax payers pay for nuclear weapons that will never be used, or bombs to be dropped on civilians or Ian Duncan Smith's breakfast but shit happens.

nosun the social fund is still paid for by the tax payers. In any case OP is not entitled To help from the social fund as she doesn't claim benefits. She can't pull money she doesn't have out of her arse so a public health funeral might be her only option. I'm sure she isn't taking this decision lightly.

Re ATos. Sounds similar to the LA social worker who decided my grandmother wasnt terminally ill (despite evidence from you know actual doctors) and therefore they wouldnt cover the cost of nursing in her nursing home. They wrote and said that on the Tuesday. She died on the Thursday, i suspect just to prove a point.......

Ican - you have personally lifted a huge weight off my shoulders, I'm so very grateful x

English - black humour is out go-to in times of stress.

Thisis - we both have life insurance but this has made me realise that that isn't enough. We both are going to sort out direct cremation.
I think people say "I don't care what happens to me", MIL actually said to take let body to the council tip! But it's not as simple as that, for loved ones who are managing their grief and for my partner trying to manage his brother's too not having arrangements in place is just placing additional stress on him.

Lazy No problem, I hope they are as good to you as they were to us.

Ican is spot on. The bereavement office at the hospital are the people to speak to. They are very helpful and certainly don't judge. They can act as intermediaries on your behalf with the council. The council will try and guilt trip relatives but if speaking to an NHS worker they are more accepting.

Oh and fwiw I think it's ridiculous the cost. If your partner isn't attached to his mothers earthly body then why should you get yourself in debt. I'm shocked that that is what they recommend people do.

Green - that's a disgrace! Have you seen I, Daniel Blake? Ian Duncan Smith has said it is fiction, well it's my reality.

Sorry for your loss op

Just for info for all those suggesting donation for medical science - this can only be done by the deceased and is preorganised with paperwork etc. Even then it isn't a guarantee that they'll need or have space at the specific time. You can't donate someone else's body on their behalf.

I hope you get a solution.

More - exactly! They want to put us into a position that will make the living suffer for the benefit of the dead. People are too poor to die - is this what life has come to in 2016?

This charity might be able to give you some advice, not sure if they are national or just east london but might be worth a try www.quakersocialaction.org.uk/worried-about-paying-for-a-funeral

"I think people say "I don't care what happens to me", MIL actually said to take let body to the council tip!"

That's exactly the sort of attitude my dad had. It's unbelievably selfish.

It wasn't that long ago that a paupers funeral was shameful and even the poorest of the poor would avoid it.

Wow,this has made me think,we haven't got a spare £1000 lieing around either...why do councils assume people can afford this...can you refuse to be someone's next of kin...what if the person abused you as a child or was nasty to you,or you were no contact...surely you couldn't be forced to pay

I think you need to contact a Law Centre and get some legal advice. I don't see how you can be made responsible for someone else's debt.

Law Centres give advice to people who cannot afford a lawyer.
www.lawcentres.org.uk

Lazyjane,I'm waiting for that film to come out on DVD..couldn't afford cinema at the time

Hi op if your mum had life assurance even for a short time can you claim under that policy?

Christmass- we went to a free showing, 10am on a Sunday and the cinema was packed. It's fantastic. We are all Daniel Blake x

2014 - it wasn't held long enough. She lived in a 3 bedroom council house and was paying bedroom tax on the spare bedrooms. She went to the council every week asking to be rehoused to a 1 bedroom place, it took years.

Guys - I'm so grateful, not just for the practical advice but for helping me realise it's not just us who don't have pots of money lying around. We work, we rent a flat and have food in the cupboard. We're not poor, we have been but for now we're okay. We don't need much just enough to get by, but one 'disaster' and we'd be up shit creek.
We're going out in a moment to her bungalow to get any food and take it to the food bank. I will continue to update, partly for us but more than that I hope others can be helped by our experience.