I previously thought I loved my mother, but over time our relationship has now broken down to almost nothing.
Beginning with me doing my best to support her after she divorced my father when I was a young teenager, along with dealing with her manic depression as she repeatedly threw away her money & got in to debt, having little to no emotional support myself as I grew up I developed terrible sleeping patterns, never brushed my teeth or made much effort with personal cleanliness at times leading to later ongoing dental issues, and essentially many many reasons why our relationship got so twisted that I was a mother figure and at times carer to her.
I am now starting to look back on this time and realise how neglectful it was in some parts.
More recently I believe she has developed, or possibly always also had, narcissistic personality disorder, as she can be extremely selfish which I have had many issues, arguments and problems with over the years. She repeatedly accuses me of trying to 'control her' by such actions as giving her, at no cost, some hobby specific boots, and then when she was looking to buy more of them, I recommended another cost saving brand of shoes to help her save money as she doesn't have much due to afore mentioned debt issues. Apparently me giving her recommendations on how to save & manage money better whilst also helping her to do the hobby she loves is controlling.
Any involvement I try to have with her causes me more and more hurt. Her last visit staying with us she let me down with several things she said she'd help with, culminating in her coming back to ours from a friends with no apology or explanation hours after we were supposed to have had dinner together the evening before she went home - when I asked her why she didn't try & contact us to say she'd be late I was told 'I should just understand' which I got cross at then she ended the argument with her telling me to F off before leaving our house at 11.30pm at night.
For my own mental health I am thinking of going completely no contact in future.
My husband and I are looking to have children in the next few years, and I had hoped to have some, at least emotional as I would never automatically expect any practical, support from my mother in law. I am currently being faced with the feeling of my husband and I being 'pushed out' to the sidelines of the family as we don't yet have children, and his sibling does. I understand a grandchild is exciting and should be made a fuss of, and I think she is lovely, but the few times we do visit we just about get a perfunctory hello from those in the family who bother to talk to us, before being roundly ignored and barely included until we leave.
It hurts most, mil aside, from the sibling and partner, as I have tried hard to get to know them, include them and help them out (I've known sibling for the last 10 years, partner is a quite recent addition) in return I've received thoughtless behaviour (we took care of partners older daughter for several nights when they went away, I was given no advance warning that the child suffers from night terrors. It's great when you are looking after someone else's child to be woken by them screaming & crying in the middle of the night with no idea what's happening. Not having any children I had no idea what was going on which was really worrying at the time)
and no reciprocation of wanting to get to know me or spend any time all together at events.
It is so so hurtful and upsetting, which I may be over sensitive to, having no support from my own mother, but it does leave me concerned, worried and wondering how I will manage when I have no mother figure support to talk about child related things with in future, and I am most concerned about passing any damaging behaviour on in my parenting in future.