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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask if you loved your mum

151 replies

cherrycrumblecustard · 18/12/2016 22:22

I know for some that might seem a silly question.

But if you didn't, or couldn't, how does it affect your parenting?

I never used to think it made much difference but I think it does as I almost expect my children not to love me, which is sad in a way.

I just wondered if anyone could help I suppose :)

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 18/12/2016 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Catlady1976 · 18/12/2016 23:05

fc the title of the op is "did you love your mum" so that I'd why I answered.

DurdleDurdle · 18/12/2016 23:07

I love my Mum soooo much. She is so kind and loving. I think it's a fundamental reason why I am who I am. I think it's helped me be a good mum......

.....however, I think having a Mum who you don't love can can have the very same effect and can make you a good Mum too.

Sometimes I think having such a lovely Mum made me more confident of my ability to be a good Mum.

AmberLav · 18/12/2016 23:07

Yes, I do, but it's a sort of distant love, and that's kinda how I think she feels about us. Sometimes she is fully there. Other times it's like she totally forgets she has children. I've always been aware of it, and I understand that her mum and my dad messed her up.

So, I decided at 8 to be a more there mother when I got there... I think I've managed it...

She's a bit of a distant grandmother, but they love her, and she loves them in small doses...

Catlady1976 · 18/12/2016 23:07

Maybe we have read op more carefully.

Jjacobb · 18/12/2016 23:09

I adore my mum, she's 84 now and I see her every day.
My DD doesn't love me though, we are no contact now. It was my doing because I just couldn't cope with the pain she caused me. I miss her every day Sad

Nyancat · 18/12/2016 23:11

Yes more than she will probably ever realise. She does so much for all of us in the family and is the kindest, warmest person I know. I adore her and know how very lucky I am to have her and how lucky our kids are to have her. I hope I can half the mum she is to mine.

Tartyflette · 18/12/2016 23:13

I don't know whether my mum loved me, really, she wasn't one to say so. I'd say she didn't really know what to make of me - I wasn't a girly, chatty, gossipy girl like her and her sisters, so we didn't have a very close relationship. She was certainly devastated when my first DC was stillborn (although I didn't know that either until a friend of hers told me.)
But she was a fantastic Gran to my DS, even though we didn't always see eye-to-eye over him.
She looked after him when I went back to work, and when it came down to it I couldn't have contemplated leaving him with anyone else, so I suppose that tells you something.
So, a complicated relationship all told. She's gone now after a 10-year battle with dementia. That wasn't fun. I miss her a little, sometimes. But she had left us long before she actually went.

SienaSun · 18/12/2016 23:13

I think about this too OP.
I'm not sure if I love my mum. I'm very angry with her, although I don't think she knows that. I would never tell her. I always assumed I loved her, and I definitely did when I was a child. She was very ill recently, nearly died and didn't feel anything. I'm terrified that my little boy will feel like that about me when he's an adult. I try very hard to be as different a parent to her as I can be.
I'm glad you started this thread as its really not something you can talk about in real life.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 18/12/2016 23:14

It's hard, it doesn't matter who answers though.

OP posts:
thisagain · 18/12/2016 23:14

Yes, I loved her very much. She had a very dry sense of humour and was very witty. I also loved how non judgemental she was. She was very kind and caring. She died 20 years ago when she was 60 and I miss her daily. I find that most people consciously do a mixture of things their parents did (and they approved of), and making sure they avoid certain things that they do not think should be repeated. I think my mum was pretty faultless but think she should have encouraged us more at school and had academic expectations of us Instead she just wanted us to be happy. I think I would have tried more to meet them. This is one thing that I haven't repeated. My friend, whose mum was less than lovable, has found herself doing the same. fc301 The OP asked the quesion. It is important to see that in most families, a child does love their mother as, having not had that experience herself, she is doubtful that her children could love her.

sizeofalentil · 18/12/2016 23:15

No - but she was/is very cold and admitted to finding me 'unloveable' and enabled levels of abuse from df.

It's put me off having children and has prevented me from even forming close friendships tbh. There's not an area of my life it hasn't cast a shadow on.

ragdoll700 · 18/12/2016 23:16

What Nyancat said my mum is all that and more she is my best friend

MummyJellyFish · 18/12/2016 23:17

Yes, at first. As I got older I began to realise how horrible the way she behaved towards me was. Then I began to hate her a little (between about 12-17). Then I began to understand that she wasn't entirely to blame, her mother was a psychopath, crazy I kid you not-although it took a really long time to figure that one out. So I mellowed but I could never love her. The way she had behaved was not good enough. Now she'a dead (she died a month before my eldest was born). Most days it feels almost as if she never existed.

BakeOffBiscuits · 18/12/2016 23:18

I too think it's a bit insensitive to be posting about how wonderful your mum is. If you'd read beyond the thread title you'd understand why!

I didn't love mine, she left my brother and I with our dad, when I was 3 and took our baby sister with her. We visited her once a week, she never hugged us, kissed us or told us she missed us or tried to explain why she'd left us. I grew up very confused as in the early 70s people just got on with things and didn't discuss divorce.

It affected my parenting and life hugely, I have very poor self esteem, have always found it difficult to make friends (why would anyone be interested in me if my own mother wasn't) and and from a yo My age all I wasnted to do was be a man m. I understand OP why you don't expect your dc to love you.
I was exactly the same. I spoke to my Dh about it one day and he was incredulous. He couldn't understand what the heck I was on about but made me realise what a great mum I am. Do you have someone to talk to OP? I really think it helps.

MsGameandWatch · 18/12/2016 23:18

I did love her and probably still do, in a way but she was very violent and I was very frightened of her. Its obviously not a healthy love of you were frightened is it? How can it be? She only offered me one piece of parenting advice and that was to wean ds at six weeks because he wasn't gaining weight too well, I mildly told her that wasn't guidelines so I wouldn't and she put the phone down on me and didn't speak to me for almost six months. This sums her up, she will cut you off for anything, my Dad is the same. I hope I am different but I know I have sometimes shouted too much. My children aren't scared of me though, I know that much and tell me a lot of things I would never have dared tell my parents. I could never cut them off the way she does me. I often think she must really not care that much about me to be able to do that. She had a terrible childhood though, BUT is also very untruthful so I never know how much is exaggerated.

failingatlife · 18/12/2016 23:20

My mum is amazing & I love her dearly. Unfortunately she was diagnosed with bowel cancer a few days ago & I feel like my heart is breaking Sad
Flowers for those who don't have such a good relationship with their mum.

MrsSchadenfreude · 18/12/2016 23:20

I'm an only child. My mother says my cousin is "the daughter I never had." I think that tells you all you need to know about our relationship. To hear her speak about me, you would think I was some dribbling idiot who had no idea about anything, least of all bringing up children and working.

BakeOffBiscuits · 18/12/2016 23:21

be a mum, not be a man!

GettingitwrongHauntingatnight · 18/12/2016 23:21

I dont think i do and not sure she lovea me

lostoldlogin2 · 18/12/2016 23:24

I love my mother very much . She has been constantly supportive, is extremely intelligent and successful (much more than me) and is very kind and good. Sbe is also very musical. Despite being a succesful doctor (think head of department, hospital dean) I never felt that she was too busy for us as children and she is a fabtastic grabdmother to my son and kind and loving to my boyfriend. She has no idea of her own strength and if I could change one thing about her it would be to make her see herself as the kind, loving genius that everyone else can so clearly recognise that she is.

And.....frankly......my dad is exactly the same....except he's very sporty instead of very musical. I hit the jackpot with my parents, I really did. If I can be half as good as them I'll be happy.

haveacupoftea · 18/12/2016 23:24

I love my mum although I wonder if she loves me. She doesn't seem very concerned about my wellbeing, doesn't ring me to ask how I am in my pregnancy, doesn't buy me birthday or Christmas presents. I have resolved to show a lot of interest in my baby and protect them from everything I can. I always wished I could have one of those overbearing mothers who kept the house tidy, nagged me to do homework, tortured me with phone calls everyday etc rather than leaving me to it.

Klaptout · 18/12/2016 23:25

I had no memories of my mother as I was abandoned by her as a baby and taken into care, I was returned to her twice for her to do the same thing.
Spent years doing the rounds of kids homes and foster homes.
I fantasised about her over the years.
Invented many reasons for why she couldn't look after me, I just knew she would rescue me from abusive kids home. met her at 15, saw her three times. I was crushed to be rejected by her again.
I never felt that sense of safety, of belonging. I was always looking for it.
When I met DH I thought his family would become my family, I was badly wrong.
When we had the children I did struggle with fears of what if I turned into my Mother, I gave myself permission to write my own parenting rules.
Respect, trust and compassion are high on the list. Along with never raising fists or voices in anger.
Before going to bed me and the kids have a verbal checklist, safe? Happy?loved?

I see mention on MN of the FOG and I guess that's what keeps people stuck in toxic parent/child relationships.
I know lots of people who have gone NC with family, none have them have regretted it.

Scotinoz · 18/12/2016 23:26

Yes, I adore my Mum, she's fabulous 😊 She was a wonderful Mum when we were growing up and just as wonderful a friend/Mum now that I'm almost 40. I dread the day I lose her. I hope I'm as good a Mum to my own children.

I should really tell my Mum how great she is more.

galaxygirl45 · 18/12/2016 23:27

I always thought my mum was perfect until my dad left when i was 13. Mum then had a nervous breakdown and was never the same after.....she became obsessed with finding men (and seemingly the more unsuitable the better), to the point my sister and I were left to get on with it and she largely ignored my children in their early years. She met someone decent at 60 thank god and married him - and has been much better since, but if anything she's just made me more determined to be a better mum to my own kids. I love her dearly, but I've not always liked her and oddly enough, my sister is now in her 40s and going through the whole mental breakdown thing and causing havoc in the family. It's very exhausting and sometimes I wish I didn't have the "normal" gene.