AIBU to ask if you loved your mum

[cherrycrumblecustard]

I know for some that might seem a silly question.

But if you didn't, or couldn't, how does it affect your parenting?

I never used to think it made much difference but I think it does as I almost expect my children not to love me, which is sad in a way.

I just wondered if anyone could help I suppose :)

I'm not sure I do, nor my dad. They were both damaged in their way and I have also been left damaged. My mother was always quite distant and I didn't feel loved. However with my DD I have been determined to be different and make sure she feels loved and heard and supported and to celebrate who she is, so it has maybe made me a more thoughtful parent, and my relationship with DD is good as a result.

I hate my mother. She failed to protect me for 5 years against the emotional, mental and physical abuse that I suffered at the hands of my younger sister when I was 9 until 14. She also neglected us all by not feeding us (no food in the house) or making sure we had clean clothes to wear to school so I was bullied and made an outcast by the rest of the girls (day girl at a private boarding school on 100% government assisted place). Couldn't afford to have school meals added to the bill so was on packed lunches, except we never had any food to make one so I went for days (literally) without eating, unless I could sneak into the dining hall without being spotted by the bursar and finance team (who knew I shouldn't be queuing for meals).

I go overboard on making DS feel loved and always make sure he's clean and got enough to eat. Most of his meals are eaten at nursery so I know they're healthy and he's got plenty (they're offered seconds of everything if they want).

I constantly worry that I'm a shit mother but at least I put DS first at all times and make sure he's happy and safe.

Like a lot but not sure I love. When I give her a hug I feel nothing and just want it to end. Not sure why. Had a lovely childhood but just never ever felt good enough for her. I feel the same now in my relationship so have just carried on being with people who don't love me for who I am and who just want to critisize and drag me down.

No. I don't expect my daughter to love me but I really hope she will. She's not even 5 yet, but likes to tell me she loves me at least once a week :)

I don't really like my mum and I'm not at all close to her. She never abused me or anything and we had a relatively happy childhood so I almost feel I don't have a valid reason for not liking her.

It has affected how I view relationships between parents and children and I wonder how I will be with my own children when they are adults. I hope I will be a good mother to them - as I know what I should not do.

I find it weird when I see adult children out with their mothers. I wouldn't bring my mother out with me as I find her draining.

Once i invited her over to my house when I had friends and she arrived slurring her words and stumbling. She'd had a few drinks but I was just so embarrassed. When I told her I was annoyed about it she got angry at me. She often drinks too much so I avoid her at times she drinks.

She is extremely nosy and tries to find out as much information about people as possible and then obsesses on them. I find it annoying to be drilled for information on for example - my friend's sister - someone I've never met or given a second thought to. I don't give her any information as if I do she throws it back in my face later on in an argument.

She talks 'at me'. She just drones on and on and on and on about people I don't know and don't care about. She doesn't seem to notice that I have no interest in these people.

She's very insecure and immature and a bit of a snob. She is obsessed with my inlaws - on the one hand she looks down on them because she regards them as inferior but on the other hand she is jealous of them because they have done well for themselves in life through hard work and luck. I can't even tell my mum when my inlaws visit as she gets annoyed and starts comparing how much time I spent with her. I actually hardly ever see them because they live far away but that's not good enough for her. Whenever I used to go to visit them I would get angry accusing texts. The fact is i actually do now prefer them because they are 'normal'. I feel like MIL is more of a mother to me than my own mother. I always notice how she interacts with her own daughters - because it is so different. I find it weird when I see MIL's daughters seem to love her and enjoy her company. I find it weird in a good way.

Sometimes my mum says cruel things in order to seem 'cool' and young - not that that makes any sense. She sniggers about some disabled people that are at her workplace. I hate it. I always pull her up on it. My own child had a hidden disability but I haven't told her yet.

She is always offering to mind my children and making me feel guilty if I don't let her. When I do let her mind them she holds it over me and makes me feel bad - as if I owe her something.

Sometimes I think is there something wrong with me that I dislike her so much - but she is so different to other people's mums. Their mums seem to be normal people they can have a chat with - I just can't imagine happily choosing to spend time with my mother.

I do wonder how i will feel when she passes away. I imagine I'll feel free of her.

My Mum had a childhood with almost no love in it at all, as she lost her own mother at her birth, and was shunted around for many years. Never badly or unkindly treated, but never loved. So naturally enough, having a baby girl of her own was a bit of a sort of thing for her. She had no family support of any kind when I was born, no confidante to speak to, only my Dad, and he was a workaholic, and although he loved both of us very much, he was never able to show it.

She loved me very much, and did her absolute best with me (I'm an only child), and I loved her very much in return, because she was the gentlest, kindest, cleverest and most underestimated woman I have ever known. She died before I had my first baby.

I miss that my parents were never able to give me much physical affection though or say "I love you so much I could burst" when looking back, they obviously DID, but were unable to express it. This has had an impact on how I bring up my own daughters - they can't shake me off them! I'm very physically affectionate with them, always telling them how much I love them, even when they're asleep, and they are so responsive to it that I can see how it fills a big gap I had in my own childhood.

My Dad is a better grandparent than a father. He is more relaxed and sees how much he missed out on when I was small.

I love and like my mum but she was not a good mum really growing up.

We were well cared for, fresh home cooked meals etc. however she has mh issues and was unaffectionate and very distant. We were taught from a very young age not to really bother her if ill/upset etc. but to go to our dad.

At the time, I disliked her but as an adult I can see how miserable she was, and how she didn't really know how to relate to us, she was scared off us and getting it wrong. She was also in a marriage that was totally wrong for her and my df, so things actually improved when he left when I was around 11/12. She had to be more involved.

We have a fab relationship now, I know I am not like her with my son as I am very affectionate and tell him all the time I love him etc.

She is brilliant with my ds tho and he adores her, I tihkn as there is no pressure for her to parent, she is far more relaxed. He will go up and cuddle her and she was cuddle him back etc. Which is lovely to see

My dsis has been more affected or is more like her, where she doesn't show affection, although she forces herself with her dc, and she has a good relationship with them.

Navy

No. She left when I was a baby. By the time she came back for me I felt nothing for her at all. Luckily (for me) she failed to get custody.

Your relationship with your parents is bound to have an effect on how you feel/cope/interact with your own children. I look at mine and can't quite believe that she would do that, whatever the circumstances. That said, I understand how hard it must have been for her and I hold no grudge because I was never in her shoes. I don't feel like there was something wrong with me because she left me. I did for a bit when my youngest was a baby but the logic in me knows that this is not true. It wasn't my fault.

My children love me. One is more demonstrative than the other, but I know this. They love me because I am there. I will always be there. I protect them and I make them feel loved to my best ability. That is the most important thing.

Through my early adult life I fought against the realisation that my Mother preferred other siblings to me, it broke me and I just backed off. She is a lovely woman and she made mistakes just as we all do once we are parents. Now in our older years it is much more relaxed, I accept and appreciate she prefers the personalities of a couple of siblings and finds them easier to get on with and that's OK now. And yes I love her and know she loves me. I have been thinking that maybe a mother loves her child more than the child loves the mother at some stages in life but I may be wrong!

I think I did love her in a love/hate skewed way. She was emotionally abusive to me, but not to anybody else in the family. She couldn't stand me. I would have gone NC if it wasn't for her dying of cancer a few years ago. I had lived away for some time, and when I moved back home to be near my family, the abuse got worse than ever + I was pregnant at the time. She died eventually, and I was devastated. Spoke to my therapist about it and she suggested I was probably devastated about the fact I never had the mum I needed. Still makes me cry tbh (like right now). In my own parenting with my son, I try to be there for him, not blame him when things go wrong, and always tell him I love him, and give him lots of cuddles. I did not get any of these things from my mum, so I want to change it for the better.

God yes, I did and do. She's the greatest, kindest, most selfless person I've ever known. I adore her.

I don't love mine. I can't refer to her other than as 'my mother' and never to her face. I only see her a couple of times a year (one of those being Christmas, which I'm dreading). She was alcoholic for years and used to tell me how I'd ruined her life by being born - this being said while I was, from the age of 11-ish, taking care of her and my younger siblings. She said that my physical disabilities were 'God punishing her.' Everything I did was wrong, and 'not normal' (I strongly suspect I have ASD, and she was very unkind to me about stimming/anxiety/sensory issues, but even beyond that, things like enjoying reading, being intellectually curious and not watching TV soaps or having a boyfriend aged 13 were all 'not normal' according to her) She also said I 'wasn't a real person'.

She thinks she was a wonderful mother because she said 'I love you' a lot and bought me lots of toys. To this day she tries to buy my affection - mostly with things that I'm uninterested in, but that her ideal daughter would like! She thinks I should be forced, in my late 20s, to have regular contact with her (by whom? I have no idea.) She also thinks that being affectionate with me (hugs, kisses) is something she should keep doing after I've told her not to and that I'm uncomfortable with it, because 'you have to get used to it.' I find it extremely hard to say 'I love you' to anyone else. It feels fake, because whenever she said it it was so empty.

I'm sorry for everyone else in this thread who has been through something similar, or worse. In a way, though, it's validating to read, because whenever I mention this to people I know in RL, the response is usually a variation on 'you only get one mother, it's wrong not to love her...'

I don't have children. When I was younger, I desperately wanted a child so that I could prove I could be a good mother, and not like her. It didn't happen then, but the older I've got the more worried I am that I wouldn't know how to be a good mother, because of her example.

I loved my mum and she loved me

She was left in an orphanage where she was beaten on a very frequent basis and had to line up with the other ophans to be picked by prospective parents

She never was...she thought it was because she waas ugly and there was something wrong with her

At 13 her mum turned up...took her to meet her 3 brothers and sisters and her new stepfather. They lived in a one bed room and the beatings and hunger didnt stop (though by all accounts her stepdad was lovely)

She was told constantly that the four illegitimate children and one room living were all her fault and that she had ruined her mothers life

My mum loved me and i loved her. Always had hugs and kisses even though she never did. Always told i was pretty and clever though she never was

I am sorry to anyone here that had shitty mothers

But it doesnt mean that you will be one

I loved my mum so much. She loved me too. When I had DD, she visited me in hospital that same day. I put DD in her arms and she looked at me with tears in her eyes. At that point I realised that she loved me so much.
She died three years ago. I miss her so very much that I have tears in my face typing this. I think she knew me better than anyone and I model my parenting on her.

Thank you, elf.

Imaginosity
I can relate to so much in your post, it's sort of reassuring to know I'm not the only person in the world who feels like this.
I've always felt embarrassed by my mum and acutely aware that she wasn't like other people's 'normal' mums. I used to feel guilty about feeling that way but now that I've got a child of my own I know I some of the things she did were unforgivable.
I sometimes envy other people's relationships, like when I go on a hen do and the mother of the bride is there and is a normal person you can have a normal conversation with. It would have been unthinkable for me to invite my mum on my hen do.
I don't hate her, in fact I see her regularly and she helps out a lot with my son. She's great with babies but I'll keep a close eye on their interaction as he gets older.
She has no idea how I feel about her and I would never tell her. She has no empathy so it wouldn't achieve anything. I think she did her best and certainly loved me. She grew up in an institution, so had no model for parenting or how to love a child.
I hope my child won't feel like this about me when he's an adult.

Yes I do love my mum, but I don't like her. She's hard work and I vent about her quite a bit. Though at the end of the day I'll forgive and forget. She has never been abusive or done anything unforgivable. some posters have described truly awful relationships which makes me sad. In comparison my mum is just a pain in the ass and I am thankful for that.
I understand her better now I am a parent and can see echos of her in my behaviour. It does give me anxiety to think I will make her mistakes especially as I feel I struggle with my dc, they are very small and I am not the parent I imagined I could be
I have to work very hard to control my patience & be communicative. I have to make that choice every day. I make mistakes regularly and beat myself up about them. I try to do what my mum never did and this is explain my behaviour & apologise. Most importantly I never allow myself to make dc an excuse. You know, 'I'm sorry but you really shouldn't have done that or you really upset me.' It's never their fault!

I presume so (she died when I was four) - the vast hole that her absence left in my life is ever present now, and I'm in my forties. She certainly sounds lovely from what people have said.

Step mum - no - maybe got close to it at the start, but she wasn't very nice at times (and her own two children weren't exactly close to her either). Within a week of her dying my dad got rid of all the photos of her in the house and replaced them with ones of my mum. He has early dementia now and is adamant he never married again after my mum died (he was married to my step mum for nearly 30 years - he's just wiped it out - it wasn't a happy marriage on the whole).

Mother figure I had growing up - to the moon and back. Wonderful woman. Wish I could be more like her as a mum - I try to be (but know that I'm not!). I guess she is how I imagine my mum would be.

MIL - I think DH loves her, although I don't think he particularly likes her. I don't love her - she's been a massive disappointment to me if I'm honest - I really wanted her to be lovely mum.

I don't love my mum. We used to be really close but then she stopped being my mum and tried to be my friend. She shared things you shouldn't share with a daughter, she's manipulative and just not nice in general.
I'd like to say it hasn't affected my parenting but I spend my time wondering if my children a won't love me in future.

I do love my mum, and i recognise how hard she worked and how much she sacrificed to bring us up. But the reality is that we are very, very different people who have little in common and disagree about far more than we agree about.

She reads the Mail, I read the Guardian.
She is a practicing Catholic, I am an atheist who views religion as divisive and dangerous.
She is very materialistic, I dislike shopping and don't care about 'stuff'.
She voted leave, I voted remain.
I am a feminist, she thinks "political correctness has gone too far".
And so on, and so on.......

If we were not mother and daughter, we would not be friends, which is sad.

I think my mum loved me but due to her crippling anxiety and bipolar depression she found it very hard to show it. Everything including me irritated her and she couldn't really cope with life so turned to alcohol to medicate herself.
Due to her unpredictability I was never sure whether she would be nice or nasty so I pretty much built a very high wall around myself to protect myself from my mothers temper and swinging highs and lows. I did love her but mostly was afraid or disgusted by her drinking and inability to show me unconditional love. She's dead now, through alcoholism and I do miss her, although in truth I simply miss having a mum that would truly be a mother to me.

No I don't love her and I don't even like her. She walked out on me when I was a young child and as an adult thinks that I owe her. She's a noose around my neck and adds nothing to my life. She sees my children and they quite like her but she's too selfish to have a proper relationship with them.

So far I have an incredibly close relationship with my children, I tell them daily how much I adore them, I only hope that when they are grown up they feel the same way about me

I honestly don't know but i think not. She was recently diagnosed with vascular dementia and her deterioration has been so so quick, it's terrifying. I feel so much guilt, just so much.

She has always been pretty cold to me (I remember crying at a fair aged about 11 because she asked for a specific toy for me when I won some stupid stall thing - I realised she'd never done that before, put my wants first, and it really hurt). I had a great childhood in many ways but looking back, she was never that involved - benign neglect, I think it's called... it helped me to be incredibly independent and resourceful but I think I missed out on so much.

I am sure she would see things differently but from my side, she would've been happy with just my DDad and my older brother. I often wonder why she had me as she just didn't give me the love she showed them.

I took a huge step back a few years ago when I could see her treatment of me being replayed against my DD - made me so sad for the little girl I used to be.

So now I sit here, weighed down by guilt as I don't feel anything even though she is dying. I have admitted this to one other person who was amazing but hates his family so it was probably easier to share with him.

As for my DC, I utterly adore them and never ever want them to feel the way I did. I try so hard to make them feel loved and aware of just how proud I am of who they are and everything they do. I try to be the mum in wish I had but I know I fall short a lot of the time. But I try. Yet I'm still so scared, like you OP.