AIBU to ask if you loved your mum

[cherrycrumblecustard]

I know for some that might seem a silly question.

But if you didn't, or couldn't, how does it affect your parenting?

I never used to think it made much difference but I think it does as I almost expect my children not to love me, which is sad in a way.

I just wondered if anyone could help I suppose :)

I love my mum, but it can be hard work.

On one hand, she and my dad are very generous with their time and money. On the other hand, there are strings attached, not so much with my dad but definitely with my mum. I have always gotten a very clear message that her affection is related to how well I performed to her expectations of me. As long as I am a good and dutiful daughter, plenty of approval and support is forthcoming. If I step out of line, it is rapidly withdrawn, or guilt trips are applied.

So I guess I love her in the same way. Dutifully and conditionally. The more repressed and controlled I feel, the less I love her.

Sorry, posted too early. It certainly makes me parent differently. It's imperative to me that my kids know that my love for them is not conditional.

Rift before posting tales of how wonderful your own mum is. Lots of us really struggle and it's nice to feel you're not alone.

I have a very distant relationship with my mum. As a child/young adult I felt as if she was perpetually disappointed in me (although not my golden child sister who she considers her "best friend").
Now she seems to have lost interest in me and had never seemed very interested in my children. I feel like we don't fit the picture she wanted.
Having said that, she is a person who suffers low self esteem and just didn't know how to deal with someone very different to her.
I think she does love me, sort of, and I do love her - very much - but there's a lot of hurt there too.
I think she probably thinks I don't love her, as I have withdrawn from her so much.
I have my own children and I hug and kiss them and tell them they are loved all the time. I don't want them to ever doubt it.

I find it comforting that people have great relationships with their mum's, as that shows that a good relationship is achievable. I hope my kids love me and feel loved. I have had a difficult relationship with my own mum, and she had a difficult relationship with hers.

When I was young yes (perhaps because that's what was expected), but not as an adult. I see her for what she is; a self centred alcoholic who never wanted children and tolerates being a parent to me becase i conformed to her vision for her children, but totally fucked up my brother.

I'm determined to parent differently but do worry that I am like her.

I don't love my Mother, I don't even like her as a person. I refer to her as Mother and to her face as her first name because its how I distance myself from her as a mother image. She's a rotten to the core narc that made my childhood a terrifying mix of anxiety about what mood she would be in and worry over the next time I do something "wrong". She destroyed me and my siblings, we can't bare to spend too long together as it brings back bad memories.

I parent in the exact opposite way. I love my DD utterly and she knows it because I tell her every day. My Mother never told me that she loved me until a few years ago. Probably because she heard me and my siblings telling our children that we loved them all the time. I've never said it back to her and I almost vomited the first time she said it. It makes my skin crawl.

My Mum died nearly four years ago. I believe she loved us very much but made very poor decisions throughout her adult life mainly due to poverty, mental health issues and dependence on alcohol. This has affected the way I parent although I vowed not to let it. I probably had to deal with too much too early and I now look at my children in their cosy, happy wee lives that I have created for them but feel slightly removed from it all. I often will sabotage my own happiness and often feel my children should be more grateful for what they have. They have no idea what my life was like and no one knows how I feel. I'm fairly closed down. So yes I did love my Mum but I don't lioe the legacy my upbringing has left me with.

I was thinking about this the other day and I don't know. She died this summer and I was thinking recently that I feel free now and don't really miss her now. I did used to love her but I discovered the lies she told us all when I cleared her house as she was a hoarder and didn't throw anything away. My Aunt has confirmed she was a liar from childhood. She had Dementia so easy to blame that but now I look back she lied and manipulated me my whole life.

She tried to sabotage my relationship with my Dad and my Relationship with her side of the family. She adored my Brother but he has come out much worse in life than I have and I pity him. I am so thankful I realised who my Dad is compared to the man she told me he is and I love him more than ever. My Brother has gone NC with him. Dad has a lovely partner now and she has been a great support to me, our family is very lucky to have her.

It doesn't affect my parenting as having my own DD highlighted to me how shit my Mum's parenting and how she didn't put my interests first, just her own. My DD is currently on a plane headed back to the UK. I haven't seen her for 4 months and can't wait to see her and give her a huge hug, roll on lunchtime.

Yes, she was clever, elegant and witty. She wasn't a natural mum but was a wonderful person and much admired. I miss her every day as she died young.

I had no kids, to end the line of uninvolved parents ... but reading through the posts, to those who had difficult relationships with their mums. I thought the worst thing was losing mine young, but it must be harder to feel neglected or hated by a long-living parent

Haven't read every post in detail but the one from Swinky resonated with me. You are at the beginning of the fabulous journey that is parenthood. For me that was when I really began to question how I had been treated over the years and made the decision " this stops with me". I'm sure I've done things over the years that my children might not have liked but they know they are loved unconditionally for themselves.
I still wish I could be the daughter my mum would love but every time I manage to get 1 thing right something new is added to the list of requirements. It's like a traditional tale "quest story" but I no longer look for the happy ending. Thank goodness for my lovely MIL.

No. I've never loved her, just a feeling of vague disdain. She's pathetic. She arranged it so she could be conveniently absent so my dad and his family could abuse me. She was like a blinkered steamroller, determined to carry on with how she imagined life was regardless of the facts. She'd put shoes on my feet that didn't fit so they rubbed and made my feet bleed, then put them on again the next day. She arranged trips away on my birthday without me. Yet my dad always made me help run the house with no accountability from her.

And yes, I worry about it affecting my parenting. I've asked for support from places like Home start though and everywhere I go people say what a good job I'm doing so I must be doing something right! It's just tough how so many things can be made hard. I couldn't bear to bf, it made my skin crawl. I hate bathing with her. I never know whether I'm being too 'helicopter parent' or if I'm being the right amount of involved and stepping back she might feel ignored. When I dress her nicely and do her hair I feel like a creep, dressing her up to be looked at (puke).
I guess all we can do is our best, and see what they say when they're older...

Rixera that sounds hard

It used to feel like I had to sit for hours, morning and night, while my mother did my hair. It makes me really wary about doing the same with DD. Her hair is still quite short but it's curly. I let it alone mostly but I worry if looks messy.

I don't feel much like or love for my mum. I did as a small child but then she started bemoaning ever having children with my (abusive) dad, was never affectionate, and has never got me as a person. It's difficult as she's very elderly now and is taking up a lot of my time and energy. I feel resentful, and guilt for feeling resentful, and wonder if I'll feel sad when she dies. I feel very detached from her.
I am affectionate and loving with my DS, and see him as his own person, but I always wonder if I'm doing it all wrong, and I do worry OP if he will feel distant from me when he's grown up.

I said my mum was amazing. I'm sorry if that upset anyone, I didn't mean for it to do so. I'm still getting over losing her, though I doubt I ever will.

I'm sorry it's hard for you Wilbur

Thanks cherry. I'm sure you're a fantastic mum.

Hopefully this is a useful perspective for the OP, as she was worried particularly about parenting (and I hope it isn't just another insensitive 'my mum is great!' post):

I adore my mum, who had a very difficult relationship with her own mother (I don't think she'd say she didn't love her, but they certainly frequently disliked each other). My grandmother was critical with a furious temper and you can clearly see how it has affected my mother. However, my mum has always been a fantastic mother and I had such a warm and loving childhood. I think, in hindsight, there were ways in which mum 'overcompensated' a bit (possibly also because of her unnecessary guilt about being a working mother), but she did a great job overall and both my brother and I were lucky enough to know that we were unconditionally loved. I know my mum's worst fear was that she would have a bad relationship with her own children (and particularly with me, her only daughter), but that isn't the case at all and we're all very close. There's no reason that having a difficult mother will automatically make you one.

All posts are helpful.

Some help me see how hopefully you should see your mum. Some make me feel like not such a terrible person for not loving her. Some just make me feel 'yes I know what you mean!'

I don't love my mum. Or like her. Even a little bit. I feel very angry towards her and it's not productive or doing me any good but I haven't got to a point where I can get past those feelings yet.

I loved her when I was a child but it was a misguided loyalty that I felt for her I think. She was abusive to me, emotionally and physically. To this day I'm more affected by her emotional abuse rather than the slaps and punches that I had to endure.

I was 15 when she told me to leave her house, midway through my gcse's. I'd been bullied at school too and I really struggled with the pressure of everything. I did ok but not great compared to my predicted grades and my capabilities.

Her move forced my hand and I went to live with my boyfriend, who was a lot older than me and not a very nice man. I spent the next 2/3 years hiding from my mum as much as I could. Changed my hair, the way I dressed etc so if she saw me she might not recognise me.

When I had my son at 17 she found me. She coerced me into rekindling a relationship with her for the sake of my elderly grandma who now was a great grandma. I did.

For the next 6 years, we had a friendly relationship, I kept her at arms length for probably 3/4 years. It took me a long time to trust her. When I became a single mum to 3, she was there for me and I felt that she'd finally made amends for everything. 3 years of being closer than we ever had been then I got married. And the narcissistic, nasty, abusive behaviours started to creep out of her again. We took 12 months of it (husband included) then I exploded.

It's been 2 years of NC now and although I still feel angry that I trusted her and she let me and my beautiful children down again, I feel relieved that I don't have to deal with that everyday anymore.

Does it affect the way I parent my children? Yes, I vowed that I would never ever treat my children in the same disgraceful way that she's treated me. They will never be afraid or feel unloved. They will never feel bullied in their own home or worry that they can't come to me with their problems. I will never abandon them.

Sorry for the long rant

I don't call my mother anything to her face and haven't referred to her as anything other than mother for a long time. I don't know if I love her or not and think that she probably does love us, in her own way, but it has take years to realise that way isn't normal.

I felt loved during my childhood - but realise now that it was because I was compliant and obedient. Once I started to have opinions and disagree with her, it was like the mask slipped and the poisonous narcissist was revealed. I now think that she is just a good actor and that there's nothing underneath. Everything has to be on her terms and her way is always best.

It is strange, because all of the family (her in laws etc) adore her and view her as some kind of wise woman - but the truth is, the advice she gives them is often wrong (generally on medical matters) and when I point it out to her she turns on me. She is nasty and abusive and I worked out a long time ago that I could never confide in her or tell her anything that revealed me to be vulnerable because she would sneer and twist it all.

I see other women with their mothers and I envy their easy relationships, but I don't want that with my mother. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a couple of months ago and has little time left. I visit her each Saturday - mostly because I live 200 miles away, but also because I feel awkward around her and have done for the best part of 30 years. I don't know how I feel about her dying. Someone suggested that it would be a good idea for us to have a talk and for me to tell her how I feel, but I never will because it will be too little too late. I wanted a mother 30 years ago and I've got very used to not having one.

I think that it has affected the way I've parented. I do love my children, but I feel distant from them and find it difficult to be in their company for long periods of time. I have opportunities to work abroad for up to 3 months at least twice a year, and I always take them. Luckily my husband is a good father and more than compensates for my distance, but at some point the children will start to notice that I'm acting and I can see the cycle starting again. If I'm honest, it would have been better if I hadn't had them.

Hate my mum, she let her many husbands abuse me. Up until this year she was still trying to destroy my life. I was taken from her at 4 thankfully.

Doesn't make a difference on my parenting, I've got 3 amazing children who I love unconditionally, I am apparently too overprotective of them but I'm happy to be that way.

Hugs to all others who had awful mums and for those that have lost their mums

Mum didn't love me or like me.

The feeling is mutual. If she died today it wouldn't affect my life at all.

Yes it does affect my parenting. I'm a total pushover with my 2 DDs, if I do ever snap and yell (like when DD1 smashed the TV screen - total accident, but had repeatedly been told to stop flinging the USB cable around) I feel terribly guilty for days after. ExDP constantly reminds me that I'm not my mother and sometimes kids need telling off. Me telling them off is not the same as my Mum beating me to a pulp because I'd dropped a towel on the stairs when I was bringing my washing downstairs.

Dawndonnaagain Sun 18-Dec-16 22:45:40

really sorry to hear you have split with your dh and that you didnt get on with your mum, I hope you have a fab xmas. xx

Yes I loved her passionately - I was very very lucky she was gorgeous, she gave me more love and warmth in our short time together than I ever seen from DH cold hard bitch of a mum. I am/ was very lucky, I hope my DC feel as loved.