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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask if you loved your mum

151 replies

cherrycrumblecustard · 18/12/2016 22:22

I know for some that might seem a silly question.

But if you didn't, or couldn't, how does it affect your parenting?

I never used to think it made much difference but I think it does as I almost expect my children not to love me, which is sad in a way.

I just wondered if anyone could help I suppose :)

OP posts:
Ohsofat · 19/12/2016 00:47

I loved and still love my mum beyond measure and she loved me the same back, sadly she died 20 years ago.

I also love my children beyond measure and they also love me back, if I''m even half the mum my mum was then I'm doing good.

Graphista · 19/12/2016 00:50

No not any more she's destroyed any affection I once had for her.

She loves my sister and is hugely supportive and caring towards her and her children. Indifferent mostly to my brother and his kids.

To me and my dd we are as far as she is concerned difficult, challenging, inconvenient, awkward.

She didn't protect us from our abusive dad (sister in complete denial, brother has decided to 'forgive and forget' but lives far away whereas I cannot - mainly as I got the brunt of it and as I wouldn't allow my dd to be alone with abusive people). She refuses to full acknowledge what happened, what our childhood was really like, won't accept any responsibility for that.

She's also taken it out on dd who has neither done nor said anything to warrant this. She's massively let me and dd down on several occasions and I've pretty much had enough. It's only as dd still wants contact that I have anything to do with her. Dd is far more forgiving than I but even she is being tested now.

Some people really shouldn't become mothers.

Graphista · 19/12/2016 00:54

Sorry to answer re parenting I have always and always will be there and supportive of dd no matter what. I had other women as positive maternal role models. We have a (mostly given she's a teen) good relationship. She says she can talk to me about anything and I won't/don't judge. We're close and have fun and a warm relationship. And she knows if anyone DARED hurt her I'd have her back.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 19/12/2016 01:05

I don't love my selfish and toxic mother, who has done so many awful things that I won't go into, but still paints me as the difficult daughter because I'm not willing to brush everything under the carpet like she does. I'm not NC (yet, but building up to it). I think it has affected my parenting in that it makes me a better Mum to my DD as I know exactly how not to parent. I'm proud of how well I've done actually

DurdleDurdle · 19/12/2016 01:05

Aww, there are some sad stories on here Thanks

iogo · 19/12/2016 01:08

I feel so sad for those who don't have a positive relationship with their mum for whatever reason. Flowers to you.

I utterly adored my mum and she me. She was truly my best friend as I became an adult although I don't remember a time when I didn't enjoy my parents company. She died in 2011 when I was 33 and it still takes me breath away when I think about how much I miss her. I want to phone her every day to tell her things.

I hope I'm creating the same relationship with my own DD - parenting her now in such a way that she can become my friend once she is an adult.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 19/12/2016 01:13

I do love her, but don't like her much.

We're different people, and she hates that I'm different from her. I was to be just like her, because I was "hers". She doesn't like the fact that I grew up.

It affects my parenting because I want DD to feel secure in our relationship with each other and I want her to be confident and independent and think for herself. I never was encouraged to do any of that. Even now I'm getting shit on by my mother for doing things with DH and DD "when she's all alone." (She lives 45 minutes away and has a boyfriend). It's very codependant.

I worry about becoming like her all the time.

LucieLucie · 19/12/2016 01:17

I spent my childhood feeling deeply unhappy and wishing I could have been adopted to a nice family.

My Mum was always angry and quite violent. She had 4 children very close together. I was the oldest with just 1 year between my sister. My sister got love, I didn't.

My mum didn't like me and told me I was horrible. Result is terribly low self esteem, life long depression and yet I still long for her approval, attention, love...but it never comes.

She never told me she loved me until I was 35! In a text message I may add.

Lots of back story, she is toxic but makes out it's me. I feel so sad and hurt when I see other people with loving supportive mothers. I don't know if I love her, I propbably do but I can honestly say I don't like her.

It probably has affected my parenting as I spoilt my child and he's told he's loved every single day. He's a brat though but I'm hoping he'll grow out of that and at least know he was always loved and supported no matter what.

Bearcats · 19/12/2016 01:17

I love my mum very much, and she does me.

She does however, have an awful spiteful streak that can rear its head every so often. It's been about a year since a really bad time, but she can say some awful things.

I remember being about 7 or 8, and her telling me I couldn't call her mummy anymore because I didn't deserve to and she didn't want to be my mum anymore, and only answering if I used her first name while she lovingly responded when my brother said mummy. It only lasted a day, but I really vividly remember it and feeling so low about it. Every so often things like this occur, even now. I don't want to go into too much detail about what she says now I'm an adult as I've spoken about it with close friends and don't want to say anything too identifying!

She ferociously denies it ever happening, and it's not worth the arguement. I don't doubt she loves me, but I wish that part of her would change.

Katedotness1963 · 19/12/2016 01:26

Yes. I suppose I did, she's been dead for years and I miss her. I don't think she loved me though, I always felt she regretted getting married and having kids and just couldn't be bothered. We were certainly never told we were lived, there was no affection.

I did worry that I wouldn't be able to parent properly, show affection, be a good mum. Then my kids were born and it was so easy to love them, to tell the I loved them, to hug and kiss them, to look at them and know, without a doubt, that there's nothing I wouldn't do for them.

It has left me wondering if my parents were crappy parents or if we were just unloveable children.

But, yes, there are times, late at night, when I wonder if my kids really like me, how I'm fucking up their lives without meaning to, and what they'll remember/say about me when I'm gone...

glitterazi · 19/12/2016 01:31

I don't even want to read this thread all the way to the end as I had/still have a lovely mother. Extend that to a lovely father, and extended family via aunts, uncles, etc.
May do my head in most of the time lol, mostly via treating me like I'm 5.
Although it's lovely, my relationship is lovely albeit irritating sometimes I do sometimes wonder if I'm shouty crap mother.
Sometimes I shout, I don't mean to but they really know how to wind each other up and eldest calls me names and defies when in the midst of a teenage spurt.

Been shouty for a while and don't want them posting on a future forum in years to come saying how I'm shit. Sad

LesserofTwoWeevils · 19/12/2016 02:15

I try to but never felt loved when I was younger—she took me and my brother away from my father and the rest of the family when we were small, so other than her there wasn't anyone else who might have loved me.

It's affected my parenting because I was never mothered and didn't have close friends so had no examples of mothering—I just felt I didn't know how to do it.

And I was afraid of influencing my DCs too much so that they would turn out like me. I loved/love them hugely but wish I had had more confidence, especially with my DD, and had been less afraid of being /had more idea how to be close to her.

pithivier · 19/12/2016 04:25

Fearing that our children will not like us is common for those who have experienced poor parenting. All through our formative years we are told we are unloveable.

I was determined to be the best mum I could, but I had a feeling of inevitability with regards to them not loving me once they left childhood behind. They are all in their mid 40s now. We are so close, our reletionship is one of mutual love and respect. I have learned from her how not to be a mum.

She died last year in her 90s, I looked after her right till the end and she managed to hurt me till her last breath.

toomuchtooold · 19/12/2016 04:40

There must have been a time when I loved her but by about 8 or 9 I can remember thinking that I couldn't possibly be as evil as she constantly made out and that maybe the thing to do was just try to escape her notice till I could leave home. I had my dad there, a damaged but lovely person, and although he was more of a brother than a father still I'm grateful to him for being himset because it was only because of him that I learned how to love.
Having kids is terrifying to me (mine are 4) but one thing about escaping a childhood with a scary emotionally abusive narcissistic controlling mother - I'm very good at getting on with things and not letting fear bother me. I'm now getting counselling with hypnosis to try and bring down my fight/flight response to normal which is going to be good, because all the suppressed fear is starting to make me sick.

pithivier · 19/12/2016 05:36

toomuchtooold💐

LarrytheCucumber · 19/12/2016 05:57

I'm not sure OP. She has done some quite hurtful things in her life and she once admitted that she has always been selfish.
When she rings up she rarely asks how I am and I know she doesn't really want to know. She wants me to tell her happy things and cheer her up.
She appears very close to my sister and moved to be near her, but I wonder if all is as it seems there.
It did affect my parenting.
It took me some time to realise that I should love my children unconditionally
Growing up I always thought that if I did things to please her she would love me, but it never quite happened.
My children are all adults now and they do love me.

minifingerz · 19/12/2016 06:16

Absolutely love my mum. She's very very loving to me and my children.

I'm also a very loving and affectionate mum.

tohaveandhavenot · 19/12/2016 06:18

I love my mum - but I don't like her.

She lies constantly, it is beyond infuriating

CheerfulYank · 19/12/2016 06:22

Yes.

She wasn't perfect. I didn't like her much sometimes. But being a mum myself made me realize how very hard she had it and how much she did try. And now she's a wonderful loving grandmother who has so much fun with my DC.

I do carry some of the earlier times with me, though. I'm sure we all do. Just lately I think I am making my oldest boy feel the way my mum used to make me feel and I hate it :(

sonlypuppyfat · 19/12/2016 06:22

I grew up in a home full of love laughter and affection I was very lucky

CheerfulYank · 19/12/2016 06:23

Oh Pith :( I am so sorry.

PickledCauliflower · 19/12/2016 06:26

My family was very dysfunctional. Both parents were not at all loving to my siblings and I. The atmosphere at home was awful, most of the time - I knew it wasn't normal.
I didn't love my mum. I lost contact with her when I was around 19, I felt nothing when I heard that she had died three years ago.

I don't think this has made me less affectionate with my own children. Despite the odd upbringing, I don't think it has passed down to my own family in any way.
I did think it was a shame that my children didnt have any grandparents around when they were little. My husband is older, his parents passed away before they were born.

minifingerz · 19/12/2016 06:29

Reading these comments has made me think that we live in an age where there is much more of a concept of 'parenting' as an emotional and not just a physical role. Both my parents had emotionally harsh childhoods - very little expression of love and not a lot of 'nurturing'. My dad was kind to us but not especially demonstrative. But my mum is and always has been someone who is good at relationships. Long, happy marriage, many many friends, three children who adore her. I'd love to be like her!

minifingerz · 19/12/2016 06:31

Would add, DH has a wonderful mother. He loves her so much. He's a fantastic father. His three sisters are brilliant mums who are completely adored by their children.

PickledCauliflower · 19/12/2016 06:35

PS.
Despite feeling that my dysfunctional parents, may not have affected my own feelings as a mum - I can see how it could for many others.
I think my sister overcompensated with her son because of this. I noticed that she would over indulge him in many ways (he now still lives at home at 27 and doesn't pay anything towards any bills)!
It's a huge shame as he is now a man child.
I can't help thinking this would be different if our own parents had not neglected us (neglect being lack of food, heating as well as any affection).

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