AIBU to ask if you loved your mum

[cherrycrumblecustard]

I know for some that might seem a silly question.

But if you didn't, or couldn't, how does it affect your parenting?

I never used to think it made much difference but I think it does as I almost expect my children not to love me, which is sad in a way.

I just wondered if anyone could help I suppose :)

My mom is alright. I dont feel I love her though.

I never thought about until this post, but I suppose I have just assumed my children wont love me when they pass toddlerhood.

I like hearing from the posters who love(d) their mothers because it gives me hope that my children might feel that way about me.

I did not love my mother, she didn't love hers, and her mother, my grandmother, didn't love her mother. There was generations of mental illness and abandonment there.

I hope that I am doing better than they all did-it's my main goal in life, that my children grow up feeling safe and loved.

I think the saddest thing is where children desperately love their mother but she does not reciprocate in a way they long for. In my experience it's unusual for a child to not love mother even when she is neglectful and abusive because that is the way we are programmed. Where there is an insecure attachment the child is emotionally damaged but it takes a lot for the bond to be broken. Children in care nearly all want to return to their parents even when they acknowledge that their foster parents are giving the care they crave. Unless the child who feels unloved is able to accept her mother does not deserve her love, that a child deserves more then the cycle to perpetuate. It is heartening to read on here how many women have been able to live their own children and put them first in a way that their own mothers could not.

No and yes. Growing up she couldnt cope with all of us and used corporal punishment. As a teen and young woman, I went no/low contact with her as she clearly favoured my twin. i was gutted but my best friend took me under her wing and she taught me a lot.
I dont blame my mum, her mum was horrible to her, but then my Grandmas mum died when she was young so my grandma was brought up by her stepmother who was horrible to her. So I understand where it all comes from. They simply brought up their kids the way their mother taught them. I try very hard to learn from my mums mistakes and am a different mother (tho sometimes I open my mouth and my mum comes out!!)
Walking our dogs brought us together about 10 years ago and we gradually got to know each other again. Now we are friends and have a good loving relationship with mutual respect. She knows she wasnt the best mother but in her words, she did the best she knew at the time. Now she knows better, she tries better. what happened in the past affected me, but I decided not to blame her and had counselling to resolve my issues.
We both make an effort and give each other space and support as needed. We've made peace with the past. Nobodys perfect.
I know I'm lucky, tho it hasnt always felt that way!

No. I spent years looking up to her and trying to make her pleased. But, I was plain and bookish and not pretty enough for pink. At about 23 she told me how she went to the abortionists but couldn't go through with it so married my father and ruined her life.

I never knew how much she didn't love me until I had a child and knew I could never be unkind to him. It broke my heart to find out how she had never felt that degree of love and need to protect.

MNet taught me my mother is a classic narcissist. I am 56. I still hope to please her one day but know I never shall.

I don't think I do. My father emotionally abused me for most of my life and she not only never protected me but often did so herself. There have been so many instances through childhood and beyond when she would stop speaking to me for one non-reason or another, and on occasion went out of her way to humiliate me. Now I'm in my mid thirties we barely see each other, which she acts like she resents me for but never makes an effort, and when I do it just seems like a huge inconvenience to her. She can be a very nasty woman and if she feels slighted in any way will be quite the spiteful and mean little person to try and hurt you as a kind of revenge. I'm going to be telling her I'm pregnant over Christmas. I'm absolutely dreading it - I know she's going to do or say something to spoil the moment. I will never let her have the baby by herself and I think she'll expect it, but instead of questioning why that might be she'll just be a bitch instead.

I'm determined to be entirely different to her with my own baby. I know I will be - I think I'm a warm and loving person and I adore my little one already. The thought of ever treating them the way she treated me makes me shudder with horror. I'm going to try so hard, and I hope they'll grow up to love me and want to have the relationship with me that my mother never seemed to want.

I love my mum but our relationship is sometimes difficult, and when I was an adolescnet it was very fractuist and very stressful for us both. I worry about my relationship with my future children in part because of the swathe of negative experiences I have had with my mum and dad. But I still love them both, and our relationships are improving as we all get older. And I am hopeful I can learn from them??

DH I'm not sure has ever really loved his mum (not unreasonable in teh circumstances) and if he did when he was little he certainly doesn't now and I don't see that improving into the future. He has very little contact with her, and no contact at all with his dad, whom he loved very much but his dad decided to cut all contact with him when he got engaged to me. I do worry about how this will affect him as a parent too but he is the sweetest, kindest person I know and really loves children and we are both enthusiastic about having our own sometime in the future. All we can do really is hope for the best and try our best I guess.

My relationship with my Mum is far closer now I've grown up and can understand her. Forgiveness has played a part - on both sides.

I love my mum to the ends of the earth. She's my rock and I am incredibly fortunate that she had us young and I will hopefully be blessed with many more years of her in my life.

Not really. I was scared of her, wary of her, walked on egg shells around herand her stupid temper and moods, then embarrassed of her.

Now Im ashamed.

Ashamed of her.

I've had to think hard about this question a lot before I posted, which I suppose means that an answer didn't come naturally they way the strong bond of mother & child does. Because of that I think the answer is no & I find that hard to say even though I've suffered terribly at her hands. So now that I can admit I dont love her I can say that I don't like her either but I already knew that.

She was/is no mother, no example & because if this it did have a very negative impugn me especially as a teenager. I looked for love elsewhere.

I try my very best every day to parent the complete opposite from her & often feel emensely guilty about having a career that means my husband is the majority parental figure.

I just hope that I haven't damaged my kids because I am. I have severe depression & anxiety & it can be hard to hide at times.

I did not love my mum, she was a pretty shit parent to be honest. I certainly never felt loved, I'm not saying she never showed love as she was a brilliant nana and very loving, just that I don't remember anything like that from my own childhood. It has made me parent differently. I try very hard to be very different from her, I don't always succeed, but I always strive after any setbacks to try even harder.

I don't think so. She was a vicious, narcissistic, violent drunk. When she died my first feeling was relief, which made me feel incredibly guilty for a long time.

It has affected my parenting, but in a good way. I would hate for my daughter to not feel grief if I died.

I did love my Mum,she passed a few years ago and it was horrendous and I still miss her but there were loads of times I really didn't like my Mum.

My childhood wasn't a good one and neither my Mum or Dad should really have had children,think getting hit all the time for no reason,being called awful things and being told you were a mistake constantly for years.

It has affected my parenting,I always over compensated for my 5DC to make sure that they never went through anything I went through.

I loved my dm but she was distant and reserved. She showed her love by doing the practical stuff but I never felt warmth and comfort from her (she was a great housewife and cook though) She died when I was 17.
I am a lot like her in that I am quiet and reserved (although I am rubbish at the domestic stuff) and have to work quite hard at being demonstrative and tactile with my dc but do it because I know I missed it. I think losing her at 17 has made me much more "serious" about parenting and I try too hard to be perfect.

No, I don't. I live with her at the moment, and I think she is one of the reasons I ended up with poor self-esteem and in an abusive marriage.

She talks to my children like they are nothing but an inconvenience and an irritation and I recently heard her telling a friend how much she hates having us live here (it's temporary, I left my physically abusive husband, and have 3 small children, a horrendous divorce and don't have enough funds to rent).

She loves my sister and sister-in-law and treats them completely differently to me. But I am 42 now, and I just don't care. I do pay my way, so I don't have that on my conscience, and once the divorce is over I'll sort myself out, I'll leave, and we will live without her. I'll continue to see my dad who is lovely, but will actively try to fizzle things out with my mum. Life is too short to have people like that to take up headspace.

She is a shining example of how not to parent, and I am totally the opposite with my children. I show them love all of the time, I make time for them, I speak to them and let them confide in me. I want them to grow up loving their mum.

I loved her as a child, but not as an adult.
I'm so petrified that I'll be a terrible mother like her that even though I know I'm infertile and I'm married to the most wonderful man in the universe, I've never attempted IVF.

I don't know. So I guess the answer is no. I sometimes tell her that I love her, but I think more either to appease her or because some part of me is still so desperate to be loved back.

The dynamic is very dysfunctional and recently it's been too much for me to handle. Somewhat improved by reducing contact, but am still at the grieving the parents I didn't have stage. Will be having to put my foot down over their suggested plans for Christmas tomorrow and I'm dreading it, because it will be a barrage of guilt and emotional blackmail and bullshit.

Ultimately I think maybe I would love my mum very much if I was 250 miles away from her and could have the "oh it'd be nice if mum was here" thoughts, rather than the reality that actually is the relationship.

And that makes me so sad.

I get terrified of DC feeling the same way. I've parented very differently for that reason. I will never hit, I will never threaten, I will never leave, I will never hurt them physically or emotionally with the purpose being to wound.

And yet if you spoke to some of the people who know my mum, they would sing you songs of praise about how wonderful she is and how much they adore her. I have developed a forced smile for when I have to endure that.

I'm still very bitter about what my parents put me through, and continue to do.

No, I don't think I love her, certainly not in a healthy way, and I don't think she knows how to love me.

I loved her as a child and would have done anything to make her love me.
It was only once I had my own children that I started to realise how horrible she'd been and how much I needed to shield my children from her.
I care for and about her but I can't love her.

I'm glad my first child was a boy though, I would definitely have overthought and struggled with parenting a pfbdd!

I don't love my mother, I find it hard to even call her mum as it's such an affectionate word. She has never told me she loves me, no affection towards me, I used to think it was odd hearing parents say love you didn't realise for a long time it was my life that was odd. She's cut me off so many times as I'm not the child she wanted. The first occasion was my school prom she didn't want me to go, didn't talk to me for 3 months. She stopped talking to me for four years when I decided to go to university, I should have got a job. It's been six years since we last spoke as I stood up for myself and too much has happened in that time for me to forgive her. She destroyed my self confidence, if my own mother didn't like me let alone love me I must have been a failure

I'm terrified I will turn into her and I think it's a big reason we haven't had children yet. I know if I had a child she would try getting back into my life to take control of me as she loves babies but I can't deal with that. I been wondering how I feel if she died and I'm sad to say I think I'd be relieved that she couldn't hurt me anymore

Another one who has had to think about this. I don't know is the answer. I don't think that I felt loved as I was growing up, and was convinced as a young adult that no one would ever love me.
It has effected my parenting as I ensure that I tell my children that I love them, I praise them and try really hard not to make them feel small, stupid and ugly.
Conversely, it makes the negative parts of parenting difficult; how to tell them I don't like what they are doing without feeling I'm being over critical, and echoing my mother.

On the other hand when she was ill, I was was there in a shot, but I don't get upset about the prospect of losing her.

My mother was neglectful and I can't look after her now she is getting old. I had counseling when I had my ds because I found her lack of interest in my ds so difficult I think it brought a lot back.

I love being his mum, I have the love of a good man and he is a fantastic father. DHs friends are all quite wealthy but I wouldn't swap lives with any of them. Like everyone I'm busy and work long hours. My ds isn't always at the front of my brain but my whole heart is full of him.

My parents talk a good game and have pictures everywhere. There is no substance, it's all for show. We don't live very far away, yet they haven't seen him in a year. Excuse after excuse if we ask to visit, ask them here or arrange to meet.

You can miss what you've never had. I knew there was something wrong when I was little and could see other mums were different. My parents, especially my mum haven't been made properly. Their loss.

No, I neither like nor love her, I tollerate her from afar but she does not love nor like me either, and I'm pretty sure she never has.

I used to love her, it took until I was about 30 for me to stop attempting to seek her approval and love which never happened.

It has impacted on my parenting hugely and one hopes that is a good thing. I actively parent in a different way to her and my children tell me they love me and every day I strive to be worthy of their love

A little, with great difficulty. She left me with a violent, abusive alcoholic father when I was a child. She knew, and chose to save herself. She regularly rewrites my childhood/denies it, and has never shown any love or affection to me.

I love my children to bits, have done from the start, no question, and they love me back. It makes me cross that there's an assumption that a shit childhood = shit parenting. I knew how to be a good, loving parent despite the lack of a positive role model. It's difficult maintaining a relationship with her but I try.