Christmas table controversy

[Tabbylady]

We always spend christmas with my parents. Me and DH, our 2 DSs, Dsis and her family and DB and his. There are big age gaps between us siblings and therefore the cousins.

Since kids came on the scene they've been at a separate "kids" table for reasons of space and my parents being OTT about "mess" (plastic tablecloths, no alcohol, kids crackers etc)

My sister's daughter is much older than the other kids and has selflessly put up with this for years and we've always had a little private joke about how silly it is. She's nearly 22. This year, my DB (aged 40) split with his long term partner and is planning on bringing his new girlfriend, aged 25...

My DN was a bit about all this, being quite close with DB, but has lost the plot about the ongoing table arrangements. I think she's probably projecting anger about other stuff onto this situation (loss of DBs partner who we all liked etc) but she is threatening not to come if new GF gets "treated like a grown up" while she's subjected to a boozeless christmas dinner with the little ones.

I am actually quite supportive of her- there must be a more inclusive way to do it all- and have said so to DPs who are having none of it. This silly thing is threatening a bit of a rift- me, DH, DSis and BIL and DN all on same side with the rest of them on the other. Suspect DBs new GF has no clue.

AIBU to support my DN in this admittedly a bit silly fuss? How would you resolve it?

How depressing that email is now retro...

I would give lovely 22 year old DN her own bottle of prosecco and leave her to it.

[sgrin] arriving late to the party here- OP you are doing the right thing but you are super brave doing it the week before Christmas!

I predict a big row and tears tomorrow. Then I bet you'll end up hosting Dsis and DNs while your DB and your Dparents sulk together on Christmas Day.

I really, really love this thread. Just when I've convinced myself that my own family and in-laws are batshitcrazy, someone else comes along to trump them!

Please PLEASE keep this thread updated, OP. Naturally I hope everything is resolved without hurt or bad feelings, but I now need to know how things pan out. Public service, and all that.

Never have I been more relieved to be having a very pared-back Christmas this year with just DH and two DSs round our table.

Brave move! Brace yourself for tears and tantrums. Stay strong and enjoy your Christmas when it comes.

How can your mum complain that one hour is too far for her to travel but it's fine for you!

Can't wait to see how this one pans out. What does your sister thik about it all- I'm surprised she's not fighting her daughter's corner really.

Ooooo it just got interesting

Good luck!

i think uve done the right thing.
when we have big family get together see have a 'kids' table, but with 18 cousins spanning just 4 years we wouldn't have it any other way. still. at 28-32!
however it's very different if there's one cousin much older than the rest.

Currently drinking champagne and just toasted you/your DH. Well done! Can't wait to hear the rest of the replies

I dont think they are infatilising her.

If they are OTT re mess do they just put her there to supervise the actual children.

Blatantly placemarking.

Fair dues OP and to your dh too.

What is it about christmas that turns some mothers ( not us lot on here obviously) in to freaking nutcases?

The Christmas showdown with my own one is still going on since last year.

I just repeat no and ignore further attempts at emotional blackmail at this stage.

I am so place marking! Your dm is gong to gave a meltdown having Christmas at hers cancelled at this late stage!

I would feel picked on if I were your niece.

Please do update, OP, on email responses and Xmas itself.

Brilliant! Yes week before was risky but also gives less time for sulking and lobbying family members to reinstate original
Plans.

Love what you're doing. It's ridiculous that the 22 year old has had to put up with this for so long, and 14 is too old for the kids table too -- maybe by doing this now you'll save the 14 year old from 8 more years at the kids table!

Mr Tabby is ace. I'm not place-marking at all

I hope there are not too many histrionics. Your poor lovely DN. She deserves 2 bottles of prosecco all to herself!

I'm loving this brilliantly atypical thread, where OP has laid out a standard (for MN) bonkers family Xmas and then only gone and bloody well solved it in a rational grown up fashion!
Well done OP (or rather MrOP!), well done.

Whatever the fallout tomorrow, you're sure to have a great Xmas at your house, the change was long overdue.

Shamelessly placemarking

I feel bad for the DB's Ex, though. What will she be doing all day?

OOOCH, replied earlier, and just seen the update.
Can see the jaws dropping and the dummies being thrown out of the pram from here!
Seriously, though, that's a lovely compromise from where I'm sitting. With it being only a week until Christmas, you've taken on board that they might have ordered food and offered to have it all at your place if that's the case.
Not only should everyone be happy, including your child adult neice--, you all have a lovely Christmas dinner!
Seems the best solution all round for anyone reasonable.

Hope it is all going to work out.

(the 22 year old needs a medal!)

I dont think they are infatilising her.If they are OTT re mess do they just put her there to supervise the actual children.

If it really is only due to being OTT re mess and wanting a babysitter to supervise whilst they can laugh and quaff booze at their table with the other grown ups, then why are they not taking it in turns every year?!
Seeing as the niece has been at that table for years despite being an adult too.
Bit harsh (or tight as kidz apparently say now!)
Much more likely their head hasn't comprehended she's now an adult too and the mindset hasn't adjusted.

Ooo this thread moved on since I first commented! Love the email, looking forward to hearing how it all turns out, hopefully you mum will be glad of the break and everything will resolve peacefully!

We use to have a kids table years and years ago when my brothers kids were quite small (under 5) as they were all about the same age, it was easier that way and it saved my mum having panic attacks over spilt gravy etc by the little ones. We just put the table onto the end of the adult table so it's not like we were all separated.

However we abolished the 'kids table' when they got to about school age.