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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas table controversy

463 replies

Tabbylady · 18/12/2016 17:47

We always spend christmas with my parents. Me and DH, our 2 DSs, Dsis and her family and DB and his. There are big age gaps between us siblings and therefore the cousins.

Since kids came on the scene they've been at a separate "kids" table for reasons of space and my parents being OTT about "mess" (plastic tablecloths, no alcohol, kids crackers etc)

My sister's daughter is much older than the other kids and has selflessly put up with this for years and we've always had a little private joke about how silly it is. She's nearly 22. This year, my DB (aged 40) split with his long term partner and is planning on bringing his new girlfriend, aged 25...

My DN was a bit Xmas Shock about all this, being quite close with DB, but has lost the plot about the ongoing table arrangements. I think she's probably projecting anger about other stuff onto this situation (loss of DBs partner who we all liked etc) but she is threatening not to come if new GF gets "treated like a grown up" while she's subjected to a boozeless christmas dinner with the little ones.

I am actually quite supportive of her- there must be a more inclusive way to do it all- and have said so to DPs who are having none of it. This silly thing is threatening a bit of a rift- me, DH, DSis and BIL and DN all on same side with the rest of them on the other. Suspect DBs new GF has no clue.

AIBU to support my DN in this admittedly a bit silly fuss? How would you resolve it?

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 18/12/2016 20:25

Be brave. If this is the first year your brother has split up with his long term dp and has a new dp, then this is the year everything will be different anyway.

Go on, call your sister and make the plans.

NoCapes · 18/12/2016 20:28

This is bizarre
At 22 I had two children! Would I have been put at the children's table?

I also don't get the idea of an adults table and children's table at all, surely Christmas is about all being together and enjoying each other's company? Not sitting at different tables Confused

Some of the best Christmases we've had have been about 16 people sat around wallpaper pasting tables (with tablecloths on obviously) all at different heights because some people had to bring their own chairs, young and old all sat together wearing paper hats and just having a laugh
Your Christmases sound awkward and dull
Maybe time to start having your own, more relaxed affair

SENPARENT · 18/12/2016 20:29

What I really want to do is have my family, Dsis and her family and DBs ex (with or without the kids) - imagine the fireworks though..
Just do it.

Just do it and tell your mother why - you want to sit with your kids for dinner, you want to be with your cats, DN wants to be treated as an adult and you both want DBs ex, none of which is possible at her house.

Controlling DM will still get to have dinner with her favourite child.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/12/2016 20:37

In my mum's family you 'graduated' to the 'big table' around aged 14 or so. The last 5 of us (all very close in age) hung on to the 'kid's table' for a couple more years just because we always had so much fun and could talk about whatever we wanted to (i.e. tell dirty jokes and what parties were happening where) without any 'grownups' overhearing.

Your poor niece, though. If nothing else, one of the parents of the younger children should sit at the kid's table and mind their own kids! It's not DN's job.

Pumpkintopf · 18/12/2016 20:39

Definitely think if you have the space for everyone to sit together you should put your foot down and host. Your mum will just have to get used to the idea that things move on and an hours travel isn't unreasonable particularly as you'd have had to do it in reverse!

annandale · 18/12/2016 20:40

TBH it sounds like the fun Christmas is going to be at your DB's ex's house Grin I'm sure she is sad to have broken up with your DB but I bet her own Christmas is a frigging HUGE silver lining

I would definitely break ranks and do your own, and invite your dps.

TheProblemOfSusan · 18/12/2016 20:46

Chiming in to add to all the pps who've already pointed out that from the outside, this is completely batshit. It seems that your mother is a very difficult woman but for the sake of your niece - and actually I think also her 14 year old sibling - you and your sister need to put a stop to this.

FWIW, I reckon both of you together say to your mum ASAP that either she mixes the tables up, age wise, or moves the two older "children" of 22 and 14 onto the adult table, or you and Dsis are going to do dinner at yours. It's absolutely unfair on teenagers and adults to be stuck on the baby table and they simply must do it differently.

Ooh, or what about a buffet and no seating plan?

Idontbelievethelies · 18/12/2016 20:48

Surely you sit together in family groups? Parents with the appropriate kids. If your mother is hell bent in being so bat shit crazy then I agree with pp that you do xmas lunch at your house and go them for a buffet tea where no one has to sit at a children's table.

Your mum is not in charge of you all now. If she can't treat your dn as an adult then she can't host.
Good luck OP!

NoCapes · 18/12/2016 20:51

Don't any of you actually want to have Christmas dinner with your children?
I just couldn't imagine not ever sitting with my kids for Christmas dinner, pulling crackers with them and enjoying the time together??
Christmas dinner is such a hiuge part of the day, is want to be with my kids Confused

YorkiesGlasses · 18/12/2016 20:53

If you do end up falling in line with the status quo this year, do at least make a point of passing your DN a glass of wine!

HunterHearstHelmsley · 18/12/2016 21:12

Wow! We've been complaining about sitting on the floor at my parents' house!!

"I'm older now then you were when I had to sit on the floor because you were a grown up.. I'm having a chair!"

RandomMess · 18/12/2016 21:44

Just invite your DSIS and EX (?) SIL, solve the problem and enjoy yourself for once.

hippyhippyshake · 18/12/2016 21:45

Either the tables fit together in the bigger space or you bring another table from home for a better fit. Everyone eats together! Present a united sibling front and organise the tables yourselves. If your parents don't agree, don't go. They are living in the past. As others have said, with a new guest it's the perfect time to make changes.

Original poster
Tabbylady · 18/12/2016 22:41

Thank you all for confirming how deranged my mother is.

I have copped out slightly and after a glass of wine and discussion with DH (who has largely put up with her due to wanting DSs to have some sort of GP relationship as his own mum is mainly turning herself into a leather handbag in the tropics and his dad is dead)...

He has decided/been peer pressured into doing something and has emailed the lot of them, all those old enough to have email addresses so the 14 yr old DN too, and DBs XP with message from both of us saying:

  • we love the family christmas but things will be different this year what with DBs children not being there the whole day anyway
  • DPs have catered for so long that it's only fair to give them a break
  • Now we have so many adults (took the point re 14yo DN too- she'll be delighted to be deemed a grown up!) as well as growing little ones that we really just need more space
  • this is the first year we've had the cats and we're worried about leaving them for so long (ha, cop out there)
  • we (immediate family) are going to therefore have the bulk of the day inc dinner at home and anyone who wants to join us is very welcome for some/all/none as per preference. If DPs would still like us to pop round in the evening that would be nice but they are very welcome here and we will even sort it so they can stay (there's no chance of that- my house will no way be clean enough for mum)
  • we appreciate at this point that DM may well have ordered/organised food for big numbers so if all are coming round ours, we'd be happy to help collect any orders and we can all cook exactly what DM had planned together at our house (all the adults usually chip in money-wise for dinner)

I now get to sit and await the replies and/or frantic phone call from DM Grin

OP posts:
Auntpodder · 18/12/2016 22:48

gets popcorn

(but a really sensible solution although DN roping in lecherous lecturer would have been brilliant... )

Biffsboys · 18/12/2016 22:49

Oh I'm waiting in anticipation for the replies to this !!

EmpressoftheMundane · 18/12/2016 22:53

I think you and your DH have offered an elegant and graceful solution to all this. Let's hope it is accepted in the lovely spirit in which it has been offered!

midcenturymodern · 18/12/2016 22:55

I'm on the edge of my seat.

Pre dcs DH and I used to host all siblings and parents but then the siblings started getting partners and then we were collectively giving birth at the rate of more than one a year and it got silly. We are normal so we started having smaller groups in more houses. We didn't make anyone sit on a bean bag in a coal shed and strop if they objected.

HemanOrSheRa · 18/12/2016 22:58

Nicely done MrTabby! Surely, only the most unreasonable person can object to this Xmas Grin?

SpikeWithoutASoul · 18/12/2016 23:00

That's a perfect solution. Nicely handled!

Isadora2007 · 18/12/2016 23:06

Ooooh I can't wait to see the replies... nicely worded though.

Is the ex wife of your brother invited? And the girlfriend???

Original poster
Tabbylady · 18/12/2016 23:10

Only responses so far from DNs...

22: YES YES YES. Will there be prosecco?

14: Phone made a weird noise. Haha email. How retro. Yes. Can she still come even if mum doesn't? Is she allowed the mulled wine?

I paraphrase.

Fledgling alcohol issues aside at least will have the ones I actually like lovely nieces there, fingers crossed.

Unlikely to hear from DM til morning. Gulp.

OP posts:
Knittedfrog · 18/12/2016 23:17

Really glad the DNs are up for it. Sorry tabby but I may just love your husband a tiny bit for sending that email, mine would have left it all to me to sort! Also love both DNs responses!

blowmybarnacles · 18/12/2016 23:18

buy a picnic table to extend the current one and have the whole family sat together?

YANBU - but have been, and so has your whole family , BU for allowing it for so long

Blondeshavemorefun · 18/12/2016 23:20

Poor dn. kids table and no booze

Your email suggestion sounds good

Waits for reply :)