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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas table controversy

463 replies

Tabbylady · 18/12/2016 17:47

We always spend christmas with my parents. Me and DH, our 2 DSs, Dsis and her family and DB and his. There are big age gaps between us siblings and therefore the cousins.

Since kids came on the scene they've been at a separate "kids" table for reasons of space and my parents being OTT about "mess" (plastic tablecloths, no alcohol, kids crackers etc)

My sister's daughter is much older than the other kids and has selflessly put up with this for years and we've always had a little private joke about how silly it is. She's nearly 22. This year, my DB (aged 40) split with his long term partner and is planning on bringing his new girlfriend, aged 25...

My DN was a bit Xmas Shock about all this, being quite close with DB, but has lost the plot about the ongoing table arrangements. I think she's probably projecting anger about other stuff onto this situation (loss of DBs partner who we all liked etc) but she is threatening not to come if new GF gets "treated like a grown up" while she's subjected to a boozeless christmas dinner with the little ones.

I am actually quite supportive of her- there must be a more inclusive way to do it all- and have said so to DPs who are having none of it. This silly thing is threatening a bit of a rift- me, DH, DSis and BIL and DN all on same side with the rest of them on the other. Suspect DBs new GF has no clue.

AIBU to support my DN in this admittedly a bit silly fuss? How would you resolve it?

OP posts:
ImtheChristmasCarcass · 19/12/2016 03:33

Good for the two DNs!

Just let your mother toss her toys. If everyone (or the majority) like your idea she'll have to go along or look like a bit of a spoilt brat.

ChristmasEvePJs · 19/12/2016 06:05

I am waiting with baited breath for you!

SouthWindsWesterly · 19/12/2016 06:34

You've just made your necessary Christmas. And also she knows how her aunt, uncle and mum have her back - I would have been so chuffed to find my family had my back in the face of family batshitness.

Rhubardandcustard · 19/12/2016 06:52

I hated this as a kid. I don't get it, it's family time, swore never to go to someone who invited me and had seperate tables for children. If there has to be two tables because of space then draw lots to see who sits where. Sitting kids at kids table seems a bit Victorian kids should be seen and not heard attitude.

Original poster
Tabbylady · 19/12/2016 07:19

DSis and BIL: this is ideal, but what will mum say? They might have presents at home with kids, go round mum's for dinner then come to us- depending on what mum says... not sure if they've spoken to DNs who are probably still asleep

DB XP- pleased to be invited but is having dinner with own parents who have come to stay. If we are at home she would like to come by in the evening - as long as DB and child-bride new GF aren't there.

Nothing yet from mum or DB. If they refuse to decamp to ours this is worst scenario as I was trying to be helpful to mum re the cooking / ordering business. (Saying that, she has a horrible habit of feverishly running around the supermarket at 4pm on the 23rd so fingers crossed she's not bought much except the turkey)

NB: parents live an hour from us and the siblings are all within 20min of each other, we live furthest from parents though.

bites nails

OP posts:
TheProblemOfSusan · 19/12/2016 07:21

Well done Tabbylady and Mr Tabbylady!

What a really excellent email, let's hope it gets just the ones you want at yours! Suspect your mum is going to end up with a giant turkey she won't have enough people for...

GingerIvy · 19/12/2016 07:37

Not only did we have the ridiculous kids table but when an adult had to sit with the kids it was always always the mum, never the dad. Irritating.

rollonthesummer · 19/12/2016 07:44

DSis and BIL: this is ideal, but what will mum say? They might have presents at home with kids, go round mum's for dinner then come to us- depending on what mum says... not sure if they've spoken to DNs who are probably still asleep

This would be a proper crap solution if they do this as they would presumably take their daughters with them?! The daughters that you are rearranging dinner for so that they don't have to sit at a kiddy table!?

Does your sister have form for pleasing your mum at the expense of her own kids' happiness? You might end up with them all at your mums, loaded off with you for not coming and still no improvement for your prosecco-deprived niece!

Dagnabit · 19/12/2016 07:54

Oh no....dn is still going to be stuck in the conservatory, isn't she?! Your dsis sounds like she's wimping out and actually facilitating your dm's behaviour!

Laiste · 19/12/2016 07:59

The 22 year old niece accepted the invite to OPs last night didn't she?

''Tabbylady Sun 18-Dec-16 23:10:05 - Only responses so far from DNs... 22: YES YES YES. Will there be prosecco?

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 19/12/2016 08:16

And the 14 year old wanted to accept even if her parents didn't.

SnugglySnerd · 19/12/2016 08:23

Pleased to get up this morning and read updates. Well done to you both for coming up with a solution and sending that brilliant email, I hope it works out for you all.

HaveNoSocks · 19/12/2016 08:23

Awww good for you and your DN! I still remember going to a relation's house when I was 18 and being put on the kids table. We were given burgers and the "adults" had steak. Fair enough you're not going to give steak to a toddler but at 18 I think I could have managed it!

RoseGoldHippie · 19/12/2016 08:25

When we all get together, we all still have the 'kids' table.

Fortunately we are all well over 18 it's just a joke as there are no actual children in the family at the moment. luckily the wine is still flowing on both!

You need to stand up for DN, non booze at Christmas for an adult woman who wants some is really off!

ineedaholidaynow · 19/12/2016 08:30

If eldest DN has said yes to you, would she still be able to come to you if your sister goes to your DM's? She is an adult now and can make her own decisions, but I assume that would make things very awkward between you and your Dsis

Supermagicsmile · 19/12/2016 08:31

Well done op! :)

ineedaholidaynow · 19/12/2016 08:35

Going slightly off the point, I know you said your MIL has her own plans at Christmas but have your siblings always gone to your parents for Christmas, have they never gone to their ILs? Has your DM always hosted?

Minesril · 19/12/2016 08:43

Ageism aside, when she gets married possibly to her lecturer I really hope she has an old-person's table. They can sit with the leather handbag!

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 19/12/2016 08:43

I think the 14 year old is going to be very pissed off if her sister gets to go to you and she has to head up the children's table.

ReggaeShark · 19/12/2016 08:48

Oh dear. I think you should have got together with your DSus before trying to change things unilaterally. You can't really sort things for your neices. They themselves or their parents need to do that. But you can refuse to condone your mother's nonsense, by having lunch at home.

rollonthesummer · 19/12/2016 08:52

If your oldest wants to come to you but the parents choose to go to your parents as normal (with the 14 year old presumably having to go with her parents), you've caused a bit of a family rift! I would have spoken to your sister first I think, before sending out emails. It looks a bit like you're stirring up trouble otherwise!

SenoritaViva · 19/12/2016 08:56

Your sister should speak to her kids about their wishes, her solution is rubbish!

SouthWindsWesterly · 19/12/2016 08:58

Do you parents not have a car in which to transport the children's presents? Seeing as they're about an hour away....

winewolfhowls · 19/12/2016 09:01

Great email op. Even if your mum is a pain I do feel a teensy bit sorry for her changing the plans with only a few days to go.
Your dn sounds lovely.

Lovewineandchocs · 19/12/2016 09:06

Crossing fingers that your DNs stand up for themselves and come to yours. Your DSis sounds really afraid of upsetting your mum though-is she always like this?