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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas table controversy

463 replies

Tabbylady · 18/12/2016 17:47

We always spend christmas with my parents. Me and DH, our 2 DSs, Dsis and her family and DB and his. There are big age gaps between us siblings and therefore the cousins.

Since kids came on the scene they've been at a separate "kids" table for reasons of space and my parents being OTT about "mess" (plastic tablecloths, no alcohol, kids crackers etc)

My sister's daughter is much older than the other kids and has selflessly put up with this for years and we've always had a little private joke about how silly it is. She's nearly 22. This year, my DB (aged 40) split with his long term partner and is planning on bringing his new girlfriend, aged 25...

My DN was a bit Xmas Shock about all this, being quite close with DB, but has lost the plot about the ongoing table arrangements. I think she's probably projecting anger about other stuff onto this situation (loss of DBs partner who we all liked etc) but she is threatening not to come if new GF gets "treated like a grown up" while she's subjected to a boozeless christmas dinner with the little ones.

I am actually quite supportive of her- there must be a more inclusive way to do it all- and have said so to DPs who are having none of it. This silly thing is threatening a bit of a rift- me, DH, DSis and BIL and DN all on same side with the rest of them on the other. Suspect DBs new GF has no clue.

AIBU to support my DN in this admittedly a bit silly fuss? How would you resolve it?

OP posts:
GoLiveInTheHouseOfDavid · 18/12/2016 19:42

At 22 I had been married for 5 years and had three children . I'd be unimpressed if grandparents treat me like a child . I don't understand why the rest of the family have let it go on so long

melj1213 · 18/12/2016 19:43

Separating children is horrible.

If it's Christmas dinner in a family home, then I kind of agree but I don't necessarily agree in every situation. My family doesn't do kid tables generally but for my grandparents Golden Wedding we had a big party at a country house involving a sit down dinner, speeches etc and we had a kid table, it was situated near a door to the gardens, had a "colouring in" tablecloth, loads of crayons and coloured pencils, quiet toys, specific kids menu etc to keep them amused. I volunteered to sit with them to supervise them all so parents could enjoy their meal witout having to attend to their kids but knowing they were being watched by someone they knew.

It was great, the kids loved sitting with their cousins and playing games together, if they got bored or restless they could go outside and run around in the enclosed garden without disturbing other guests (and still be supervised as there was a giant bay window to watch them through) and everyone got to have a great time.

seven201 · 18/12/2016 19:43

Your poor niece! Good for you for standing up for her. I have no advice though but good luck

CancellyMcChequeface · 18/12/2016 19:47

Adult table, kids table is vile.

Agreed. It's humiliating to make a 14-year-old sit at a separate table if the initial rationale was that they might make a mess while eating. Let alone a 22-year-old! I don't understand why anyone would decide to bring the family together for Christmas and then enforce this kind of separation.

One of my aunts used to have a rule that 'children are not allowed in the kitchen.' It was a large kitchen and there were usually a few people sitting at the table chatting or helping her cook Sunday dinner. Maybe it made sense when we were all under 10 and might not have understood that we couldn't be the centre of attention. When she was still insisting on it when I was 14/15? I stopped wanting to visit, because I felt as if she didn't want my company. It was embarrassing. I'm very surprised the 22-year-old in this scenario hasn't made alternate arrangements yet!

Patriciathestripper1 · 18/12/2016 19:52

Dn and Gf are nearly the same age! Bet they don't sit the new Gf At the kids table.
I'd suggest xmas at yours unless room is made for Dn.

DinosaursRoar · 18/12/2016 19:54

At some point, your mum will have to stop hosting, she doesn't ahve enough space for all the adults in the family now, your other DN's will be at adult age soon enough, at 22 it's reasonable to expect DN to have a partner to join you soon, so the adults and kids tables set up no longer works.

So at some point you'll have to upset your Mum with change, why not this year? Get your sister on side. If you do the compromise of all going to your Mum's for the evening, that might help ease her into change if she really doesn't want to come to yours, and you've all been there for part of the day. Next year, you could completely stay at yours.

shillwheeler · 18/12/2016 19:55

YANBU. I think your niece has been amazing to put up with the arrangement this long. Hosting yourself or making alternative arrangements if you can sound like a good idea. I hope it all works out, the thought of being 22 and stranded with no drink on a kids' table sounds like the makings of a pretty miserable Christmas. And being caught in the cross-fire doesn't sound that great either.

WonderMike · 18/12/2016 19:57

I live the idea of your niece bringing her newly aquire 40 year old boyfriend along Grin

AnnaBegins · 18/12/2016 19:57

Blimey! We graduated from the kids table at 13! I would suggest that the 22 and 14 yr olds move up this year and then implement a 13 cut off. If the table is too small why not swap so the adults eat in the conservatory? Poor girl. She seems to be taking it really well.

SabineUndine · 18/12/2016 20:00

FFS! She should have been found a place on the adults' table when she reached her teens! I'm not surprised she's fed up.

Someone is going to have to tell your parents to wake up to the fact that she's an adult.

DartmoorDoughnut · 18/12/2016 20:02

Glad you're all on her side, stand firm!!

Namechangebitch · 18/12/2016 20:03

What about an ' old peoples' table, they sometimes eat funny too.

Everyone 80 or over sits separately.

MrsBlennerhassett · 18/12/2016 20:06

I think you should host.
Your poor DN you are totally right to be on her side this sounds like a horrendous set up!!

OCSockOrphanage · 18/12/2016 20:08

How are children supposed to make the transition if they are not allowed into the adult table during their teens? Or is their job to baby sit?

corythatwas · 18/12/2016 20:09

If any adult has to sit at the children's table for reasons of space, surely it should be one of the parents of the children in question, not some innocent cousin?

Hassled · 18/12/2016 20:09

I think Seneca's suggestion of intermingling all of the adults/children/22-year-olds is a really good one. That would sort the problem - although obviously you'd have to cover all floors in plastic sheeting because you'd be spreading the risk of food spillage.

SENPARENT · 18/12/2016 20:09

Your mother is completely barking. I cannot believe you have all let poor DN be treated like this for so long.
Tell DM things need to change this year and either put DN on the adult table or mix adults and children up on both tables.If she won't budge have Christmas at yours with DSis and her family and your brother's ex partner with plenty of booze.

Your mother needs to get real and stop being such a control freak.

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 18/12/2016 20:10

We've never had a kids table. Our family enjoys the relaxed mix of all ages for special meals, and Christmas has never been an exception. We just shoved a couple of tables together and mixed people up around the table.

OP, I agree with pp that it's time to shake it all up. At 22, DN is going to have a partner she wants to bring, sooner or later, and it sounds very much like your parents don't really have the room for everyone now, if the kids table goes into a separate room.

Crumbs1 · 18/12/2016 20:10

We don't within immediate family and children join us at supper parties, if home but.....at large village gatherings we have a children's table that goes from 15 to 26 years. Plenty of booze, its just carried on from when they were all little. There are about 16 of them and their table tends to be more riotous than ours.

Original poster
Tabbylady · 18/12/2016 20:10

Told DN the suggestion of finding a 40yo boyfriend. She finds this hilarious and suggests she brings her lecherous lecturer. Teehee.

Sadly DH just has his mum who likes to go on a cruise for christmas so escaping to in-laws isn't an option! (though maybe we should go on a cruise too??)

I need to get this sorted sharpish, don't I, given it's a week til christmas...? DSis would definitely like to host but she really doesn't have the space so it's me or try and sort things at mum's.

What I really want to do is have my family, Dsis and her family and DBs ex (with or without the kids) - imagine the fireworks though. And to whoever was asking, the 25yo wasn't the OW. She did swoop in within weeks though. Hmm

OP posts:
youarenotkiddingme · 18/12/2016 20:12

I'm surprised it's taken DN 4 years to speak up.

Encourage her to drink alcohol from a plastic cup - maybe a tommee tippee!

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 18/12/2016 20:17

Your niece should say she is bringing a 40 year old boyfriend along Grin

TheTantrumCometh · 18/12/2016 20:18

I have nothing of value to add to bizarre-ness but I absolutely need to find out how this all goes down Grin

MorrisZapp · 18/12/2016 20:18

I don't understand why you're at the centre of this issue. Isn't it between your neice, your sister and your mum? What problem do you have to solve?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 18/12/2016 20:22

Your DN sounds absolutely lovely and of course you should support her.

But I can't be the only one absolutely hanging out for the thread from the new Gf on Boxing Day: I went to my new partner's parents for Christmas lunch and they made me sit on the kids table. Ok, there's an age difference between us, but AIBU if I refuse to go back for New Year's Eve? They didn't even give me any booze!