Christmas table controversy

[Tabbylady]

We always spend christmas with my parents. Me and DH, our 2 DSs, Dsis and her family and DB and his. There are big age gaps between us siblings and therefore the cousins.

Since kids came on the scene they've been at a separate "kids" table for reasons of space and my parents being OTT about "mess" (plastic tablecloths, no alcohol, kids crackers etc)

My sister's daughter is much older than the other kids and has selflessly put up with this for years and we've always had a little private joke about how silly it is. She's nearly 22. This year, my DB (aged 40) split with his long term partner and is planning on bringing his new girlfriend, aged 25...

My DN was a bit about all this, being quite close with DB, but has lost the plot about the ongoing table arrangements. I think she's probably projecting anger about other stuff onto this situation (loss of DBs partner who we all liked etc) but she is threatening not to come if new GF gets "treated like a grown up" while she's subjected to a boozeless christmas dinner with the little ones.

I am actually quite supportive of her- there must be a more inclusive way to do it all- and have said so to DPs who are having none of it. This silly thing is threatening a bit of a rift- me, DH, DSis and BIL and DN all on same side with the rest of them on the other. Suspect DBs new GF has no clue.

AIBU to support my DN in this admittedly a bit silly fuss? How would you resolve it?

Ooh, I find myself so torn on this thread. If it were still November I would be 100% team OP all the way, but at this point I think it is a bit mean to suddenly announce that you're changing the plans like this. I think OP's mum sounds completely nuts and utterly unreasonable (and I feel very sorry for the niece), but I also think she's probably legitimately hurt at the moment, since I think she might feel (and I would too, if I were her) that this is a big criticism of an event that she's been hosting for years and years. As I say, torn!

I actually think you've been a bit brutal so close to Christmas and if dsis decides they're spending Christmas at your mum's it's all for naught really, isn't it? I'm guessing your dn won't come to yours without her family...

However:

If we are at home she would like to come by in the evening - as long as DB andchild-bridenew GF aren't there.

You're being nasty about this woman for no good reason and sounds like you're looking forward to getting rid of her so you can have your brother's ex over.

Has she done anything to deserve such treatment?

This thread is epic, better than telly!

Just mix up the table. Dont have to be brutal to DM, just laugh and say DN is (well and truly) old enough to sit with grown ups. Actually really wants to sit with grown ups. It can take a while to readjust the focus of how old people actually are. When my DDad was giving me advice about driving / parking / overtaking I had to point out that I had held a driving licence for over 30 years... his mouth nearly dropped open. Think he still thought I was about 28... !

OP, I think you ar ebeing epic.
You post with the picture was one of the funniest things I have seen in a long time.
You seem to be handling mum well, getting her on side.

Hope it all works out.

Father, the font of all power has been consulted. He "is being difficult" - read going with the majority.

While mixing up tables at hers is more straightforward she is literally not having any of it. The GCs have never been allowed to sit at her fancy mahogany dining table (cloths notwithstanding) so it would end up DN swapping with one of the other adults.

Yes. As a child I too was not allowed at the mahogany table.

DSis has now consulted the rest of her family and wants to come to us if we can't mix up all the tables. I've met the new GF once (she seems nice actually, just obviously I know and love ex P very well) and according to DB even she wants to come. She has no family in the UK and hasn't met the parents before.

According to DM: "well it's your house if you want chaos at christmas"

Yes. Yes in fact I do.

We shall see...

Ps OhBigHairyBollocks in the litter tray bit. I have a deranged neighbour who is afraid of my cats. changes username to "surrounded by maniacs"

YANBU. Shouldn't the oldest adults sit with the kids - their livers aren't what they used to be!

Oh blimey Tabby. So are you going to stick to your guns and go for it? Clearly your Mum won't/can't tolerant the mixing up of tables.

Her mahogany table means more to her than her family, even if it means she'll be setting it for two on Christmas Day?

😂😂😂 The crackers have been ordered from Betterware, I'm howling at this thread. God forbid I don't do Christmas day at my parents with my Dsis and her family like we've done every Christmas and every bloody Friday too.

We always had a kids table and when l finally got promoted to the adults one aged 30 l decided the kids one was much more fun and went back to it!! But totally understand DN not wanting to sit there

We had a kids table for years and although we now all sit in the same table (one year the kids table just vanished all 6 of us got promoted together) but we are quite close in age 7 years between the oldest and the youngest so we loved it we still all sit on the "kids end" of the table with our partners and my kids.

Your Niece is 100% right could you not squeeze her in on a stool at the adult table? Explain to your parents she has to be promoted or the 9 of you will have to go it alone.

Shamelessly placemarking just to see what happens on Christmas Day!

Ahhh, the mahogany table!! Well that puts an entirely different light on the matter!! No, it doesn't

The mahogany-table-and-eight-chairs in our family started off in the dining room of my newly-wed grandmother's house in 1910 and finally bit the dust in the dining room of my mother's house in the mid-1980s. It had scratches, water-stains, and cracks, wobbled a bit, chips knocked out of the legs and the number of chairs were gradually depleted when over the years the 'boy cousins' tipped them up on the back legs once too often and the legs snapped. Finally someone sat too hard on the corner and broke the top. Now that was a mahogany table to be proud of! Every mark, every stain told the story of our wonderful family and the love and times we shared.

Carcass, that's lovely

OP, I think you have to press on if your DSis is on board. Time to shake things up!

Shamelessly placemarking!

I am expecting live updates on Christmas Day op the pressure is on

You've done brilliantly op - she just doesn't have a reasonable argument to offer, does she?

This should be in a new section of "Classics" on how to handle difficult family

Ahh ImtheChristmasCarcass that sounds lovely. We have a big long oak table that DH inherited when his dad died. It was the one thing he wanted, and we had to hire a bloody mini lorry to get it over from Ireland and it sat in storage til we got this house. It has scratches, gouges, and some graffiti bearing the name of his deceased great uncle. We love it. One of us can work at one end, homework at the other, and we can meet in the middle for tea.

Of course, according to DM this is "a bit common". As it's in a big open plan hallway (arches through to living room and kitchen) rather than in what's meant to be the dining room, which we use as DCs playroom.

It is however not quite long enough for 16 so the plan is as follows:

Handily, there is both an Ikea and an enormous Sainsbury's 10 min drive from us. We will do click and collect at Sainsbury's and purchase an extra Ikea table at the same time. DM normally gets the food for the dinner at a selection of little local shops which I'm sure is cheaper and better for the community but hey ho- I'll know for next year. We'll probably spend more (OMG I'm going to get to go down the festive booze aisle) and we will not ask her or DF for any money (we're usually chipper-inners for christmas dinner)

leather handbag MIL has been appraised of the situation. She quite likes coming to stay between her cruises. "oh well if that's the situation I might well come to you next year". Was thinking oh lord, what have I let myself in for when overheard DH telling DSs about change in plans. Littlest one: "does that mean we can pull our crackers with you and mum this year?" tries not to weep

Decision made, I think... thank you MN for convincing me/us to DO SOMETHING!

Still waiting for DM to confirm what she actually wants though.... rather than wittering on about "what your father thinks".

Brilliant thread & well done OP!
You are fantastic - not only to step up for DN but to handle your DM (who is being totally unreasonable) with such a calm & humoured approach.

Wish you a WONDERFUL time with your family & just keep smiling

"According to DM: "well it's your house if you want chaos at christmas"
"Yes. Yes in fact I do. "

Well I think I'd rather be hosted by you, who embraces the inevitable chaos, than by her, who seems to fear the chaos and values the mahogany table above the living!

Sounds as if you'll have a smashing Christmas .

Ooh, well done Tabby! Jolly good show.

Do come and update us when your mum has decided what to do!

Why would a 22 year old being allowed to sit at a table with the other adults equal "chaos at Christmas"?
Sorry to be rude, but she really does sound unhinged.

Your oak table sounds equally lovely Tabby.

I'd probably just go full steam ahead and roll over your mum without waiting to get her 'RSVP'. She'll have the choice then of sitting at her mahogany table alone or joining everyone at your wonderful oak table! She'll cave. She may sit with cat's bum face, but she'll cave. And I'll bet when next Xmas rolls around she'll wonder why on earth she made such a fuss!