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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas table controversy

463 replies

Tabbylady · 18/12/2016 17:47

We always spend christmas with my parents. Me and DH, our 2 DSs, Dsis and her family and DB and his. There are big age gaps between us siblings and therefore the cousins.

Since kids came on the scene they've been at a separate "kids" table for reasons of space and my parents being OTT about "mess" (plastic tablecloths, no alcohol, kids crackers etc)

My sister's daughter is much older than the other kids and has selflessly put up with this for years and we've always had a little private joke about how silly it is. She's nearly 22. This year, my DB (aged 40) split with his long term partner and is planning on bringing his new girlfriend, aged 25...

My DN was a bit Xmas Shock about all this, being quite close with DB, but has lost the plot about the ongoing table arrangements. I think she's probably projecting anger about other stuff onto this situation (loss of DBs partner who we all liked etc) but she is threatening not to come if new GF gets "treated like a grown up" while she's subjected to a boozeless christmas dinner with the little ones.

I am actually quite supportive of her- there must be a more inclusive way to do it all- and have said so to DPs who are having none of it. This silly thing is threatening a bit of a rift- me, DH, DSis and BIL and DN all on same side with the rest of them on the other. Suspect DBs new GF has no clue.

AIBU to support my DN in this admittedly a bit silly fuss? How would you resolve it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tabbylady · 19/12/2016 12:35

It was hard not to laugh

"Do you know what your husband has done!?" And me replying "yes it's from us both" took the wind out of her sails.

Many arguments were put forth. She can't bring herself to say she thinks my house is a sty but that's the issue she won't say.

Explained we will have exact same dinner and day - the order the crackers are pulled etc- just in different location. And we have a big long hall/room that can set up tables and accommodate us all together. Explained would be so nice to eat with my own children and there are now too many grown ups to accommodate us all at DMs. She was nonplussed. Apparently it's sweet and lovely for the cousins to all eat together. DN is just being uppity...

Said I will not drink and will collect and take them back if that's what they prefer- but they can stay too if they like. "Ohhhhhhh so it's the alcohol that it's about then eh? I knew DH likes a drink but really".
At that point I became less accommodating... DH drinks fancy ales once in a blue moon.

Also explained that leather handbag MIL is getting frail and may want to stay in country next year. There really won't be room yet so this will be a test run (she likes test runs)

Finally resorted to the bloody cats. This is their 1st Xmas. Kids will be devastated to leave them and I don't want them to go unfed for 12hrs. I'd normally ask a neighbour to pop in but can't on Xmas day. (For those on the cat thread- this is not the collapsy fainty neighbour! Also I am surrounded by maniacs)

She is going to "go and speak to your father" (who is at his allotment. In December. For entirely understandable strange reasons)

OH and she's only bought the turkey so far. Crackers have been ordered from betterware.

OP posts:
Andbabymakesthree · 19/12/2016 12:49

Awaiting update!

Andbabymakesthree · 19/12/2016 12:52

She's being stubborn. time for change.

Stay firm.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 19/12/2016 12:54

Ooh, this is gripping! Come ON, Tabby's Mum, get to that allotment pronto and then ring Tabby back so we can have an update!

BringMeTea · 19/12/2016 13:15

Good work OP. Sterling. Lovely image of your dad sat around a brazier roasting chestnuts at his quiet place. Xmas Smile

amazingamy09 · 19/12/2016 13:17

I love this thread! Good luck with everything OP

OhBigHairyBollocks · 19/12/2016 13:44

Gripping thread! Your DNs sound hilarious.

Cat thread?!?!

TheProblemOfSusan · 19/12/2016 13:45

You are hardcore, I love it. And good on your brother, too. I do feel for her, but if you hadn't forced a change it just wouldn't ever have happened. I think someone upthread said that if you'd done all this earlier it would have ended up being back at hers as she'd have had time to machinate out of it - short, sharp and shocking was the only way to go.

Of course that does now mean you're going to need to brave the shops without having had an order in. Good luck!!

SparklyMagpie · 19/12/2016 13:46

Haha good luck with it all OP! Smile

Wait4nothing · 19/12/2016 13:47

Bloody brilliant - your dsis needs to get a grip too and start thinking of her children's needs!

RandomMess · 19/12/2016 13:57

As a last resort you can just do the "well we've decided we're staying here just do what you want then Mum"

Fairylea · 19/12/2016 13:58

Well done op.

Awaiting result! Grin

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 19/12/2016 13:59

OMG, I absolutely love the "I shall speak to your father about this!!!" (Dun dun DUUUNNN!!!) Shades of 'wait until your father gets home!'.

Frankly, as much as I love having everyone here I'd happily turn hosting over if my DS1 and DiL would offer to host. Their house is tiny but there would be room for all of us with a couple of card tables added. As it is they pitch in and help and provide some of the sides. DS2 (at home) and my DB pitch in, too.

I don't get these people who don't want a relaxed holiday with someone else doing the lion's share. It just doesn't make sense.

PetraDelphiki · 19/12/2016 14:00

Your DN is a saint! I'm expecting dd(10) to refuse to sit on the kids table with the 6 and 4 year old!!! Can't blame her mind you!!

Wildwillow · 19/12/2016 14:04

I have absolutely no time for people that are so inflexible and selfish in their ideals. She needs to understand that children grow up - partners appear (and disappear) and families generally evolve. To be so rigid in how things are done puts others under stress and will only result in them not wanting to be there the minute an alternative choice is available. She sounds a complete bore that clearly needs to have it explained to her (albeit gently done by someone who has the time and patience for her - she said generously)... that Christmas does not revolve around one person!!! Rant over!!

mysistersimone · 19/12/2016 14:05

Brilliant thread, yay for 1 table!

Leanback · 19/12/2016 14:07

Happy even your brother is on the same page. Strong front is needed.

ttcnovice · 19/12/2016 14:09

This might be my favourite ever thread!

deydododatdodontdeydo · 19/12/2016 14:17

Nice work, OP.
I don't see how a separate children's table is "vile" though.
When I was a child we had 7 adults and 5 children at christmas. We children sat on a smaller table, there was nothing formal or "be seen and not heard" about it. We loved sitting together and had great fun.
The adults were only next to us, so I'm a bit Hmm at a PP saying they "couldn't imagine" not sitting with their DCs.
OTOH, 22 is not a child though Smile

5foot5 · 19/12/2016 14:19

I think you are doing a great job but just wonder why you are all tip-toeing around the issue of her still not getting that her DN is an adult.

Apparently it's sweet and lovely for the cousins to all eat together. DN is just being uppity...

FGS it must be so tempting to point out in words of one syllable that if she carries on like this she will be very lucky if any of them want to spend time with her for much longer

kew1234 · 19/12/2016 14:34

Shamelessly placemarking - awesome and A massive yes to the one table.

PNGirl · 19/12/2016 15:14

Ah, re: it being nice for the cousins to eat together, your mother is clearly of that generation that sees clear generation boundaries rather than indivual family members (them, their kids, their kids' "children"). In her head, you and your siblings are 17 and all cousins including DN are about 5.

I am a bit confused though - might this still end up with everyone but your household at your mum's and the remaining "children" 22 and younger banned from alcohol on the kids table?

FoxyRoxy · 19/12/2016 15:41

Place marking because I NEED to know what your dad says! Will DN still come to you now no matter what her parents do? I assume she could drive over with her sister but then she still can't drink Xmas Confused

Catlady1976 · 19/12/2016 15:50

Waiting for further update too.

BorpBorpBorp · 19/12/2016 15:53

I am enjoying this thread. Well played OP. Looking forward to hearing what your DF 'says' when he's back from his allotment. There's a lot to be done on the allotment in December - picking sprouts, clearing beds, getting some peace away from your batshit wife etc. etc.