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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be cross about charity gifts for children

84 replies

woundedplacerias · 17/12/2016 21:43

Both dc received Oxfam school equipment cards from stbx's mother last week. I was a little irritated as they already get these every year from his dad (ex's parents are divorced but still in touch and spend Christmas/Boxing Day together with ex and the dc) and I think children aged 7 & 9 don't need two sets of these - one is enough to make the point, if one really wants to use buying one's grandchildren a Christmas gift as an opportunity for making a point.

However, today has really taken the piss. In the post ds1 received his usual membership of our local cricket club (big club) and another bloody Oxfam thing came for ds2. Yesterday, yet another fucking Oxfam thing had come but I wasn't in to take delivery (it was in a box) so we had to go to the sorting office to collect it today. It was in a box because it came with a small packet of chocolate and it was for ds1. So he has membership to a prestigious cricket club and some chocolate, while ds2 has a card telling him about a charity project.

I am very pissed off about this. I think it's a rubbish and inefficient way to donate to charity (the amount of paper I have received is ridiculous) and no child needs two of these wretched things. If ex's family think they are so great, why have them delivered to my house so that I have to do all the explaining, when I actually think they're not that great an idea. Not to mention the inequality between my two sons - and ex has form for favouring ds1 due to his love of sport which ex shares. I know he and his family love ds2, but it's ds1 who gets all the attention as he just seems to be a better fit for them.

AIBU to not want anymore of this stuff delivered to my house, and to consider them bloody mean?

OP posts:

MrsHathaway · 17/12/2016 21:49

I think charity gifts are for adults who have everything.

Charity gifts for children are a statement, and not a nice one.

Wankers.

shinynewusername · 17/12/2016 21:51

How do you know DS2 isn't going to get something else? Isn't it more likely that she has got both DC one actual present each and one charity thing?

Hulababy · 17/12/2016 22:02

I don't like charity gifts instead of gifts for anyone unless they've been actually asked for by the recipient.

If someone wants to donate to charity then good in them and they should do. But do it from themselves on their own behalf. Not someone else's behalf.

I really belief charity giving should be a personal decision and done on the behalf of the giver, no one else.

Sweetwater · 17/12/2016 22:04

It is mean. Definitely.

My in laws massively favoured dh's sister when they were growing up and then they tried to do the same with my dc. Sending lovely things to dd2 and not dd1. I used to have to race out and get equivalent presents for dd1.

Anyway, I told Dh I wasn't having them carrying on with our dc like they did him and I told them not to send one of our children things and not the other. Every time they glossed over dd1's achievements or whatever it was I brought the focus back to her. I was ridiculously blatant about it as I was not having it. Especially as I can see the effect all of it had on the relationships between the siblings.

The difference is that my Dh was on my side.

TurncoatEwok · 17/12/2016 22:10

Are they making a point about them being spoilt/ungrateful?! I have often seen that suggested on here. "Send them a goat!" Etc

cherrycrumblecustard · 17/12/2016 22:12

Gosh, I'm really surprised at this. I've often sponsored animals as a gift for children, or adopted one at a local farm. The child gets a stuffed toy and stickers and things so it isn't a complete 'nothing to open' but it's just children get so many toys and books I always thought it was a nice way to support a charity as well as giving a present to a child.

SoggyDays · 17/12/2016 22:14

They sound difficult. You have my sympathies.

My Mil gives too many gifts to the kids for my comfort but some are clothes and practical bits. I have made peace with it as it's her way and it is generous and she also tries to be fair.

annielouise · 17/12/2016 22:15

Sorry but arseholes. Who does that to kids. Also, tell them it's you that has to explain and try and put a good spin on why they're not getting a bloody present. Plus all the paper waste. Don't buy them anything in return but say you put a pound in the charity box as they're present. Tight arses.

PurpleDaisies · 17/12/2016 22:15

I think charity gifts are usually fine but in this situation the presents for the two siblings are very different and that's not on.

annielouise · 17/12/2016 22:15

*their not they're - had wine tonight

SoggyDays · 17/12/2016 22:16

I think if the kids go to see the adopted animal that could be lovely!

MapMyMum · 17/12/2016 22:18

YANBU

Cherry watch these.....

cecinestpasunepipe · 17/12/2016 22:21

Annielouise you were right the first time!!

bumsexatthebingo · 17/12/2016 22:24

I ask for charity gifts off my kids. Then they get to look at the different ones and hopefully gain a bit of understanding about people less fortunate. But I wouldn't buy one unsolicited. It's not about the recipient at all. It's not even as though they get a say in what charity is donated to. It's like donating to charity then sending someone a note to say you've done it so you look good. If you want to give money to charity at Christmas you should just do it and leave other people out of it imo.

SheldonCRules · 17/12/2016 22:28

Charity gifts are all about the giver not the receiver, too much look at me and how virtuous I am.

Give to you right chosen charity by all means but don't pretend it's a gift for someone else. They may not even support that charity, it's a very personal choice.

Hateloggingin · 17/12/2016 22:29

Cecil's - no she wasn't :D

Hateloggingin · 17/12/2016 22:29

Cecine, even, bloody autocorrect!!

LanaorAna1 · 17/12/2016 22:31

Um, did they send thanks for previous presents? Because it could be revenge gifting.

Saracen · 17/12/2016 22:38

I don't see anything wrong with the gift.

But it does look like they are favouring one child hugely, and that isn't on.

bojorojo · 17/12/2016 22:38

DH and I got a goat each one Christmas. Didn't get to see it as I believe it was eaten somewhere in Africa. I would be livid if my children had received similar. Who makes judgements as to whether children receive too many gifts - cherry? Some parents do not over-indulge their children and if you want to give something, think of what the child would actually like not what you would like based on poorly researched views of modern day children.

toldmywraath · 17/12/2016 22:39

Hatelogginin -there was a first "they're" which was correct. The second they're should have been their.

Fresta · 17/12/2016 22:43

I hate charity gifts, you are just saying I don't want to give you anything so I've donated the money I would have spent to charity. Funny how the giver is usually happy to receive a gift for themselves though.

Original poster

woundedplacerias · 17/12/2016 22:50

Yes I believe there Mil at least thinks the dc get too much. One year she didn't pass on a gift someone else had got them as she 'knew it would be like this' - knew they would have toys from us so stopped them from having what someone else had bought them. However, when I compare to others on here and in rl, I think my dc get comparatively little.

OP posts:

1horatio · 17/12/2016 22:56

That clip of the goat,,,

I have actually given that to my mother I wonder if I'm a stereotype 😂

But no, OP, you are not being unreasonable. Who the heck does this to a child? So weird.

Reminds me of the time when my little sister (maybe 10?) got an add fri an organisation that was trying to get her (?) to make a donation for their fight against female genital mutilation. The procedure was described in their leaflet.

DM was furious....

SoggyDays · 17/12/2016 23:17

That was overbearing not to pass on the gift. I find gift giving too much at Christmas but this is thread is a warning to me!

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