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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be cross about charity gifts for children

84 replies

woundedplacerias · 17/12/2016 21:43

Both dc received Oxfam school equipment cards from stbx's mother last week. I was a little irritated as they already get these every year from his dad (ex's parents are divorced but still in touch and spend Christmas/Boxing Day together with ex and the dc) and I think children aged 7 & 9 don't need two sets of these - one is enough to make the point, if one really wants to use buying one's grandchildren a Christmas gift as an opportunity for making a point.

However, today has really taken the piss. In the post ds1 received his usual membership of our local cricket club (big club) and another bloody Oxfam thing came for ds2. Yesterday, yet another fucking Oxfam thing had come but I wasn't in to take delivery (it was in a box) so we had to go to the sorting office to collect it today. It was in a box because it came with a small packet of chocolate and it was for ds1. So he has membership to a prestigious cricket club and some chocolate, while ds2 has a card telling him about a charity project.

I am very pissed off about this. I think it's a rubbish and inefficient way to donate to charity (the amount of paper I have received is ridiculous) and no child needs two of these wretched things. If ex's family think they are so great, why have them delivered to my house so that I have to do all the explaining, when I actually think they're not that great an idea. Not to mention the inequality between my two sons - and ex has form for favouring ds1 due to his love of sport which ex shares. I know he and his family love ds2, but it's ds1 who gets all the attention as he just seems to be a better fit for them.

AIBU to not want anymore of this stuff delivered to my house, and to consider them bloody mean?

OP posts:

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 17/12/2016 23:19

Yup, if you want to be charitable then you ask everyone who might be getting you a gift to please give the money to charity so you're the one left with no presents. You're sacrificing nothing by spending money you would already be spending but asking someone else to give up a present. Definitely not on to do this with children

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/12/2016 02:59

I love charity gifts but not really for kids. Particularly one sibling and not the other, that's just rotten.

I did get a couple of toilets in Africa one year. My lovely friends had heard my stories of having a quite horrible stomach bug travelling and decided to make sure that I had somewhere nice to go next time I still have the fridge magnets and that was a decade ago. So as long as you get them for the right people; they're lovely.

WiltingTulip · 18/12/2016 04:03

I buy presents with my dcs to give to charities collecting for children so they learn to enjoy helping others but I would never make someone's gift a donation if that makes sense. Seems pointless, the giver is merely making a donation on behalf of themselves and then telling people about it!

WiltingTulip · 18/12/2016 04:04

And for that reason I tell people not to buy me anything. Up to them if they'd like to make a donation.

WiltingTulip · 18/12/2016 04:05

mrsterry I stand corrected- that's actually good 😊

user1477282676 · 18/12/2016 04:25

Send it all back to the ex inlaws. What arses.

GirlOverboard · 18/12/2016 04:43

It's a bit of a crap gift on it's own, but it's not like it's the only gift (if they've also given your DS1 a cricket club membership), so I think you are being a bit ungrateful in that regard. But then I'm assuming they've bought your DS2 an extra present which he hasn't received yet. If the charity gift is genuinely all he's getting, then that's unfair and YANBU.

zippey · 18/12/2016 04:45

The inequality of the gifts would annoy me more than it being a goat.

If send it back saying they don't want a goat for Christmas but thanks for the thought.

Joinourclub · 18/12/2016 05:19

But it's not even Christmas yet. Why have they opened all their presents and how do you know that there are not more to come?

user1477282676 · 18/12/2016 05:55

Join it doesn't sound like it was even wrapped up. OP says it came in a box. I tend to open plain brown boxes and assume there's a wrapped gift inside.

SallyGinnamon · 18/12/2016 06:38

I'd be furious at the difference in gifts for your DC more than the charity gift thing - and hopping mad about not passing on a gift. That's not her call to make and I hope you told the gift-giver what happened.

Why don't you have them over for a meal but give them nothing while you tuck in? Say you've given theirs to the local food bank as you know how much they like to support charity....

user1477282676 · 18/12/2016 06:41

Borders lol at the idea! I have to say, I wouldn't be "furious" I';d be very sad.

It's very thoughtless and unkind of them.

Takfish89 · 18/12/2016 07:00

I agree that maybe something else is coming for DS2 but if they have form for this kind of thing already then I think it's awful. I also think charity gifts aren't what I would give to a child but it's the inequality between your children is the unforgivable part. My grandparents were very unequal in their affections between us so my mum (it was her parents) limited the amount of time with them.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 18/12/2016 07:02

Yanbu op. Also, I hate to say it, but I'd expect this thread to make its way into the Daily Mail, so can you be sure that stbx's parents won't see it?

BeingATinselTwatItsABingThing · 18/12/2016 07:18

I buy a charity gift for my DP and my DD (nearly 3). I buy them loads of presents that are actually for them so it is nice to make one donation. I'm trying to teach my DD that there are others who don't have as much as we do so it is nice to consider them. But I wouldn't give it as a sole gift to someone else.

Graceflorrick · 18/12/2016 07:25

I agree with you, OP. How did the boys take it?

Playdoughinthecarpet · 18/12/2016 07:32

I would tell these crap gift givers that you dc are giving to shoe box appeal, donating to Christmas jumper day, put pocket money in school funds raffle and financially supported the school choir in the shopping centre, thrown more pocket money in the Lions Santa float that drove past the house and gave the last of their birthday money to the Salvation Army Band playing at the Christmas Fair. Charity gifts are for the giver and your kids (if they are anything like mine) have happily given to local charities for a month, would be nice to receive a small, personal gift.....

Alorsmum · 18/12/2016 07:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 18/12/2016 07:43

What Hulababy said - I can still remember my son's face when he found out (he was 6) that someone had adopted a fr*gging DUCK for him!!!

You want a duck adopted? Get one for yourself!

cheekyfunkymonkey · 18/12/2016 07:49

Maybe let her know a second identical gift has arrived and query ( you can say you are worried it's a mistake and she's been charged twice). May prompt an explanation.

Original poster

woundedplacerias · 18/12/2016 08:00

To answer a few questions:

The gifts have been opened because they all came in plain boxes/envelopes. The boxed one had the chocolate and I didn't let the dc see that one. Tbh, if I am to treat these gifts in as meaningful a way as possible and talk about the issues/places mentioned, then they need to be opened before the big day, as they just wouldn't get noticed then - not that my dc are spoilt, but they're only human!

Yes, I suppose ds2 may have something else coming. I hope so, as it's really not fair otherwise.

The first lot came from their gm, and the second from their gf - both paternal side. They give gifts separately because they're divorced, but obviously of the same mind on this kind of thing.

I hope this doesn't end up in the Mail, but I doubt they'll see it if it does - if it were to be in The Guardian / Morning Star, that would be another matter.

I just find it a bit preachy. We are going through a divorce, ex is very hard up (through his own stupidity, but still) and also has MS. My children are very lucky compared to some, but they are having plenty of crap to deal with too (well, I hope they're not actually having to deal with it and are being sheltered, but ykwim) and I feel like they deserve a few treats at Christmas. I also feel that the GPs should give them this stuff in person if they think it's so great, rather than me having to discuss it all, when it's not really my thing at all. We already sponsor a tiger as a family, and have a regular Big Issue seller we buy from, as well as regularly donating to the food ank box in the supermarket. I think my dc are pretty well aware of the need to be kind and give a bit back, and don't need this lecturing at Christmas.

OP posts:

alotlikeChristmas16 · 18/12/2016 08:02

I'd ring your ex or email and check that they had a second gift lined up for ds2 and point out the disparity if not. I don't think you can complain about the gifts, but equally, I'd tell your dc that they need to ask ex and the gps why they've chosen those 'some people think this is a good idea, since it was theirs, they can explain' and of course I'd try and get them what they actually wanted. They're more likely to foster the opposite reaction by ruining Christmases of their smallish gc.

alotlikeChristmas16 · 18/12/2016 08:03

It is preachy op, and it's their gospel so let them preach it.

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 18/12/2016 08:08

Re-gift their preachy gifts back to them.

listsandbudgets · 18/12/2016 08:10

YANBU... still getting over the year someone gifted me a toilet and I was 34!!!

still at least it was probably of ongoing use to many

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