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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be cross about charity gifts for children

84 replies

woundedplacerias · 17/12/2016 21:43

Both dc received Oxfam school equipment cards from stbx's mother last week. I was a little irritated as they already get these every year from his dad (ex's parents are divorced but still in touch and spend Christmas/Boxing Day together with ex and the dc) and I think children aged 7 & 9 don't need two sets of these - one is enough to make the point, if one really wants to use buying one's grandchildren a Christmas gift as an opportunity for making a point.

However, today has really taken the piss. In the post ds1 received his usual membership of our local cricket club (big club) and another bloody Oxfam thing came for ds2. Yesterday, yet another fucking Oxfam thing had come but I wasn't in to take delivery (it was in a box) so we had to go to the sorting office to collect it today. It was in a box because it came with a small packet of chocolate and it was for ds1. So he has membership to a prestigious cricket club and some chocolate, while ds2 has a card telling him about a charity project.

I am very pissed off about this. I think it's a rubbish and inefficient way to donate to charity (the amount of paper I have received is ridiculous) and no child needs two of these wretched things. If ex's family think they are so great, why have them delivered to my house so that I have to do all the explaining, when I actually think they're not that great an idea. Not to mention the inequality between my two sons - and ex has form for favouring ds1 due to his love of sport which ex shares. I know he and his family love ds2, but it's ds1 who gets all the attention as he just seems to be a better fit for them.

AIBU to not want anymore of this stuff delivered to my house, and to consider them bloody mean?

OP posts:

Whatsername17 · 18/12/2016 08:19

I wouldn't treat the gifts in a meaningful way. Id ask dc to be polite to the grandparents when asked about them and say thank you. But, I would not try and big them up in any way. I'd tell the kids that grandparents think you get too much stuff so donate to charity on your behalf instead. That's just what they do. What we do is be polite and say thank you. Matter of fact, as non judgemental as possible. My own great grandma used to send me money every year and my brothers nothing. Really upset my mum and dad. When I was about 7 or 8 my mum explained that granny used to do the same to my dad and his brother (but it was my uncle that got through gift) and it made my dad sad. From then on, we used the money to buy a film or pay for a trip to the cinema for all of us. I was very happy with this arrangement and under no illusions as to how unfair my ggrandma was being. As a family, we bonded over it.

Booboobedoo · 18/12/2016 08:26

Whatusername17: I think that's the perfect way to handle it.

My family is - um - complicated, and I've been tentatively trying this out.

'I'm sorry Grandma made you sad when she spoke to you like that. Sometimes Grandma isn't very kind. She used to talk to Daddy like that and make him sad, too.'

All said quite casually.

DCs nod, have a quick think, then go and do their own thing.

OP, sorry to hear you're all having a rough time. I don't think you need the extra emotional pressure of having to spin your in-laws.

Original poster

woundedplacerias · 18/12/2016 08:32

Yes, that's really helpful. It probably wouldn't bother me so much if I didn't feel a weight of responsibility to deal with it in a certain way. Thank you .

OP posts:

Dizzybintess · 18/12/2016 08:33

As a child me and my brother used to get really upset at my grandparents display of inequality to us. We had one more couisin who was spoilt rotten and she was an only Child. The episode I remember clearly in the 80s was me and my bro having the small size dairy milk egg and my cousin having a 4ft tall giant effergy to a frigging chicken with lots of little whites chocolate chicks around it. Eggs like that were not around in the 80s so no idea where they managed to procure it!
The excuse was that I had the gift of a brother and she had none.
All her school reports would be ok the fridge for all to see.
That side of the family treated my grandmother appallingly when she died and caused absolute chaos with the will and selling of the house so we haven't spoken to them in years. So we think they had Lots of control on my grandparents. Sad really.
YANBU To expect them to gift equally especially to siblings. And if I was a child I would have been gutted by a goat!

Dizzybintess · 18/12/2016 08:35

Apologies for the stupid autocorrects in my message I'm full of cold!

Thinkingblonde · 18/12/2016 09:05

It's preachy and passive aggressive given her behaviour and comments over withholding gifts from a third party.

Also how dare she withhold gifts from someone else? I hope you told the gift giver what she'd done. I would have been furious if any gift from me hadn't been passed on.

jerryfudd · 18/12/2016 10:00

I would merely send them with their "presents" on their dads day with them with instructions "mom said you'd take us to nans so she could explain to us what these are all about"

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 18/12/2016 10:19

^I remember clearly in the 80s was me and my bro having the small size dairy milk egg and my cousin having a 4ft tall giant effergy to a frigging chicken with lots of little whites chocolate chicks around it. Eggs like that were not around in the 80s so no idea where they managed to procure it!
The excuse was that I had the gift of a brother and she had none.^

Dizzy

I would gladly have sacrificed my brother and both my sisters on the altar of that giant chicken, if I would have had it for my own.

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 18/12/2016 10:20

Apologies for the stupid autocorrects in my message I'm full of cold!

The autocorrect needs no excuses make post unintelligible - it does it because it can!

SilverDragonfly1 · 18/12/2016 11:34

Okay, here's what you do.

Make up your own leaflets for your chosen charity- Grandchildren Without Gifts. Photos inside of your boys opening up exciting gifts with big 'Love from Granny/ Grandad' tags on them. Bit of text about how some children don't get thoughtful, loving gifts from their grandparents, so GWG uses donations to redress that. This year the charity received £x on behalf of Gran/dad and have been able to give gifts to two children who would otherwise have received passive-aggressive virtue signalling cards instead.

Wrap up the leaflets for their christmas presents. Sit back and wait for lots of huffy drama which you can relay to us over christmas, that way you are benefiting your children and the rest of us- double the charity!

ginghamstarfish · 18/12/2016 11:43

Yes, a difficult one, and I made the mistake of 'giving' an Oxfam goat to my spoilt nephews a few years back. Their faces ....

I have only done it since for my DH who I really know appreciates this kind of thing. I suspect that while it was a good fundraising idea from Oxfam, it causes some disappointment for the card recipients as per OP.

ginghamstarfish · 18/12/2016 11:44

Silverdragonfly, that's a wonderful idea!

octoberfarm · 18/12/2016 12:40

I'm surprised by the strength of everyone's reaction on this one. I do completely agree that the unequal distribution of gifts is super unfair, and I'd be really upset about that too. Hopefully they'll top up his gifts with another one at Christmas.

That being said, I don't see the charity gift thing as preachy. I understand how it might be used passive aggressively, which isn't really on, but also feel that if my LO received something like that, it'd be a great opportunity to help them learn about how not everyone is as fortunate as they are, and how important it is that we give them help where we can, even if it means we lose out a bit, because generally we have everything we need and they don't. I'd far rather the kids in Aleppo had something to help improve their lives than my kid had a toy he was temporarily thrilled with and then forgot about completely. I do agree it's probably a good idea to ask for those gifts for yourself rather than giving to other people though, although I'd be happy to receive a gift like that so possibly I'm missing the point.

Wolverbamptonwanderer · 18/12/2016 12:41

That is a totally crap gift- for anyone. Your poor DS2

LunaLoveg00d · 18/12/2016 12:46

I wouldn't buy a charity gift for a child but would for an adult.

Also disagree that they are an inefficient way of donating - yes you get some paper and info to hand to the recipient, but that cost is tiny. Every single penny of your purchase price of the gift goes straight to the charity funds, plus an extra 25% if the shop volunteer was on the ball and asked about Gift Aid. It's a much more effective way of supporting charities than buying Christmas Cards or other new items in their shops.

alotlikeChristmas16 · 18/12/2016 14:00

I don't think it's a terribly idea with prior agreement from say an auntie they rarely see, but most people hate the idea, I tried to get our extended family to do wwf donations where you get a cuddly toy and a magazine and the idea was hated by my nieces and nephews so I didn't. Gap are core family, dd should be able to expect a personal present from them though, unless the dc felt strongly they wanted a charity gift..otherwise it's cheap snippy moralizing at the expense of the gc.

alotlikeChristmas16 · 18/12/2016 14:01

gp even, not gap

Rachel0Greep · 18/12/2016 14:20

No, I don't agree with charity gifting. I have certain charities close to my heart, for various reasons. I give donations when I am in a position to afford them. I would not be impressed with someone handing me something to show they gave to a charity on MY behalf. It's a private thing, to me. I don't announce what I gave, nor to what charity.

As a gift to a child, absolutely not. YANBU OP.
I liked the suggestion earlier, albeit tongue-in-cheek, to invite them around and say you have donated THEIR food to the food bank.

I wouldn't in any way big up their present, or try to explain it to the children. Let them do that.

As regards the unequal giving, I would wait and see, on that. It will need to be addressed, IMO, if it continues.

Hulababy · 18/12/2016 15:25

But Luna. Surely if YOU want to give to charity you should just do it on your behalf, not on behalf of others. If they want to give to charity then they can choose which charity, how much and when. By all means don't buy a gift for someone if you'd rather not. But just donate and tell people just that - I'm not buying gifts this year as I feel the money would be better spent on xyz charity.

Sung · 18/12/2016 15:36

I struggle with the idea of giving to charity, on someone else's behalf, as a gift. Really not ok - unless specifically asked for.

I was asked by PIL what I wanted for Christmas one year and I replied, genuinely, that I wanted for nothing and would actually really appreciate it if I could be left out of the gift giving (I hate it - my issue I know). I appreciate that it wasn't helpful and they struggled with that so added on that maybe they could just give a little extra to their charity giving at Christmas instead. Now I get an Oxfam gift card, wrapped up, to open on Christmas day (along with other presents too...) every year. I find it excruciating and I asked for it (sort of!)! Not that they gave to charity on my behalf but the fact that they feel the need to prove it, wrap it up and then watch my face when I open it.

Your DC grandparents giving really sucks, on so many levels. Their unequal giving speaks volumes. I like your way round it whatername.

lottieandmia · 18/12/2016 15:39

YANBU - I'd be fuming. I think it's an incredibly wanky and high handed thing to do, especially when the recipient is a child.

hackmum · 18/12/2016 15:41

Foxes: "Yup, if you want to be charitable then you ask everyone who might be getting you a gift to please give the money to charity so you're the one left with no presents. "

This is exactly how I feel. I think making someone else be the recipient of the charity gift is having your cake and eating it. You're making yourself look virtuous even though it's the other person who is making the sacrifice. And they can't be angry with you about the gift because it makes them look like bastards. It's a wet dream for the passive aggressive among us.

GlitterGlue · 18/12/2016 15:43

I think that's shitty. Ok if it had been pre agreed and was for adult. Fair enough if they didn't want to buy toys of things, but tickets for an event or venue would have been a good alternative.

I don't think sponsoring an animal is the same as a charity gift. Usually it means receiving a cuddly toy or other gift and often you can visit the animal at the zoo or other location. I know a small child who was delighted to adopt a meerkat. Although disappointed it couldn't come to visit.

Skatingonthinice16 · 18/12/2016 15:51

We've got ds a snow leopard - not the actual thing sadly - but he did ask for it and keeps saying it wants to sponsor one. I think he wants the soft toy!

alotlikeChristmas16 · 18/12/2016 15:52

Now that would be a gift everyone would want - sponsor an endangered animal and have one visit - would they drink all the tea and eat all the food though?

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