Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU.....jobless SIL with her own Christmas list

156 replies

Sararob28 · 17/12/2016 14:33

AIBU? My brothers GF left her job about 6 months ago and worked a bit over late summer but due to some sort of "admin error" has been unable to start her new job but hasn't bothered to do any temp work in the mean time preferring to go out for coffee etc rather than finding work. Anyway.....my brother works FT and is supporting her and paying all bills.....not so much an issue, however, I suggested that I'll lable one of the gifts I purchased for my DS from him and SIL (I made out as though I had too much stuff for DS rather than mentioning his finances). We do swap gifts so I also asked him for a low value item as he wanted to get me and DH something ..........however, I don't think he's realised I was trying to help as he sent me his GF's Christmas list asking for one of the items off there. AIBU that she shouldn't be so demanding considering she isn't working.....plus who has a great big long Christmas list in their 30's? Maybe my brother should have told her it's a coal and satsuma year......bah humbug!

OP posts:
AMillionMilesFromThere · 17/12/2016 23:27

mrsfrumble in my case I got married straight after university (at age 24). Then I fell pregnant with my first dc pretty much straight away. Dh was working and in a good job at the time so we could afford for me not to work.
Several years later , he was made redundant due to the recession and we had a rocky patch - but I was pregnant with our second dc then so realistically couldn't get a job. By the time our second dc was born, he was trying to establish a business. I contributed to that substantially in the beginning with money my parents had given me and I deal with the admin which isn't a lot (around 7-10 hours a week). Now I'm expecting our third dc and he's working within the business , very long hours , so almost all the childcare and housework falls on me. It's not that he's not willing to help, he just isn't here to do it when it needs doing so I do it. I also have a cleaner recently which helps a lot.

kali110 · 18/12/2016 00:02

So because she isn't working she isn't allowed gifts?
So what if she has a list at her age?
I'd rather someone told me what they wanted than me wasting my money!
From your post it doesn't sound like you like her very much.

ShakesEar · 18/12/2016 02:17

Some kindness goes a long way. You don't know what is going on in her daily life, so it's best not to assume you do.

Ahickiefromkinickie · 18/12/2016 02:56

It depends on whether there are any reasonable, low value type presents on the list? Or is it all quite pricey stuff?

I'm guessing it's pricey stuff as you call it demanding.

Catlady1976 · 18/12/2016 14:41

Yes op what was the gift lift like?

ginghamstarfish · 18/12/2016 17:49

Lots of sniping on here ... uncalled for I think. It's clear you don't like this GF but that's your prerogative. It was nice of you to think of a gift for her, but I would just ignore the list, and give whatever it was you intended. Not heard of a grown person having a Christmas list before! Maybe for nearest and dearest, but otherwise not!

Number4OnTheWay · 18/12/2016 17:52

I haven't had a job for 9 years, my eldest daughter is 6...
I also have an Amazon gift list for my husband, but he keeps giving it out to his parents and sister without telling me.
I will tell my dh immediately he should get me coal and a satsuma for Christmas because clearly I don't deserve anything more.
Hmm judgey much. Just remember you don't always know what goea on behind closed doors. The only person that k ow why I haven't had a job for 9 years is my dh, no one else needs to, we live comfortably on 1 salary and dh is fully supportive of me.

Crummyfunnymummy · 18/12/2016 17:55

Erm....I have a Xmas list! I'm in my 30s. I find it really useful when people ask me what I want for Xmas. I keep one for my DH and one each for my DC. Anytime I think of something they'd love I write it down during the year and when a birthday of Xmas draws near, I'm not stumped for ideas. I have one for myself also. Now I'm worried I come across as grabby to my relatives! I thought they found it helpful, but reading the OP now I'm not sure!

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 18/12/2016 18:49

"Their financial situation is none of your business".
I'm sure as hell glad my family don't think that way. I would like to think my family care about everything to do with me and wouldn't want to see me being screwed over.

A Christmas list is childish and needy as an adult.

I also think that it is really inappropriate to ask for gifts when you know you aren't buying any in return. I'm not saying that I give presents to receive presents - but asking for one is completely different!!

Sparklyglitter · 18/12/2016 20:55

If you normally buy her something, get her something small and low cost after all you will have also bought your own presents too! ;0) Don't worry about the rest of it let them sort themselves out :0) xxx

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 18/12/2016 20:59

I'm sure as hell glad my family don't think that way. I would like to think my family care about everything to do with me and wouldn't want to see me being screwed over.

There is a difference between caring about someone and looking down your nose at them because they don't work. even though they are about your start a new job

It wasn't her that gave the OP the list. It was her DBro.

riceuten · 18/12/2016 21:01

Anyone sending out an Xmas list, jobless or not, is cheeky beyond belief. I think you are letting your feelings about her fecklessness about work colour your judgement.

BraveDancing · 18/12/2016 21:12

I'm fascinated by this divide on Christmas lists. To those people who hate them, how on earth do you know what to get people and avoid duplicates etc?

Tapandgo · 18/12/2016 21:21

First time I've heard of Christmas Lists! Are they like wedding lists? If so................yuk

BraveDancing · 18/12/2016 21:44

Just a list of what you want for Christmas. I thought they were normal. The only person I know whose family don't use them has the most amazing stories of insane tat she gets. Like the year her parents insisted on getting her a full set of luggage. She has four kids, a dog, two cats and hasn't been on holiday for six years. Or another year she got a coffee machine which she dutifully kept in the kitchen for two years, untouched, before it got given to Oxfam. My favourite was a giant wooden giraffe which she kept in the cupboard under the stairs and got out whenever they came round and made her kids promise to pretend it was always there.

HumpMeBogart · 18/12/2016 21:46

I love surprises, both giving and receiving. My parents refuse to get me anything unless I give them a Xmas list. Sometimes I can't think of anything to put on mine - then my mother throws a massive tantrum Hmm (whole other thread there)
OP - YABVU

Estilou · 18/12/2016 22:30

It would be amazing to be married to somebody who earns enough to support me plus 2 kids now. However it's not happened to me. Makes me a tad jealous but I don't hold it against anybody. I just think lucky them.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 19/12/2016 00:28

I genuinely assumed everyone has a list or else how do people know what to get you? Mine has cheapy stuff (for the kids) and pricey stuff (for DH) and specific stuff I really want (like a particular lipstick) and generic stuff (like seeds or socks).

And if I don't get everything on my list I wouldn't be bothered at all. And if someone gets me a surprise that's not on my list, well that's lovely too.

It's a list of suggestions , not demands. I view my kids' lists in the same way.

user1480946351 · 19/12/2016 09:23

I genuinely assumed everyone has a list or else how do people know what to get you?

The people who know you well enough to get you a present surely know you well enough to know what kind of thing you like.

GoofyTheHero · 19/12/2016 09:45

The people who know you well enough to get you a present surely know you well enough to know what kind of thing you like.

Well, not always. My grandmother gets us all a present, but at 86 she doesn't always know what we want/what we've already got/what we're into.

GoofyTheHero · 19/12/2016 09:46

Also, my mum knows me pretty well but always asks what I want. She knows I don't really buy things for myself as most of our disposable income goes on the children so would rather get something I actually want/need than something she's chosen.

YelloDraw · 19/12/2016 09:49

Nothing wrong with an amazing list. My family usually buy requested items for each other.

Cantthinkofabloodyusername · 19/12/2016 10:20

I wish everyone had a list, it would make present buying soooooo much easier!!

NecklessMumster · 19/12/2016 12:54

Oh leave her alone. She is just irritated because she thought she was being helpful and tactful by making life easier and cheaper for her db and sil but was then asked to buy more than expected for her. Which feels annoying and grabby to her, and taken for granted. The trouble is when you do these mental justifications and arguments in your head is that other people aren't mind readers. So you have to make it explicit or be assertive if you don't want to be seething inside

AMillionMilesFromThere · 19/12/2016 15:59

Hmm I don't think anyone has been unnecessarily harsh actually . And since the op didn't bother coming back to her thread, I'm guessing she is best left well alone.