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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU.....jobless SIL with her own Christmas list

156 replies

Sararob28 · 17/12/2016 14:33

AIBU? My brothers GF left her job about 6 months ago and worked a bit over late summer but due to some sort of "admin error" has been unable to start her new job but hasn't bothered to do any temp work in the mean time preferring to go out for coffee etc rather than finding work. Anyway.....my brother works FT and is supporting her and paying all bills.....not so much an issue, however, I suggested that I'll lable one of the gifts I purchased for my DS from him and SIL (I made out as though I had too much stuff for DS rather than mentioning his finances). We do swap gifts so I also asked him for a low value item as he wanted to get me and DH something ..........however, I don't think he's realised I was trying to help as he sent me his GF's Christmas list asking for one of the items off there. AIBU that she shouldn't be so demanding considering she isn't working.....plus who has a great big long Christmas list in their 30's? Maybe my brother should have told her it's a coal and satsuma year......bah humbug!

OP posts:
FannyThat · 17/12/2016 19:06

If there are no members of MN at all that don't work/have never worked, I will take back my comment. This is obviously not going to be the case though so rather pointless to take offence to my comment, don't you think?

Welcome to you too, Piglet Smile

lyricaldancer · 17/12/2016 19:10

The fact she is jobless isn't particularly relevant, I feel. Actually having a Christmas list, however, I'm in agreement with you there!

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 17/12/2016 19:22

Fanny, you said 'Many who do not work'. You are now saying if everyone on MN works, you are wrong and you will take back your comment.... Your first comment is not proved right by everyone on MN having a job.... You do see that?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 17/12/2016 19:37

Oh ignore fanny. Anyone who can't tell the difference between many, all and none cannot be reasoned with.

Catlady1976 · 17/12/2016 19:38

fanny I worked for 16 years before having DC. Most Sah do it for a short time only in their working life.

headinhands · 17/12/2016 19:43

This is between you and your brother. That's where it starts and ends. I've yet to see a thread on MN, or hear about a similar Christmas dispute any where else between a bloke and his brother-in-law. Having a fanjo doesn't mean you take the responsibly/weight of present buying.

maddiemookins16mum · 17/12/2016 19:45

Eh, so she's not working but sending out Christmas lists. YANBU.

AMillionMilesFromThere · 17/12/2016 19:46

Op are you my sil?

My sil cannot stand me and one of her gazillion reasons is because I have never worked since being married to dh. (Her brother).

Never mind that I do 100% of the household chores. Never mind that I have been raising our children and currently am pregnant with our third! never mind that I have helped and supported him through building his unemployed patch and helping him build a business from scratch. Never mind any of that! I'm a swanning coffee drinking 'lazy arse'! (Her words used to describe me exactly!)

She recently suggested to dh (in an offhand oh so casual manner of course) that I pay half for the tickets we had booked for a trip abroad, out of my personal spends. Hmm dh laughed it off as though she was joking. I knew she wasn't.

Op, Please step away from your brother and his girlfriends personal living arrangement. Your thinly disguised contempt might escalate to the point where your db goes no contact with you , like my dh has with his sister.

headinhands · 17/12/2016 19:47

The brother sent it

Catlady1976 · 17/12/2016 19:47

I also try and spend extra on my single unemployed sister. She deserves it.

Catlady1976 · 17/12/2016 19:50

really Maddie that is harsh and as others have said the brother sent it.

AMillionMilesFromThere · 17/12/2016 19:51

*helped him through his unemployed patch, that should read. I didn't help build his unemployed patch ! But maybe sil blames me for that too Grin

Catlady1976 · 17/12/2016 20:01

I feel your pain a million miles

GoofyTheHero · 17/12/2016 20:08

Gosh. I'm a SAHM and 'kept' by my DH. SIL sent me an extra special gift last year saying 'you deserve it because you never get anything for yourself'. She's lovely. You sound, well, less lovely.

maddiemookins16mum · 17/12/2016 20:09

He might have "sent it", but still "her list".

GoofyTheHero · 17/12/2016 20:13

Maybe a list she put together for him and his request, which he passed on?
My dad wouldn't dream of giving me a list, but his partner asked him for one. She passed the list on to me in case I needed ideas. Very helpful it was too.

BraveDancing · 17/12/2016 20:51

I thought lists were normal. All my family hate them, so I know I'm getting them something they actually want. I'm not psychic and otherwise I'd not have a clue what BiL, for example, wants or already has, as I tend to only see him five or six times a year.

mimishimmi · 17/12/2016 21:05

My SiL stays at home with her three children under 5. She does the odd bit of work for her family who run motels and catering businesses but not much. I don't resent her for not working ... how odd. It's a private agreement between my brother and his wife and has nothing to do with me! She's an excellent mum and I don't begrudge her the odd cup of coffee (excellent Italian coffee from her rellies by the way). Rather, I'm quite thankful she's looking after them because if they were both fulltime I suspect there would be a lot more demands on my ageing parents who live close by and are not in the best of health.

FannyThat · 17/12/2016 21:05

OP you've made the mistake of asking this on a forum consisting of many (but by no means all)

If there are no members of MN at all that don't work/have never worked, I will take back my comment

Confused not sure what you're confused about there? So you're taking offence to me saying there are members of MN who don't work... how odd.

Mrsfrumble · 17/12/2016 21:05

Most Sah do it for a short time only in their working life.

Yes. I don't know a single woman who has never worked in paid employment, on MN or in real life. And casually equating being a SAHM with having never had a job is disingenuous and goady.

I don't understand why an unemployed person shouldn't have a list of presents they'd prefer in circumstances where people customarily buy each other gifts (like Christmas). Has the OP's brother actually told her that they are on a tight budget, or has the OP just assumed that's the case?

FannyThat · 17/12/2016 21:09

I know plenty of women who have never worked. They do exist. I also know plenty of women out of work, they too exist.

Being in a position where someone is kind enough to consider you may not want to splurge on gifts and then handing over a Christmas list is unfortunate.

Mrsfrumble · 17/12/2016 21:22

Wow! Do they get married straight out of school or university? To husbands who are already earning enough to support them? I'm genuinely intrigued! Even the women I know from my mother's generation, who never worked outside the home after having children, had jobs before their first child was born.

With regard to the OP, my interpretation was that The SIL wasn't demanding everything on the list; it was simply a list of suggestions that OP can choose from if she wants. Unless the OP and her brother have actually discussed and agreed to spend less due to their circumstances, then it doesn't seem unreasonable to me.

There have been many years where DH and I have agreed with family members to keep to an arranged budget because money is tight for one party and they/we don't want to feel awkward. We wouldn't just make an assumption without discussing it first. Unfortunately I suspect OP won't be back to clarify...

FannyThat · 17/12/2016 21:51

Mrsfrumble many different people make up this earth, it is no surprise that you don't know all of them nor are you aware of each individual's circumstances so perhaps you shouldn't be so shocked.

Personally, as I've said I know many women who have never worked for varying reasons. Why is that a bad thing? Confused

Mrsfrumble · 17/12/2016 22:50

I don't think it's bad. I just would have thought it very unusual in this day and age, for an adult to have never worked in paid employment and been supported by their spouse the whole time.

But you're right. I don't know everyone.

YorkshireLass2012 · 17/12/2016 23:11

I am in my thirties and have a Christmas list. It has about five items on it max and the budget is modest. I only share it when asked to and drew it up as I keep being told I am very difficult to buy for! 😕 It saves my loved ones from stressing about what to buy me and I can pick something which I would really would like to receive.

OP, it is very thoughtful of you to try and alleviate financial pressure on your DB. But do you know for a fact, he is struggling? Also, it doesn't sound like you like your DB's girlfriend much. The value of the requested items comes into play a bit here IMO But you do sound like you are wearing a pair of judge-y pants to me I'm afraid. It's between your DB and his GF how they deal with their finances. Suggest you focus on something else more positive for your own sake and enjoy this festive season.

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