To think very few men are going to want to date a single mum to 4 children?

[Littlelamplight]

I'm posting in AIBU because I'm prepared for your brutal truths.

I've been single for 2 years. Four children by two men. One a marriage and the other a short term relationship. I work, ok financially but not particularly wealthy.

In the last six months I've started going out more with my single friends and online dating. I don't think I'm bad looking, I keep myself in shape and I do have 2 nights a week childfree.

I'm not getting anywhere and the sticking point is the kids. I know it is even when it's not said out loud. And I get it, 4 kids is massive, it's daunting and there are lots of other women out there with less baggage.

I've been trying to stay stoic but I don't know Xmas is coming and I'm suddenly feeling really lonely. I have this crashing premonition of being alone for the rest of my life and it's terrifying.

I don't need a stepfather for my kids, their dads are brilliant and I'm really lucky with that. But as soon as I say "4 kids" men just go cold or just want to keep it casual (sex).

So tell me straight because my friends keep saying oh you'll find someone etc but they have to say that really don't know. I need people to be upfront so I can face up to it, accept the reality and get on with things.

NameChanger - I do agree with much of what you say. I think when you've found that you can be happy alone, you realise you don't need a man and certainly don't need to be tied to someone who you are less than happy with and who provides an inadequate model of a relationship for children.

Yes, it's hard to find someone who wants what you want. That's what it's about, more than the children. If you were childless and looking for love you'd be looking for someone who had the same life vision as you. It's the same now you have children.

The hardest thing is being a mum and also having your own needs and trying to find a partner who wants to be with you whilst you are both mum and lover. But there are men out there who are happy to do that. Yes, many will be running away from responsibility on internet dating sites. But you have to filter through them and find out right from the start if the children matter to them. If they are dismissive of your kids, then you know they aren't right for you straight away.

Some men are also single parents or sharing custody with ex's so they get it too - they're in a similar boat. You just have to ask the right questions early on to see if they want what you want.

And of course, you need to know what you want yourself first...

smelly

namechanger my mum had 4 longish term relationships in a 12 year period. I would say that is not a shortage but it isn't excessive either. She didn't live with any of the men but we were introduced to them after a few months of dating.

I've a date tonight. He knows Ive kids obviously. Never hidden that. I dont talk about them much though because it's another side of me that i bring to a date.

This man also 45 but his kids are adults. He's lucky.

Men who have got over the age of 30 with no children and no long term relationships usually have something wrong with them

Id redo this to 35 but is definitely true!

I wouldn't want a relationship with a man who was the rp with 4 DCs.

And I'll have to admit a reason for me staying in a relationship has partially been because I wouldn't want the kind of man who'd want to take on my baggage.

At some point you have to just accept the way your life has panned out.

Yes perhaps 35 is a bit fairer!

DH was 36 when I met him. Hadn't been married and no kids. He'd really focused on his career, then met me and realised what was missing happily married now for 2 years so not every single man over 35 has issues.

Sorry, but saying everyone before any given age has some sort of issue that keeps them single is clearly bollocks. There are lots of healthy, well adjusted men who find themselves single, because life doesn't always work the way we think it will.

And one other thing. Your children are not baggage, and you shouldn't describe them as such. We haven't been able to have them so far, and it looks doubtful we ever will. We would love to be able to have what you are basically complaining about.

I think you will meet somebody but it'll be somebody who knows you, doesn't just see single mum of 4. If I saw a lot of my life written down is run a mile but if you knew me you'd know it's fine actually.

I wouldn't bother with old you have to have the skin of a rhino not to be insulted on a daily basis ... I even had one sanctamonious twat tell me my son would think I was a slag and to go back to my husband.

How do people meet people if not old and they don't work?

That's why I went back to work tbh. Nobody's going to knock the front door are they ?

I've seen single friends with no kids struggle to find someone and friends with six kids meet someone quite quickly and settle down.

I think childless women have more chances, in general, to meet men because tend to have a bit more free time / single friends to meet them via. So it does make it harder, but probs not for the reasons you'd imagine. Also, child free women are magnets for different sorts of dickheads and wankers so get dumped just as often!