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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think very few men are going to want to date a single mum to 4 children?

163 replies

Littlelamplight · 16/12/2016 18:21

I'm posting in AIBU because I'm prepared for your brutal truths.

I've been single for 2 years. Four children by two men. One a marriage and the other a short term relationship. I work, ok financially but not particularly wealthy.

In the last six months I've started going out more with my single friends and online dating. I don't think I'm bad looking, I keep myself in shape and I do have 2 nights a week childfree.

I'm not getting anywhere and the sticking point is the kids. I know it is even when it's not said out loud. And I get it, 4 kids is massive, it's daunting and there are lots of other women out there with less baggage.

I've been trying to stay stoic but I don't know Xmas is coming and I'm suddenly feeling really lonely. I have this crashing premonition of being alone for the rest of my life and it's terrifying.

I don't need a stepfather for my kids, their dads are brilliant and I'm really lucky with that. But as soon as I say "4 kids" men just go cold or just want to keep it casual (sex).

So tell me straight because my friends keep saying oh you'll find someone etc but they have to say that really don't know. I need people to be upfront so I can face up to it, accept the reality and get on with things.

OP posts:
Mummy2two25 · 17/12/2016 11:08

Of course there is someone out there for everyone just because you havent met him yet doesnt mean you wont I think you should just enjoy being single for now and the right guy will come along eventually

HormonalChicken · 17/12/2016 11:43

I split with my x 3 1/2 years ago, the father of my 3 dc, one with additional needs. I had a few flings until I got together with my partner almost 2 years ago. He's 3 years younger as were most of the guys interested in me then, but most of them were too immature. Tbf so was my dp but I knew he had potential and now I'm expecting his first. He's known the children all their lives and they have accepted him easily, he loves them so much and has so much input and time for them. I always thought I'd be alone and was happy with that, I just wanted to be with the dc, but he's changed everything for me, including my Ds when he had a nappy explosion at the swimming pool, he must really love us! Grin

NameChanger22 · 17/12/2016 11:46

Sorry, but there isn't someone for everyone. I think the chances of finding a nice man are very slim, given that the majority of men aren't nice men. Then you have to factor in that many eligible men are gay, so that lessens your chances further. Finally most men are in a relationship, so that only leaves a tiny number. Out of those you have to find one that doesn't mind dating a single mum with four children. The handful that are left are either butt ugly or have massive problems.

Good luck OP. I don't fancy your chances. You will be far happier if you change your mind about what you want in life.

bloodymincepiez · 17/12/2016 11:56

Lol NameChanger

GoofyTheHero · 17/12/2016 11:57

Well, I have to ask! How do you have so many? Never heard of condoms?

Err... her and her partner wanted that many?

DixieNormas · 17/12/2016 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DorindaJ · 17/12/2016 13:17

I think if you would like a relationship, then, as others have said, keep looking, you only need to have things work out with one lovely bloke.

OLD may be the way to go, perhaps mention kids generally in the profile and like previous posters have said 'if it is a problem, please don't get in contact') You may not get volume, but someone as seemingly genuine and with her life sorted will hopefully meet someone nice.

The thing about OLD is it takes patience and you do have to be committed to going on a fair few first introduction dates, as there is no substitute for meeting someone.

Best of luck, you stand as good a chance as anyone else. And lots of people are successful and find someone suitable. I hope this happens for you too.

SecretSeven · 17/12/2016 13:19

Good luck OP. I don't fancy your chances. You will be far happier if you change your mind about what you want in life.

You sound a bit like Eeyore.

Littlelamplight, don't let other people dictate whether you will meet someone or not. There are lots of nice men, who are single for whatever reason. It's just a numbers game really. Just enjoy yourself, and do things that feel good.

PeachBellini123 · 17/12/2016 13:28

Namechanger - you sound like a ray of sunshine Hmm

OP a friend of mine has 3 kids. Met someone after her ex walked out who has two kids of his own. They are a very happy blended family.

NameChanger22 · 17/12/2016 13:52

SecretSeven and PeachBellini123

Thanks, I am a ray of sunshine. I think being manless is a wonderful thing. I am thankful every day that I live in a country where I don't have to have a man in my life. I value my freedom so much.

i understand you have a different perspective and have been conditioned to think otherwise and some people find it hard to think differently and get past their brainwashing. Many women would be far happier and full of sunshine if they could too.

lottieandmia · 17/12/2016 13:56

I think it's true that most men are not very nice actually. I think most of the decent men go in their early 20s and what's left is people with attachment disorders or addictions.

Men who have got over the age of 30 with no children and no long term relationships usually have something wrong with them.

SecretSeven · 17/12/2016 14:14

That's ridiculous. Early twenties is no age at all to have children these days. Modern life can make it very difficult to meet people, and for a large number careers come first when they are young.

I think if you believe that all men are going to have something wrong with them past a given age, that it's true. But only for you, because that's the belief. A healthy man would give you a wide berth, and with good reason.

lottieandmia · 17/12/2016 14:21

Not all men, but a lot are. Everyone I know says the same.

lottieandmia · 17/12/2016 14:24

All my friends who have the best most lucrative careers met their husbands when they were at university and all of them are still together. Don't insult me just because I'm giving my opinion of many of the men who've I've met via online dating. Don't suggest it's my fault a lot of them were arse holes.

SecretSeven · 17/12/2016 14:27

I imagine if they share your views they are most likely single.

And if they aren't, they are agreeing with you because they are bored about you whinging about the quality of the men you meet and want to move onto a new subject. Sorry to sound so harsh, but there you go.

If you are bitter, the only things that want to meet you are mosquitos. And they're after your blood!

lottieandmia · 17/12/2016 14:30

Well you know an awful lot about someone you've never met Hmm you have no right to deny any of us our experiences SecretSeven.

I'm not bitter. Like a PP I'm quite happy to be alone. My ex who was my last LTR wants me back. But I'm not keen to get back with him because since we broke up, I've raised my standards of what I'm prepared to put up with.

mumofthemonsters808 · 17/12/2016 14:44

Lottie, your post sums up my thoughts, I agree with you.

strugglingstepdad · 17/12/2016 14:45

As a guy who is engaged to a wonderful woman with 4 kids I think I can say be a bit more up front on your profiles about the kids.

Men read the profiles and assume no kids because they've not been mentioned. You'll find a lot more positive experience if you add that detail as you'll get the messages from men who are more comfortable with you having kids.

Good luck with it and remember sometimes you have to kiss some frogs to find your prince Smile

Suburbopolis · 17/12/2016 15:13

On pof it asks. It's one of the details that is filled in for you. Also on OKcupid, you can see who has kids. It's useful I think. I never message anybody who says they want kids especially if they don't already have a child.

I was about to message some guy earlier, and I realised that at 48 he has no children and wants them so I quicklyl abandoned my message.

Mildinsanity · 17/12/2016 15:23

Maybe a message of hope.

I could have written your post, 4DC 3 from a marriage and one from a 3yr long relationship all under 10yrs old.

Dating as a single parent is difficult, but the feeling of loneliness is horrible, I didnt want sex or a casual relationship I missed the intimacy of a relationship.

I tried online dating and met many, many frogs some wanted casual, some were alright till they found out I had 4 DC.

I didnt want a father figure for my DCs as they have their dads who are very involved.

In the end I thought stuff it and made my profile quite upfront, explained specifically what I wanted and how things were.

Ended up meeting my DP we now have a buisness together, live together and are planning a wedding.

Its not been an easy ride, DP never wanted children but he always accepted my situation and has grown to love my DCs like his own.

There are decent men out there dont give up hope.

Boolovessulley · 17/12/2016 15:23

Yes some old sites do specify whether you have children.
I'm a woman so o can't speak for men, but I didn't want to date anyone without children.

I also didn't want to date a man with full custody of young children.
Sounds harsh but the reason is because I have full custody so thought it would just be too stressful.

I did meet someone on line and it's great, so keep trying.

Suburbopolis · 17/12/2016 15:25

lottie I agree with you. I sometimes wonder is it extreme foolishness on my part to be optimistic and to keep trying!?

I am happy with my life so calling me or anybody like me bitter when he has not experienced internet dating as a woman is just lazy thinking and too easy and it's ''blaming''.

I've been lead up the garden path a few times by men who said they wanted a real relationship etc then they've bailed so quickly they must have whiplash. I know it's them not me but I agree with you Lottie that there is definitely a higher percentage of men with attachment disorders on line. I have met and had a relationship with a lovely dismissive Avoidant (torture, I had to walk away). I also met, and eventually stopped responding to the very sporadic communications of a lovely, funny, intelligent but terrified fearful Avoidant! I've also dated a nice man who just had so many options he got a bit bored and checked out. Fine, no loss really. Then I dated a man whose circs seemed to match my own and I was v hopeful, I clicked with him, but he decided after 8 weeks he'd go back on line and have another look around the shop. A few weeks later he tried to undo that decision but I was single and happy so I said no thank you and blocked him! I've met about six or 7 since then. I liked two of them. One was unavailable. I won't elaborate. The other one i liked, we went on a second date and then he told me he was too depressed to date, after seeming fine earlier. Not sure if it was a 'kind' rejection. Who knows. And still I am not bitter. Still I am optimisitic! Shock I'm chatting with somebody who who apparently lives around the corner from me now. He is my age though and so I don't know if he is thinking he'll just chat to [her] but go off to meet a younger one. So we'll see. Not only am I not bitter but my optimism surprises me sometimes. It is not based on past experience!

Suburbopolis · 17/12/2016 15:27

Good to hear that boolovesulley! Haven't given up yet!

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/12/2016 15:34

lottieandmia

You have some 'interesting' views, but some of us men are single because
(like you) we have had shit relationships with women. I know that its a shock but It does happen.

leaveittothediva · 17/12/2016 15:43

May the odds be ever in your favor. That's all I have. Grin

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