Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think very few men are going to want to date a single mum to 4 children?

163 replies

Littlelamplight · 16/12/2016 18:21

I'm posting in AIBU because I'm prepared for your brutal truths.

I've been single for 2 years. Four children by two men. One a marriage and the other a short term relationship. I work, ok financially but not particularly wealthy.

In the last six months I've started going out more with my single friends and online dating. I don't think I'm bad looking, I keep myself in shape and I do have 2 nights a week childfree.

I'm not getting anywhere and the sticking point is the kids. I know it is even when it's not said out loud. And I get it, 4 kids is massive, it's daunting and there are lots of other women out there with less baggage.

I've been trying to stay stoic but I don't know Xmas is coming and I'm suddenly feeling really lonely. I have this crashing premonition of being alone for the rest of my life and it's terrifying.

I don't need a stepfather for my kids, their dads are brilliant and I'm really lucky with that. But as soon as I say "4 kids" men just go cold or just want to keep it casual (sex).

So tell me straight because my friends keep saying oh you'll find someone etc but they have to say that really don't know. I need people to be upfront so I can face up to it, accept the reality and get on with things.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 16/12/2016 18:33

Ugh at saved game. Hope you told him to go and play super Mario somewhere else

bloodymincepiez · 16/12/2016 18:34

While I know what the poster meant, yes, you are always going to have four children.

marvelousdcomics · 16/12/2016 18:35

It can happen. I have 3 - dd(15), ds1(13) and ds2(11). All from 1 dad, who we don't speak to at all. Met dp just after ds2 was born and he is amazing. It can happen sometimes, but overall yanbu

Willyoujustbequiet · 16/12/2016 18:35

Yabu my friend found a wonderful man....she has 7!!!

It only takes one. Keep faith.

Original poster
Littlelamplight · 16/12/2016 18:35

I'm 33

OP posts:
Temporaryanonymity · 16/12/2016 18:36

How old are they? I'm single and have two children. They are both primary aged. Although I can get sitters etc it isn't easy and most men I date want the freedom to go out whenever, weekends away etc which I'm not able to do. That said, I have just met someone who gets it but he has three of his own.

I've been single for four years and actually I've been happy to keep things casual, and during this time I've had a lot of fun with someone who hasn't wanted commitment but has become a member of my wonky family. While my children are young I'm reluctant to live with a man, but he has come on holidays with us.

In four years then I've met two men. I don't regret the four years I spent with the one who didn't want commitment. I didn't either, but I still wanted nights out, companionship and sex. This latest one is someone I could imagine committing to properly and I guess with three of his own children as well as mine it is only sensible to take things really slowly.

So, all in all I think there will be someone for you but probably best not to look for a man to marry or live with but friends you can socialise. The rest will follow.

Suburbopolis · 16/12/2016 18:37

In 18 months of on line dating i've had two men fall at the final hurdle if you see what I mean. We went out, we clicked, we had fun, they told me they liked me, I thought I'd met somebody! we had dinner, we chatted, laughed, slept together ...... then, when the point came to say, "right, this would be easier and more practical if I could have you over to the house , so are you planning to 'stick' " they bailed. Twice that's happened to me. Different men. Same trigger for bailing.

Do your children's dads every have them? Mind does not. Well, so rarely it's useless to me. My eldest is a young teenager. I couldn't leave them over night, ever.

Slarti · 16/12/2016 18:38

"I once had a guy boy say to me dating a women with kids is like continuing another mans saved game."

Fixed that for you Wink

FriendofBill · 16/12/2016 18:39

I think it's you who has the problem.
A problem of perception.
Start looking at your children as assets not baggage.
Can't believe people talking about when they are grown up!
Enjoy every minute.
Date at your child free times, keep your children separate and communicate the positives! about how amazing they are, all the spirit and excitement they bring!

And anyone who is put off by that can fuck off jog on!

FriendofBill · 16/12/2016 18:40

"I once had a guy boy twat say to me dating a women with kids is like continuing another mans saved game."

Grin
Dinnerout1 · 16/12/2016 18:41

I think your over reacting about it all feint about how many kids you have tbh. I knew a woman who had 7 kids off 3 blokes and all kids ages ranging from 1-10. Anyway she found a nice loving caring man and they had a baby together and then he proposed which is lovely for the women who thought she would never find her Prince Charming. They married 10 years ago, they only had a boy together but they are happy very very happy and all the other kids are happy too. It works for some people so don't let it drag you down. To find the right bloke you need patience.. Online dating is good as any other so keep trying or find other places of interest to meet blokes. Just remember these children deserve a mother that is happy within herself, and can take it or leave it. Trust me when you really look for it it's not there but if you chill and take your time your find your Prince Charming. Good luck x

SantasJockstrap · 16/12/2016 18:42

And dwell on the things that are fab about being single

At least when I was single I could guarantee a relaxing bath time, these days I put the bath on to run, and he will dip in there and go for a shit. Completely ruined the atmosphere of my bubble bath

OptimisticSix · 16/12/2016 18:47

YANBU there are not many but there are men out there. I met my husband when I was a single mum of three! I'd say just keep looking. You don't need many, you just need one special one. They exist it might just be harder for you to find.

ChocoChou · 16/12/2016 18:51

Hi OP,
I was a single mum for around 7 years. I totally fell in love with a guy who told me he never wanted children. It was my own fault because he was up front from the beginning but I loved spending time with him and wondered if maybe he would change his mind (he never met my DC tho)
After nearly 4 years of me hanging on to this stupid false hope I met my (now) DH. He also has children and treats my DC as his own. It really does happen!
The thing that you and I have in our favour unlike many of my single friends (I'm also 33) is that we have already had children so don't have that tick tock of doom going on inside us... my single friends that struggle to find someone are also panicking thinking that they may never have children which is a whoooole other subject.

Frouby · 16/12/2016 18:51

I am the oldest out of 6. Mum was in her own from me being 18 the youngest 7. She met the love of her life when the youngeat was about 10. Married him when youngest was 16. My sister had 3 dcs. 3 rowdy lads and the oldest was a pita teenager with a few unresolved issues when she met him. They now have their own dd, he has been a more steadying influence on the 3 boys than their own useless father.

It is difficult I won't lie. But the right person will be out there. I would never have thought that my mam would remarry. She wasn't even actively looking. Neither was my sister come to think of it.

Christmas is always an emotional time and things always seem more difficult if you are struggling with some aspect of your life. Enjoy your dcs and a Christmas as your own little family unit and think of the positives in your life. Like your own bed!

JudithTaverner · 16/12/2016 18:53

I think the right person is out there for us all.

I've been OLD for just over a year and have had a couple of relationships in that time. I have more than 4 children and am in my 40s. I think you will find someone. Agree, your children are an asset.

Suburbopolis · 16/12/2016 18:54

FriendofBill. That's a bit supercilious. I am a good mother, love my kids but I'm lonely for the company of an adult. I have friends but I've been single for a decade (with a few short breaks).

Telling people to dwell on what's good about single is not helpful. There are many things that are good about being single, and I wouldn't give them up for any old person, but people are hardwired to connect.

Suburbopolis · 16/12/2016 18:57

I've been OLD for about 18 months and I have delevoped a much thicker skin now. I have met about 6 people since October.

I do still have some optimism, the right person is out there I agree Judith.

SecretSeven · 16/12/2016 19:00

So long as you keep looking, you will find someone.

I had a partner for a long time who had three children, two at 10 when we met, and one at 16. The children didn't put me off, but then one night she ended up getting drunk and DTD with a plumber from Croydon. It was a sign it wasn't working out, but that's OK. She was nice.

I'm with someone else now, but when I was looking for her I wouldn't have been put off if she had children. Go online, and write to everyone. That's all I did. Maybe one reply in fifty, and one date out of five message exchanges. It was great fun.

Happy Christmas and happy hunting! Grin

Frouby · 16/12/2016 19:03

Erm I think I was a bit helpful and gave a bit of hope to the OP in the form of a couple of RL examples of single parents finding the 'one' when they have 3+ dcs.

Unless she meets someone in a Love Actually style whirlwind romance she is likely to be single over Christmas. Whats wrong with suggesting she see the positives rather than drown herself in the baileys?

Original poster
Littlelamplight · 16/12/2016 19:06

I'm still here, just reading replies and faking it in.

I know that being single has its positives and I would never give that for just anyone (I'm watching reruns of Gilmore girls and eating toast for diner as an example Wink)

But I miss male contact.

OP posts:
MeTehOne · 16/12/2016 19:13

Maybe it's harder to find a partner if you have kids while you are still young as kid-adverse men will think there will be women of your age about without kids . If you were older then more women would have kids so there would be less options iyswim

I think four kids would definitely put a lot of potential partners off but there isn't much you can do about it. You just have to be patient and see how things go. Plenty of women with kids find partners so it's definitely possible.

Would you be put off if a man has little kids because I know I would. Confused. I know that seems a bit unreasonable but it's what I would thinking...

Are there dating sites for parents?

Thisjustinno · 16/12/2016 19:23

I'd be put off if on-line dating, it would be one of those things I'd use as a filter.

But I absolutely adore a wonderful man I vaguely work with who has 3 children he has 50/50 with his ex wife. He is truly wonderful and I'd consider myself a very lucky woman if he wanted to be with me so it's entirely possible someone may think the same of you.

FriendofBill · 16/12/2016 19:25

I don't mean to be brash.
But if you meet people with the attitude you are displaying here 'Very few people will partner me because of my children' then that's how they will meet you.

I suggested you compartmentalise dating/adult time from your children time, and focus on enjoying your child free time.

Or don't!
You can keep your belief system and maybe when they are grown up you might be fortunate enough to meet a one in a million who'll tolerate you all.

FriendofBill · 16/12/2016 19:27

I agree Frouby.
State of mind!

Swipe left for the next trending thread