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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think very few men are going to want to date a single mum to 4 children?

163 replies

Littlelamplight · 16/12/2016 18:21

I'm posting in AIBU because I'm prepared for your brutal truths.

I've been single for 2 years. Four children by two men. One a marriage and the other a short term relationship. I work, ok financially but not particularly wealthy.

In the last six months I've started going out more with my single friends and online dating. I don't think I'm bad looking, I keep myself in shape and I do have 2 nights a week childfree.

I'm not getting anywhere and the sticking point is the kids. I know it is even when it's not said out loud. And I get it, 4 kids is massive, it's daunting and there are lots of other women out there with less baggage.

I've been trying to stay stoic but I don't know Xmas is coming and I'm suddenly feeling really lonely. I have this crashing premonition of being alone for the rest of my life and it's terrifying.

I don't need a stepfather for my kids, their dads are brilliant and I'm really lucky with that. But as soon as I say "4 kids" men just go cold or just want to keep it casual (sex).

So tell me straight because my friends keep saying oh you'll find someone etc but they have to say that really don't know. I need people to be upfront so I can face up to it, accept the reality and get on with things.

OP posts:

YorkiesGlasses · 16/12/2016 19:29

Five years ago my ex told me I'd regret leaving him because only desperate men take on other men's 'sloppy seconds'. He's now moving in with his new girlfriend - and her three children!

I haven't said anything, I wouldn't be that disrespectful to his partner, but I do wonder if he remembers actually saying it...

GravyAndShite · 16/12/2016 19:31

FriendofBill Has it spot on. Just to add - you are correct. Very few will want to date a woman with 4 kids, luckily you don't even want to find a few - just the one.

On your next date stop saying I hope he likes me and start asking I wonder if I'll like him?

Temporaryname137 · 16/12/2016 19:31

YANBU, from what I hear from friends in a similar situation. BUT most of them have gone on to find someone, it just took a bit longer. You might just need to filter through a few more profiles.

I have a male friend who is newly divorced and desperate to meet someone with children as he regrets not having them, but he's late 50's and so most of the women he is meeting have children who grew up long ago - he was telling me that he finds the attitude of not wanting to raise someone else's kids baffling but more prevalent than it should be.

GravyAndShite · 16/12/2016 19:32

YorkiesGlasses

Well done on being the bigger person not sure I would have been

debbs77 · 16/12/2016 19:35

I'm a single mum of six. I met someone lovely, didn't mind the kids, didn't mind that I could go out on dates. But I ended it as he has too many of his own mental health issues. And I'm gutted!

ShowMePotatoSalad · 16/12/2016 19:49

There are men out there who are strong enough to take on 4 kids. And you do have to be strong. My DH has 2 kids from a previous relationship. The kids are lovely and they deserve only the best in life. They didn't ask me to come along and be in their lives, and I'm always mindful and respectful of that fact. It's not always easy, admittedly, but it's worth it.

When I first met DH I knew he had kids but it didn't put me off. He deserved to have a relationship and not spend forever alone. He's a wonderful person and a great dad. It's not easy sometimes admittedly, but it's worth it. We now have a DS together who absolutely loves his 2 older half brothers.

Would you get in to a relationship with someone who has kids of their own? Because there will be a lot of single dads out there. You'd end up with a massive family. But the more the merrier

Suburbopolis · 16/12/2016 19:52

I wonder if I'm too optimistic. Every time I click well with somebody and the attraction and the connection seems real, and they claim they're looking for a relationship and want things to work out and there's no obvious incompatibility, I just have faith, I feel like I should give it a whirl. But going out for dinner with somebody and having a laugh is easy.

StandAndBeCounted · 16/12/2016 19:55

Thanks for posting this. I am a mum of 4, all from the same dad and I think about leaving my DH a lot. It never really crossed my mind whether or not I would meet someone else. But looking at it from your point of view I think, God! I think I could only be on my own for a couple of years (although don't get me wrong they'd be a GREAT couple of years!) before I would want to meet someone new and what if I couldn't? Would I rather be with him than no one?

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 16/12/2016 20:08

Op I really don't think you can pin these things down, I mean childless beautiful friends struggle to meet someone decent! I truly believe if and when it happens it happens.

I read a lovely story about how two people met on a bench - watching their dc play - both divorced ( one may have been widowed) and it was lovely. Both thought that was it for them. Look at all the famous people with huge families and don't have any issues finding a husband, of course its easier with child care, nannies etc but still...

Suburbopolis · 16/12/2016 20:39

standandbecounted well I left my x (nearly a decade ago) knowing that even if I never met anybody else I'd still prefer to be single (and maybe single and lonely, I did not know what the future held or how I'd cope) with a future with him!

So if you have doubts, it's harder to make a decision. I don't mind being single. I would just prefer to meet somebody and for it to work.

MrsMattBomer · 16/12/2016 20:52

I think you should enjoy your single life, really.

I say this because I was just enjoying a candle-lit bath with the lights dimmed and my nice music on, when DP came in, turned on the light so he could have a shit and then said "Did you know one of your breasts is lop-sided?"

We've been married 20-odd years...

StandAndBeCounted · 16/12/2016 21:24

Thanks Suburb I do have doubts. I guess I'll just have to wait until I don't have any either way.

OopsDearyMe · 16/12/2016 21:54

Darling I have three and did find if I mentioned them on the profile, I go few responses, but if I left if till I got responses I got more replies and guys who were still cool with me having kids. I think depending on your age (I'm 30 something) most men expect you to have children. I think men think you are all about the kids if you mention it on the profile, this way you are showing your a woman in your own right and you have kids too not the other way round.

User1987654 · 16/12/2016 21:57

Well, most men will see four kids as a huge amount of responsibility to take on and automatically think of the financial burden. This is what would be putting a lot of guys off. I think you need to stress that in your case, the dads are brilliant at being involved in their lives and are financially supporting them. It helps if you are employed or could get a job.
Other than worrying about supporting you and four kids. It would be freedom to go out. So having access to a reliable baby sitter.

Your best bet would be single fathers with children of their own. Perhaps look for single parent groups you could join or sign up to single parent dating, that kind of thing.

You are lucky in that your kids fathers are still on the scene and I suspect financially supporting them. I think perhaps stressing that would help. Do you work? Again, that wpuod

OopsDearyMe · 16/12/2016 22:01

I cannot believe how many women on here are being so negative. Babes you need to remember you are a catch, the kids are also a bonus not baggage and that any guy who gets to spend time with them is bloody lucky. Guys are basically animals and they will pick up on your worrying, if you make something an issue so will they if you don't they won't either. Simples xxx

GravyAndShite · 16/12/2016 22:04

OopsDearyMe, how do you know babes, oops I mean OP, is a catch. What vacuous bulshit are you spouting!?

Guys are basically animals. What on earth would one want to get into a relationship with an animal.

What an odd post.

PrincessConsuelaTheSecond · 16/12/2016 22:10

It's certainly harder so YANBU.

My friend had to kiss a few frogs before she found a good un - she has four kids from her marriage, two of them are ASD so can be a bit of a handful.

She's happy now though after two years single!

natwebb79 · 16/12/2016 22:12

My friend was widowed when her partner took his own life last year. She has 4 children and has just met an amazing man who loves her, kids and all. Keep the faith.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 16/12/2016 22:22

I know someone with 3 dc (2 xp) who ended up as a single parent. She's met someone and will be marrying him soon.

I think it helps if you have support from family to be able to have some time as a new couple.

user1481835600 · 16/12/2016 22:26

I have one child and it is as a result of rape and men will not go near me. Before I had a child I was asked out weekly and had men falling over me!!
Men don't want to date women with children.

But, I've found once a man has got to know you he isn't as bothered. He sees past the kids thing.

My close friend has four children by four different dads as she was quite wild in her youth. She's married now to a lovely educated man who has no children of his own.

She met him in a train station and said to him that she was flattered he asked her on a date but she had four children and wanted him to be aware of her baggage before agreeing to a date.

And he picked up his suitcase and said 'this is baggage, your children arent'. They are married now.

There's someone for everyone.

I'm actually fussier now I have a child.

datingbarb · 16/12/2016 22:30

I'm a single mum of 4 (2 different dads) ages 14,12,10 & 2

I totally understand where your coming from OP as I'm currently getting out there dating again and I do worry that 4 kids is to much!

But I just remind myself if it's a problem then they are not the guy for me and move on!

Like you I have a home, job, car I finance myself, I don't need a man to do these things but would like someone in my life

Don't give up hope, enjoy dating and just go with it

SecretSeven · 16/12/2016 22:30

OopsDearyMe has a good point. When I was doing my online dating, I don't think I ever contacted a woman who included pictures of her kids or too many references to her kids in their profile. I was always totally happy with it, but it's a strange way to introduce yourself.

Besides which, I think it's unfair to plaster pictures of your children online. You made the choice to put your details on those websites, but they couldn't.

BrightonBelleCat · 16/12/2016 22:32

I have 3 children 2 dads. I was by myself for a very very long time. By accident I met my dp, who has kids himself. We get married next year. I wasn't looking for a relationship but I was lonely and everyone kept saying 'oh it's when you least expect it' that's the one cliche in my life that has turned out to be true. There is someone out there for you OP x

Rainydayspending · 16/12/2016 22:32

At the time only 2 children. But my husband was amazing i was at the time only casually dating as I was resigned to being happily single.
But I knew h was someone i could only take seriously.
He's been fantastic.
He's one of four and has a step dad who he gets on brilliantly and a great relationship with his dad and step mother too.
It does happen!

user1481835600 · 16/12/2016 22:33

I can see if from a different angle too. I could never be a step mum so would never date a man with children.

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