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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think very few men are going to want to date a single mum to 4 children?

163 replies

Littlelamplight · 16/12/2016 18:21

I'm posting in AIBU because I'm prepared for your brutal truths.

I've been single for 2 years. Four children by two men. One a marriage and the other a short term relationship. I work, ok financially but not particularly wealthy.

In the last six months I've started going out more with my single friends and online dating. I don't think I'm bad looking, I keep myself in shape and I do have 2 nights a week childfree.

I'm not getting anywhere and the sticking point is the kids. I know it is even when it's not said out loud. And I get it, 4 kids is massive, it's daunting and there are lots of other women out there with less baggage.

I've been trying to stay stoic but I don't know Xmas is coming and I'm suddenly feeling really lonely. I have this crashing premonition of being alone for the rest of my life and it's terrifying.

I don't need a stepfather for my kids, their dads are brilliant and I'm really lucky with that. But as soon as I say "4 kids" men just go cold or just want to keep it casual (sex).

So tell me straight because my friends keep saying oh you'll find someone etc but they have to say that really don't know. I need people to be upfront so I can face up to it, accept the reality and get on with things.

OP posts:
WhooooAmI24601 · 16/12/2016 22:36

SIL has 4 children with 4 men and has no problem finding potential suitors. I have to admit I'm not a fan of the speed with which they come and go but horses for courses. Not all men would be put off. Not all men would like it.

Also, my Sister had 7 children when she met her now DH. Admittedly he's a lunatic for joining (and adding 2 more to) that family but there's no limit on how many DCs a person can have before they become completely off-limits to a partner.

WhooooAmI24601 · 16/12/2016 22:37

User weirdly, my DH is step-dad to DS1 but I don't think I'd date a man with DCs if I was single. It's just a complicated situation and not one I'd be very good in. Better to be honest and rule out that situation than to find someone you fall for and then have to end it once you've developed feelings for them.

WorraLiberty · 16/12/2016 22:38

It will be more difficult but you do hear some success stories.

My aunt was widowed with 7 children, the youngest of whom was only 3 and yet she married a lovely man a few years later.

As you seem to have a good relationship with your exes and presumably they pay CM, that should probably help too.

datingbarb · 16/12/2016 22:38

Secretsteven I'm also put of my men with pictures of there kids on their profile and would never put a picture of mine on there!

My profile is about me and my only reference to my children is " I have children and if this is a issue please don't contact me"

user1481835600 · 16/12/2016 22:40

I don't particularly like children and never wanted any of my own. I do love my Son now but I know I could never love a child that was not biologically
Mine so would never put myself or anyone else through that situation.

I've seen too many of my friends date men with children and they resent them and wish they weren't there/feel jealousy towards the ex. Not something I would ever want

PenguinsandPebbles · 16/12/2016 22:47

Different perspective

I'm a "step"mum, DP is the RP and their mother sees them once a year at best.

Fell in love with DP, took things slowly with DC (because I wanted to be sure, they had already had one adult leave their lives) and we are very very happy.

There is someone out there for you, regardless of how many children or cats in my case for who you are and also grow to love your children.

I have a friend who has 50/50 custody of her four children and her husband has 50/50 custody of his four children - and they and their children could not be happier! And yes it is mental at their house at times!!

DailyFail1 · 17/12/2016 01:23

Friend of mine can't have kids and actively looked for a partner who already had 'a few'. He's now happily married to a mum of 6. He's a good guy, nice job, so it's definitely possible to not only meet someone but also meet someone worthwhile.

miserablesod · 17/12/2016 06:29

Yes it is possible. Ignore the negative comments about it. This is the issue, too many negative people regarding large families.

One of my friends has 5 children and is in a new relationship.

Another has 4 children and is in a new relationship.

If the bloke is right for you he will not care about the size of your family. The men that do care are not worth it and probably only want sex anyway, hence the casual remark.

lottieandmia · 17/12/2016 08:42

I think the good thing about having children is that you quickly find out who the selfish men are. I'm single with three dds. I've had various relationships but I wouldn't want to be with anyone who doesn't find my children interesting.

Once when I was doing online dating this man said to me 'I don't think I'm ready to be a dad to three children'. I couldn't believe the arrogance. For someone to get anywhere near my children, they'll have to be something special and he wasn't!

Spottytop1 · 17/12/2016 08:48

You will find someone - it just takes longer! When I met my ex I had 3 young children ... we split after a long relationship . I now have 4 and in a relationship but obviously they are much older now ( teenagers/adults)

Therightplace9 · 17/12/2016 08:52

It can happen but of course your choice will be more limited as some men would just not consider it especially when the kids are young.

c3pu · 17/12/2016 08:56

It wouldn't "put me off".

Mommawoo · 17/12/2016 09:51

Anything is possible! A family member is with a lady 10 years older than him who has 3 kids from previous relationships. I also know of 2 child-free men that met partners online that already had children.

Original poster
Littlelamplight · 17/12/2016 09:54

Thank you all for your replies. I stopped reading last night as I couldn't decide what was making me more depressed. Everyone saying I wouldn't find someone or everyone saying I would and then me wondering why I hadn't!

There is nothing about my DC on my dating profile. I generally work it into the conversation and can see it go cold from there.

I know my kids aren't "baggage", well not to me obviously. But practically I think they are to other men. Or maybe I'm just meeting shit men?!

All the stories of people finding someone are lovely. I did find someone after my marriage broke down. We were together for 3 years and that's when I had my youngest. He left because he couldn't handle the kids, the lifestyle, the responsibility (whilst leaving me with an extra Hmm) That has really done a number on me.

OP posts:
FriendofBill · 17/12/2016 10:23

Maybe you need to do some work on you, get a good relationship with yourself.

Have you got many female friends around?

user1469914265 · 17/12/2016 10:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

lottieandmia · 17/12/2016 10:31

User - keep your rude comments to yourself troll

StealthPolarBear · 17/12/2016 10:32

In answer to your question yes I suspect most adults have heard of condoms

lottieandmia · 17/12/2016 10:33

A decent man will be interested in your children because they're your children. If not then he isn't into you as much as he should be.

It really is that simple. These days there seem to be a lot of people who don't even want any children of their own.

thefrizzyhairedcommunity · 17/12/2016 10:44

FFS user1469914265 Hmm

Original poster
Littlelamplight · 17/12/2016 10:46

Really user? You can't imagine how someone has 4 kids?

3 within a happy marriage before he had an affair.

1 within a 3 year relationship with a lovely man who wanted a child of his own.

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlelamplight · 17/12/2016 10:47

I have lots of very close female friends.

I have a great life, I don't need a man to complete me. But we're humans, we're supposed to have someone else, we're social people. I don't think there is anything wrong with that

OP posts:
chloesmumtoo · 17/12/2016 10:54

Have not read the whole thread but feel for you feeling this way. It's that time of year too. Your hitting a low point when really you need to look at your positives. You sound fantastic. A mum of four, a career, your in shape and not needing a step father for your kids as they have great dads. You sound independant and obviously mention having friends. The only thing is the fact you want a partner, many will be feeling the same as you with or without children and finding that person cannot be rushed. Keep happy, positive and focus on what you have. Many people wont have the wonderful things you do. Your naturally feeling lonely, i get it and was not content single myself and had one child when i met my dp. I know many that have found partners who have several dc's. But be proud and don't hide the fact. Put down that you have four children and be proud. That last relationship has done this but put that behind you. You sound successful in your post by being independant you will shine, men can sometimes be a little threatened by such independence by the way and may not be down to you having four children. You want a man who is happy about children so don't threat over the ones that don't. You mention others having less baggage, it's surprising today how many are in your situation. Goodluck and try to enjoy the fun and unknown of your life as it is now

NameChanger22 · 17/12/2016 10:55

I was asked out lots of times as a younger single mum. Lots of men think single mums are desperate so when you turn them down they tend to take it really badly, but that's a whole different thread.

Anyway, that was until I hit 40 and started to look my age. Now it's only the odd creepy looking guy or alcoholics who are interested.

I think age is a bigger factor.

I've never, ever been lonely as a single mum, quite the opposite. Good friendships are what matter to me. I don't want another relationship again, ever. It's not sour grapes, I love being single, I prefer my free time doing what I want to do, I like my own space and I have friends and my daughter for company.

Could you adopt the same approach to life?

juneau · 17/12/2016 10:58

Well, I think ANY number of DC can be off-putting to potential suitors, so whether you have one, four or seven it could be an issue. OTOH, a single dad may well prefer someone who understands what it is to be a parent, who gets that the kids need to come first, etc.

I think it also depends what you want. Do you want a boyfriend who maintains his own place (possibly with his own kids), or are you looking for marriage, someone to live with you? I think the former situation would probably be easier to find than the latter, as while many people (men and women), would be up for a relationship, they might not be up for living with someone else's four kids and being a step-parent.

So YANBU to say it's hard to meet that special someone, it's hard to do that anyway and with four (or any), kids in tow it will be harder. But it's not impossible. So don't give up. And yes, once your kids are older and more independent I'm sure it will get easier.

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