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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think very few men are going to want to date a single mum to 4 children?

163 replies

Littlelamplight · 16/12/2016 18:21

I'm posting in AIBU because I'm prepared for your brutal truths.

I've been single for 2 years. Four children by two men. One a marriage and the other a short term relationship. I work, ok financially but not particularly wealthy.

In the last six months I've started going out more with my single friends and online dating. I don't think I'm bad looking, I keep myself in shape and I do have 2 nights a week childfree.

I'm not getting anywhere and the sticking point is the kids. I know it is even when it's not said out loud. And I get it, 4 kids is massive, it's daunting and there are lots of other women out there with less baggage.

I've been trying to stay stoic but I don't know Xmas is coming and I'm suddenly feeling really lonely. I have this crashing premonition of being alone for the rest of my life and it's terrifying.

I don't need a stepfather for my kids, their dads are brilliant and I'm really lucky with that. But as soon as I say "4 kids" men just go cold or just want to keep it casual (sex).

So tell me straight because my friends keep saying oh you'll find someone etc but they have to say that really don't know. I need people to be upfront so I can face up to it, accept the reality and get on with things.

OP posts:
Suburbopolis · 17/12/2016 15:53

boney I don't think it's fiction though.

There is a higher percentage of avoidants on line than in the general population. I am not really concerned obviously with the number of avoidant women (or whatever it is turns men off the women on line) as that does not affect me in the slightest.

I think it stands to reason that when you've met about 20 men on line and you end up not knowing what's worse, liking them or not liking them! well, you're at least entitled to an opinion without being labelled bitter.

Thanks leaveittothediva Brew

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/12/2016 16:57

Suburbopolis

I haven't said that its a "fiction" or that Lottie is bitter.

Its not the opinion that I am against, its the generalisation.

As for the thread itself, dating someone with children whether male or female is a minefield.

Dilligaf81 · 17/12/2016 17:00

Well you just havent met the right man then. I have 4dc but am happily married so no personal experience but im one of 5dc and my lovely step dad came along and didnt bat an eyelid and our dad is crap so we did need a dad really. He is the best bloke we could of all hoped for and glad he loves my mum and us. Theyve been together 25 years now and still think we were all lucky to find each other.

lottieandmia · 17/12/2016 17:01

It doesn't have to be a mine field. Personally I would not be put off by a man who has children - in fact I think I'd prefer it.

Foslady · 17/12/2016 18:38

YANBU. I've been chatting to a bloke on OLD, was getting on great and asked to meet up. He knew I had dd, mentioned her age to him and now it's all gone quiet......

Oh well, guess another one's big the dust!

Foslady · 17/12/2016 18:38

Big?? Bit!!!

GreenTureen · 17/12/2016 18:52

There is nothing about my DC on my dating profile

If I was on a date with a man i'd met online and who then casually dropped in that he had four kids, you'd see a me-shaped hole in the wall ASAP.

I wouldn't want to date anyone who had four kids that mainly lived with them. And I say that with two dc of my own (and soon to be three dc). Which I appreciate makes me a massive hypocrite but my life is busy enough - i'm so, so not interested in anyone elses kids tbph or the drama that goes with them. I was the same before dc too - I don't think that makes me a bad person, it would just be my preference to not go out with someone with young kids.

Put the fact you have kids on your profile, it will make things a lot easier and weed out the ones for who it's an issue before you put effort in.

OhhBetty · 17/12/2016 19:09

You having kids isn't the problem, the fact that they have a problem with you having kids is! I'm totally upfront about the fact I have a child and have had lots of dates. I've only been single since August though although I've met a guy I actually like on tinder! He's really keen but I don't know if I'm ready for a relationship yet.

Be yourself and be positive. Not all men are the same, I've never had anything negative said about me having a child. I'm 26 for the record.

Msqueen33 · 17/12/2016 19:26

I'd probably mention it on your profile and then ease it into conversation. There's plenty of women in their 30s single and there isn't anything wrong with them. Good luck.

GettingitwrongHauntingatnight · 17/12/2016 19:31

The dcs will grow up.

Suburbopolis · 17/12/2016 19:31

Not sure what you're ojecting to boney a generalisation is something that is often true surely? Dating coaches have long acknowledged that there is a higher percentage of avoidants in the dating pool that in the general population.

I'm just chatting on line with somebody who is my age exactly and his dc are 22 and 20. Mine are roughly a decade younger. I hope we meet up as he seems clever and funny and we click on line. But I don't know what the formula is.

Have dated men with and without children. Men a few years older, men my age. Men with grown up children. A slightly younger man who still wants a child [doomed obviously]

Suburbopolis · 17/12/2016 19:32

The DCs will grow up yes! But will any man date a woman of 50+ even when they themselves are that age? Oh who knows? It just shouldn't be this hard should it?!

BraveDancing · 17/12/2016 19:33

My stepmother had four when she met my dad who had three. We became a very big family. So it can happen.

NameChanger22 · 17/12/2016 19:58

Suburboplois - it's not giving up to decide you want a different life; a different life from what you're expected to want, from what you've been told is acceptable.

My life started soon after my last relationship ended. I don't want to put up with everyone else's rejects thank you very much.

BraveDancing · 17/12/2016 20:41

I don't think everyone who is single is a reject! My dad was single in his forties because my mum died.

Although I guess a lot of women probably wouldn't have wanted to take his three kids on (and as he was a widower, we were full time). But I'm glad my DSM did.

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/12/2016 21:06

Suburbopolis

I am objecting to a generalisation that men over forty and single must have something wrong with them.

If you can produce evidence that Lottie is correct then I will change my view.

GravyAndShite · 18/12/2016 00:24

I think it's true that most men are not very nice actually. I think most of the decent men go in their early 20s and what's left is people with attachment disorders or addictions.

Men who have got over the age of 30 with no children and no long term relationships usually have something wrong with them.

There are a lot of negative absolutes there. I don't question that you've had experiences that lead you to believe these things, but please know that it is only your solo experience, and to label all men in that way is very bad for yourself.

GravyAndShite · 18/12/2016 00:26

BoneyBackJefferson Of course she is incorrect but she has likely had bad experiences and is looking at things in a very black and white way.
Don't take it personally. You know that is not the case with you. Stop fighting her and arrange a coffee! Wink

lottieandmia · 18/12/2016 06:33

But surely you can see that someone in their 30s and 40s who puts longest relationship as 'under one year' is likely to have done so because they can't hold down a relationship, generally. At least someone with children is likely to be more similar to me. None of us are perfect but some of these people are very damaging to be around. And they are all constantly on dating sites. I'm sure it isn't only men but since I don't date women I couldn't comment on that.

Sixisthemagicnumber · 18/12/2016 06:39

I have six siblings, my mum and dad divorced when I was very young but my mum never had a shortage of relationships. She would happily be single for periods of time but she had a few longish term relationships with men who were not put off by her having 7 children. Funnily, now we are all grown and single my mum is also single and has been for over a decade and can't meet somebody worthwhile.

FatherNoelFurlong · 18/12/2016 09:38

Exactly lottieandmia.

I dont think it is a l7dicrous generalisation to say women more likely to be looking for fidelity and commitment. Thought that was a universally acknowledged truth.

NameChanger22 · 18/12/2016 10:17

Sixisthemagicnumber - your mum never had a shortage of relationships?? You talk about that as if its a good thing. I personally think it's damaging for children to have men coming and going in their lives. I wouldn't put my child through that.

When I look at the single men out there I seriously wouldn't let them in our house for 5 minutes, let alone for a relationship, however long or short that may be.

And how do you distinguish between the good ones and the ones that really aren't. There are a lot more very troubled, creepy men out there than you think, at least one on every corner.

PassMeTheFrazzlesPlease · 18/12/2016 10:56

I have four children. Through online dating, I have met up with four really lovely men who wanted to see me again - but I only liked them as friends. A few men have also asked me out in real life - they know I have children and presumably weren't bothered. I don't think it matters as much as you think - the level of self-confidence you have makes more of a difference I think.

ZaZathecat · 18/12/2016 11:06

Hi little, I think it would be hard to find someone through OLD or nights out but much more likely just by mixing with lots of people, e.g. working in a big company or participating in various activities. Someone close to me met her partner of 10 years when she was a single parent to 3 dc (and was part of a close but somewhat disfunctional family), but they got to know each other through a work related set up and by the time they fell for each other he was already familiar with her situation but it didn't matter.

SmellySphinx · 18/12/2016 11:10

**SantasJockstrap

And dwell on the things that are fab about being single

At least when I was single I could guarantee a relaxing bath time, these days I put the bath on to run, and he will dip in there and go for a shit. Completely ruined the atmosphere of my bubble bath

I do hope they didn't shit IN the bath! Grin