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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or does a manager leaving a 32 week pregnant woman on her own in London smack of ignorance?!

448 replies

melmel89 · 15/12/2016 17:48

So I'm 32 weeks pregnant and had to work an event in London this week-hours of standing and also tracking across London travelling. We went on a meal afterwards and obviously being tired I wanted to go back to the hotel afterwards. My manager got in a taxi and said "you know where you're going then" and shut the door....I nearly burst into tears. Firstly I didn't and secondly why should I be left like that because he wants to go drinking?? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
PoohBearsHole · 15/12/2016 23:02

it is incredibly rude to just dump and run as a manager so you're u can nab the taxi and go out drinking. BUT unless this was really late at night (first post did not indicate this) and there were no cabs around, the there is a little bit of YABU involved.

if i were out with a younger female colleague i would ensure that they were delivered as safely as possible to their destination (i did exactly this last night) but this was at 11pm. At 6pm i wouldn't have done anything except check they were sure they knew their destination.

your manager does sound like he needs some manners tbh.

Pallisers · 15/12/2016 23:03

No, the manager does not have a 'duty of care' and he can, if he wishes, be as much of a dick as he wants and leave a heavily pregnant woman while he sorts out his own transport. BUT there seems to be a pretence here that the OP is not more vulnerable because she is 32 weeks pregnant and that is nonsense - late pregnancy is tiring and a pregnant woman in a strange place at night should be given some additional considerations, like the first taxi. The manager was rude.

I agree with this.

Also hate this mantra of "you are only 32 weeks pregnant, not sick". When I was 32 weeks pregnant I was different physically than I have ever been before or since (well other than the other times I was 32 weeks pregnant :) ) Yeah women mostly work, function perfectly or run the world while pregnant but do we have to pretend that nothing is actually happening to us physically?? Why? It is a huge change from your normal physical state and if it makes someone thinks as a result she is entitled to the first taxi to arrive then I'm not going to quibble.

Backingvocals · 15/12/2016 23:08

Of course she's entitled to the first cab. Being 32 weeks is actually a big deal in the real world. Not ill. Not pathetic. But physically drained and potentially vulnerable. Thats why we stand for pregnant women on the tube. We dont laugh at them and tell them to man up Hmm

PurpleDaisies · 15/12/2016 23:15

It would have been polite to offer the op the first cab, just as it would have been polite to offer the same to any colleague.

The working day had finished if I've understood the situation correctly. I don't think the manager had any "duty of care" to the op and didn't actually do anything wrong, beyond being a bit rude. I'm very surprised about the confusion over where she was staying-its absolutely basic to have those details sorted and saved somewhere accessible.

mum11970 · 15/12/2016 23:25

No it doesn't smack of ignorance. Not knowing the address of the hotel your staying, smacks as stupidity though.

Moreisnnogedag · 15/12/2016 23:38

If my boss attempted to mollycoddle me when I was 32 weeks I would have laughed. I didn't suddenly lose my faculties because I was growing a baby. Saying that if you want cosseting whilst pregnant, go to Beijing. I flew out there for a conference at around 30 weeks and even on the underground they couldn't do enough for me. I admit 'twas lovely.

YelloDraw · 16/12/2016 00:31

Jesus wept. If you are old enough to be having sex you are old enough to get a taxi back to your hotel on your own.

YelloDraw · 16/12/2016 00:33

He was rude in not giving you the first taxi. Standard protocol is to give the 'going home person' the first taxi.

YelloDraw · 16/12/2016 00:35

Although the idea that someone would be stupid enough to not know the name of their hotel is a bit frightening.

LucyBabs · 16/12/2016 00:46

I admire those of you who trekked across the Himalayas while you were 65 weeks pregnant but here's a newsflash.. We aren't all the same.. Why is pregnancy and motherhood always a bloody competition?!

OfaFrenchmind2 · 16/12/2016 00:50

It's not a matter of competition. Most people are just agog that a professional cannot seem to be functional and independent at 6pm, and needs somebody to tell them where they live. Yes, being pregnant is tiring, but does not really eat up your brain.

VoodooPeople · 16/12/2016 00:59

I admire those of you who trekked across the Himalayas while you were 65 weeks pregnant

Piece of piss. Try getting into work in rush hour via the Northern Line when you're 34 weeks gone and you'll know what hardship is.

BahHumbug16 · 16/12/2016 01:01

Look tbh you should have made sure you knew where you were staying but I get it... pregnancy sucks and it makes you upset. By your stage, id been signed off work cos I was so poorly. Pregnancy really sucks ass! Take care of yourself op!

DeepanKrispanEven · 16/12/2016 01:02

You lot are way harsh ! People feel naturally vulnerable when pregnant and he totally should have made sure she was Ok to get home first - basic human courtesy

But how was he to know that she didn't know where she was staying? And why would he think she might not be OK to get back to the hotel, given that all she had to do was get into a taxi?

I worked till I was 38 weeks pregnant for two pregnancies, and despite feeling constantly nauseous managed to navigate my way round big cities all by myself, including at night time. I would have found it pretty patronising if any of my male colleagues had assumed that I would be too baby-brained to remember where I was staying.

Annie592 · 16/12/2016 01:19

Completely agree with Pallisers. No pregnancy isn't an 'illness', but why do we have to pretend we're exactly the same as in our non pregnant state- when we're just not? I had a very straightforward pregnancy, and wasn't huge, but I still felt uncomfortable at 32 weeks, I found it hard to be on my feet for long periods of time, I had some (mild) backache, I'd had a bit of bleeding the week before so was feeling a bit anxious. All pretty mild and very common I would imagine, and certainly nothing compared to the issues some of my pregnant friends were putting up with. This didn't affect my ability to do my job, and I didn't go on about it, but it did mean I might have to grab a chair when usually I would have stood, or take breaks a bit more often if standing for long periods- is that really so awful? And yes I would have expected my manager to let me have that first taxi.

Completely disagree that posts like the OPs do women in the workplace a dis-service, I think the attitudes in some of the replies here do that far more effectively. If we have to pretend that nothing is happening to our bodies, and have to call women that say they feel uncomfortable or vulnerable in late pregnancy 'precious flowers' (or whatever the delightful mumsnet term is)-how is that supportive of women? Women should be able to be on the board of directors and show vulnerability when pregnant and not be judged for this- that's what we should be working towards- not a situation where the only way we can be respected by men in the workplace is to pretend pregnancy doesn't impact on us one little bit- that doesn't seem very progressive to me.

LizB201 · 16/12/2016 01:25

YANBU

He was an inconsiderate idiot. Some people are just thoughtless. He should have put you in a taxi first and then if you weren't sure of where your hotel is, he would have been able to assist. I think PP are being a bit mean and sound as thoughtless as the manager. A bit of consideration doesn't cost anything. You were tired, stressed and probably more sensitive than you usually are. I suppose you forgot to take the full hotel details and just assumed you would be travelling back to the hotel together, or not even thought about it.

Clearly there are a lot of Londoners on this thread who forget there are people who are familiar with the areas of the city. I think there are some cabbies who won't take fares that aren't 100% sure of theit destination because they aren't either and can't rely on them.

Caper86 · 16/12/2016 01:28

YABU for using the word 'ignorance' incorrectly.

VoodooPeople · 16/12/2016 01:29

And yes I would have expected my manager to let me have that first taxi.

Quite a few people have agreed with that (including me).

What is staggering people is the fact the OP didn't know where she was staying that night. Surely knowing what hotel you are in is kind of basic? If you realise you are going to forget such important information then you jot it down. How is the manager responsible for her not remembering where her hotel is and carrying on with his evening Confused

Matilda1981 · 16/12/2016 01:35

YABU you're pregnant not incapacitated!!!

melj1213 · 16/12/2016 01:46

OP: I wanted to go back to the hotel afterwards

I took this in the OP to mean that they had already been at the hotel, so it's not like they had arrived straight to the job and could possibly have not remembered where they were going because they hadn't been there yet. So, I really can't understand how you can stay at a hotel and not know at all where it is, even if it's just "its a Travelodge, near Waterloo" the cabbie can work with that.

Also the OP doesn't say where they actually were - I've been to central London a few times and I've never had trouble hailing a black cab in any of the main streets/touristy areas ... it's when you're on little back streets that it's less likely that there'll be so many taxis passing. If they were on a main thoroughfare it is unreasonable to be so upset by him taking the first cab as they are ten a penny ... if it was a quiet(ish) street, it would have ben kind of him to offer the first taxi, but not compulsory.

Also, just because he is the manager does not mean he is responsible for the OP ... if I went with a manager to work in another city, I personally would feel a little patronised if he started assuming that because we were not on our hometurf I was suddenly incapable of getting a taxi or making my way to a hotel by myself. I'm a 27yo woman and have managed to live independently in various countries, I do not need my hand held across London just because I want to go home earlier than the rest of the party.

OlennasWimple · 16/12/2016 01:47

OP you're going to have to toughen up PDQ before that baby comes along Hmm

If your DP had left you to get back to the hotel on your own while he went drinking, YANBU, but your boss? YABU (though he should have given you the first cab, that's basic decency)

GinIsIn · 16/12/2016 01:51

I'm also 32 weeks pregnant and I'm sorry but you are being completely and utterly ridiculous. Being pregnant does not mean you need a babysitter, and not having checked where you were staying is your own fault. So you not have a smart phone? If you knew the name of the hotel why didn't you just google where it was?

Whatever you do, don't make any PA comments about this to your manager as you'll only embarrass yourself.

kali110 · 16/12/2016 01:53

Yabu. He's not supposed to look after you after the event.
It would have been nice if he had given you the first taxi certainly, but as others pointed out he may not have known what you wanted to do/ how to get home. He's doesn't have to go back with you just because you're tired.
I don't think he's abandoned you either, you were both in a taxi rank so you had a way of getting back to your hotel, it's not like you were in the middle of nowhere.
Why didn't you know where your hotel was?or did you not know the name of your hotel?
I'd just forget about today and concentrate on the rest of it ( and write down the name and address of where you're staying)

FrancisCrawford · 16/12/2016 05:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShadowMane · 16/12/2016 07:00

So looks like op is mia

I'd still like to know where the secret hotel is that only 1 out of 3 taxi drivers know ?

Yes mgr was rude to take the first taxi, but that's it
Again if you're old enough to have a baby and be working, then you're old enough to tell a taxi driver which hotel you're staying at!