To find these gifts awkward and embarrassing?

[HardLightHologram]

Every year we make a point of saying we don't want much for Christmas for us or the kids. We firmly say we are sticking to a £20pp budget and would appreciate if they did too. We make lots of noise about decluttering and what a lot of stuff we've got, how the kids have gadgets and toys coming out of their ears.

And then every year without fail we hand over a single bag of gifts to SiL and BIL and they fill our car up in return. This year it is FIVE bin bag size bags of presents. A bag full each.

It is equal to the amount we've bought the kids. Totally over budget and completely unnecessary.

I struggle with this every year because what can you do? We've tried everything we can think of. We've even said firmly that we don't want this much stuff and that they arent sticking to the budget. BiL is adamant that SiL is just an amazing shopper and finds bargains. This just isn't true. It's all brand new branded stuff. Lego sets etc, which I know are rarely reduced by much. Current clothes from shops I shop in, not sale stuff.

I find it awkward, embarrassing and tbf a bit controlling.

I refuse to compete, so our gifts look pathetic in comparison.

Please, if anyone has any fresh ideas how to stop this I'd be so so grateful. Short of dumping it all back on her doorstep I am stuck.

And I know how weird and ungrateful this sounds but its suffocating me.

(Also you have probably read this thread before as I think I post a version of it every year).

Please help me.

I'm with crumbs on this - although it must be infuriating, there are worse things to worry about in the world

Thing is, you've honestly done your best to stem the flow politely and it hasn't worked. You really can't refuse to accept her stuff without giving massive offence, so why not encourage the kids to choose some of it to give to charity? After all, once given it's yours to do as you want with, the kids will hopefully enjoy helping others and the pile will be reduced ... win win all round

Dh is a bit like this... His parents were complete misers and this had quite an impact on dh, such that he has to be Mr Bountiful. I buy the presents for his family - not because I'm a MN mug - but because if I didn't he would be spending £££££££ . This year bil said he didn't want to do presents - fine- we haven't been to their house for ten years! - but dh was adamant that they continue or he'll lose the link with his db.

Otoh I am on receiving end of this from a cousin of mine. She has no dcs and sends a giant parcel every Christmas to us, with contents amounting to several hundred pounds. I send her a nice present, but I can't stretch to a reciprocal amount, and I'm not even that sure what she likes. Every year I ask her not to go all out, and every year we get a DHL delivery full of stuff from The Works/Poundland etc. That sounds terribly ungrateful, but it is an awful waste.

My mum goes a bit overboard with presents. I think her motto is quantity over quality.

My eldest sister took a stand a few years ago by pointedly leaving some of her children's presents at mum's house, explaining that she just didn't have the room in her house or car and the children could play with them when they visited.

Mum was initially quite hurt but now limits the presents (slightly). To be honest, she takes such delight in buying and giving all these presents, it's hard to burst her bubble.

There are worse things than receiving too many presents. If sil and bil are refusing to listen to you or change their ways, I think the best course of action is to roll your eyes and endure it or risk completely falling out.

Try not to interpret the extravagant gifts as a personal jibe or showy one up upmanship and instead view it as a kind but misguided gesture. Don't overthink it - for your own sanity!

Re gifting some or donating to charity is perhaps the best way forward. I'm sorry but I don't think they will change if they've repeatedly ignored your requests to put a limit on presents.

My MIL is like this. She will produce a santa sack of presents for each kid. One of which will be their "main present"; which annoys me as choosing a main present is something I would really prefer to do as their mother.
She will do the same for DH and me. A santa sack, for adults!
I think it's because she grew up very poor and also because she likes to be in control of social situations.
She will sometimes buy a more expensive version of what I bought them, for example. I keep that information secret now!
I hate it! I also grew up without money and I went the exact other way.
Spending money makes me feel anxious and out of control. Having others spend money on me makes me feel the same way but also guilty and awkward. Like Pp's have said- it's a feeling of physical sickness.
This year, I have got the kids 2 presents each because they are getting their full compliment of Christmas gifts from MIL.
I will also be spirit in some of them away to go in the cupboard for "later". I recently donated a bunch of this stuff from previous years to Ds's nursery school raffle. This included his "main present" from the year he was 2: a children's tablet; suggested age 3 and up! DH thought I was a bit off to donate it but, quite honestly I doubt she remembers buying it.

Could it be a control thing?
My abusive family - grandfather was the worst for this- will give me money every time I see them. It was so they could keep being the relied upon benefactors, so they could say 'but we have done so much for you!'.
Upon refusing the money, they would find ways to put it in my bag when I wasn't looking, slip it into my pocket, take my hand and put it in. The forcing me to accept things I didn't want gave them power. And by retaining the money, it was like they were always present.

Now I know it won't be the same, but maybe the theme - forcing you to accept what she wants to do, yet looking like the beloved generous aunt with all these reminders through the year- is closer to the truth?

Sell all the unwanted gifts every year and save the money, when their child turns 18 give the money to him towards uni fees or living costs.

"The forcing me to accept things I didn't want gave them power. And by retaining the money, it was like they were always present."

Yes, this! This is why they do it!

google love languages. Hers is giving gifts. Its how she says i love you, and wants to be shown love in the same way. Yours is something else so you dont "understand" what she is saying and she doesnt understand you either.

google love languages. Hers is giving gifts. Its how she says i love you, and wants to be shown love in the same way. Yours is something else so you dont "understand" what she is saying and she doesnt understand you either.

The op has said she doesn't want all these presents though. That isn't difficult to understand, even if they don't particularly like it.

It isn't loving or respectful to continue dumping these "gifts" on her family after they've asked the relative not to buy so much.

I think what we'll do this year is get some boxes and fill them up in the days after Christmas, old stuff and new stuff. And then donate it to a local refuge.

I need to make it crystal clear for next year that this needs to stop. The trouble is she just ignores or misconstrues what I say, about most things.

My in laws do this.
Both DC have December birthdays too especially if they have parties they get so many presents ( one year 30 each just from party guests).
By the time we get to the in laws on Boxing Day and they are presented with a santa sack each from mil and 3 or 4 gifts from Sil they can hardly be bothered open them. Me and DH also get a santa sack each.
I have told them that one present is enough by they ignore me - I pointedly buy all of them 1 thing each and no more.
Drives me mad but I just donate loads of it to our local children's ward.

If I were you I'd work on my acceptance. For whatever reason, your SiL is wildly generous. Neither of them gets bitchy about what you give them, they just swamp you with gifts. My MiL used to do this. It was embarrassing.

I worked on my gratitude. We can't change others, but we can change ourselves. I recognised that it gave her pleasure to give all this stuff, and that maybe she didn't feel "good enough" without spending money on us. So I said thank you sincerely and with good grace. I kept the small things. The large ones were either given to others or donated to charity. I stopped worrying about it. Job done.

I loved the suggestion of a PP about sitting down with the kids and looking at the presents and choosing which (chosen number) to keep and which to re gift.
This may be avoidant but it also may be respectful of the fact that SIL may have some kind of mental health issue and be genuinely unable to help it. Obviously if it is deeply upsetting then it's maybe worth a fall out... but personally I couldn't get worked up about someone being "too generous" and I would allow them their pleasure of giving but I would then be teaching my children the joy of giving also- to those less fortunate.
I would be honest with SIL though. Writing a thank you letter that included genuine thanks for the items the children actually kept and also for the gifts passed on.
She can then choose next year to do it all again or cut down...

"It isn't loving or respectful to continue dumping these "gifts" on her family after they've asked the relative not to buy so much."

Completely agree. As some up thread said; it's like continuing to hug someone once you know they sont like it

I think the refuge idea is a great one but I would be tempted to give them some of the wrapped presents from SIL and then I would write to BIL and SIL and explain that you have donated some of the presents to charity and that you will continue to do this if they don't play ball on the budget

I understand your feelings on this. You've mentioned it, been ignored yet it continues. They obviously enjoy buying all this stuff and I imagine they'd be upset if you told them too strongly.

Do they ever visit you unexpectedly? Could you be found in the middle of a massive clear out with the hallway packed with lots of labelled bin-liners, full and ready to go to charities? Actions speak louder than words - or would this feel like a massive slap in the face for them?

The thing is, you don't want to hurt their feelings, do you? Plus telling them that you don't want all this stuff would come across to them as ungrateful. Didn't they have many toys as children and are making up for that? Do they equate love with 'things'?

The over-abundance of stuff means that it's less appreciated - after all, kids these days are drowning with so many toys. I'm sorry for your annoyance but it's safer to give the stuff away to those who appreciate it. Maybe chill about it, at least on the surface for the sake of harmony.

Another thought is to get SIL one or two more expensive ideas for the kids, xbox games or something. So she is forced to buy one thing rather than a pile of tat.

I would also encourage your kids to pass stuff on or sell what stuff they don't want.

It's not easy to stem the flow of stuff into your house.

A proper sit down and saying "whilst we appreciate you like treating people, it is making us feel very uncomfortable - which i am sure is the total opposite of how you would want your gifts to make us feel - please stop buying so much - 2 gifts per child is more than enough, and a token single present to DH and I would be much more appreciated."

OP. Power struggles just are not worth getting into... youre saying it has to stop. She can't seem to stop. It just gets messy. Change your reactions and subsequent actions but be explicit with her that you cannot usefully accept the gifts for your children as you only want them having x amount but you are happy to help them choose which to keep and which to donate. "So someone else can benefit from your generosity"
No power struggles there... and if SIL changes then great and if not then great too.

We're both very conflict averse.

Well, there is your problem in a nutshell. Being able to face into necessary conflict is an essential life skill, and longer-term and bigger picture, you probably both need to work on that.

However, in this circumstance, I think you probably need to accept that you are not going to get SIL to change - at least not until you start making the consequences borne by her. This means either: 1) embarrassing her by holding the line on not accepting the gifts and accepting the resulting conflict; or 2) making it clear, immediately and to her face, that her effort is useless as you donate the gifts straightaway.

They can't force you to do anything. They aren't holding a gun to your head. They are leveraging your fear of conflict, so if you want things to change, you have to lose that fear. You can either keep "accepting" the gifts (you can literally dump them on the street round the corner from their house, I imagine they won't last long), or you can have some conflict. Decide which you want more.

Could you try setting up a Secret Santa type arrangement for your family so instead of everyone buying for everyone, from next Christmas everyone has a budget to buy for one person only? You could even organise it all so you make sure that SIL draws no one from your household?

I get what you mean about the suffocating side of things. We have a family member who is similar, they come to visit us just before Christmas and they always gleefully announce on the phone before arriving, 'I don't how we're going to fit everything into the car!'. My heart sinks every time I hear those words. One year I am slightly embarrassed to admit that I took myself off to the bathroom for a little cry. I had spent ages decluttering the house, it was finally under control and then they arrived, filled our entire kitchen with boxes, bags and parcels and sat at our kitchen table looking at it all and beaming whilst I went off for a little sob .

Unwanted generosity is horrible. My mother used to insist on buying us clothes that we didn't want and threw massive strops over our ungratefulness if we didn't want to wear them. I once refused to take the ten-poud note she was angrily shoving in my face, only for her to drop it on the floor of the shopping centre and walk off. I had to get down and get it I will never forget the humiliation of that moment.

It is all about control. YANBU op. Flat-out refuse, or say to her face that all of a particular pile is going to Refuge on whichever day because YOU DO NOT WANT THEM AND HAVE SAID SO IN THE PAST.

I think you have already tried asking for this to stop and she can't or won't listen or perhaps shopping is her hobby or addiction.

its only the fifteenth of dec, get the lot opened and get the kids to choose one or two things each and charity shop the rest.

OP. Power struggles just are not worth getting into... you're saying it has to stop. She can't seem to stop.

The person saying "stop doing this to me, I don't want it" is the one who gets the deciding vote there.

Wow ungrateful much!
Maybe they enjoy spoiling their nieces and nephews?!
Let them spend what they want.
I wouldn't expect anything for myself from anyone really but I do expect my son to have decent presents from his family.