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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find these gifts awkward and embarrassing?

350 replies

HardLightHologram · 14/12/2016 23:33

Every year we make a point of saying we don't want much for Christmas for us or the kids. We firmly say we are sticking to a £20pp budget and would appreciate if they did too. We make lots of noise about decluttering and what a lot of stuff we've got, how the kids have gadgets and toys coming out of their ears.

And then every year without fail we hand over a single bag of gifts to SiL and BIL and they fill our car up in return. This year it is FIVE bin bag size bags of presents. A bag full each.

It is equal to the amount we've bought the kids. Totally over budget and completely unnecessary.

I struggle with this every year because what can you do? We've tried everything we can think of. We've even said firmly that we don't want this much stuff and that they arent sticking to the budget. BiL is adamant that SiL is just an amazing shopper and finds bargains. This just isn't true. It's all brand new branded stuff. Lego sets etc, which I know are rarely reduced by much. Current clothes from shops I shop in, not sale stuff.

I find it awkward, embarrassing and tbf a bit controlling.

I refuse to compete, so our gifts look pathetic in comparison.

Please, if anyone has any fresh ideas how to stop this I'd be so so grateful. Short of dumping it all back on her doorstep I am stuck.

And I know how weird and ungrateful this sounds but its suffocating me.

(Also you have probably read this thread before as I think I post a version of it every year).

Please help me.

OP posts:
HeyRoly · 15/12/2016 09:34

I really understand how suffocated you feel by this behaviour.

If you suspect you haven't been assertive enough, then you really need to work on that. As for the unwanted stuff, I'd sell it or donate it without a second thought.

wizzywig · 15/12/2016 09:36

Did she have an upbringing where she felt she missed out on presents so she thinks christmas = lots of pressies under a twinkly christmas tree?

PurpleDaisies · 15/12/2016 09:38

Wow ungrateful much!
Maybe they enjoy spoiling their nieces and nephews?!

They've been told not to buy so much though. Beyond a few presents, how much can you properly appreciate anyway? Whether this is coming from a place of love or not, the op says she has been clear that she doesn't want the to behave in that way towards her family. It's out of order for them to continue.

user1466690252 · 15/12/2016 09:39

My mil does this and I hate it. I feel your pain. I don't have the answers but just wanted to say I know how you feel and its so frustrating!

sarahnova69 · 15/12/2016 09:41

My MIL is a bit like this, to be honest. Her "stocking fillers" can be interesting and she insists on continuing to do a stocking for the adults. I smile graciously, keep what I actually like, and pitch the tat and donate the rest, guilt-free, as soon as we've left.

I once refused to take the ten-poud note she was angrily shoving in my face, only for her to drop it on the floor of the shopping centre and walk off. I had to get down and get it

You... didn't though? You could also have walked away and left it there. I realise that's much harder to see as a young adult who struggles to assert themselves against a dominant parent, but it is completely impossible for people to "make" you accept this stuff. It will, however, require being willing to tolerate some unpleasantness in holding the line, and ultimately it comes down to whether you want to stop them or avoid the conflict most. If your priority is to avoid the conflict (which theirs clearly isn't), they will win every time.

BahHumbug16 · 15/12/2016 09:44

I'm really not getting the issue at all.
Surely if space is the issue then some good space saving furniture is an answer?

Maybe they are really good bargain hunters? There's some amazing deals to be had throughout the year if you start early enough!

My brother and Brother in law don't get much for my son and it's not even stuff he'd like or even age appropriate and I hate that it may make him feel unloved when he's older, there's no thought in it at all.

I'd be very grateful if I had family that spoiled and doted on my son.

Oh and yes every year we donate quite a few things to charity before new presents arrive to teach DS the value of money and of giving, of helping people in need etc.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 15/12/2016 09:47

You probably haven't been assertive enough. I understand, I'd rather chew my leg off than get into a confrontation Xmas Blush.
Saying "you shouldn't have", "this is too generous" on receipt of a present are quite common platitudes, usually regarded as meaningless.

If you feel you can't let this issue lie, then an honest letter to your sil might be more productive. Getting your dh to back you up would help, they are his family!

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 15/12/2016 09:48

I don't think you are being ungrateful but then I had similar experience when DC were young. In laws would go complety over the top and DC began to expect so much. One year we went to my family who had still got DC plenty but only about a fifth of what in-laws had got. DS (age 7 ish) opened them then said - "that's not a lot of presents'. I was mortified. So the next year we went away for Christmas. Told them one present for each DC only as was all we could take and if they wanted to give more, money in savings account. That seemed to do the trick. They cut back after that and gave more by adding to their savings. DS had enough to buy a car when he passed his test and over the years we always made sure we thanked them for the money - he told them thanks so muc for helping me get this car - they were delighted. They now do the same for neices and nephews - so their money is going on more than toys etc which rarely see the light of day as they have so much

Temporaryname137 · 15/12/2016 09:49

It may sound like a first world problem, but it's obviously really getting to you, so that makes it an actual problem.

If it were me, rather than have the family fall-out, I think I would pull a few random parcels out of each person's sack, and take the rest down to a charity or refuge. It's difficult when it's your DH's family, as he might feel v conflicted.

MrsHathaway · 15/12/2016 09:49

I agree with pps - do donate before Christmas if you possibly can.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 15/12/2016 09:50

For me the problem is it can make DC quite greedy - expectations that a full toy store will arrive each year. If a parent was doing this to their own DC, they would be seen to be spoiling them.

PurpleDaisies · 15/12/2016 09:51

Surely if space is the issue then some good space saving furniture is an answer?
Really? In ourlast house we'd have needed an extension to fit any more stuff in, and that's with space saving furniture.

Maybe they are really good bargain hunters? There's some amazing deals to be had throughout the year if you start early enough!

Yes, but honestly who really wants bags and bags full of stuff? There are only so many bath sets, pairs of socks, novelty biscuit tins etc that any one person can reasonable cope with. It's wasteful, consumerist and devalues actual thoughtful giving.

You aren't seeing the issue-they've been asked not to buy all these presents and they are ignoring the op's wishes.

LaContessaDiPlump · 15/12/2016 09:53

You... didn't though? You could also have walked away and left it there. I realise that's much harder to see as a young adult who struggles to assert themselves against a dominant parent, but it is completely impossible for people to "make" you accept this stuff. It will, however, require being willing to tolerate some unpleasantness in holding the line, and ultimately it comes down to whether you want to stop them or avoid the conflict most. If your priority is to avoid the conflict (which theirs clearly isn't), they will win every time.

Trust me, the fallout from not picking it up would have been worse than the life-long burning resentment of doing it. Kids (even teenagers) with dominant parents struggle very very hard to overcome their programming IME. We think that if we're forcibly told to do something then we have to. It's very hard not to. It's rubbish Sad

Controlling people are fucking cunts.

Original poster
HardLightHologram · 15/12/2016 09:55

We do actually have quite a large house but there is a limit to how much clutter I can bear. I don't want fifteen candles on a shelf for example, but SiL thinks I don't have enough so routinely buys them for me.

I regularly make trips to the charity shops to donate excess stuff, I don't drive so this involves carrying bags and boxes on the bus. She knows this.

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 15/12/2016 10:00

Ask her to buy you Oxfam goats next year, and the kids 1 present each. It sounds ridiculous especially when there's so much going on in the world where a donation of money is so needed (thinking of Aleppo).

sarahnova69 · 15/12/2016 10:08

Trust me, the fallout from not picking it up would have been worse than the life-long burning resentment of doing it. Kids (even teenagers) with dominant parents struggle very very hard to overcome their programming IME. We think that if we're forcibly told to do something then we have to. It's very hard not to. It's rubbish

Oh, I can understand that, and my point is not that it was wrong of the poster who shared that anecdote to NOT do so. And I absolutely accept that a teenager in this position against a parent IS going to feel that they have to.

But what I'm trying to say (with phrasing in the above that could have been more sensitive), is that, with another adult who doesn't have that sway over you, it is entirely possible to realise that they have no way of "making" you do anything, short of physical coercion. Realising this can be really liberating. You can then decide that you will continue to do or accept whatever it is because the impact on you is less than the impact of fighting back will be, but at least it is a conscious choice you can make. And hopefully, even with parents, as you grow up and move out you can make the choice to end the relationship or to resist your programming or whatever form that takes. Even if you don't change your behaviour, you can change your thinking; when you tell yourself you have no power, you are giving your power away.

But I'm getting off-topic now so I'll stop.

LaContessaDiPlump · 15/12/2016 10:12

I'm the poster who said it sarahnova - I don't think you're off topic at all actually. Learning to assert yourself is an important and life-affirming skill. Sounds like the op's DH needs to learn it!

bumblingmum · 15/12/2016 10:24

I would sort through and pick out a few gifts the kids would like and then either return to store or if that's not possible then hide in loft or somewhere and have a store of birthday presents for parties for the year. Tell SIL that this is what you've done as you've discussed before that you don't want so much stuff. Maybe next year she will listen?
Give the presents back to her for her child at appropriate moments?

Cutesbabasmummy · 15/12/2016 10:27

Maybe they just enjoy buying gifts for you? They sound very kind and generous. Perhaps you could keep some of the gifts back and give them to your children throughout the year?

sarahnova69 · 15/12/2016 10:29

Sorry LaContessa, I'm bad at keeping track of poster names across pages Xmas Blush I'm sorry your mum is so controlling as well. And yay for asserting yourself, I've benefited so much in adulthood for having to learn to be less of a pushover.

PurpleDaisies · 15/12/2016 10:29

They sound very kind and generous.

I can't understand why people think it's kind and generous to give people things they have specifically said they don't want.

exexpat · 15/12/2016 10:32

Why not get into the spirit of things and buy SIL a few more presents - maybe some books?

I'd recommend:

"Stuffocation: Living More with Less" by James Wallman
"Enough: Breaking Free from the World of Excess" by John Naish
and maybe
Marie Kondo - "The Life Changing Magic of Tidying"

Wifflewaffles · 15/12/2016 10:36

For the past few years, I have asked friends and family who are kind enough to consider buying me a gift, to please donate the money they would have spent to a charity instead. People thought that it was strange at first, and didn't quite get it, but now they've caught on, I find that it takes the edge off the stress of Christmas. I really didn't need any more stuff, and would always feel awkward and stupid opening presents as an adult.

I hope that they will listen to you if you ask PLEASE can you stick to just 1 present per person in future. It does sound like a bit of a nightmare to deal with.

MrsHathaway · 15/12/2016 10:36

If they like buying things and can afford them, then that's satisfied the second the five bin bags are handed over. Whether or not OP keeps the contents for longer than 24 hours appears to be irrelevant.

DrowningInPoop · 15/12/2016 10:42

I'd just go to a food bank or refuge with the lot!

Sorry to hear that they don't listen to you. I'd also reduce the amount of contact you have with them if they bring lots of stuff round all the time. Sounds completely suffocating.