To find these gifts awkward and embarrassing?

[HardLightHologram]

Every year we make a point of saying we don't want much for Christmas for us or the kids. We firmly say we are sticking to a £20pp budget and would appreciate if they did too. We make lots of noise about decluttering and what a lot of stuff we've got, how the kids have gadgets and toys coming out of their ears.

And then every year without fail we hand over a single bag of gifts to SiL and BIL and they fill our car up in return. This year it is FIVE bin bag size bags of presents. A bag full each.

It is equal to the amount we've bought the kids. Totally over budget and completely unnecessary.

I struggle with this every year because what can you do? We've tried everything we can think of. We've even said firmly that we don't want this much stuff and that they arent sticking to the budget. BiL is adamant that SiL is just an amazing shopper and finds bargains. This just isn't true. It's all brand new branded stuff. Lego sets etc, which I know are rarely reduced by much. Current clothes from shops I shop in, not sale stuff.

I find it awkward, embarrassing and tbf a bit controlling.

I refuse to compete, so our gifts look pathetic in comparison.

Please, if anyone has any fresh ideas how to stop this I'd be so so grateful. Short of dumping it all back on her doorstep I am stuck.

And I know how weird and ungrateful this sounds but its suffocating me.

(Also you have probably read this thread before as I think I post a version of it every year).

Please help me.

It does in my eyes!

Fair enough. It's just not a phrase I'd use to describe a young child.

Somebody used it upthread and it struck a chord with me as to perfectly summing up the effects of too many presents.

In Charlie and the chocolate factory Charlie prizes his one bar per birthday. People who can have chocolate whenever they want will not appreciate it as much. Ditto presents. Cauliflower I totally get it but unless you've experienced it maybe it's hard to imagine...

I can only see one way of stopping this for good if your previous attempts to talk to her about it haven't worked. Write her a nice letter explaining how it makes you feel, and say that from now on you'd rather not accept any gifts. If she foists them on your DH to get round it, take them back and leave them on her doorstep. I'm sure she would soon stop if you returned every single thing. I know you said you don't drive but I assume your DH does, you could do it under cover of darkness

Or stop being nice
"What the hell?? We have been through this.take them back"
As a pp said though it depends how you want your future relationship to be

We've dealt with less extreme excessive gift giving here and it's stopped now kids older and not as much fun to buy for. It's been stressful though having all the stuff in the house to keep/organise - with PA comments about how much stuff we have - ffs stop buying it for us/the kids then! But it was nowhere near as bad as what's happening to you, I'd just have preferred the kids to have had less excess when younger. If I'm ever a grandma I will be very careful not to compete with parents gift giving. Two gifts maximum and cash for savings.

Seriously reading some responses and I'll like to believe they aren't written by adults!

Big deal, take what you need and give the rest away. Simple!
End of story! Seriously wish women in general could make life less complicated for ourselves.

1. Tell her you feel embarrassed that she has given you so much as you can't afford to reciprocate to the same level.

1. Reiterate that you don't want your children to equate the number of presents they receive with how much family members love them.

1. Select one present at random from the bin bags for each member of the family.

1. Put all the rest into boxes and take to the nearest foodbank or refuge or even children's ward at hospital.

If she continues to do it, just do 3 and 4. No sense repeating yourself.

'Gifts' are a symbolic transfer of power/ energy between people - they are about more than the 'stuff' involved. Wtf! Gifts are an expression of love and generosity (albeit misplaced in some cases) - seriously give the woman a break :-(

And 'grabby little brat' - a 3 year old excitedly ripping off the wrapping paper can't wait to get to the next present oh the horror!! Maybe just a tangerine in a stocking next time quash that normal excited child behaviour in a 3 year old!!

OP has ur SIL only got a DS and not a DD? Maybe she is buying lots for you because she wants your friendship and for ur DD because she can't have one?

It's lovely watching my kids excitedly rip the paper of presents we and their other relatives have bought them. When they know there's a limited number (which is about 20 presents all in, so hardly a tangerine in a sock) they appreciate what they've got and don't get grabby. Any kid would get grabby confronted with 20 gifts from one person, or maybe it's just mine?

Some benefit might as well come from this situation so later today I'll be doing exactly what cauliflowersqueeze says and packing them off to the local kids gift collection.

We've got a similar issue with presents from my in-laws. I just checked and we've got a large gift bag each. The kids have 12 individually wrapped parcels each. DH and I have slightly fewer parcels but, based on previous experience, each parcel will be ££.

We've managed to stop the "From Santa" presents because (a) the kids were getting confused about why there were presents from Santa under the tree when Santa brings presents on Christmas Eve and (b) parents do Santa presents, not Grandparents.

The amount of presents still upsets me. Possibly I'm an ungrateful brat, but I don't feel sackfuls of presents are necessary for Christmas. 12 parcels is roughly what each child will get from everyone on my side, in total. I know SIL has bought a maximum of 2 things for each child (because we agreed rough limits and she, with 8 prices & nephews, is happy to comply!) but there are also large gift bags with multiple parcels from 4 of DH's aunts and uncles. I get upset because the sheer amount of parcels from the grandparents is greater than the amount brought from Santa. I get upset because the sheer £££ value of the presents is unnecessary, especially when much of what they buy is bulky, expensive crap. I get upset because much of what they buy seems deliberately chosen to spite DH and my principles. It's not chosen because they know the kids will like it because they don't know our kids well enough. I get upset because, and this is DH's take on his own parents, they're likely overcompensating for not spending enough time with our children. I get upset because I know that it'll take hours to unwrap everything and the kids will get bored. I get upset because my in-laws will Skype early on Christmas Day and will be visibly upset if we haven't opened every present (whereas DH and I prefer to do Santa presents in the morning and other presents later in the day).

Previously, we've ended up leaving the gifts from grandparents until Boxing Day. This year, we're away for Christmas and dh has already suggested not taking his parent's presents with us. That's upsetting in itself, to be honest, because I know he'd like our kids to open all their parcels on Christmas Day but there will be so much else happening that we simply won't have time. Then we'll have to deal with the added petulance from his parents when we're not suitably excited and grateful over presents we haven't opened yet.

Maybe I should just get a grip and be grateful but I'm struggling because they're

Bugger. Posted before I'd finished my rant!

Maybe I should just get a grip and be grateful but I'm struggling because their idea of what is necessary is not mine, yet I am expected to jump to their tune and express acceptable levels of gratitude for a quantity of gifts that makes me feel anxious and sick.

You know, the Three Wise Men had no issue with giving one gift each to the baby Jesus.....they didn't have a 'gift list'.....not did Mary or Joseph complain about the 'suitability' of the gifts.

I think you all need to revisit the actual spiritual essence of christmas, not the commercialized crap

bardolino 'anxious and sick' is exactly how it makes me feel too. I totally agree with you.

But this is all the commercialised crap thisthing. If it were one present from each person I wouldn't complain. If the wise men had had access to Poundland the Xmas story might have been very different.

How are we going to carry this gold back? I'm on a sodding donkey!!

Stealth

For all we know Mary was tutting and complaining all the way home. " Frankincense? For a baby? Have they no idea? Don't get me started on this Myrrh, you'd think they'd buy something useful like swaddling clothes."

Or one of those video monitor things.

Or mothercare vouchers - just a tiny amount of thought!!

..just one present between the Wise men would have been fine, tsk.

'Fuck's sake Joseph, you'll have to knock up a cabinet or something to keep all this shit in.'

"Joseph, do you think the neighbours would like this Myrrh, it's a shame for it to go to waste, dear. We'll save it for next year, there's bound to be a hoo hah about little one's birthday again."

They were wise. They probably had gift receipts.

stealth

We have to travel a long way for Christmas. The sacks have to fit in the already packed car, which adds to the stress levels. We have a SUV and still had to leave stuff behind last year which mil then posted on. (We paid)

In retrospect, the whole thing was absolute madness.

Ah but the three wise men had it right - money and consumable presents.