To find these gifts awkward and embarrassing?

[HardLightHologram]

Every year we make a point of saying we don't want much for Christmas for us or the kids. We firmly say we are sticking to a £20pp budget and would appreciate if they did too. We make lots of noise about decluttering and what a lot of stuff we've got, how the kids have gadgets and toys coming out of their ears.

And then every year without fail we hand over a single bag of gifts to SiL and BIL and they fill our car up in return. This year it is FIVE bin bag size bags of presents. A bag full each.

It is equal to the amount we've bought the kids. Totally over budget and completely unnecessary.

I struggle with this every year because what can you do? We've tried everything we can think of. We've even said firmly that we don't want this much stuff and that they arent sticking to the budget. BiL is adamant that SiL is just an amazing shopper and finds bargains. This just isn't true. It's all brand new branded stuff. Lego sets etc, which I know are rarely reduced by much. Current clothes from shops I shop in, not sale stuff.

I find it awkward, embarrassing and tbf a bit controlling.

I refuse to compete, so our gifts look pathetic in comparison.

Please, if anyone has any fresh ideas how to stop this I'd be so so grateful. Short of dumping it all back on her doorstep I am stuck.

And I know how weird and ungrateful this sounds but its suffocating me.

(Also you have probably read this thread before as I think I post a version of it every year).

Please help me.

I have a similar issue with my in laws. We all have to buy each other about 15-20 presents for each person for Christmas, at a spend of around £150 a head. We are all adults.

I have come to the conclusion that people have very different attitudes to stuff. My in laws find stuff comforting. Their house is literally packed with objects, to the point you can't actually move comfortably in any room. I think they enjoy the present buying and accumulating. I am the opposite- I find an excess of objects anxiety-inducing and I prefer a very decluttered house. These feelings extend into the presents: they clearly enjoy buying and wrapping them. I find it tremendously stress-inducing, to the point of tears. I literally start thinking about Christmas in February because that's the only way I can accumulate enough gifts and save enough money not to have a huge stress in November/December.

I think this divide goes very, very deep, and neither party can change very easily. For both sides, doing it the 'other' way would be difficult. I suck it up because I recognise different families have different cultures and I need to make an effort with the in laws, but I'd be lying if I said I enjoyed it. I feel guilty when I have to take a huge pile of presents to the charity shop every January.

I admire you for refusing to conform. Your SIL may well be the kind of person who lives her identity through shopping - buying nice presents may be how she relates to the world, how she expresses love. It's just unfortunate that she can't see that it's also making you uncomfortable. It's a bit like having a relation who doesn't like hugs, and insisting on hugging them constantly - a kind of refusal to listen, a refusal to 'hear' what the other person really wants, in order to impose your own idea of their desires on them. I don't know what more you can do to try to get the message across, other than to tell her absolutely straight that you know she only means to be lovely and caring, but it makes you feel stressed, uncomfortable and unhappy.

Liinoo, exactly like my mother.

She buys us around 40 gifts each, and like you they are all tat.

Poundshops are great, I use them lots , but my mother has a knack of choosing the worst on offer- light up plastic garden gnomes, signs saying "you don't have to be mad to live here but it helps", plastic angels , calendars ( one each) ,ceramic empty biscuit jars. I have explained repeatedly and gently that we would be happy with just one or two gifts, but she likes to "spoil " us. It does take the edge off, when we have to look excited at finding the contents of the gifts.

Even this year she is dropping hints and "teasing " us about how she fears she has gone "overboard" this year.

God bless early drinking on christmas day.

Rather than setting a budget, can you not just ask that you STOP buying presents for eachother, and instead DO something together, like start a traditional January Blues Meal out, or something? Take the focus away from things and move it to having some quality time together?

NC'd as this is a bit identifying.

We're in the same boat with my MIL, who (despite repeated conversations on the matter) buys DD, her only grandchild, way too many presents. To be fair, usually there will be a couple of nice things but then there will be a mountain of plastic tat. Plus the same for DH & myself. We have a small house & no room to store it all. She also buys clothes, toys, comics etc for DD regularly (every time shes sees her - about once a week) throughout the year. We have now started telling DD that if she brings, say, 6 soft toys home as she did this week, she needs to choose 6 toys to go to the charity shop, it could be the 6 toys her nanna has bought or 6 of her old toys. Hopefully DD will start refusing to bring the toys home... I don't care how cluttered the PILs house is (their last house was horrific, they are classic hoarders).

We've tried everything. We've come to the conclusion that nothing we do will work. The PILs recently lost their house as they couldn't pay the mortgage, but still regularly used to turn up with bagfuls of stuff for DD. (Most of which went straight to the charity shop.) They are unemployed & burning though what little equity came from the house sale at a shocking rate. Some people just don't want to listen.

There's a limit to how rude I can be, she is a tricky character and dh will do anything to avoid upsetting her or his brother

This is the key to it really isn't it? If your DH will do anything to avoid upsetting her, it's obvious the both of you aren't telling her firmly and with no wriggle room what you really feel.

You need to both go round after Christmas (this christmas... well... it's too late) and say we need 20 minutes of your time. Sit down, eyeball them, and tell them once and for all that you will not be accepting sackfuls of gifts ever again. And that if they should try next Christmas to do that again, the sacks won't make it through the front door. Your DH this year willingly put them in his boot, why? It can't upset you both that much if he quite happily takes all this stuff, you need to say what you mean and stick to it.

At the end of the meeting, ask them both if they understand that the £20 limit is £20 and you won't be accepting anything else and if they try to over buy again, you will ust drive round and leave it on their doorstep. Explain it is awkward for your children, for you and it has to stop and if they can't agree to this, it might be best if you stopped presents altogether between the families. But that you don't want that to happen so it is their choice..

I dont think you can change her. It sounds way over the top but I'm guessing she has a problem. Incipient hoarder or chronic shopper?

Either way I wouldnt get drawn in. I think I agree with Crumbs.

Also, practically, redesign your approach to those bags. Take out one gift for the kids and dont touch the rest. It's just new stuff to take straight down to Oxfam. It doesnt even need to come into the house. If you get a giftaid card from Oxfam they send you an annual statement of how much your goods have been sold for. That's quite satisfying. Or ebay it. Turn it into something you can be pleased with. I realise it's another chore for you so perhaps make it DH's job. It can be part of your New Year tradition....

I was going to suggest exactly what Fortheloveofdog said. Try having a 'strictly one present per person' rule. Tell them both straight after Xmas and tell them that if they don't stick to this then you'll take one preset per person from the pile/bag and will be leaving the rest with them to dispose of as they see fit.

And then stick to it.

My MIL is the same. Piles of presents for the DC and then the inevitable phone call at the end of January asking to borrow money to pay her bills.

We've told her over and over not to buy so much but she doesn't listen.

She got £17k in a redundancy payment once. Spent the lot in six months on crap.

I agree with others, sell some on eBay and definelty give some to a charity, telling the DC there are some people who really do need this stuff.

I'm going to stick my head above the parapet here and say you really don't have a right to try and dictate another adults buying behaviour.

I would be mortified if I was summoned to a family meeting to tell me that there was a problem also I would be furious if gifts I had bought for children were returned or given away without their knowledge.

If you want to instil some social responsibility in your children then why don't you explain there are less fortunate families and ask them to chose one/a few gifts to donate?

Where is the OPs OH in all this? Presumably it's his sister or brother doing this. Why can't he be the one doing this? He is closer to his own family after all.

And I echo a PP.
It wouldn't be a problem for me, not if it's stuff I can sell, then have a nice family day out with the proceeds.
Many dealers scour charity shops to find stuff to sell on ebay anyway, so the gifts are likely to be sold back online.
Sell it yourself, make a donation to charity and keep the profit.

I totally understand why this is annoying. We used to have the same problem with my husband's relatives buying us too much. They weren't respecting our wishes regarding presents so anything they were giving us felt tainted with a "screw you-you told us you didn't want all this but we've bought it anyway". It was actually quite upsetting looking at all the money they'd wasted giving us crap that we felt guilty sending straight to the charity shop.

Don't let this go-it's about them totally ignoring your wishes. We eventually agreed a price limit (which they still flout but at least it's in the same sort of order of magnitude). You could try asking for cash into savings accounts for your children or gift vouchers so you don't end up with so much stuff.

Unwrap them when you get home to see what they are. If you want to keep them then rewrap them for the kids. If you don't, sell them and put the money in the kids savings account for when their older.

If you don't want them and can't sell them then I would honestly put the whole lot in the car and drop them off at a charity shop

I would wait a while and sell them. Put the money in your children's bank accounts if they have them. We live in a tiny house, cupboards full of toys and they never play with them its x box and tablets.

I'm going to stick my head above the parapet here and say you really don't have a right to try and dictate another adults buying behaviour.

Of course you do.

Have you really never told anyone that they've done something you found upsetting or irritating and you don't want them to do it again?

So its her, and he goes along with it? Have you got him on his own to ask what he thinks? Sounds like she has a problem.
I do not think you are overreacting. Yes you can donate some to charity but you still have to deal with them in the meantime, open, dispose of wrappings, sort, package, store them until you can get to a charity shop when it's open and then lug them all in. All with nagging feelings of guilt and resentment. Why the hell should you?

Argh, too early. Missed the "buying" behaviour.

I still think it's fine to tell them if something's not working for you. We've asked for no calendars or bath stuff because they don't get used.

Presents are supposed to be a treat not a burden.

i really think if you took them to a refuge, BEFORE Xmas, at least it would mean someone in need will get and appreciate them.

As someone else suggested, can you open them today (without the kids around) choose a few things your DC will love them rewrap and take to a refuge.

Could the giver have a shopping addiction?

With the random things during the year, this crossed my mind too.

As they are already wrapped and you know what age they are intended for, I'd donate them now - Salvation Army are taking wrapped labelled gifts by age/gender.

Let her know you did it and keep doing that. But maybe have a word with BIL as if he's spinning the "she's a good shopper" line he may be in denial too.

I would write them a nice thank you letter after Christmas, but say that in future please could they stick to one gift each. Dress it up a bit with how much stuff you have in your house & how generous they are but say that it makes you feel uncomfortable. If it is in writing there can be no misunderstanding & it's not to awkward (but then I hate conflict too). Suggest they make a charity donation on the children's behalf if you think this will help?

I find it hard to get het up about this. There are plenty of children that won't get any gifts this year. Donate what you don't need to a children's charity. Win-win. Tell your SIL that is what you are doing. She will either not buy as much next year or continue, and in that case, a regular donation to less fortunate children can only be a good thing.

Attack the problem from the other end.

Sit your children down (how old are they) and say. "You know how Uncle and Auntie always give us 20 presents and we give them one present? From now on we're only keeping one present from what they give and we'll donate the others to charities because there are some people including children who don't get presents."

The kids will be reluctant at first but children have a natural sense of justice. They will understand that 20 presents is too much. They'll ask why Uncle and Auntie can't give less in the first place and you'll have to say you've asked but they won't give less and you can't make them. They may ask if you can give more.

At Christmas get out a big box and talk about how excited people will be to get new things donated instead of old ones. Maybe take the kids with you to donate directly to a refuge or shelter.

You can't stop the shower of gifts but you can avoid raising entitled greedy children.

It involved the op storing, sorting and finding a charity shop open when she can get there. That would tip me over the edge right now