To find these gifts awkward and embarrassing?

[HardLightHologram]

Every year we make a point of saying we don't want much for Christmas for us or the kids. We firmly say we are sticking to a £20pp budget and would appreciate if they did too. We make lots of noise about decluttering and what a lot of stuff we've got, how the kids have gadgets and toys coming out of their ears.

And then every year without fail we hand over a single bag of gifts to SiL and BIL and they fill our car up in return. This year it is FIVE bin bag size bags of presents. A bag full each.

It is equal to the amount we've bought the kids. Totally over budget and completely unnecessary.

I struggle with this every year because what can you do? We've tried everything we can think of. We've even said firmly that we don't want this much stuff and that they arent sticking to the budget. BiL is adamant that SiL is just an amazing shopper and finds bargains. This just isn't true. It's all brand new branded stuff. Lego sets etc, which I know are rarely reduced by much. Current clothes from shops I shop in, not sale stuff.

I find it awkward, embarrassing and tbf a bit controlling.

I refuse to compete, so our gifts look pathetic in comparison.

Please, if anyone has any fresh ideas how to stop this I'd be so so grateful. Short of dumping it all back on her doorstep I am stuck.

And I know how weird and ungrateful this sounds but its suffocating me.

(Also you have probably read this thread before as I think I post a version of it every year).

Please help me.

I understand this all too well.

About 20 years ago I was totally skint. My ex and I agreed on a £20 budget for presents. We always spent Christmas with his parents and Christmas was a very big deal.

I handed him a cd and book I knew he wanted.

He produced two gifts. One, a beautiful gold necklace and bracelet - worth about a £800 or so I reckon - and a pair of very high end headphones.

It wasn't that I wasn't grateful but we agreed . I felt embarrassed and ashamed because such a big thing was made of it. His mother of course noticed the very fleeting look of shock/dismay and kicked off. His sister made a pointed comment about my lack of 'proper gift'.

It was expected that I wear it every Christmas. The fuss about it all was mentioned every year thereafter. He found it amusing. I didn't.

I've not worn the jewellery since we split.

And the crippling anxiety I feel about receiving presents now is awful. As pathetic as it sounds I haven't felt able to enjoy that aspect of Christmas or birthdays since.

Its a shame isn't it, because all that generosity could be genuinely useful later in life rather than wasted on children's plastic. is there anything she buys that could be mint boxed and saved??.

i would find it hard to get over the feeling that a trust fund or house deposit or even lessons in something cool would be better. might she be receptive to some sense, or is it all about the opening thrill?

mind you i say all this but my sisters massively controlling and gossipy MIL would do the same, as would her family, so my nephew and niece would just have plastic shit everywhere. she would gift bags of kids clothes from charity shops too and then bitch about how untidy my sister was. some people are just a fucking problem.. thats their job.

I really feel for you as its both boumdary ignoring and obligating. the 'correct' response is to hand them back and de-invite them... but then you'll seem like the bad guy..so it is manipulative. i would back a ban though!

Anther one here wondering if she's an obsessive shoplifter. It sounds a likely explanation, quite seriously.

I think you should all choose one or two gifts each to keep and donate the rest to women's aid or similar. And tell them you are doing it. And will continue to do it until she stops.

thegaelic Howawful for you. I know what you mean, it's unfair isn't it? People can be so dim sometimes. They tell themselves they are doing a lovely selfless thing but really it's about them and the feeling they get from being over generous rather than being about you, It leaves you feeling worse than if they hadn't bothered. But if you complain you look ungrateful and joyless. I would have been furious too.

Apart from anything else, if someone's determined to spend £800 on Jewellery for me I'd be wanting to steer them in the right direction so it wasn't money down the drain for something I'd never wear!

I'd be tempted to try and return some of it at least to the shops. Even if it means you end up with a gift card that you can use later in the year.

But I wonder if she is buying throughout the year and not realising just how much she is spending.

I am another who thinks she may have a mental health issue/addiction. Surely no one without mental health issue/addiction would buy someone hoards of gifts everytime they saw them.

I think you need to ask why they do it. I wouldn't do a formal sit down, just every time you see them ask casually, separately:

Why do you buy so much? Why don't you stick to the £20 agreement? How can you afford it? What do you want us to do with all the extras we don't want?

Sooner or later someone will say something that rings true!

She has a shopping addiction. I would refuse the gifts. It's horrible and time to stop it. Take one at random out of each bag then tell her the rest are going back to her. Drop them back to her be calm and kind and say we don't want to accept these please give them to someone else.

You and your H have been rather passive in all this. Why are you both scared to be assertive? Will SiL and BiL respond unreasonably?

For this year I would open them all privately, rewrap the DC something suitable each from the gifts, then DH tell BiL and SiL that you can either return the gifts that you don't wish to accept to them, for reasons previously discussed, or give them to charity.

I really would have no qualms in not accepting them, it's not confrontational to reasonable say no to someone especially when they've ignored your polite requests.

In the distant past I've refused gifts from new-ish boyfriends that I felt were too generous/out of proportion for the amount of time we'd been dating/together. It really was as easy as just saying 'I'm really sorry but I don't feel comfortable accepting this, it's too much. Can you get your money back?' and then handing it back to them, repeating the above when they protested.

In your case as the gifts have already been received I would choose one or two random gifts out the bags for each recipient then put the rest in the boot of the car and return them to b&s-il, with a simple explanation along the lines of
'we really can't accept this amount of gifts, we do appreciate your generosity but this is too much, we don't have the space needed for it all and it's making us too uncomfortable. Others buy for us too and we have asked all family and friends to just buy to xx value. We're more than happy to pass on the children's bank account details if you still feel like you want to spend more than xx amount but we can't accept this amount of gifts'.

When they protest, just repeat throwing in a reminder that you did ask them last year, a sympathetic smile then change the subject. Each time they protest do the above. In future if they try and give you that amount again just smile and say 'really sorry but we can't accept that amount, do you want to choose one or two gifts to give to each of us and then get the money back for the rest?', rinse and repeat.

They may be offended, but that's their choice. They've had no qualms in offending you for the past 10 years..

I have so much sympathy for you. It is controlling and intensely irritating.
My parents do this every Christmas and birthday but they buy cheap plastic shit that looks awful or breaks.
I've spoken to them every single time now prior to the event and they always maintain they haven't bought much then turn up with a car full of stuff.
How hard can it be to JUST BUY ONE FUCKING GIFT!

My mum is a bit like this, not in terms of buying really expensive stuff, but in terms of sheer quantity of presents. She loves shopping and finding bargains (TK Maxx is her Mecca) and always gives lots of gifts. When I was little I got SO much stuff for Xmas. I am now in my 30s and she still does a huge stocking for me every year, despite my protests. It is impossible for her to give someone just one item as a gift, it ALWAYS has to be three or four. She loves shopping and loves giving. Her brother is very minimalist and has asked her in the past to just get him one item for each bday/Xmas instead of lots, but she just can't do it. She sees that as getting one 'main' present and then the other little things she also gives don't really count somehow...

My mum does this. I have had firm words with her over the years and begged my dad to intervene but he says he can't stop her. It's not just christmas, every time they go on holiday they come home wth a huge bag of souvenirs and the kids get presents practically every time they go to their house.
I think my mum has a shopping addiction, she has wardrobes full of clothes she will never wear, and the kitchen is jam packed with food that will never get eaten.
I really can't stop her and have got sick of the arguments, so now I insist that the kids presents are given to me rather than directly to them, then I take half of them to a charity shop or regift them.

This reminds me of the other thread with granny entitled kids expecting cash. If nothing else worked, I'd swing the other way

1 we don't want to do a gift exchange anymore - and buy them NOTHING in return.

1. Expect she still presents you with a mountain of stuff for initial year or two, but ask her for the gift receipts as your kids didn't like a lot of the stuff and you gave it to charity ... Oh and if she insists on giving gifts, maybe next time she can stick to cash or vouchers please because your dc enjoy picking out their own gifts now. Email this now.

Take the wind out of her sail by looking ungrateful and unappreciative.

When she presents her bag of offerings, look pissed off. Both of you. Hiss, fucks sake, not her tat again... didn't you tell her we wanted cash to each other in pretend whisper. Treat her like a cash cow and be ungrateful. Never thank her.

Granny? Autocorrect fail sorry

Oh and if the kids are old enough to, get them to write birthday wish lists that include newest iPads. Like she was the birthday Santa. And cheerfully explain of course you don't expect her to buy it for them expectant pause but they're saving up so they will be really disappointed if they get the usual bag of stuff she gets instead of cash. And you will help them eBay it to raise the cash, of course.

One thing that struck me was the lie - the bloke says "she just finds amazing bargains!" which suggests he's bought into a lie she must be telling. She lies about her purchases. Not very healthy. She's walking around with 5 bin sacks claiming she found it all in Home Bargains or a 20% code? If she's lying she's hiding something and knows she's doing something others will disapprove of. That does suggest shopping addiction or a mental health issue.

Branded Lego kits and tags-on, still in store clothes sell great on Ebay. I'd be dividing the stuff up into tat and saleable and making a tidy Ebay profit off it. If she won't listen, you may as well benefit.

You've already confronted them, you've already BOTH seriously confronted them, as it hasn't worked. The nastiness ideas make me a bit uncomfortable - it's going to be hard for anyone to put their manners aside and do that - but beyond another sit-down chat, a serious one, not at Christmas and with no distractions, I'm not sure there's much that can be done. Not without getting to the root cause of the issue (addiction theft, bipolar) and that's for her to do.

So.... yeah. Ebay. You could at least come away wth £200+ in your pocket.

My DM and MIL used to get into competitive gift giving at Christmas, DD was the only grandchild between them for years, so they used to turn up on Christmas morning with huge bags full of presents, it used to make me feel physically sick wondering where it was all going to go.

My SIL tells me what to get her DC and it's never enough, well under what I want to pay, and under I'll be spending on other DNs so I'm afraid I buy something extra but it's always something useful like PJs or a jumper not toys.

Just say thank you and then donate it,you can't dictate what people buy you but you can choose wether to keep it or not.

I'd stick them on ebay after christmas and put the money into the kid's college fund.

Easy, no sweat.

Thank you all so much for understanding.

I think the eBay plan is a good one. Ds1 wants a new cpu for Christmas and we suggested seeing what Christmas money he got (they're about £400!) so if I tell him he can sell unwanted gifts he'll be chuffed. He doesn't need or want anything else, in fact I've really struggled to buy him things that he will want this year so he has stuff to open. SiL will (based on past years) have got things like bedding and board games and toys, which is all very nice but completely unnecessary. It also leaves me with the dilemma of trying to raise kids who are grateful for what they get, when they get given piles and piles of stuff they have no use for.

I do wonder if she thinks we don't have enough things, we're far from minimalist but their house is full to the gills with candles, ornaments and toys, I'm not exaggerating when I say there is not an inch of empty shelf or cupboard space in her house.

I often joke with dh that she must have a shoplifting habit, but I think she is just a compulsive shopper. BiL must live in denial. I mean, I'm a spendy bugger (although I tend to buy a few expensive things rather than bags and bags of stuff) but I seriously don't know how she does it.

I guess its just their way of showing Love and Care.

My mum does this but on a smaller scale. Bags and bags of gifts but it is all tat that she has picked up over the year from `Poundland etc (nothing wrong with Poundland, there are great bargains to be had, but Mum has an eye for tat rather than bargains). And every single little bit of tat is painstakingly wrapped. It must take her weeks.

It makes me sad that she puts so much time and effort into this when as soon as she leaves the house 95% of it goes into a box in the boot to be delivered to a far away charity shop. It also dilutes the present wrapping experience (always on Boxing Day in our house) when we all have to produce enthusiastic responses for yet another novelty stapler/packet of paper clips/pair of gloves.

I don't know if you have tried this, but don't give her a budget. Give her a limit of one physical item per person?

Could your sil be the poster who says that shopping is a hobby?

Seriously, could she be a shopping addict? Convincing her dh that it is all bargains seems odd. I once knew a girl like that, turned out she was £thousands in debt.