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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find these gifts awkward and embarrassing?

350 replies

HardLightHologram · 14/12/2016 23:33

Every year we make a point of saying we don't want much for Christmas for us or the kids. We firmly say we are sticking to a £20pp budget and would appreciate if they did too. We make lots of noise about decluttering and what a lot of stuff we've got, how the kids have gadgets and toys coming out of their ears.

And then every year without fail we hand over a single bag of gifts to SiL and BIL and they fill our car up in return. This year it is FIVE bin bag size bags of presents. A bag full each.

It is equal to the amount we've bought the kids. Totally over budget and completely unnecessary.

I struggle with this every year because what can you do? We've tried everything we can think of. We've even said firmly that we don't want this much stuff and that they arent sticking to the budget. BiL is adamant that SiL is just an amazing shopper and finds bargains. This just isn't true. It's all brand new branded stuff. Lego sets etc, which I know are rarely reduced by much. Current clothes from shops I shop in, not sale stuff.

I find it awkward, embarrassing and tbf a bit controlling.

I refuse to compete, so our gifts look pathetic in comparison.

Please, if anyone has any fresh ideas how to stop this I'd be so so grateful. Short of dumping it all back on her doorstep I am stuck.

And I know how weird and ungrateful this sounds but its suffocating me.

(Also you have probably read this thread before as I think I post a version of it every year).

Please help me.

OP posts:
DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 15/12/2016 00:02

Can you choose one nice thing each and give the rest back? If she refuses to understand subtle, she can't really ignore 4 bags on her doorstep. I like receiving the odd nice present but what you're experiencing sounds awful.

Could the giver have a shopping addiction?

It's bizarre behaviour really, to give to such excess that the recipient feels uncomfortable. Could the buyer have a personality disorder, do they do anything else unusual?

FestiveBiscuits · 15/12/2016 00:02

Have you explained how bad this makes you feel or have you just said things like 'you don't have to buy us all this'.

Anyone who kept doing it after knowing it really upsets you needs a no none sense approach next year like refusing to accept the gifts.

I would donate the wrapped gifts to local hospital or toy appeal now and if you're brave enough tell her this.

KnowOneNose · 15/12/2016 00:02

Is she a shoplifter? Grin

It sounds like you have already been clear and that she is deliberately not listening. Is it possible that you can just accept the presents and not worry about it. There is certainly no reason for you to be embarrassed about it. It sounds almost comical, can you just trivial use it and see as something odd but harmless. I wouldn't worry about being overly grateful and would say thank you as I would if it were a more modest gift. If you don't have space or don't like things I wouldn't hesitate to get rid of it.

baconandeggies · 15/12/2016 00:05

"I'm sorry but as we've told you before - we simply can't accept the mountain of presents - whilst we appreciate the effort, the sheer volume of gifts is just too much and we find it overwhelming. We'll be giving them straight to charity in future"

Does she have a shopaholic / shoplifting problem??

ChasedByBees · 15/12/2016 00:06

Can you return them to the shop before the kids open them (you may need to rewrap after looking) and then give the kids the money for their savings?

Crumbs1 · 15/12/2016 00:07

Look on it as accepting gifts (and then donating to school fete/charity shop) is making someone else very happy. Some people love buying presents so a bit unkind to not accept graciously and then de clutter when they've gone. Why ruin a relationship for something so trivial? There are many things in the world to be angry about but someone else's generosity isn't one of them. If you hand lots of lovelynstuff over to a charity shop you will then feel good too.

MrsMcMoo · 15/12/2016 00:09

Bloody hell what a pain in the arse. My mother is somewhat like this. It's a corollary of hoarding type behaviour. It's impossible to deal with without being labelled as the bad guy. Would a clear email, in September, saying 'it's so kind and thoughtful of you to get us all these lovely presents, but we'd like to keep the spend to £20 as agreed so we can save up for [whatever], and it makes us feel embarrassed and awkward to get so much in return. Please can we both agree to stick to the agreed limit this year? Lots of love' etc etc.

albertcampionscat · 15/12/2016 00:10

I'm with Crumbs. Smile, nod & then ship the lot to a good cause.

ElleMcElle · 15/12/2016 00:10

I think your DH is right - have them over (without the kids around), let them know in advance that you're having them over because there's something you need to discuss, then be absolutely clear - if you're feeling upset, let them see how much it upsets you. Explain as you have here that you find it undermining and suffocating. Very tricky situation - good luck!

baconandeggies · 15/12/2016 00:11

To give you so many gifts they don't fit under the tree and you have to store then in the hall isn't generosity - it's obscene and also bonkers behaviour.

Imagine always being trumped on your DC's birthday by Auntie who comes swanning in with a sack load of expensive stuff?

HopefulHamster · 15/12/2016 00:16

Sell it all and save the money for the inevitable day she admits how much debt she's in... and if she doesn't you've handily saved a load!

Joking... mostly

FestiveBiscuits · 15/12/2016 00:16

To the people saying just smile and say thanks, I really disagree. There is something seriously off about this behaviour and no way I could brush it off. It would eat away at me and ruin our relationship.

TheCatsMother99 · 15/12/2016 00:22

A member of my family does this too. I've asked them time and time again not to but they go overboard every year.

Makes me feel really awkward because, whilst I can technically afford to buy them the same amount back, I don't want to buy this amount of gifts for the person as I don't think that's the point of Christmas at all but I worry I look like scrooge.

Would love it if I saw an answer here I can use myself!

MrsHathaway · 15/12/2016 00:22

If the DC haven't seen them I'd select one each and take the rest to a refuge/food bank/Rotary/Lions.

This is just rude. It's one thing saying "ooh I know we said £20 but this jumper was £30 and I just couldn't resist". Who doesn't recognise that a BIN BAG FULL of presents is OTT?

baconandeggies · 15/12/2016 00:28

One could presume that if she knows full well how embarrassing it is for you, that she's doing it deliberately and on purpose (one-upmanship? control? needing so be seen as the most generous / loving etc?)

baconandeggies · 15/12/2016 00:30

Do you think she feels she needs to be THE BEST?

zen1 · 15/12/2016 00:31

Have you asked her why she does it? I would be blunt and ask her why she continues to buy so many gifts despite the fact that you have asked her not to. See what she says.

baconandeggies · 15/12/2016 00:33

indeed - good idea. Actually, do^ you have concerns about her mental health?

LetitiaCropleysCookbook · 15/12/2016 00:37

Do they seem 'off' with you, given the disparity between your gifts and theirs? If not, then they are obviously not expecting you to reciprocate -they just enjoy buying presents! I know just what you mean about having too much 'stuff, though. I think their presents are prime candidates for re-gifting. Could save you lots of money, not having to buy for your dc's friends' birthdays, for example.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 15/12/2016 00:38

Yanbu. I would find (do find) this sort of thing quite upsetting.

My dbro gave us presents plus an actual envelope of cash one year. Dh was embarrassed. Actually I think everyone in the room was embarrassed that year.

I'd prefer it if we did one present per adult secret Santa style with a decent budget and one present per child - spend what you like but just one. Otherwise gifts in private between couples or whatever. It's the sheer excess that becomes totally mindless that worries me.

I think until you have a whole house groaning with tat child yourself some people don't get it's not how much you spend that counts and kids don't care that they got a £5 present or a £50 present so long as it's a present they wanted!

sobeyondthehills · 15/12/2016 00:38

I have been in this position and had tried everything from the subtle (and I am not known to be subtle) to full on we cannot handle this amount of gifts.

Long and short, I got given 2 christmas sacks for my DS a week before Christmas. I spent the evening opening them, picked out five he would like, and took the rest to a toy collection and took a photo and sent it to them. With a thank you. Last two years have got nothing, but prefer that now.

PlasticRejection · 15/12/2016 01:04

Send the stuff my way.
If you know she buys so much stuff then just don't buy anything yourself. Label it all from Santa and enjoy a cheap Xmas.
Kids don't need piles of stuff. I thought it was about family or that Jesus Geezer.

I wish I had this problem.

QueenLizIII · 15/12/2016 01:35

Is she regifting?

Reverse psychology maybe? Give them nothing next year and dont even say thank you for theirs.

maybe the more you tell her not to, the worse she is. IDK but something going on.

73kittycat73 · 15/12/2016 02:06

Could you not suggest she keeps them round hers for when you and the kids visit? That way it would soon build up and she would see herself how much she is buying.

Graphista · 15/12/2016 02:23

It's not always from a generous place this kind of behaviour. My sister used to do this kind of thing it was not about generosity it was about being SEEN to be generous, playing the hero. They'd often be 'gifts' that were unsuitable or even outright offensive too.

It's controlling and aimed to undermine. Why would you aim to be more generous to children that aren't yours than their parents are willing/able to be?

I'm now Nc with sister (for lots of reasons but this type of behaviour was one of the admittedly minor ones).

I'd sit them down for a clear assertive conversation and if they STILL do it ask them at exchange time to select one to two gifts per recipient that they really would like you to have and ask them to return/regift/donate the rest.