To find these gifts awkward and embarrassing?

[HardLightHologram]

Every year we make a point of saying we don't want much for Christmas for us or the kids. We firmly say we are sticking to a £20pp budget and would appreciate if they did too. We make lots of noise about decluttering and what a lot of stuff we've got, how the kids have gadgets and toys coming out of their ears.

And then every year without fail we hand over a single bag of gifts to SiL and BIL and they fill our car up in return. This year it is FIVE bin bag size bags of presents. A bag full each.

It is equal to the amount we've bought the kids. Totally over budget and completely unnecessary.

I struggle with this every year because what can you do? We've tried everything we can think of. We've even said firmly that we don't want this much stuff and that they arent sticking to the budget. BiL is adamant that SiL is just an amazing shopper and finds bargains. This just isn't true. It's all brand new branded stuff. Lego sets etc, which I know are rarely reduced by much. Current clothes from shops I shop in, not sale stuff.

I find it awkward, embarrassing and tbf a bit controlling.

I refuse to compete, so our gifts look pathetic in comparison.

Please, if anyone has any fresh ideas how to stop this I'd be so so grateful. Short of dumping it all back on her doorstep I am stuck.

And I know how weird and ungrateful this sounds but its suffocating me.

(Also you have probably read this thread before as I think I post a version of it every year).

Please help me.

My PIL (and in the past, SIL too) do this. I really, really hate it. The DSs get an obscene amount of stuff, not all of it fab stuff, but MIL goes by the 'pile 'em high' maxim. As if it's better to have a literal mountain of tat that the boys get tired of opening halfway through, than a few well chosen things. They hardly ever ask for advice on what the boys might like/need, and sometimes there are duplications. But the thing that hacks me off most is that we don't go for a massive pile, we're sane - and the bin bags that they bring are about triple the amount we get them for Christmas or birthdays. It's obscene, and it also, stupidly, makes me feel stingy!

Secret Santa?

Glom it's so weird isn't it. It's not generous to give people stuff they do not want. Surely as an adult you should act in the best interests of the child not indulge your addiction to spending. It makes me cross and worried. No wonder so many people are in debt.

ExConstance, it is not stealing. I would just prefer that my kids don't grow up spoiled and buying in to conspicuous consumption as the result of the excessive shopping habit of a relative who has a bad shopping habit and an empty life. I am summing that you don't have any kids.

Lollie - I agree with exconstance the items don't belong to the parents they belong to the children therefore it's essential theft.

Gifts don't make children spoilt, not appreciating things and lack of value make children spoilt the idea that if some one gives them something they do not want means they can sneer and sell the item and they don't have to be thankful will make them spoilt not the actual receipt of the gift.

The lesson to be taught here is grace and gratitude, could the children not thank their aunt and uncle and send them a letter/ home made gift/card as thanks?

Can't understand the people saying be grateful, she enjoys giving gifts. RTFT, ffs. It's neither kind nor well thought out, it's either a compulsion the sil has or a control mechanism, to control either the people receiving the unwanted tat or to control the giver's anxiety over the whole issue.

Be cruel to be kind (and save her from bankruptcy!) and sit them down for a serious chat. Does she conceal her crazy spending from her dh? Bet she does.

If they won't listen let them buy the gifts. Let your children choose one or two they want then keep the rest untouched in a cupboard ready to be regifted.

I'm going to be out of step here but I agree with Crumbs1- she obviously is one of those people who just loves being generous/ giving. The fact they say they got it all in sales or as bargains means she is obviously not doing this as point scoring, and maybe they have more money than you know, or just really enjoy buying presents. I'm really sorry and I can tell most of posters disagree but I honestly don't see the problem with accepting graciously, saying as it is too much stuff for you to house you hope she won't be offended if you donate. Every single year radios run appeals for kids in hospitals/ homeless/ in refuges etc couldn't you just enjoy the fact you could share the love and pass on lots of the things to them? Surely that's win/ win?

I never know whether she is being purposely off or whether it's all calculated

She does know what she's doing, it's just that she has an addiction so won't stop doing it.
It sounds like she's a hoarder, has a shopping addiction and self esteem/anxiety issues, with competitive one-up-man-ship mixed in.

You have to give her the cold turkey treatment....pick what you'd like and leave the rest with her.
Yes, it's great that you can sell/regift/donate the extra stuff - but it's just extra hassle for you, and it just enables her.

I don't see why people are being so unreasonable to the OP or why there needs to be such debate over "my view" on mental health. At the end of the day if it upsets the"OP" it matters enough to her to say something. I think parenting..especially motherhood is full of prejudice, judgement and bullshit..should we not just be there for one another enough to say "this shit is hard enough.. don't let anyone make it harder?!"

busy

Fair point.

However, in my experience shopping addiction is heavily related to personal debt. To not intervene may serve the higher good, but it won't help sil.

Def sounds like SIL has a spending problem. She is 'justifying' buying decisions using your DC. Bet she is lying to BIL about amount spent.
I sympathise, I would want to weep too. Not sure bestcourse of action though? ... talk to BIL?

We have a few friends who between us found that a fun trip out with the kids has now become a Christmas tradition, it started with going to the Christmas markets and having extravagant hot chocolates and hog roasts (something we would usually say is too expensive) this has morphed into an Ice Skating trip now the children are older, still with hot chocolate and marshmallows but the hog roast is a little harder.
Maybe find a family thing to do and in essance pay for each other, we have worked out we usually don't pay much more than we would if we went on our own but with friends things can be more exciting.
The age range of our combined Children are now from 22 to 4, it is the only time of the year we all manage to get together and it is a great afternoon/evening. It is great to watch the older children help, have fun, teach the younger children. This avoids buying/recieving gifts for anyone, as the time out together is the gift!
Hopefully you can come up with something that works for you.

Redirect her or the gifts to local PTA for Santa's Grotto or better still a charity for children as others have suggested. Or invite all your kids mates over in the hols to pick a present from mad Aunty Sarah. If she can't stop herself, she could at least shower gifts on those that have none.

Don't shoot me ...... has she only one child by choice? Maybe they can't have any more and she's always wanted a large family and she's using your children as 'surrogates' is she over the top around them? Loving / hugging / playing with them like she adores them?

I don't think this woman is spiteful or being deliberately unkind I think she is struggling with some emotional issue and shopping helps her.

OP repeatedly refers to being more than they've bought, why make the comparison? Do the DCs check the label on every gift and ask why DA has bought more than everyone else or you haven't bought more?

I was ur SIL 10 years ago, in an abusive marriage, wanted more children but could have them (dh had become infertile due to excessive alcohol consumption which then led to the abuse) and I used to start shopping from September for all the kids in my family, I got into debt yes but someone insisting that my gifts weren't wanted would have sent me spiriting down. I got divorced, sorted my life out and now have 3 more kids of my own to spoil.

Why don't you reach out to the woman, she might need a friend, she might be miss happy jolly on the outside but someone very different at home x

Why should OP have to spend time faffing arsing about unwrapping and rewrapping presents she's already said she doesn't want, on top of all the other Xmas/post-Xmas chores? Bugger that.

Go round with DH now and the bin bags of presents and say "We cannot accept these. We've asked repeatedly for you to not give this many presents and we will no longer be accepting them. Please pick out one or two now whilst we're here and we'll take just those ones back with us. We love that you feel so generous towards us/the kids but it makes us VERY VERY uncomfortable and is not the gifting approach that we want to take as a family. You need to know that if you keep doing this we will simply give them straight to a charity or sell them on eBay because we're sick of telling you that we don't want this many presents and your deliberately not respecting our wishes".

Sorted.

Two options, depending on your tolerance of conflict:

Zero conflict - eBay the unopened stuff and put the money in your kid's savings accounts. (Or charity shop but I can see this is a hassle for you with no car). Or if in a busy area put on a table outside your house with a sign saying "FREE"

Some conflict - have a numerical gift limit e.g. one/ two/ three ITEMS per person maximum. Explain clearly well in advance. Then enforce this when you collect the presents. No chance for wriggle room. "Oh there has been a mistake, there are more than three items for Jane here, which three shall we take? No, we can't take all forty of them, only three. Which three? OK, I'll choose, I'll take these three. Thank you, goodbye".

Well that's your kids friends birthdays sorted for the next year! Don't stress about it! Tell them again firmly it's over the top and unnecessary, if they keep doing it then just accept. I wouldn't be giving all the gifts to the kids though. Maybe select a few and charity shop/ regifting the rest.

Giving the presents to a charity is stealing from children?! That's made me laugh! I presume when I had a blitz on one of my DCs rooms and gave some toys to charity I was stealing from my child?!

As for a pp saying, why make the comparison and do your DCs check every label? Errrr.... yes... when mine were little we used to make sure they knew who every gift was from in case they needed a thank you letter (great aunt Doris from across the country who is a bit lonely etc). As for making the comparison, I'm sure the OP can't help noticing she hands over 3 presents and receives 5 sackfulls back!

how about suggesting that next year they donate to a childrens charity (or any other favourite charity) instead of buying presents? Find something that they would be really interested in and suggest that you all contribute. Do you think they would go for it? Good luck.

Probably roseb that wouldn't give them the same kick as knowing they are gaily (but controllingly) forcing gifts on someone that they KNOW they don't want. Doesn't have the same payback.

OP and her DH simply need to stop having such a light touch with this if they genuinely don't like it, take the sackfuls of presents back TODAY and that would be the problem sorted. If you don't like the way something is, do something definitive about it, or don't moan about it really.

It's easily within the gift of OP and her DH to sort this stupid situation out - they clearly don't enjoy it so why not just make it stop?

She obviously likes buying presents. If you feel that strongly don't give them all to the children and use them for the millions of kids parties as gifts. I'm not a massive fan of re-gifting but in this instance it could work. Saves hurting her feelings and stops your house clutter. Kids won't know.

And that's teaching OPs children.... what?

That when someone subjects you to something you find upsetting and controlling despite your clearly stating your preference, you pretend it's ok and go furtively to 'deal with it', rather than just facing the problem like adults and sorting it out??

How much money do you think she spends on each of you?

I've read this entire thread thoroughly as I did have exactly this issue in the past with SIL.

It's a horrible feeling when someone ignores your requests so blatantly and you feel powerless to stop it. It's not about you or your children when someone does this. It's about them, their self fulfilment and it's not pleasant. For us it went much further (and yes we did recognise that there were mental health issues).

The presents thing was abhorrent. We also have three children and she would spend approximately £1000 on each of our children. It wasn't even that we could give them away, we could and did! It was how our children changed when they came in! They became 'grabby' and horrible but PIL and SIL all very strong characters and would take over. It was horrid.

Our children were very young at the time and, even though we very much taught them that Christmas was about much more than just presents, they still ended up being drawn into the whole grab a present open it, how big is your pile thing!

We tried numerous things over the years.

1. spend limit.
2. amount limit.
3. meeting at grandparents and leaving some there (met with vile hostility)
4. meet at theirs and 'leave' a few there by 'accident'. Just brought them back.
5. not having children there when they arrived and asking them to take some away as we physically didn't have the space...ignored.
6. direct conversation this isn't working and we feel... blah blah. but met with blank looks.

The situation got worse and worse (over years and years) with her with fake illnesses, stealing money, bad mouthing us and trying to manipulate our eldest child to stay with her ( turned really scary!!).

In the end we spoke with her husband about her mental health issues but it fell on deaf ears. He enabled her behaviour and wasn't changing that. We wanted her to get help to recognise what was happening but ultimately she couldn't see it and, as it was taking over our lives, we took the decision to stop seeing them entirely. We had to put our children's wellbeing (and ours!!) first and had tried very hard to make it work (I've seriously skirted all the issues and the lengths we went to to try and rectify it! I'd be here for a months!).

That took some stamina and an emotional hard hat!!!

Five years on and we are so happy!!

Children now much older and they can look back and see what happened. We talk very openly about mental health and also talk about our decision and why we made it. We make it clear that we don't hate her but we didn't like how her behaviour affected us all and had to do something about it.

I'm not happy that we couldn't resolve it all in a different way but the feeling of having control back over our lives is such a relief!

Not sue there's any help in this at all??!!