To find these gifts awkward and embarrassing?

[HardLightHologram]

Every year we make a point of saying we don't want much for Christmas for us or the kids. We firmly say we are sticking to a £20pp budget and would appreciate if they did too. We make lots of noise about decluttering and what a lot of stuff we've got, how the kids have gadgets and toys coming out of their ears.

And then every year without fail we hand over a single bag of gifts to SiL and BIL and they fill our car up in return. This year it is FIVE bin bag size bags of presents. A bag full each.

It is equal to the amount we've bought the kids. Totally over budget and completely unnecessary.

I struggle with this every year because what can you do? We've tried everything we can think of. We've even said firmly that we don't want this much stuff and that they arent sticking to the budget. BiL is adamant that SiL is just an amazing shopper and finds bargains. This just isn't true. It's all brand new branded stuff. Lego sets etc, which I know are rarely reduced by much. Current clothes from shops I shop in, not sale stuff.

I find it awkward, embarrassing and tbf a bit controlling.

I refuse to compete, so our gifts look pathetic in comparison.

Please, if anyone has any fresh ideas how to stop this I'd be so so grateful. Short of dumping it all back on her doorstep I am stuck.

And I know how weird and ungrateful this sounds but its suffocating me.

(Also you have probably read this thread before as I think I post a version of it every year).

Please help me.

Take the tags off and say they're from you? Save a few quid yourselves and use it on the food shop! 😂 Waste not want not and all that!

Agree, she is doing something to the Op that she knows the OP doesn't like. She is not being "generous" or showing love..

I'm shocked by the amount of people who seem to think they are doctors, psychiatrists etc. You have no idea about mental illnesses - you're just keyboard warriors.
Your SIL is doing something kind. You're very ungrateful and quite frankly don't deserve be anything. It's a competition because you're making it so.

A few people have said "well she clearly loves your kids and that's a good thing."

Items, toys and present mountains do not equal love. Being a part of their life does. Plenty of posters have mentioned relatives who do the present mountain but don't see the children throughout the year, who don't visit, or care for the child, or show an interest in the child other than at Christmas.

I have a selection of local relatives, but the moment the baby was born they all immediately declared they would never look after it. And they've stayed true to their word - no babysitting for us, certainly no realistic chance of me returning to work, not even a date night. Or a date lunch. Their own grandparents have no interest.

And that's... fine, I guess, their choice.

But they don't get to do the 'look how much I love your kid' dance come Christmas, thinking a sack of Poundland loot is 'love'. It's not. Love is a visit. Conversation. A hug.

The denial of reality is quite creepy. It must be very hard when both of them are doing it and he sounds like a robot, "Well, SHE checked it so it must be right!" I guess they never argue.

Seriously, I just Ebayed so much stuff. I'd love a sack of Lego sets. They go for near-enough retail price when sealed :D I'd be sealing the postage bags and thinking of all that lovely cash in my Paypal.

yeah Sarah, it's so kind to keep doing something to someone that they have told you they don't enjoy !

I don't know why the SIL is doing it, but she is definitely not doing a kindness to the OP

Sacks of toys no one wants is not 'kind'.

Kindness is... being kind to others. Doing things that create warmth and pleasure, not a trip to the charity shop, landfill and anxiety, unease and concern in the recipients.

Those defending Mrs Five Sacks, are you sack-givers yourself?

Maybe don't make a fuss and just say a small 'thank you' - maybe she just likes to out-do everyone else ... maybe she just likes to naff you off because you wanted her to stick to a set amount - whatever her reasoning, don't give her the best - regift it if it's not required/give to charity/enjoy it - whatever, but don't mention it and hopefully it will begin to lessen each year hereafter

She sounds like she has a serious addiction problem and she's offloading her compulsive buying items onto you. If your BIL is blind to it, there's genuinely not much you can do.

I think some people just like buying others presents its a kind of addiction. I wouldn't say she is doing it an unkind way. I also have a very generous SIL and I love looking at all the stuff she buys DC. However we don't have loads of space either so I charity shop, regift or sell on stuff and my PayPal account gets a big boost. I always tell her not to go overboard but she always does.

Maybe she has a shopping addiction?

She could be an amazing shopper ... I doubt she's stuck to £20pp but there are amazing bargains to be had if you buy at the right time. My kids have had the same spent on them this year as any other year, but I started buying in the January sales and have had amazing bargains, so they have more, including Lego sets. Got them at 1/3 of rrp from Argos a few weeks ago.

I don't really see the problem as others have said just donate them to charity, you may even be able to take some wrapped and put them in the charity boxes in the supermarket.
Having been told by a family member last year that she didn't have time to buy my kids presents so they will have to have cash in a card which they def didn't want I wish I had this problem.
I know you are finding it hard but I am not sure you can control what other people buy as presents.

I have been guilty of being the "generous aunt" before now (9 nieces and 4 nephews) and every Christmas I'd start scouting the shops and filling each child's bag with things I knew they'd love - Lego, dolls, scooters etc none of it full price but all lovely it must have looked like I spent a fortune.

I'd do each family a Christmas Eve hamper with new jammis in and treats and would give my sister and brother my work food hamper each year on Xmas eve to share.

I never did it to control at the time I didn't have any dcs and a decent job and I loved to chose things for them.

Fast forward to when I bought my house and I sat down and told them that I'd need to scale back presents as I had bought my house and would need to use my money else where - that was 7 years ago and my sis hasn't spoke to me since.

I would have been devastated if those gifts that I'd lovingly chosen where being given away

I have seen this before from my sister- however unbelievably have also seen jealousy from my MIL on not getting as many presents as my children!!

I would just say wow thank you so much...how generous and go really over the top and tell everyone in the room until they are totally embarrassed. Seriously....it is more blessed to give than to receive...they must know the amount you spend...sell the lot on eBay, have a holiday and send them a thank you postcard! I dare you !!!!

A friend's children's grandparents on both sides are similar.Both of them try to buy the best and most to outdo the other despite being asked to stick to one gift or give a contribution towards a day out etc. I think the marketing that starts months leading up to Christmas are partly to blame too. Some people also think you might mean others when you set a limit but that THEIR gifts are so special that the rule doesn't apply and you'll get rid of what you already have to keep their new gifts (an aunt of mine does this). If you've had a chat about it and she still ignore you then regift, charity shop and eBay for the children's purses.

Um, pretty sure the OP meant 'alcoholic' in the AA sense of someone who's dry but recognises that they have an illness that means they cannot handle alcohol, rather than in the bottle of vodka a day sense.

I really don't think this needs to be a huge deal. Especially as most of the tat is for you. If it's all candles and wall plaques it's probably cheap tat from home bargains etc so she won't have spent much. Just put it away for a couple of months then take it to the charity shop.

My sister used to do this. From someone else it might have been overly generous, but meant kindly. With her it was about control, trying to make me feel inadequate and generally showing off. Fortunately I put a stop to it before my eldest was 4, by just not accepting more than one gift for him. I let him pick a parcel from the huge sack and he happily toddled off with that. Then we made our excuses and left.

Some people use money as a means of control and others do it with gifts. My sister managed to get everyone to come to her and do loads of running around for her, because they felt they couldn't refuse when she was giving them so much. If you want this to actually stop, then you have to be firm and return most of the gifts. the only other alternative is to continue as you are. She won't hear you if you try to discuss it calmly. Obviously there will be a massive fuss ("After all I've done for her!") but you need to decide if the fuss is more important than stopping this behaviour.

I think you've been given a hard time here that you didn't deserve. And I think that throwing your alcoholism and MH problems at you is really low.

Lra170 - that's unnecessarily mean and probably not a great lesson for the ops children.

why potentially cause a family rift?

OP you are not only extremely ungrateful it is quite horrible to go on a public forum and be this unpleasant about your lovely generous family. as for giving away things that are for your children, that is really beyond the pale.

Gosh. Some odd people on here tonight.