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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find these gifts awkward and embarrassing?

350 replies

HardLightHologram · 14/12/2016 23:33

Every year we make a point of saying we don't want much for Christmas for us or the kids. We firmly say we are sticking to a £20pp budget and would appreciate if they did too. We make lots of noise about decluttering and what a lot of stuff we've got, how the kids have gadgets and toys coming out of their ears.

And then every year without fail we hand over a single bag of gifts to SiL and BIL and they fill our car up in return. This year it is FIVE bin bag size bags of presents. A bag full each.

It is equal to the amount we've bought the kids. Totally over budget and completely unnecessary.

I struggle with this every year because what can you do? We've tried everything we can think of. We've even said firmly that we don't want this much stuff and that they arent sticking to the budget. BiL is adamant that SiL is just an amazing shopper and finds bargains. This just isn't true. It's all brand new branded stuff. Lego sets etc, which I know are rarely reduced by much. Current clothes from shops I shop in, not sale stuff.

I find it awkward, embarrassing and tbf a bit controlling.

I refuse to compete, so our gifts look pathetic in comparison.

Please, if anyone has any fresh ideas how to stop this I'd be so so grateful. Short of dumping it all back on her doorstep I am stuck.

And I know how weird and ungrateful this sounds but its suffocating me.

(Also you have probably read this thread before as I think I post a version of it every year).

Please help me.

OP posts:
Original poster
HardLightHologram · 16/12/2016 19:27

Oh, I'd forgotten the rule about mentallly ill people having to be grateful for everything foisted on them.

OP posts:
Clareyfairy24 · 16/12/2016 19:31

Unwrap the Christmas presents (in secret obvs) keeping some aside for birthdays, treats when they have done well at school etc. You can still label the Christmas ones from her, so they get something. As for birthdays not much you can do. When my son gets duplicate or unwanted gifts (or I don't want him to have them ha ha) I limit what he can break into, then the Ines that haven't yet been touched they gradually disappear and get re gifted. This way she gets what she wants but so do you (but you have the advantage of the truth ha ha!)

ScarletForYa · 16/12/2016 19:31

Sell all the stuff and save for a car!

LRA170 · 16/12/2016 19:33

Nic....no offence meant...just a bit of tongue in cheek ...soz..... suitably chagrined Blush

Nicpem1982 · 16/12/2016 19:35

LRa- no worries maybe I'm feeling a little sensitive because as I mentioned I was that aunty and I'd be really hurt by this :(

Twinklecomic · 16/12/2016 19:39

It's probably well meant and a bit complex in its origin. It may rise from an insecurity that goes very deep about being judged as "mean". TBH I suffered from a similar syndrome when I was younger. Reciprocity is not what its about, (I have no interest in receiving) and if I had "got" that I was making people feel uncomfortable I would have been mortified, and deeply hurt. On my side, it was also a sort of expression of affection where words were not available. It can arise from a feeling of your worth as a person might in part be judged by your ability to hit the nail on the head with the perfect gifts. The giver "expects" to be judged as "generous" and is baffled by any other interpretation. Obviously, from my perspective I would suggest that you don't judge too harshly and discreetly delivering to a charity shop or a hostel would be the most sensitive way to handle this. I get that she's completely on the wrong track but your irritation could deeply wound.

albertcampionscat · 16/12/2016 19:44

What Hardlighthologram said.

LittleL232 · 16/12/2016 19:45

Do you think maybe it could be that she has a problem with shopping and compulsive spending of money? The part about her bringing you pot plants and things seems like she's buying things for the sake of it. The children are a really convenient thing for her to use as an excuse to buy things.

Twinklecomic · 16/12/2016 19:49

Oh no... I've just read the back story about how she makes your kids cry and the wine stuff...No, no.... she's not like me. JHC! That's horrible stuff. Poor you. No... I know now what you mean and I think you need to kick her to the kerb. Seriously. In the context described that's not affection or real generosity.
That's what I'd have done on the basis of what you've said there. Life's too short.

Millymollymanatee · 16/12/2016 19:50

We all make choices. You are choosing to feel awkward and embarrassed. Choose instead to just let it go and put it into perspective.

Nicpem1982 · 16/12/2016 19:50

Could it not also be that she's a nice person and likes to buy gifts that she thinks people will like? And this mildly irritates the op and so now she's being painted as some serial shopper with issues?

I do feel that the op has been treated unfairly regarding her own personal issues and she has been treated awfully when all she's been is open :)

LRA170 · 16/12/2016 19:52

Aw Nic....I feel very humbled now. Thank you for pulling me up..💐...Merry Christmas E1 🎅

Confusednotcom · 16/12/2016 19:52

OP my SIL has done this for years (no kids herself) and we have always said it's too much, the quantity has often been more than we've bought DC in the past and way out of line with my family's budget.

About two years ago it turned out she was massively in debt: she has a serious shopping compulsion. Fortunately her big brother (DH) was able to pay off her 5 figure credit card bills, we had tears of gratitude and "never again" promises … Two years down the line, exactly the same thing happened again. DH doled out another HUGE sum of cash, tho said (to me) that this is the last time...
I want to add weight to the argument that people who give too much aren't necessarily just the nicest people in the whole world ever.

erchissick · 16/12/2016 19:52

The only way to stop this (as it's been going on too long) is to take the very direct approach, which is along the lines of :-

"I'm sorry, but this is out of hand. You need to reign it in or we will no longer be family."

I didn't say it would be easy.

If you don't want to lose family, then maybe you will just have to accept that they want to - and will continue to - shower you with lavish gifts at Christmas.

Is it worth losing family over?

(I'm a stubborn nutter who has walked away from family who tried to control me and never wanted to see things from my eyes. As a result, I don't have parents anymore and my children don't have grandparents. It was a price we were all willing to pay to be able to run our own lives, happily. But it's not an ideal solution for everyone)

Good luck. Xx

Roussette · 16/12/2016 19:54

Twinkle I get what you are saying.

However if the "receivee" had repeatedly asked to stop the scores of gifts, the complete over indulgence, had asked please please can you stop buying all this stuff... surely there is more to it. I am sure if someone had spelt out to you to STOP you would have. You have sad that you would be mortified and deeply hurt if you knew it wasn't received in the spirit you gave it... the OP has spelt it out, so surely this is not what this situation is?

Confusednotcom · 16/12/2016 19:58

Also as a fellow "too much" recipient I have been upset that my DC might think it's normal to have so much unnecessary stuff, it devalues everything. My DC get overwhelmed with all the things they have been given and as they have got older I have encourage them to decide asap afterwards if it's something they are not going to use. We always open gifts in front of SIL (takes a while!) so no chance to bundle off to charity. She is another who never takes an interest in them during the rest of the year despite living two minutes away. Gosh this venting is great !!

WelliesAndPyjamas · 16/12/2016 20:06

I can so identify with this. My PIL do this. They can't just give one really nice/desired/useful gift to each of the DC. It has to be a big bag or sack containing multiple gifts many of which, sadly, sit in the bottom of their wardrobes for months before going in the charity bag and being divorced, times that by two as well! It has bugged me more and more each year, and last year I was gutted when my dad called on the evening of Christmas Day, asking if the dc had liked the nice gifts (one each!) that he'd sent them...only to be told that they'd spent so much of the day opening presents from PIL that we'd had to postpone his until Boxing Day due to present/excitement overload! That did it for me and this year, I think we have persuaded FIL that he should only do one special present, accompanied by sweet treats. We'll see. I would have tried asking MIL the same except that talking to her is like a conversation in the twilight zone and she will rarely remember most of what was discussed wine o'clock again. At least this year we will make sure my parents' presents are opened first.

WelliesAndPyjamas · 16/12/2016 20:08

Totally agree confusednotcom, the devaluing and the over-consumption is awful. There is nothing wrong with wanting to raise children to be grateful for being fortunate enough to live in a time and place where they so much already, even before the gifts.

LollieB · 16/12/2016 20:09

We have the same problem. I unwrap the gifts before DCs have seen them and then wrap the unwanted ones again and donate to charity. If the people doing the gifting won't listen, and they frequently don't, then at least someone in need can benefit.

ExConstance · 16/12/2016 20:30

Parents steal their children's stuff? This is just disgusting!

RiverTamFan · 16/12/2016 20:33

My MIL used to do this. I'd drive to the other end of the country to end up with a car boot full of stuff. It was nothing to do with our kids and everything to do with her maintaining her control over my DH. Her attitude to our special needs DD1 makes me want to vomit for a start.

The woman is a narcissist. I know that is a term that gets thrown around a lot but I have the mental health issues of my DH/spent years watching therapists try to get that woman's abuse out of his head to back me up. The presents had nothing to actually do with us as demonstrated by their increasing irrelevance to the kids. (She gave Barbie pencils and stickers to our goth DD2 when she was in Year 7!)

I suspect these presents have nothing to do with the OP and her family themselves and everything to do with the SIL. Wish I had a solution. My only comfort is that MIL's health and my DH's mental health are in such a state that no one can visit anyone anymore.

bumsexatthebingo · 16/12/2016 20:50

I kind of agree ExConstance Giving away stuff the kids have't even seen is giving away stuff that doesn't belong to you. If I had a relative like this I'd let my kids unwrap them and if space was an issue I'd tell them they need to bag a lot of toys for the charity shop and let them fill a bag of their older stuff and any presents they don't want. If the presents were a load of tat then I imagine they would make up the majority of the bag but they could keep anything they liked.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 16/12/2016 20:53

Can you save the gifts and use for birthday parties over the course of the year ?

Some people never listen - and they fall into this category . Would you really go NC though ?

littlepinkfizz · 16/12/2016 20:53

I'm sure it's already been said but at this stage for you, you and your dh must have a face to face talk with your soil and bil . Be clean,clear and concise in your communication. State that while you all appreciate their generosity ,that as parents,you do not want your kids to have so many gifts,and that you must insist that they stick to the agreed limit of £xx per person. Also explain that you have had this agreed limit before and they have greatly exceeded it,so you would have to give any gifts over this amount to a charitable cause.

I think if you are clear,clean and concise in your communication then you can't go wrong. Good luck!!

I suspect she is using this excessive shopping to fill some void in her own life .

apringle · 16/12/2016 20:56

Maybe afterwards say - it was so nice to be able to provide so many of your extra gifts to charity? Haha might take the hint.