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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find these gifts awkward and embarrassing?

350 replies

HardLightHologram · 14/12/2016 23:33

Every year we make a point of saying we don't want much for Christmas for us or the kids. We firmly say we are sticking to a £20pp budget and would appreciate if they did too. We make lots of noise about decluttering and what a lot of stuff we've got, how the kids have gadgets and toys coming out of their ears.

And then every year without fail we hand over a single bag of gifts to SiL and BIL and they fill our car up in return. This year it is FIVE bin bag size bags of presents. A bag full each.

It is equal to the amount we've bought the kids. Totally over budget and completely unnecessary.

I struggle with this every year because what can you do? We've tried everything we can think of. We've even said firmly that we don't want this much stuff and that they arent sticking to the budget. BiL is adamant that SiL is just an amazing shopper and finds bargains. This just isn't true. It's all brand new branded stuff. Lego sets etc, which I know are rarely reduced by much. Current clothes from shops I shop in, not sale stuff.

I find it awkward, embarrassing and tbf a bit controlling.

I refuse to compete, so our gifts look pathetic in comparison.

Please, if anyone has any fresh ideas how to stop this I'd be so so grateful. Short of dumping it all back on her doorstep I am stuck.

And I know how weird and ungrateful this sounds but its suffocating me.

(Also you have probably read this thread before as I think I post a version of it every year).

Please help me.

OP posts:
redexpat · 15/12/2016 19:58

Ok i have read your updates and what youre describing isnt a love language. I think you will have to say to her directly that whilst you appreciate her generosity more than one gift pp is too much and you hate to think of the waste. If she continues giving stuff then you stop physically taking it from her and say i dont want it. You may have to put ot back in their car. Or deposit it on their doorstep. Dont let the disposal of it be your job. She must have to deal with the consequences herself. As other pps have said it does sound like she has a bit of an addiction.

charleyfarleysaunt · 15/12/2016 20:19

Sorry, haven't read RTFT (just most of it)

But it is all sounds very controlling

How about keeping everything she has given you this year and giving the whole flipping lot back to her for her birthday or next Xmas?

But it really does suck - like someone upthread said it is like when someone keeps hugging you when you tell them to stop

Graphista · 15/12/2016 22:51

Yep another agreeing with the 'unwanted/too long hug' analogy. That's not generous or kind its controlling and aggressive.

hazell42 · 16/12/2016 07:04

She is happy with her twenty quid presents. She is not asking for more from you. Some people like buying gifts. Leave her alone and learn to accept presents gracefully. Accepting a gift nicely makes the other person feel warm inside. Snarky comments about not having enough room do not. Be nice to her. She loves your kids. That is a good thing

Original poster
HardLightHologram · 16/12/2016 08:08

There is a whole lot of history that probably colours how I feel about it.

She is quite overbearing. She frequently tells my kids off to the point where they cry (most recently in a restaurant when she badgered my youngest to eat all his food despite the fact I was sitting next to him and said he'd eaten enough).

I am an alcoholic and at the same meal she asked me more than once if I wanted some wine.

She behaved really weirdly at our wedding, heckled the speeches, got really drunk and cried all over me for an hour, sat at the front of the ceremony giving her son a HUGE messy slurpy ice cream throughout our vows.

I never know whether she is being purposely off or whether it's all calculated. I know she didn't like me at the beginning but I just don't know about now.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 16/12/2016 08:39

Having a house full of crap (or being required to dispose of it) makes me feel stressed inside.

StealthPolarBear · 16/12/2016 08:40

Have yu been t any other events with her where others were the focus ? How did she behave?

Original poster
HardLightHologram · 16/12/2016 08:51

Always the same. She is an odd sausage. There will always be a fuss about something. Whether it's having a 'migraine' and making her dh leave the party early, or crying (she does that a lot when she's drinking).

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 16/12/2016 08:54

So its not personal she's just strange. Is he? Surely they will run out of money and credit soon?

Original poster
HardLightHologram · 16/12/2016 08:58

They are both a bit, um, odd. Very insular. She states things as facts and he goes along with it. Random shit like cinema times. We had a bizarre conversation where dh invited their ds to the cinema and she was adamant there wasn't a lunchtime showing as she'd checked, even when we both got our phones out and showed her the times available. BiL just backed her up and said as she'd checked she must be right.

That's fairly typical. So when she says she hasn't spent much on Christmas he just goes along with it. I think for an easy life tbh.

OP posts:
redexpat · 16/12/2016 08:59

Does she behave like this towards others?

Original poster
HardLightHologram · 16/12/2016 09:02

I think so. The general behaviour anyway. I don't think it's particularly personal. I know MIL finds the volume of gifts suffocating as well but they didn't receive anywhere near the same amount as I did this year.

OP posts:
redexpat · 16/12/2016 09:12

Thats really strange. Do you think she maybe has some sort of MH problem that is undiagnosed? Or personality disorder?

Original poster
HardLightHologram · 16/12/2016 09:32

Oh definitely. I have BPD and bipolar so I come into contact with all sort of people through groups and general chat, and she'd fit right in. She won't seek help though, and has stormed out of the doctors before when they suggested helping with her anxiety.

OP posts:
Bettyspants · 16/12/2016 10:44

Oh god my ils do this. I think it's a guilt thing as they don't do any thing with dc or see them often. However we feel guilty and I feel that our presents to dc look insignificant. I would talk to them both after Christmas again. Sit down and e plain that you prefer dc to appreciate value of gifts instead of assuming they'll have a pile. That you think they are incredibly generous but it actually makes you feel dreadful.

a1poshpaws · 16/12/2016 17:36

To be brutally frank, I don't see the problem. She likes buying gifts: you've told her you don't want her to; she continues. Soooooo ... simply smile nicely and say the local children's hospital and women's refuge will be so grateful, she's a wonderfully generous soul.

You've thus thanked her, complimented her and made it clear that the gifts will be moved on to where they will be appreciated.

If your real worry is that YOU look mean - wtf, it's your budget! Christmas is about celebrating Jesus' birth - if you're not Christian why celebrate it? - not about outdoing the Jones family next door. You spend what you can afford - be a shepherd not one of the 3 Kings. Christmas doesn't need any more people getting in debt because of it.

Does that make sense? Hope so.

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 16/12/2016 17:36

I can easily fill a bin bag with expensive gifts and actually spend very little. I use coupons and things like nectar double up, sales etc and can get loads for little.
I've spent £50 on my daughter and the full price value of her presents is over £500.
Just be grateful.

biilbosmum · 16/12/2016 17:37

My parents do this, and and whilst I accept it is super generous I also find it slightly suffocating, and feel that it rips any meaning from christmas. I think mum does it because shopping is her recreation. And hints over a period of decades has done nothing to diminish Gift Mountain.

jessycake · 16/12/2016 17:45

Do you think she is a bit of a shopoholic and can't stop herself, I wonder if her husband has any real idea what she spends.

TinselTwins · 16/12/2016 17:48

Does she have any friends? I wonder if she has nobody to buy for but family so over compensates? not that that helps YOU

There can be a controlling aspect to gift giving, and household gifts are particularly problematic as you're expected to display the fact tha you've kept them!

Goodasgoldilox · 16/12/2016 17:49

It is their money and their choice. It is only a competition if you think of it like that.

I think you just have to accept that this is how they express their love. Some people do.

You do things differently - and that is fine.
Accept gracefully and be glad that you have other ways to express affection.

caringcarer · 16/12/2016 17:51

Some people are so desperate to be loved and have such low self esteem they truly think no one will love them unless they give many material things to make others love them. Do you think you SiL is worried she won't be loved for herself unless she gives ott presents? Could you spend some quality time with SiL so she feels loved. Then she won't feel need to go ott trying to buy affection.

Buffalobabe1986 · 16/12/2016 17:52

I know it doesn't stop her giving you so much stuff, but maybe you could stash some of the gifts and donate them to your local Gifts for Kids Scheme or similar the following year, just so you're not drowning in possessions?

TinselTwins · 16/12/2016 17:53

It is their money and their choice. It is only a competition if you think of it like that.

I think you just have to accept that this is how they express their love. Some people do.

And what about the OP's "choice" to not have a house ram packed with 100s of bits of tat? Shouldn't the OPs choices be accepted?

MyLifeisaboxofwormgears · 16/12/2016 18:00

She's a narcissist, her husband enables her.
You can't have a normal relationship with someone like that.
Tell her to get lost and cut all contact.

Otherwise this carries on for the rest of her life.