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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mother announced today, that I will be looking for a job once my youngest starts school

136 replies

LardLizard · 14/12/2016 19:34

Well that's news to me

I've never even said one word to them about what my future plans are
Not one word

OP posts:
CookingCabbage · 14/12/2016 21:52

I know what you mean OP - sounds like my Mum. She thinks she still has a hold over you somehow (that's probably why you don't share information with her). She thinks her comment will affect you in some way, and that's why it's riled you.

She may be expressing what SHE thinks you should do, and believes she can influence you, which is insulting when you are an adult. Completely ignore it and do your own thing. Be yourself. Next time just start saying "No" in a nonchalent way, or "We've agreed that's not right for us". When you pull your partner in and express it as a joint decision, it's harder for them to keep pressing their opinion on you.

PickAChew · 14/12/2016 21:57

My youngest starts secondary school in September. I've yet to work out when I would manage to fit in a job.

Phoenix76 · 14/12/2016 22:00

I'm with you op! My mum announced I won't be having any more children! At the end of the day, our lives are just that.

MontePulciana · 14/12/2016 22:01

My mum encouraged me to stay at home as long as possible (something she wasn't able to do). I'd say my kitchen floor does require mopping every day but it doesn't get done that often. Twice a week tops. The dog and toddler drag so much dirt in from garden and muddy walks. Not to mention all the food spillages. I just can't bring myself to do it every day though.

PickAChew · 14/12/2016 22:02

That said, are you being sarcastic, Jellyfish?

EveOnline2016 · 14/12/2016 22:09

I mop and Hoover daily. It takes me 30 minutes tops and it means I can sleep. I can't sleep in an untidy home.

Adults should stay out of other adults lives,unless specifically ask for views or suggestions. Unless of course people need another adults intervention ( for example MH problems )

Original poster
LardLizard · 14/12/2016 22:12

Oh yes my mum has also announced there won't be anymore children as well
When I've said nothing of the sort

Also saying no in a nonchalant way would not work
As she would go on one
What do you mean no

Etc etc

OP posts:
haveacupoftea · 14/12/2016 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WantToRunAgain · 14/12/2016 22:18

Haveqcupoftea, eh? Why wouldn't we believe the OP?!?

Madeyemoodysmum · 14/12/2016 22:20

My mums like this. Everything is accusing or slightly passive aggressive. I can count on one hand the times I've felt truly praised by her. I know she loves me but for some reason I'm never good enough. She will hear no wrong of my brother tho.

I spent a weekend with her on my own recently and it nearly killed me.

Rockpebblestone · 14/12/2016 22:23

OP, take a breath, smile and remind yourself you are making your own decisions. Then go and practice your best shrug in the mirror.

Answer truthfully if she asks you what you are doing. Pause, let her say stuff. Just white noise. Shrug, smile....Don't invite her round too often.

maddiemookins16mum · 14/12/2016 22:26

Bit harsh of her but then again, how will you support the family financially when youngest DC at school, or is there no need?

maddiemookins16mum · 14/12/2016 22:28

PickAChew - really, ha ha ha. Like most of the rest of us you poor thing.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 14/12/2016 22:35

Like I said - you either have OCD or live in a hotel.

Fucking ocd jokes now... Twat!

roundaboutthetown · 14/12/2016 23:01

Paid work can be extremely good for your self-esteem, particularly if you enjoy the paid work that you do and/or feel that it has value in society beyond the tax that you pay and the income that you earn for your family. It can also provide security. However, it can also be far more boring and mundane than the myriad things that someone could do if they were totally free to organise their own time and were not tied to the necessity of being paid for what they are doing. It never ceases to amaze me how some people appear to be almost proud of their total lack of imagination and ability to save themselves from boredom unless given structure by paid employment. There are plenty of valuable unpaid roles that people can get involved in to pass the time and feel useful, whether becoming a school governor, volunteering at a citizens advice bureau, running a scout troop, or running a netball club at the local school, etc. You could also pursue further qualifications for future employment or for general interest, or take up hobbies that have always interested you. If you really don't need the money, there are plenty of interesting things you could do with your life rather than just tie yourself down to paid work. And you could fit them all into time when your kids are at school if you really wanted.

PickAChew · 14/12/2016 23:04

maddie of course I didn't mention the circumstances which make finding time for paid work impossible. I honestly doubt you'd want to trade.

Grindelwaldswand · 14/12/2016 23:07

What do you actually do once your kids go to school though ? I enjoy cleaning and house tasks but i need a job to give me a purpose and keep me sane id go mental with that much free time to whittle away even with my DPs income

CookingCabbage · 14/12/2016 23:21

Also saying no in a nonchalant way would not work
As she would go on one
What do you mean no

Your Mum sees you as an extension of herself, or thinks she has the right to influence (or dictate) your decisions. This will continue unless you change your behaviour towards her and make her realise that you are an individual, separate from her, who will live your life the way you choose. If she 'goes on one', calmly just keep responding back, stating it's your decision and you disagree with her. You have to face any manipulative disapproving behaviour she then throws your way to 'punish' you for disagreeing with her - sulking, shouting, insults, etc.
Been there, done that. It's not nice, but in the long run you will feel better for it and FREE.

BitchQueen90 · 14/12/2016 23:44

Why do these threads always have to descend into "well I'd do this, I'd do that"

If you are in a position where you don't need or want to work then by all means don't. However jellyfish your post was very insulting especially to those people who have no choice but to work full time. Not everyone can afford to stay at home.

Let everyone live their lives in whatever way suits their family. Who cares if it's not how we would personally want to live? We're all different.

CozumelFox · 15/12/2016 07:51

YANBU OP, so grating when other adults make assumptions like that. I've been a SAHM for years so I've had years of sneering "What do you do all day?" and "WHEN are you going back?" and now I am planning to go back it's all "Going back are you? So selfish to abandon your children like that" and "You shouldn't have had them if you didn't want to care for them."

Whatever you do, there will be someone in your life who will have a good sneer at it, and the sneer is always along the lines of "you're a bit of a shit mum aren't you?"

I hate these SAHM vs Working threads. Because both sides end up reducing themselves to those tropes. "You must be boring." "I don't need work to be interesting." "Yeah bet you're really interesting now you work in Farmfoods..." Aren't we better than this?

icy121 · 15/12/2016 08:07

Sounds like a good idea OP. Or if you don't need the money and you have the time do a bit of volunteering at a charity shop - or work in a low paid/highly rewarding charitable environment - my neighbour works doing (very basic) computer training (MS word) with autistic adults for NMW about 10 hours a week and LOVES it. Get out there and help make the world a better place :-)

GetAHaircutCarl · 15/12/2016 08:08

Many older women had/have little agency over their own lives.

The one place they could wield control was their children. So they are often loath to give that up even when the DC are adults.

OP if it wasn't about work, I suspect it would be something else; anything for your mother to feel pertinent again.

famousfour · 15/12/2016 09:13

I find it so peculiar that people think you have to go to work so as not to be bored... seriously? .ConfusedConfused

I have a job I enjoy and I really don't think I would have any trouble enjoying 6 hours a day in an interesting way!

roundaboutthetown · 15/12/2016 09:24

Well, exactly, famousfour. I'd also quite like to know what fabulous careers these easily bored people have, that save them so comprehensively from boredom. I can't think of many jobs that don't involve a certain amount of tedium at some point during the day, and resentment over the constraints on your ability to do what you want when you actually want to. I guess if you are so unimaginative that you are only not bored if someone is telling you what to do, that a job of any sort would save you from boredom. Otherwise, surely only a really boring person is bored when they have a few hours of freedom every day?

roundaboutthetown · 15/12/2016 09:27

That is assuming you can afford to have those blissfully free hours, of course. Few people are lucky enough.