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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to write my family a resignation letter

142 replies

Isabelle112 · 13/12/2016 20:31

Have posted here recently & much encouraged by responses. Sorry to post again. But today, things are so much worse. DS back from uni - barely a word from him expect a request that we talk about gym membership for the holidays. When pressed about getting a p-t job, brushes it aside. When pressed about getting a job at uni, brushes it aside with excuses. When encouraged to talk to me about having a revision schedule, brushes it aside (exams January inc a re-take). Up all night on computer, sleeps in the day, only wants fast food at night (eating normally might mean sitting down with me). Never, ever an offer to help in the house.

Another DS, older, living at home has worked p-t but that's drying up and is reluctant now to work anywhere other than a pub. We live in a town, there are jobs and he has a first and second degree - but such a procrastinator re applying for graduate posts/temporary posts.
DH gets minimum wage. Looking for better paid work but his age may be against him (and he desperately needs help to improve his interview techniques, by his own admission).

I work f-t and p-t. Neither job is much fun or well paid. Both are pretty stressful. I am almost permanently exhausted. I've no idea why my boys, who no doubt love me very much, cannot see that by in effect forcing me to go very far beyond my means/budget to pay rent (uni - I'd accept that gladly if he'd pull his weight); fork out when funds are low; pay for mini breaks; for clothes, they are in fact abusing me. I'm often too tired to defend myself, too embarrassed to tell them how low family funds are, too resigned (this is how it's been for a very long time). DH does his best but doesn't feel, of course, my exhaustion & thinks I'm coping. I'm not. The tiredness makes me ache all over, often.

Now, I want to write to them. To all of them. To resign from all that I do - the cleaning, the cooking, the shopping, the constant forking out. I'll carry on working, I'll honour a promise to pay for one of my DS's upcoming mini breaks with old uni friends. But that's it until they wake up.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 13/12/2016 20:35

That sounds exhausting. Could you cut back and drop the pt job, 'just' work full time, and tell your sons they're going to have to support themselves with far less help? It's not unusual for uni students to work in term time and your DS will have to get used to that.

MrsBartlettforthewin · 13/12/2016 20:41

That sounds exhausting. Sit them down, tell them the truth and give your DSs a kick up the arse. Does your older DS pay any rent/ bills or is all his money for him? Younger DS needs to start pulling his weight when home too

lasttimeround · 13/12/2016 20:53

Sit them down and tell them. Then ask them to help you all come up with solutions.

morningrunner · 13/12/2016 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 13/12/2016 20:56

I would pay the minimum to support my adult children at uni (food and lodging only)

Why are you paying for "mini breaks".. If they want stuff like that they should be funding it themselves

GourmetChild · 13/12/2016 20:59

That sounds horrendous. Stop and look after yourself immediately.

There are four adults in a house and one of them is doing more hours paid work than the rest of them put together.

On top of that you are then doing the cooking and cleaning? Who made you the household slave?

Stop all household tasks immediately. Not tomorrow, not soon, stop right now. Then, one by one, just do things that you need doing in the house. So, make meals for just you, no one else. Have cheese on toast for week or whatever is an easy treat for you.

Clean only what you have to so you don't get upset. Don't move one single cup, clothing item, anything or anyone else's.

You need to the take control of this now and look after yourself. Your family can't afford for you to go under and it sounds like they need a wake up call to start looking after you.

Tell your sons the budgets you are working to and give them a monthly allowance that you can easily afford if you can, if that is ten pounds then so be it. It is totally unacceptable for grown adults to refuse to work.

Do it tonight op. No time like the present. Do it for yourself and your family.

What would your younger self have said if she could see what you're dealing with right now and how your family are treating you?

Get angry and take action right now. Come back to us and tell us what you are not going to do tonight.

EllaHen · 13/12/2016 20:59

I cannot, for the life of me, imagine putting up with any of that shit.

Lazy, entitled and quite frankly mean children - what on earth makes you put up with that?

Sorry if I sound unsympathetic but really, this is within your means to sort out.

Tiddlerr · 13/12/2016 21:00

Resign with immediate effect. Take a sabbatical for a while. Find a new employment as this one is shit. Better still take full retirement and go on a long holiday to somewhere new and leave this job as it's literally sucking the life out of ya

Fairyliz · 13/12/2016 21:02

Blimey DH and I are in the fortunate position that our mortgage is paid off and we both work full time in average pay jobs. However we certainly don't fund mini breaks. If my kids wanted a holiday when they were at uni they had to work for it.

FourToTheFloor · 13/12/2016 21:03

You are being abused by all in your family! Go away, for a good while. Let them all sort themselves out.

You poor woman Flowers

DelphiniumBlue · 13/12/2016 21:09

Mini-breaks??? Aren't breaks for people who are working( and therefore tired/in need of rest)?
I'm wondering why they haven't realised how low funds are, and how exhausted you are. You're going to have to spell it out." No, we don't have the money to pay for gym membership/new clothes/ whatever". Quite honestly, those are luxuries and you are enabling them all by continuing to shell out.
And I speak as the parent of 2 student sons who are not working - I have made the point that if they want nice stuff, they'll have to pay for it. They still are not working, but don't expect me to sub them beyond what is strictly necessary - eg top -up of student loan so that they can buy food. And lots of people think I am too lax, but I certainly wouldn't be doing 2 jobs so that they can doss all day.
I'd give up the second job and let them pull their weight. And spell out that if they are living at home rent free, then you expect to come back to a clean house and a cooked dinner.

BratFarrarsPony · 13/12/2016 21:13

"mini breaks" my arse. If they want stuff like that they get a job and pay for it!
OP you sound lovely but maybe,,,just maybe...you have been too 'lovely'
Take a job teaching English in Patagonia for a year... that will sort them out...:)

dowhatnow · 13/12/2016 21:15

Oh Gosh. I don't know where to start.

They are behaving like that because you've allowed them to. Break down. Let them see you cry. Tell them you can't carry on any more as you are.

Pay them the very minimum and then it's up to them to sink or swim.

The solution is in your hands. Things won't change unless you force it to.

Be strong and do what you need to do.

Nanny0gg · 13/12/2016 21:15

Write out your budget.In detail.

Show it to them

Write out your 'timetable'

Show it to them.

Ask them what they propose to do to help practically and financially.

Point out that if no help is forthcoming they can start looking for other accommodation and other sources of income as the Bank of Mum and Dad is closing.

And don't lift a finger for them till it's sorted.

Chippednailvarnishing · 13/12/2016 21:16

by in effect forcing me

No one is forcing you. You are allowing all of this.

CharleyDavidson · 13/12/2016 21:18

You need to rehearse the phrase 'Sorry, we can't afford it, you'll have to get a part time job for luxuries.' Without embarrassement too. They are chancing it. At their age they should be aware that money doesn't grow on trees. They will have friends who have to work and are enjoying not having to themselves.

PavlovianLunge · 13/12/2016 21:19

OP, you sound all in, clearly you can't carry on like this. Your sons have got to pull their weight and really need a reality check; they're big boys now, let them start to fend for themselves. (Easier said than done, I know.)

Get your DH involved, be a team, and put your needs first for a change.

Good luck and look after yourself.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 13/12/2016 21:19

Sadly, even the nicest of people will treat you as badly as you let them OP.

I have a young graduate back at home, working part time. He does his own washing and bedroom and bathroom cleaning, he cooks for us all once a week and for himself when necessary. He helps out with the younger kids and does whatever jobs we ask of him. He offered to give me something for his keep tonight as I commented that I really needed to be buying and cooking substantially more food now he's home. (I told him it's fine as he's saving to go travelling).

Now my boy is no saint; can be a grumpy bugger and is much too noisy in the morning when he goes to work. But he doesn't take us for granted.

mogonfoxnight · 13/12/2016 21:19

it sounds like you need a break - can you get away for a few nights on your own, somewhere you'd get good sleep and a bit of luxury (and if it were me i'd blow a bit of money to get some sun...). you will see things clearer, and be able to develop a strategy... a plan of action for each ds...!

YelloDraw · 13/12/2016 21:20

Wow. What is DH doing here to support you?

baconandeggies · 13/12/2016 21:21

I really don't understand this trend for parents to bankroll their adult offspring through uni? Neither I nor any of my friends received a penny post-16 - we lived off our EMA and student loans and then had an actual reason and motivation to get a PT job as well.

Stop. Just stop. They should all be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

BratFarrarsPony · 13/12/2016 21:21

...and please, if you are going to pay for a 'mini break' make it yours, you need it...
Even if you have 'promised' withdraw that offer forthwith...

IAmNotAMindReader · 13/12/2016 21:22

Thay are now adults, stop being the family martyr because they won't notice till ypu break and then it'll be too late.

Tell them they need to support themselves. Tell them as long as they are at home they need ro contribute. The fair amount for keep has for many a year been a third of their income. If they want extras they have to pay for them themselves. They must also help around the house.
Sit them down with your husband and tell them your mental health can no longer afford them coasting along with their mouths open like baby birds.
They've turned into cuckoos on you op and you are letting them.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 13/12/2016 21:22

Stop doing all that stuff, for you and for them - let them stand on their own two feet, and give yourself a break. Write your letter of resignation. Write it for yourself. I don't know if it is worth giving them copies- would they read it, absorb it, and care?

OnePlanOnHouzz · 13/12/2016 21:22

Flowers you deserve a big bunch of these ! Hope the kids and your DH get you some real ones when the penny drops and the finally realise all that you do for them !
Hope they start helping more and expecting less too !