to want to write my family a resignation letter

[Isabelle112]

Have posted here recently & much encouraged by responses. Sorry to post again. But today, things are so much worse. DS back from uni - barely a word from him expect a request that we talk about gym membership for the holidays. When pressed about getting a p-t job, brushes it aside. When pressed about getting a job at uni, brushes it aside with excuses. When encouraged to talk to me about having a revision schedule, brushes it aside (exams January inc a re-take). Up all night on computer, sleeps in the day, only wants fast food at night (eating normally might mean sitting down with me). Never, ever an offer to help in the house.

Another DS, older, living at home has worked p-t but that's drying up and is reluctant now to work anywhere other than a pub. We live in a town, there are jobs and he has a first and second degree - but such a procrastinator re applying for graduate posts/temporary posts.
DH gets minimum wage. Looking for better paid work but his age may be against him (and he desperately needs help to improve his interview techniques, by his own admission).

I work f-t and p-t. Neither job is much fun or well paid. Both are pretty stressful. I am almost permanently exhausted. I've no idea why my boys, who no doubt love me very much, cannot see that by in effect forcing me to go very far beyond my means/budget to pay rent (uni - I'd accept that gladly if he'd pull his weight); fork out when funds are low; pay for mini breaks; for clothes, they are in fact abusing me. I'm often too tired to defend myself, too embarrassed to tell them how low family funds are, too resigned (this is how it's been for a very long time). DH does his best but doesn't feel, of course, my exhaustion & thinks I'm coping. I'm not. The tiredness makes me ache all over, often.

Now, I want to write to them. To all of them. To resign from all that I do - the cleaning, the cooking, the shopping, the constant forking out. I'll carry on working, I'll honour a promise to pay for one of my DS's upcoming mini breaks with old uni friends. But that's it until they wake up.

OP I think you seriously need to cut back on the amount you do for these lazy sods because when they are let lose in the real world and realise that they have to pay for all the things that you pay for at the minute they will be in for a very nasty surprise when they realise how hard it is. When I was going to college I had a little pt job and when I left college I found an ft job and started paying my mum rent and paying for my own holidays now I work ft and live on my own and have to pay everything myself but because my mum got me use to having to pay everything myself it wasn't a shock to my system. I think it's high time your sons grew up and realised that money doesn't grow on trees and your not always going to be there to wipe their arses for them your sons sound exactly like my older sister she lives in her own place with her partner and their kids but my mum is always having pay for everything for her my mum has had to give my sister her own rent money so that my sister could pay her rent she keeps coming to me to ask for it and I refuse to give her any money because I know I won't get it back but my sister uses the excuse of if I don't pay it we'll end up homeless yeah and so will my mum if she doesn't pay her rent.

I don't understand why you haven't been open about the budget? My family/kids all know we are tight financially. As a result they compare prices of things (cereals even) and non of us fritter. They appreciate the things we buy.

I think the Op has received some harsh comments on here.

I know myself how easy it is for these situations to just "evolve" and how difficult it is to do anything about them once a "habit" has occoured. I find myself taken advantage by my adult children, but DH is much firmer than me with them so they do all tow the line if he puts his foot down.
Saying that, all of mine work, and work long hours and only need "subbing" in dire emergencies.
I think the OP cannot go in all guns blazing and have a showdown but must slowly and firmly start laying down the law. ie, Its about time you started doing so and so, I am your Mother not your servant (one of my favourite phrases!)
Tell the one going on the mini break that you can only afford to pay for half of it, say that he must meet you halfway and pay for the rest.

I don't think the OP can try and change things all in one fell swoop having a showdown with them will cause resentment,bad temper, and they will "switch off" to you. Just go slowly and stealthily making small changes, good luck Op.

Cost of rent isn't always covered by the loan given how expensive it is.
That means either a loan from mum & dad, or staying at home and travelling in which is what my brother does, and given how intensive the course is (he's doing coursework or associated reading in all spare time) and given it takes 2-3 hours each way to commute, plus actual lectures, there's no time to get a job and pass uni.

But that's one reason why people fund their children. Not just because they are lazy.

Yanbu and I would stop this madness. Working 2 jobs so your DS need do nothing except sit around demanding mini breaks and gym memberships is wrong especially if you do most of housework too. They sound lazy and entitled. Both my DDs worked through 6th form and uni at part time jobs like cleaning, waitressing, shop work. It gave them the work ethic they have now and they learnt discipline with time and money.

I would sit down with your family and talk, not do it in a letter. If you wish to continue with both jobs then tell them they each have to cook, shop and clean during the day and they get no more money for mini breaks. They have to earn it like the rest of us. Tell them you are struggling with money or you are stacking up problems with them for later life if they think it grows on trees. Personally I would not do 2 jobs but make them step up. No more subservience to your menfolk who have been allowed to get away with this. I feel quite angry for you but unless you make a stand it will get worse.

Do it. Just do it. Then take yourself off somewhere quiet for a few days and leave them to stew on it.

OP you are bringing up your sons to be the lazy entitled men that we read about on Mumsnet They do nothing around the house to help their wives and are very selfish financially. The type of man child wives want to leave and post of Mumsnet to plan their escape because they realise they married someone who is second rate. You have been too kind to them and you are doing them no favours.

Stop being a doormat! Look after yourself first and go off for a long weekend (using the money for the mini break). And before you go, change the Wifi password.
They can't have it, until they get a job/revise.
Be mean!
It won't hurt you.

Who cares if they are resentful, Hazel. They're totally taking the puss and they are bound to feel resentful when forced to stop. Gah- OP stop being so nice and upset by their crappy behaviour. Get furious instead. My boys do more than yours and they are 8 and 10. This is because I simply can't bear to be taken for granted and refuse to bring them up to do so.

How was last night op? Any progress?

No I don't agree. OP is clearly on the edge. She can just down tools and money. A big shock will probably be the way forward as she's already tried a slow change with prompting.

In your shoes I'd tell them that you're not coping financially and mentally. Everything has to change

Lots of support for you OP. As Hazelbite says, these situations can evolve until they become the norm. On top of whatever else you decide to tell your family, they also need to consider what will happen if your exhaustion becomes so overwhelming you can't function (earn) at all. As adults, they really need to grow up.

Time to put your foot down, OP.

You have been too nice, but it's really not doing anyone any favours, least of all you.
I would not be funding any mini breaks or gym memberships, or anything but the very basics, and if they are working at all, then they contribute something, preferably at least a third of what they earn. If that leaves them short, then that's their impetus to find a better paying job.

It's a sad fact that if you make yourself into a doormat, people will wipe their feet on you. I had a friend who was an archetypal doormat for her kids, and I really don't think they respected her for it at all. I think that in some perverse way she actually enjoyed making a martyr of herself, but I can see that's not at all the case with you.

If you can't bring yourself to cancel whatever you've promised for now, then the New Year will be an ideal time to tell them all (calmly) that Things Are Going To Change Around Here. And refuse to get into any arguments about it.

if you are running away op I think you may find a few of us there at the airport waiting for you!

present how things will be from now on.
then go away for a few days.
do not feel guilty that this has happened, it can be resolved. family life has hit a slippery slope and you've all hit the bottom. Time to get up and re-set. Kids by their nature are pretty selfish, i was at that age too. I couldn't see (and didn't care really) everything my parents did if i'm honest.

it's easy to see how this happens. my 11 and 12 year old are fairly entitled and seem to be doing less not more as they get older. this thread is a wake up call!

Where have you gone, op ?

user1471462115 - you mention vit D. When the GP I saw last week heard me talk about my pains and exhaustion, she sent me off for a full blood count, including vit D. I think the results will speak for themselves ..

Thank you all. I've just caught up with all your posts and I am so grateful for this support, for these wake-up calls, for this confirmation that, no, I shouldn't be accepting these levels of behaviour.

Came home from work tonight only to hear the uni DS asking really quite aggressively where his clean t-shirts are (for the gym - he must be paying for it himself tonight). Earlier, at work, he'd rung me to let me know that he hadn't eaten all day and what food was there, when I was I getting back etc. He's just turned 21. I explained there was food in the fridge and cupboards - plenty of it and he could make something for himself. Anyway, at home, he responded to my telling him that he had T-shirts etc by using (as he does) the f-word and shouting. Please, DS, not after a busy day at work.

Got home to hear that the other DS went to an interview at a local pub today - nothing conclusive but clearly didn't want to do the kitchen work which was offered. Got very, very stroppy and angry when I asked him what other efforts he was making. Really angry with me. DH said little - hates a row. Felt very, very alone and started quietly looking up hotel sites to see if I could escape tonight. This DS is really disingenuous - keeps saying things like 'I've already told you ..'. when I ask about jobs.
I can't understand that the shops etc are full of young people working seasonally - but not him. DH's only job is cleaning - but that isn't something that DS - either of them - are prepared to do even for a while.

So, here we are. I tried the conversation about work (because I take a number of above points about breaking the conversation up into chunks for my own sanity and for effectiveness) and got no-where. Only a slanging match with DS' voice getting louder and louder. And DH sitting quietly in a corner, saying very little.

I'm thinking of packing my bags and heading to one of the cheaper hotels tonight. Time out - and maybe the family will have think carefully or are they so entrenched in their ways and behaviours that they won't now change? I feel so low, so alone, so tired.

Thank you again - I'll keep you all posted. I hope that tonight your evenings are peaceful.

" Patagonia is somewhere where I'd be happy to teach! (I work in education & am learning Welsh and Spanish so it would be perfect!) "

that is really funny - off to Trelew with you,,,da iawn...:)

This is domestic abuse!

It doesn't have to be a dp abusing you.

Call Womens aid and go stay in a refuge.

Omg you deserve so much more than this.

You sound like a Slave.

These are grown men who are perfectly old enough to be looking after themselves. You are not obliged to have them in the house if they do not treat you with respect. If an adult talked to me that way in my house it would not be me looking for a hotel that night. Pack their bags and tell them to ship out and sort themselves out if what you have on offer isn't good enough.

Please, DS, not after a busy day at work

It shows how ground down by all this you are that you don't realise this is never acceptable, particularly not to a mother who does as much for him as you do. Very poor, disrespectful behaviour.

I would go to a hotel. Take enough clothes for a few days. Leave them to it. They are all doing you a disservice.

' I feel so low, so alone, so tired. Thank you again - I'll keep you all posted. I hope that tonight your evenings are peaceful.'
Thank you for posting. Wishing you well Isabelle112 It's a sexist bad world out here, and we who love our boys, are having to manage so much trying to bring them up to be civilised. Talk of lists and discussions don't work in these dynamics, nothing explains the humiliation and exhaustion of servitude to the entitled. There are answers, but none that mn posters would like.
Wishing you all the very best

Anyway, at home, he responded to my telling him that he had T-shirts etc by using (as he does) the f-word and shouting. Please, DS, not after a busy day at work.** This is not normal behaviour, it's abuse.
I as an adult who is not far off their age would never swear at my mother. I have that much respect for her that I think she has never had my swear in real life.
We have had our differences and arguments over the years but not abuse towards her.

I agree, this sounds like abuse.

Get yourself to a hotel for a few days, and have a proper think about what to do next. Maybe get some advice from Women's Aid or somewhere similar.

Your husband is a pathetic wet lettuce who has no more respect for you than your selfish brats