to want to write my family a resignation letter

[Isabelle112]

Have posted here recently & much encouraged by responses. Sorry to post again. But today, things are so much worse. DS back from uni - barely a word from him expect a request that we talk about gym membership for the holidays. When pressed about getting a p-t job, brushes it aside. When pressed about getting a job at uni, brushes it aside with excuses. When encouraged to talk to me about having a revision schedule, brushes it aside (exams January inc a re-take). Up all night on computer, sleeps in the day, only wants fast food at night (eating normally might mean sitting down with me). Never, ever an offer to help in the house.

Another DS, older, living at home has worked p-t but that's drying up and is reluctant now to work anywhere other than a pub. We live in a town, there are jobs and he has a first and second degree - but such a procrastinator re applying for graduate posts/temporary posts.
DH gets minimum wage. Looking for better paid work but his age may be against him (and he desperately needs help to improve his interview techniques, by his own admission).

I work f-t and p-t. Neither job is much fun or well paid. Both are pretty stressful. I am almost permanently exhausted. I've no idea why my boys, who no doubt love me very much, cannot see that by in effect forcing me to go very far beyond my means/budget to pay rent (uni - I'd accept that gladly if he'd pull his weight); fork out when funds are low; pay for mini breaks; for clothes, they are in fact abusing me. I'm often too tired to defend myself, too embarrassed to tell them how low family funds are, too resigned (this is how it's been for a very long time). DH does his best but doesn't feel, of course, my exhaustion & thinks I'm coping. I'm not. The tiredness makes me ache all over, often.

Now, I want to write to them. To all of them. To resign from all that I do - the cleaning, the cooking, the shopping, the constant forking out. I'll carry on working, I'll honour a promise to pay for one of my DS's upcoming mini breaks with old uni friends. But that's it until they wake up.

I would have two words for all three of them

Fuck

Off

If you look on Airbnb you can probably (unless you live in London) get a room for £20-25 a night from tomorrow. I don't think you should be the one moving out, though.

I would keep the house full of cheap and uninspiring food and not give them a thing beyond that, certainly no maid service. And if they can't be civil they had better find somewhere else to live. You're working two jobs, why the hell should you be responsible for their laundry?!

Hi OP. you must be gutted at your situation. two healthy, educated kids with no get up and go. no wonder you feel like jacking it all in.

Yes they can fuck off and you can get yourself to a nice hotel.

I'm more annoyed with your husband. He isn't pulling his weight financially or emotionally, and sitting in the corner like a wet lettuce whilst you argued with your son is inexcusable.

There's a reason they are like this. And the reason is you.

Stop it now before you have a full blown breakdown.

Take care of YOURSELF for a change.

I wouldn't even pay for uni rent. What's a student loan for? Ditch the p/t job and all the expenses you can't afford.

Be open with your kids. They are adults. Why are you 'protecting' them from life? They will never learn it.

You have enabled this OP and it is time for it to change. They will not change, circumstances will not change, if you carry on. All that will happen is you get older, tireder and more resentful.

Forget the hotel, use the money for rent instead. On a nice little place where you can leave those three lazy, unpleasant twats behind to pick up after one another.

OP, please please look after yourself. it looks like noone else is looking out for you

Your ridiculous husband should be opening his flapping trap and telling his sons to shape up or fuck off.

Your sons are abusing you and your husband is enabling it. You need to leave. It shouldn't be this way, but your situation is untenable.

What's the classic MN line?

You don't have a DS problem well, you do really : You have a DH problem.

He is not working with you as a team as a husband should do, he's pathetic. Sorry.

You sound lovely - your family, hmmmm not so much (and that includes your DH).

look everyone. We all know what the situation is here but now the OP needs solutions moving forward as the OP who sounds very vulnerable right now.

One step at a time OP. Go back over the comments and see what pieces of advice you could act on right now to kick your kids into adults:

1. Vitamin supplements
2. Cancelling paying for mini breaks
3. Stop washing everyones clothes but your own and maybe your husbands (to all those calling out her husband that is a separate task to sort out)
4. Make and buy food for you and your husband to jointly cook. Maybe once a week do sunday lunch and xmas day.
5. If you cant talk to your kids who are fing and swearing then write it down for them.
6. Book yourself a break to think

Good luck, keep with us. Do not move out of your home. One goes back to university soon then you can deal with the other man child when you are more together

I think it's fair to say she has a DS problem, too. These two men are abusing her.

Rooting for you OP!
Tough love, not easy but so worthwhile.

Keep us posted - I would avoid getting into a confrontation and quietly ignore them and their demands. As others have said just do your own chores and leave the sons to it. This has gone way too far and you need to find a way to regain your home. Ignore phone calls/texts/shouting. Calmly tell them that unless they can speak to you in a civil and polite way then you will not engage in conversation with them.

Well, they do say you can't converse with batshit, so i'm not surprised you didn't get through to them .

you've wasted enough energy carrying your dh and ds's load.
your dh is being selfish for not supporting you, he gets a 'quiet life' but you don't!
I would tell him to either starts supporting you or he can have a quiet life without you.

Your ds's - you only need two sentences -
"i will no longer be financially supporting you (other than uni rent/top up) so you either get jobs or sign on.

"i will no longer be doing your washing/cooking/cleaning. you're grown men now."

and that's it. I'd pin up a chores rota, put yourself down first and then leave them to it. if the tasks have not been done by the time your turn comes round again....then i'd be giving them 24 hours notice to move out.

This is your home and they have no right treating you like this.
I can't believe they don't feel any shame at all!

Those boys need to move out, tell them to go and as for your husband, bloody hell! This will not change op until you make it happen, it's hard but you have to do it! Cut off all financial support immediately, do nothing for them in the home and give them notice to leave, husband too if he cannot shape up, seriously get your life back!

I am not sure what trying to have a discussion will bring. They are obviously not interested in your feelings.

I would just tell them you aren't doing it any more. No housework for them, no money, no nothing. I normally think it's fine for grown children to live rent free but yours sound like good candidates for paying nominal (at least) rent.

What is your husband thinking? You don't say much about him. Is he contributing in any way, aside from his wage? Is he happy for you to be treated this way?

Oh OP, your ungrateful horrid children make me so sad for you.

I'm in Australia, it's a beautiful day, 26 degrees and sunny. Leave now, get to H'row, jump on the first flight and I'll take care of you until you have to go back to work.

They're miserable bastards the lot of them.

Gosh! I'm so glad that many of you identified that this is abusive!
The worrying thing is that they are one day going to behave like this around the partners in their lives who may not be so forgiving or accepting.
They are not really very nice either are they? I say that as the mother of 3 adult sons who have all done the whole "don't want to work, lie in bed, don't want to pay any money" bollocks, the difference is that they were told in no uncertain terms to fuck off and at that point certainly didn't swear at me or abuse me.
They rolled their eyes and grunted but ultimately got on with it and stopped being entitled little shits.
Please op, take this as a wake up call and stick with the changes.
Don't waste anymore life like this and help your sons turn into normal functioning adults.

I'd chuck them both out. Basic funding of uni son (rent plus monthly supermarket voucher) no funding for other son. He can take the kitchen job he turned down. If DH doesn't side with you on this consider finishing with him too.

Op- are you still there?

OP I worked two jobs for a while and it was bone achingly tiring. Bloods won't tell you that! Does your DH work two jobs?
You and DH should sit the, er, adults down and tell them no more money, it's beyond time they behave like adults and get them to do a rota of house duties. Sit there with a glass of booze and prompt if they need help. I kind of want you to smoke so you can blow smoke in their faces while they do this.
But you have been a doormat. You have to stop.
Also if you're not funding their shit can you reduce your hours?

If you are the person out working most hours, then you are NOT the person who does the household chores.

Everyone is responsible for their own laundry. Including sheets and towels.

As long as there is food IN the fridge/cupboards, they can look after themselves. When you are at work, you cannot physically sort it out for them. And when you get home, you need a chance to unwind before cooking anything, even for yourself. (In fact, I'd be inclined to call to the chippy, for 1, en route home some evenings and just open that up on a plate for yourself).

Everyone needs to take a part in keeping the house clean. So a rota is needed for cleaning the bathroom, sweeping/mopping/hovering floors, emptying bins, etc. Everyone washes up their own dishes if they cook for themselves, or it is a shared chore if a shared meal (and cook gets least of that chore).

And learn to just come in, go to your own room, and close the door. Lock it if need be. Or finish work, and go somewhere relaxed to unwind yourself.

I really like your idea of a night away - particularly one with no warning.

I think all your boys need a good hard shock about the levels of abuse they are showing to you and the amount which they are expecting you to shoulder while being entitled about what they do not have to do.

you need to start stamping your feet and shouting back at them, and yes maybe move out for a couple of days and then watch them panic!!! Your DH also needs to man up and back you up.