to want to write my family a resignation letter

[Isabelle112]

Have posted here recently & much encouraged by responses. Sorry to post again. But today, things are so much worse. DS back from uni - barely a word from him expect a request that we talk about gym membership for the holidays. When pressed about getting a p-t job, brushes it aside. When pressed about getting a job at uni, brushes it aside with excuses. When encouraged to talk to me about having a revision schedule, brushes it aside (exams January inc a re-take). Up all night on computer, sleeps in the day, only wants fast food at night (eating normally might mean sitting down with me). Never, ever an offer to help in the house.

Another DS, older, living at home has worked p-t but that's drying up and is reluctant now to work anywhere other than a pub. We live in a town, there are jobs and he has a first and second degree - but such a procrastinator re applying for graduate posts/temporary posts.
DH gets minimum wage. Looking for better paid work but his age may be against him (and he desperately needs help to improve his interview techniques, by his own admission).

I work f-t and p-t. Neither job is much fun or well paid. Both are pretty stressful. I am almost permanently exhausted. I've no idea why my boys, who no doubt love me very much, cannot see that by in effect forcing me to go very far beyond my means/budget to pay rent (uni - I'd accept that gladly if he'd pull his weight); fork out when funds are low; pay for mini breaks; for clothes, they are in fact abusing me. I'm often too tired to defend myself, too embarrassed to tell them how low family funds are, too resigned (this is how it's been for a very long time). DH does his best but doesn't feel, of course, my exhaustion & thinks I'm coping. I'm not. The tiredness makes me ache all over, often.

Now, I want to write to them. To all of them. To resign from all that I do - the cleaning, the cooking, the shopping, the constant forking out. I'll carry on working, I'll honour a promise to pay for one of my DS's upcoming mini breaks with old uni friends. But that's it until they wake up.

What AF said.

Stop giving the fuckers any money beyond tuition fees, rent and very basic food allowance. Stop running round after them. If they kick off, call the police and have them removed from your house. They are adults and need to start behaving like adults, which includes taking responsibility for their actions.

Form an escape plan from your feckless husband.

You don't have to live like this, so don't.

Seriously OP I feel for you but YOU have let them treat you like this. My dd is only a baby but i'll be damned if the day comes she dares to shout and swear at me.

You and your husband need to be a united front. Why is he letting the mother of his children, his wife be spoken to and treated like this. You have a dh problem.

Bloody hell op that sounds shit.
No way would my mum have put up with that.
You need to stop giving them money for anything other than uni needs.
My mum helped with my rent, didn't charge me rent during holidays which I worked through, paid my car insurance i paid thebrunning costs, would buy me pens, notepads etc and would give me a box of food when I went back. I bought my computer with my savings, paid for clothes. My mum did buy me a nice dress for concerts, and shoes after she saw me in said beautiful dress in a concert with DMs underneath.
They are adults. They need to do their own washing and ironing. Just stop doing it.
You need to not bankroll them. If they want something then they need to get a job.

And yes to you buggering off for you time. You sound as though you need it.

And if I'd shouted or been disrespectful to my parents I'd have got sod all. Literally. And i knew it so never pushed it.
And I think it did me a lot of good.

Could people please be gentle with the 'this is YOUR fault your kids are treating you like this' as OP is feeling fragile and while there's an element of truth to the fact the OP has historically felt her role is to provide all income and all domestic duties, the real truth is that there are three adult men in this scenario who are invested in a scenario whereby they all take advantage of her endless labour.

OP, for you.

I actually think that under the circumstances two nights in a hotel somewhere might give you a bit of distance and separation to think about things.

Be clear: you have done over and above your duty, you have no further obligations to any of these adult men, two of whom at least are smart enough to have gone to uni therefore are amongst society's most privileged and able members.

I think you need to bring a notebook to this hotel and start making a list of gentle and effective ways for you to change in order to make your life better and in order to find tools to stand up to the backlash you might face when your dear sons realise the picnic is over.

You have brought up two sons to uni age. Please be aware that no job is beneath them and as you say the shops are full of young people in seasonal work. Your response to them saying they can't get work is 'oh dear, you mustn't be trying hard enough/maybe you should move to a city where there's more temp work/perhaps you need a haircut/a better attitude'.

I say this as a very privileged person who has several degrees and a fancy professional career but who has also worked as a cleaner, chambermaid, waitress, bar tender, au pair, receptionist, shop staff, secretary bla bla bla. No job is below anyone. There is always TONS of work somewhere if you are prepared to do the work to get the work! Of course it's hard graft and it'd be great to be funded by parents, but honestly, the best thing you can do for them if not for yourself is to get them get a job and start looking after themselves. Otherwise they will be unemployable undateable thirty year olds who swear at women when they don't get clean laundry, and you want better for them than THAT, don't you?

My parents very generously paid my uni rent and a term time allowance, which I see as very generous. So many people I went to college with never had a job and I really think my days of part time shit jobs really contributed to my later success because I was the opposite of entitled.

You have done your job now for them! Start saving that money you give them for your retirement or you will be dependent on them! Is that what you want?

I would think about spending some money either on some counselling, cbt or an assertiveness course to enable you to see clearly what YOU want, what it is acceptable to say NO to (everything you've described!) and start moving on into this new stage of your life where you are entitled to start focussing on your needs and desires, now that your children are grown.

By the way, my dad said to me over and over again: the day you finish uni is the day my funding stops - it was great, I got it, and although for some things when I was starting out in London or for training he either helped me or lent me (always paid back) that was more of an extra gratefully received than an expectation.

How dare they speak to you so disrespectfully, and how dare your husband not stand with you?
They are living in your house because you are allowing them to, its not a right. I would be reminding them of that, and also informing them that due to their behaviour all funding for breaks and uni reunion will now not be forthcoming.

This is why I suggested the hotel rather than telling them off, throwing them out etc as a first step because I doubt OP is ready to go that far straight away. Let them fend for themselves for a bit.

Your kids will always be your kids, but they're adults now.

Your adult son wants to talk to you about gym membership? Ie you paying for it? I would just say "gym memberships cost money. Money comes from jobs" and then he can work out the rest.

And paying for a mini break? Oh please. Cut off the mini break payment right now. Say you can't afford it (which is true isn't it?). If he wants to go he'll have to pay for it himself.

They're taking advantage of you because they can. It's not your fault, but you have the power to stop it from happening. Resign from babying your man-children.

By the way, even if you could afford it, your son should still be working and pay for it himself.

Why should you have to pay? He's a grown man.

Refuse to pay for minibreak. See how quickly he is able to get a job.

You are behaving like a martyr and they don't respect you because of it.

OP, I apologise for being so strident. It made me so angry to see the way they are treating you and how you put up with it. I want you to feel that you have power here, to change your own life and theirs. Young away for a bit sounds great followed by some ground rules for the new year, what you are not paying for, what you are not doing any more... Hope you are OK...

I think (at least) two nights in a hotel would give the OP a break - which she desperately needs. It might also shake up the men in her life enough to listen to her when she does return. But you are going to need to get tough OP. Don't respond to texts whilst you are away, don't engage at all (at least not with your sons). Stop payments for all luxuries. Stop doing all the "nice" mum things you do like cooking meals, washing their clothes. If they argue - go back to your hotel. They will get the message, believe me.

I don't think they will change.
Or at least not until they have a house and family of their own then it will dawn on them that bringing up a family is hard work.

Do you own your own house.

I would put the house on the market. Tell all that they have to find somewhere else to live.
Move to rented (small 1 bed) with DH.
The end.

And whatever you do for GPs stop. They must fend for themselves (assuming they aren't bed ridden etc). There are carers etc if required.

I had a single DBIL who lived with his mother, not lifting a finger until he was 40. He now keeps an immaculate home, always doing repairs. But still selfish with regards to his V old DM.

You can't change people imv.
Unless they choose to change. Don't waste effort guilt tripping them. Just fix your own life.

The list from Abricot on page 5 is a really good start. After your recent updates, I would also add on:

"Don't take any calls from your sons while you are at work/out of the house/off doing something just for you". There is so much that is unacceptable about their behaviour but him ringing you up because he can't cook something and wants to swear at you?Just no.

In the short term, turn off the cash supply. So no money for mini breaks, gym membership and take aways.
They are aggressively rejecting your support with uni work, job hunting etc so take them at face value. "Ok, you are an adult, you don't want mum interfering in your life. As an adult, it is up to you to support yourself. Bank of Mum & Dad is closed."

Maybe wait until uni-aged son goes back to uni and then tackle other son (ie, tell him he has to pay rent. If he isn't paying rent then he has to move out). Give a deadline of when he has to be paying rent or moving out (say you could rent rooms to a lodger and get income, and not be expected to cook and clean for them!)

Have separate conversation with uni-son before he gets next loan instalment (even if you have to text or leave a voicemail) : "We will only be providing you with X amount per term, paid on these dates. We are not paying for anything else." And then prepare yourself to say NO or "NO, we just can't afford it" when he asks for money down the line. Stick to your guns.

You might feel mean not supporting them financially but they are taking the piss. They can easily support themselves if they just take a bit of bloody responsibility, and by cutting off the financial support they will be much more motivated to discover things like Jobseeker's Allowance, part time work for uni son etc!

Op, understand if you don't want to come back to the thread send are dealing with things at home and I very much hope you stayed in a lovely quiet hotel last night. We're all here rooting for you. You deserve so much better than who you are getting and although you're deep in the situation, once you have told them all where to go, everything from there will seem much easier!

We're here to support you if you need us, with our myriad of opinions

Baby steps OP, there are already a lot of good suggestions for initiating the change as it's so tough to know where to start when something feels so overwhelming. Getting some space at a hotel was a great plan I hope if you haven't already you can force yourself to get the space you need to clear your head from the immediate demands of the family and make a plan of action.
Really routing for you , if you test yourself you'll find yourself to be stronger than you think.

I'm in Australia, it's a beautiful day, 26 degrees and sunny. Leave now, get to H'row, jump on the first flight and I'll take care of you until you have to go back to work.

That was a lovely post, Archduke You should take her up on it, Isabelle.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm very mean. There is no way I'd tolerate being spoken to like that, by anyone. I think the traditional socialisation of women to equate love with a certain level of servitude does us no favours.
I hope you can find a way out, and yes, I think it's domestic abuse by your sons, facilitated by your husband. I'd quite like to come over and kick them right up the bum.

How was Christmas, Isabelle?